I think it is becoming apparent to those around me that I am pregnant. A couple of the volunteers the other day were giving me weird looks. I guess it should be obvious, considering it's now five months. It makes me nervous to think about having to talk to all these people about this pregnancy, these people who didn't know me until months after Serenity had died, don't know that I lost a my first daughter, that I had a d&c a week before starting this part-time job. And now, I am afraid, it will be open season on Ya Chun's body, lifestyle, shopping choices etc. I only have a few coworkers, who are mostly kinda in the know, but I have about 20 different voulunteers, many of whom like to over-share. I don't reciprocate the over-sharing tendancies. Let's hope it is a really really busy day with lots of guests coming in asking gardening questions on Thursday!
Yesteday and today my girlie parts are all achy and hurting. I guess my pelvis is rearranging.
Beanie - please stop rearranging mama's furniture please - she kinda needs to be able to walk.
I can't stand up or sit down. I am fine in one place, but not hte transition. Also, now I am walking around like a geisha girl, with tiny little steps trying not to get anything out of place.
I have been feeling Beanie move. Last night she was clunking around int here for a good while. It makes me happy.
The last week I have had a general sense of well-being. It's kinda nice - I forgot what this felt like. I think I was depressed at the onset of the pregnancy - I was like an invalid, between the morning sickness, exhaustion and back pain. The chiropractor is making progress on the back, which helps, and it was actually sunny here for a few days, which really helped. And, Beanie makes me happy, especially now that I can feel her and we had a good ultrasound. And I know that it's a girl. I like knowing, I guess it makes it more real to me.
Well, that was a bit of a ramble - can I blame it on pregnancy brain?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Quotable
"How blessed are some people, whose lives have no fears, no dreads; to whom sleep is a blessing that comes nightly, and brings nothing but sweet dreams." -Bram Stoker (1847-1912)
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Thank the light for the WoT
Nope, that not new fan-dangled internet jargon. If you don't speak it, feel free to skip down to the next ***.
I just finished The Gathering Storm. Wow! This is some of the action we should have had in some of those tedious middle books.
I think Brandon Sanderson did an excellent job. I didn't care for the Mat parts in this books as much as I did for some of his other chapters, but then, I can say the same things about Perrin for a couple of books. Perrin was one of my favorite characters until Faile got kidnapped. I couldn't take the moping and lack of leadership. I am not sure that I agree with some of the complaints regarding Sanderson's ability to write Mat. Maybe it was just the time to show Mat as a human, flawed, character, much like Perrin was in Winter's Heart.
I was super scared when Rand seized the 'True' Power'. SUPER SPOILER::: I am glad he cleared his head, heart, and the overcast skies in the end:::.
And Egwene! That girl has got it! This is one of those times that people like to say, 'wow, that lady has some balls' and I like to point out that she has some ovaries. And guts, and backbone, and brains, heart and soul. I think her scenes in this book are among some of the best of the whole series.
That whole 'three shall be one' at the end? Min, Elayne and Avienda????
Now, I have to wait, what, another year?!? Burn Brandon Sanderson and Robert Jordan!!! Burn them!
***
I told Triple S today that I was grateful for these books. They can really distract me from my worries and anxieties. And a character like Egwene can inspire me to persevere, to stand tall, to try.
Over the years that this series has unfolded (years in real time, since I think it has only been about two years in WoT-time), I have enjoyed each of the main characters in this book. At one point I loved Faile, but I don't trust her much sometimes. I am waiting to see how this one unfolds. On the other hand, Min has always been a strong favorite, from her first introduction right up to the end of this last book. At first it was the tomboy in her. She has since then proven to be caring and loyal. Now she is determined to study old texts in order to help figure out what to do at the last battle.
This, in some round about way, brings me to the pregnancy-related news of this post. If how this relates tot he pregnancy is not entirely clear by the end of this post, it should become clear in the next few posts.
