Meeting that right person

I am enjoying reading the 'Right Where I Am' posts. Thank you all for your comments; I will visit your blogs when I can.

***

Little Beanie has a friend that was born on the same day.  We all met after they were born, but became fast friends. It's sad to leave them - we have even joked about them moving down to TX after we get settled.

Last week, on FB I asked if anyone could play with Bea for a few hours so I could get some packing done and Triple S could study. Of all my friends, all the people I've known for years, all the people that said 'we'll babysit anytime', this husband and wife volunteered.

On our first playdate, back in late fall or early winter, the mom and I talked. I talked about Serenity, and she told me that she lost twin boys.

And I wonder how she and her husband felt chasing after two toddlers born on the same day.  Close, but not quite right.

Leaving

I have a great deal of anxiety over leaving this town, leaving the people that saw our happiness and our pain, that know what it means when I look at a gaggle of three-year-old girls. And leaving my garden that makes me think of Serenity. I see her in many places around my neighborhood, the local park, the botanical garden. What will I do when I am living in a town that doesn't hold physical memory triggers of her? Not think of her as often?

Janis had an excellent post about moving. I am dreading leaving my comfort zone and entering the unfamiliar.

What if I hated it here? Or, what if Triple S had found a job here, would I find that I didn't really want to stay?

I am trying to release my anxiety and embrace the adventure.  And the two important things will be going with me, Triple S and Beanie.

Right Where I Am: Three Years, Three Months

I read Angie's intro, then came here to write before reading her post.

Yesterday, I had been thinking about where I am with my grief. Timely, that Angie.

***

Three years, three months, 19 days after Serenity died, and where am I? Well, I had to count how many months since her three-year 'birthday', so that's different. I don't even note the 'sixth' of the month much anymore.

The pain and the ache are here, deep inside. And hard to express. Not just 'hard to talk about' or 'hard to show others'; but hard to get out for my own examination, experience, expression. Sometimes I feel like I need a good emotional release, a purge, a wallow, yet nothing comes. No body racking sobs, just a long face.

I know that I have accepted 'dead baby mama' as my reality. Very few "I should have a three year old" thoughts in my mind. I can even handle the gaggle of three-year-old girls that live on my block and gang up on my developmental-timeline imaginings. Three three-year-old girls, with one missing. I don't wonder anymore if it is only to my eye that one is missing. I don't need for others to see it. But I do feel that my neighbor and the mother of one of the girls does.

And I can feel love for Serenity's little shadow baby. Born a week after Serenity and also half-Asian/half-Caucasian. She is a sweet and cute girl, with a ready smile, and likes to color. I can hear her from her porch when she comes out and sees Bea and me in our yard, "Mommy, Bea is out, let's go plaaaaay." 

And I can play.

Juno

We watched (most of) Juno last night. It just happened to come up in the queue on Mother's Day weekend. I definitely could not have watched this movie before Bea was here (esp not when I was pregnant with her!).

I told Triple S this morning that it had me thinking about trying for another. Boy, did that guy have a beam on his face. I haven't been to keen on the idea of another pregnancy, birth, postpartum deal. I am happy now with Bea and am not sure if rocking the boat is a good idea.

Well, we still have to finish the movie... here's hoping the ending quells these new ideas!

Mother's Day

I wish you all a peaceful and love-filled (loveful?) day today.

xoxo

On Time

I wish I took the time to be a regular blogger. I could blog about grief, about parenting after, about all the blogs about parenting that I read, about cooking and eating, about gardening, about selling our house and relocating to a land far, far away, about my efforts to reduce our accumulated junk (or about the minimalist blogs that I read), and about parenting little Beanie.

Instead, I feel too busy doing all of these things, and leaving no time for blogging.

And I wonder what my life will be like, once we have uprooted ourselves from this little corner of the world. Will I spend too much time here or on FB with my old neighbors, and not enough time in my new locale, out making real-life friends.

I have aspirations and hopes for our next home. But I really don't know what to expect.

***

Beanie keeps me hopping. She is a very social gal. She smiles at all the strangers out at the store or in a restaurant. She is quite charming, actually.  Then she cries the whole drive home and all afternoon, when she needs a nap and just refuses to take one. She finally sleeps when she is soooo exhausted. She is just into life, I guess. Which I can't really complain about, because it is so much better than the alternative.

She says 'Mama' quite clearly, but I think she only means milk by it, not me! When I start to lift up my shirt, she smiles and lets out a little gleeful laugh. Stinker.

She has been 'on the verge' of walking for a couple of months now.  She took 5 or so steps between Triple S and I on Saturday (at a Garden center, that's my girl), so I think we can officially say she is walking. Hasn't had a repeat performance yet.

She loves being outside. I am glad for that. She likes to play (or watch) the kids on the block. Too bad we won't be here long enough to see her running around with them.

I've been reading some interesting parenting books, notably Alfie Kohn's "Unconditional Parenting" and LLL's "Adventures in Gentle Discipline". I have to rely on books since I have no good example of parenting from, um, my own parents.

I have somehow been sneaking vegetarian raw foods into Triple S' diet. And he likes it. And I have been feeling better.  And Bea likes it. And just when fresh strawberries are coming into season, I think she is sensitive to strawberries.

I hate that we are fixing up things around our house in order to sell it. I want to enjoy it!

I wish I could post regularly instead of this meaningless update of randomness.

And Ang, I owe you a video chat!