We just had the 18 week anatomy scan. Everything looks fine, the quad screen reduced the risk for Down's to about 1 in 500, and we are expecting yet another girl.
I told Triple S that his dudes are duds. I guess he is now Triple XXX.
So, we have always struggled with girl names. We have a boy's name, have always had a boy's name, and would only ever have a problem if we needed two boy names.
It was difficult to develop a short list when we were expecting our first daughter. I can't see any of the names on that short list coming back to us.
I think the cuffs may get rolled up.
And I may be running some names by ya'll. I know it is frivolous, but it gives me both hope and distraction. Especially now that I have to wait yet again for another volume of the WoT.
In them mean time, I am waiting for the library's copy of book two of the Codex Alera by Jim Butcher. If you like WoT and Mistborn, check this one out too.
I just finished The Gathering Storm. Wow! This is some of the action we should have had in some of those tedious middle books.
I think Brandon Sanderson did an excellent job. I didn't care for the Mat parts in this books as much as I did for some of his other chapters, but then, I can say the same things about Perrin for a couple of books. Perrin was one of my favorite characters until Faile got kidnapped. I couldn't take the moping and lack of leadership. I am not sure that I agree with some of the complaints regarding Sanderson's ability to write Mat. Maybe it was just the time to show Mat as a human, flawed, character, much like Perrin was in Winter's Heart.
I was super scared when Rand seized the 'True' Power'. SUPER SPOILER::: I am glad he cleared his head, heart, and the overcast skies in the end:::.
And Egwene! That girl has got it! This is one of those times that people like to say, 'wow, that lady has some balls' and I like to point out that she has some ovaries. And guts, and backbone, and brains, heart and soul. I think her scenes in this book are among some of the best of the whole series.
That whole 'three shall be one' at the end? Min, Elayne and Avienda????
Now, I have to wait, what, another year?!? Burn Brandon Sanderson and Robert Jordan!!! Burn them!
***
I told Triple S today that I was grateful for these books. They can really distract me from my worries and anxieties. And a character like Egwene can inspire me to persevere, to stand tall, to try.
Over the years that this series has unfolded (years in real time, since I think it has only been about two years in WoT-time), I have enjoyed each of the main characters in this book. At one point I loved Faile, but I don't trust her much sometimes. I am waiting to see how this one unfolds. On the other hand, Min has always been a strong favorite, from her first introduction right up to the end of this last book. At first it was the tomboy in her. She has since then proven to be caring and loyal. Now she is determined to study old texts in order to help figure out what to do at the last battle.
This, in some round about way, brings me to the pregnancy-related news of this post. If how this relates tot he pregnancy is not entirely clear by the end of this post, it should become clear in the next few posts.
We just had the 18 week anatomy scan. Everything looks fine, the quad screen reduced the risk for Down's to about 1 in 500, and we are expecting yet another girl.
I told Triple S that his dudes are duds. I guess he is now Triple XXX.
So, we have always struggled with girl names. We have a boy's name, have always had a boy's name, and would only ever have a problem if we needed two boy names.
It was difficult to develop a short list when we were expecting our first daughter. I can't see any of the names on that short list coming back to us.
I think the cuffs may get rolled up.
And I may be running some names by ya'll. I know it is frivolous, but it gives me both hope and distraction. Especially now that I have to wait yet again for another volume of the WoT.
In them mean time, I am waiting for the library's copy of book two of the Codex Alera by Jim Butcher. If you like WoT and Mistborn, check this one out too.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Slash
It's often the little things that hurt.
It's the comment last week from our neighbor, teasing us for not coming to the block party. As she went out the door, jokingly saying "Well, once you have a kid, you won't get any free passes for skipping the block party."
Doesn't she just have it completely backwards?
First of all, dead baby is always a 'free pass' for something we don't want to do. It's not even a pass, and it certainly wasn't free.
Secondly, it's the other kids running around the street - on that one day a year that they are allowed to play in the street - that sends us to our protective shell. Those kids, laughing and giggling, up to way past their bedtimes, all without Serenity. That little toddler that isn't. Like a glass shard through my heart.
Besides, next October, when hope against all hope, beanie is 6 months old, I think we the parents will still be able to decide what to do.
It's the fact that the cat has diarrhea, and Triple S is worried to the point of boiling anger that whatever the cat has got is going to harm beanie. And it is dealing with his temper, and a sick cat, and trying to give said pain-in-the-butt-sick cat any kind of medication, and with Triple S complaining about and oftentimes gagging at the litter box. Like having small pieces of ground glass rubbed into your arm.
It's the jewelry that I have either misplaced, thrown out, or had stolen. Three pieces, my most expensive, that were all wedding gifts. And I haven't called the insurance company, because I don't want to deal with them. I had an apartment robbed (twice) in grad school, and the insurance adjuster basically accused me of selling my own items and then reporting them stolen. And that was with broken windows and police reports. Now, I just have a picture of two of the items that I haven't been able to find since we returned from the wedding in Toronto in July and my word. Another scratch, another irritation, another stress.
It's the blood test that went from a 1:374 risk for Down's due to my age to a 1:324 risk. As the genetic counselor read the results, cheerily saying, "Don't worry, it's not a big change," I wondered if she thinks I am an absolute moron with zero math skills. Sure, there are still 323 babies with 46 chromosomes, and just one with 47, but it's not the same as going from 374 to say, oh, 1000. Another worrisome scratch that saps strength.
I can ignore these cuts and scrapes, push them aside with hope that the quad screen will come back better, that the jewelry will turn up in the weirdest place, that I will at some point come up with a way to articulate the hurt I feel from dumb witticisms, that the cat will either get better or croak. However, eventually, these metaphysical injuries coalesce into something that needs to get out, to be released. To be washed away with tears.
It's the comment last week from our neighbor, teasing us for not coming to the block party. As she went out the door, jokingly saying "Well, once you have a kid, you won't get any free passes for skipping the block party."
Doesn't she just have it completely backwards?
First of all, dead baby is always a 'free pass' for something we don't want to do. It's not even a pass, and it certainly wasn't free.
Secondly, it's the other kids running around the street - on that one day a year that they are allowed to play in the street - that sends us to our protective shell. Those kids, laughing and giggling, up to way past their bedtimes, all without Serenity. That little toddler that isn't. Like a glass shard through my heart.
Besides, next October, when hope against all hope, beanie is 6 months old, I think we the parents will still be able to decide what to do.
It's the fact that the cat has diarrhea, and Triple S is worried to the point of boiling anger that whatever the cat has got is going to harm beanie. And it is dealing with his temper, and a sick cat, and trying to give said pain-in-the-butt-sick cat any kind of medication, and with Triple S complaining about and oftentimes gagging at the litter box. Like having small pieces of ground glass rubbed into your arm.
It's the jewelry that I have either misplaced, thrown out, or had stolen. Three pieces, my most expensive, that were all wedding gifts. And I haven't called the insurance company, because I don't want to deal with them. I had an apartment robbed (twice) in grad school, and the insurance adjuster basically accused me of selling my own items and then reporting them stolen. And that was with broken windows and police reports. Now, I just have a picture of two of the items that I haven't been able to find since we returned from the wedding in Toronto in July and my word. Another scratch, another irritation, another stress.
It's the blood test that went from a 1:374 risk for Down's due to my age to a 1:324 risk. As the genetic counselor read the results, cheerily saying, "Don't worry, it's not a big change," I wondered if she thinks I am an absolute moron with zero math skills. Sure, there are still 323 babies with 46 chromosomes, and just one with 47, but it's not the same as going from 374 to say, oh, 1000. Another worrisome scratch that saps strength.
I can ignore these cuts and scrapes, push them aside with hope that the quad screen will come back better, that the jewelry will turn up in the weirdest place, that I will at some point come up with a way to articulate the hurt I feel from dumb witticisms, that the cat will either get better or croak. However, eventually, these metaphysical injuries coalesce into something that needs to get out, to be released. To be washed away with tears.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
La di da di dah
I'm baaack! Ok, I haven't been posting much lately. I do try to keep up with reading the blogs, although I don't always comment.
It's not that I have been in a slump, I just feel very antisocial. I just don't have the energy to explain myself I guess.
For instance, last Saturday was our annual block party. Our house is right int he middle of the block, so basically block party central. Triple S didn't want to go, so we sat inside watching TV in the front room while everyone else was out around the fire it (it was cooold). Our neighbor stopped by before she went in, to give us shit. Well, really, neither of us felt like seeing all the kids running around. It still hurts. I wish it didn't, but it does. And, now, I have got a couple facebook posts from some neighbors, so I think they've all found out that I am pregnant again.
In some ways, I wish I could share this pregnancy with others, but I also feel defensive. Everything is not happy-go-lucky. I am stressed and worried. I really thought that 3 week OB appointments was a bit of overkill, but, gad, the last week I have been so worried that beanie is dead. It's crazy. But the sound of that heartbeat yesterday reset me, so I should be good for another two weeks.
I am going to a chiropractor, in an attempt to fix my back again. I was having massive headaches up the neck and back of my head. Good times.
The cat has diarrhea. I was not aware of this as I am not allowed to clean the litter, but Triple S told me it looked bad, so off tot he vet we went on Monday. Of course, they give us pills - to feed to a cat. A cat that has never ever let us do anything to hi (ie clean his ears - his ears have been dirty for 12 years). Like I said, good times.
I have been doing a lot of lounging. Thank goodness for Robert Jordan. I am just about done re-reading the Wheel of Time series (****nerd alert****) in anticipation of the first 1/3 of the final book being released this month. It's kept me company during that first trimester of nausea and dbm grief and anxiety.
We have been trying to take more pictures, to document this pregnancy too. I feel bad. We just haven't taken that many (of course, beanie has lots of u/s pics already!) I think alot of it has to do with my own vanity. I am faaaaat. My tummy is not a cute little pooch. It's kinda flabby and disgusting. So, poor beanie will have few early-pregnancy pics in his album.
As winter approaches, I am thinking to start up a scrap book for beanie. I didn't start on when I was pregnant with Serenity, but I did want to do a 'baby' one for her, so I had an album and papers all ready for all her 'firsts'. After she died (I guess that was a first - and a last) I started an album on her pregnancy. It is still 'started'. I was thinking I could work on them both at the same time. However, I am not sure that is a good idea. What do you think? But, anyway, I want to start beanie's before too long. I've got the table out - that's progress right?
Well, these ramblings are progress. Maybe I will come out of my protective shell. Maybe not. Or, more than likely, just here.
It's not that I have been in a slump, I just feel very antisocial. I just don't have the energy to explain myself I guess.
For instance, last Saturday was our annual block party. Our house is right int he middle of the block, so basically block party central. Triple S didn't want to go, so we sat inside watching TV in the front room while everyone else was out around the fire it (it was cooold). Our neighbor stopped by before she went in, to give us shit. Well, really, neither of us felt like seeing all the kids running around. It still hurts. I wish it didn't, but it does. And, now, I have got a couple facebook posts from some neighbors, so I think they've all found out that I am pregnant again.
In some ways, I wish I could share this pregnancy with others, but I also feel defensive. Everything is not happy-go-lucky. I am stressed and worried. I really thought that 3 week OB appointments was a bit of overkill, but, gad, the last week I have been so worried that beanie is dead. It's crazy. But the sound of that heartbeat yesterday reset me, so I should be good for another two weeks.
I am going to a chiropractor, in an attempt to fix my back again. I was having massive headaches up the neck and back of my head. Good times.
The cat has diarrhea. I was not aware of this as I am not allowed to clean the litter, but Triple S told me it looked bad, so off tot he vet we went on Monday. Of course, they give us pills - to feed to a cat. A cat that has never ever let us do anything to hi (ie clean his ears - his ears have been dirty for 12 years). Like I said, good times.
I have been doing a lot of lounging. Thank goodness for Robert Jordan. I am just about done re-reading the Wheel of Time series (****nerd alert****) in anticipation of the first 1/3 of the final book being released this month. It's kept me company during that first trimester of nausea and dbm grief and anxiety.
We have been trying to take more pictures, to document this pregnancy too. I feel bad. We just haven't taken that many (of course, beanie has lots of u/s pics already!) I think alot of it has to do with my own vanity. I am faaaaat. My tummy is not a cute little pooch. It's kinda flabby and disgusting. So, poor beanie will have few early-pregnancy pics in his album.
As winter approaches, I am thinking to start up a scrap book for beanie. I didn't start on when I was pregnant with Serenity, but I did want to do a 'baby' one for her, so I had an album and papers all ready for all her 'firsts'. After she died (I guess that was a first - and a last) I started an album on her pregnancy. It is still 'started'. I was thinking I could work on them both at the same time. However, I am not sure that is a good idea. What do you think? But, anyway, I want to start beanie's before too long. I've got the table out - that's progress right?
Well, these ramblings are progress. Maybe I will come out of my protective shell. Maybe not. Or, more than likely, just here.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Off to the basement...
to unpack the maternity pants. It definitely is faster the next time around...
I am not really 'out' to the volunteers at work yet, but I can't squish beanie any more in my regular khakis, and I don't think I can get away with yoga pants at work like I do at home.
Triple S gets the biggest smile on his face every Thursday when I put the khakis on after a week of not wearing them, and they are tighter. And then I share a small, secret smile with beanie, my growing beanie.
I am not really 'out' to the volunteers at work yet, but I can't squish beanie any more in my regular khakis, and I don't think I can get away with yoga pants at work like I do at home.
Triple S gets the biggest smile on his face every Thursday when I put the khakis on after a week of not wearing them, and they are tighter. And then I share a small, secret smile with beanie, my growing beanie.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
we've made it to 12 weeks
We had the nuchal ultrasound yesterday. Beanie was not cooperating with the positioning, so we got to watch him for a long while. He started out looking straight at us:
He was moving all about, and still not rolling into profile, so the u/s tech started bouncing the detector onto my belly, quite forcefully, trying to get him to turn. Looked like he was getting whiplash to me.
We did end up getting a few nuchal readings, all within 'safe' range. We await the bloodwork for final call.
I am finally feeling better physically, but have let some other things (non baby related) stress and bum me out. I am trying to let go. Beanie deserves a stress-free environment!
Since I am not working f/t with this pregnancy, I wonder if Beanie will get enough talking to! Hopefully my neighbors don't think I am odd if I start talking to my belly throughout the day!
I can't believe it is 12 weeks already and that we still have soooo long to go. The baby is about 2 inches, crown to rump, and my lower abdomen is barely sticking out. It still seems surreal to me.
He was moving all about, and still not rolling into profile, so the u/s tech started bouncing the detector onto my belly, quite forcefully, trying to get him to turn. Looked like he was getting whiplash to me.
We did end up getting a few nuchal readings, all within 'safe' range. We await the bloodwork for final call.
I am finally feeling better physically, but have let some other things (non baby related) stress and bum me out. I am trying to let go. Beanie deserves a stress-free environment!
Since I am not working f/t with this pregnancy, I wonder if Beanie will get enough talking to! Hopefully my neighbors don't think I am odd if I start talking to my belly throughout the day!
I can't believe it is 12 weeks already and that we still have soooo long to go. The baby is about 2 inches, crown to rump, and my lower abdomen is barely sticking out. It still seems surreal to me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
