I don't feel like 'celebrating' Halloween.
I know true fear and disorientation.
Triple S has seen a real horror and gore show, replete with sobs, blood and a dead body.
We lived through the pain and the scariness, knowing that it was not fake or for fun; knowing that it could end even more horribly; knowing that there were no treats.
***
I have always been enamored by the traditional belief that, as the summer sun fades into winter's gloom, as the crops are harvested and assessed for rationing, the boundary between our world - the world of the living - and the spirit world - the world of the dead - is thin, and that the dead and the living can commune. It is a time for me to look inward, to reflect on the circle of life, the turning of the seasons, and those who have gone before me.
Scary Halloween costumes come from the idea that the spirits walk the world on this night, and that a costume would disorient them, scare them away, or prevent them from finding the one that they seek. If Serenity comes looking for me tonight, I want her to be able to find me.
Many in Central America observe el Dia de los Muertos as a time to remember their dead and to clean their graves. I prefer this outlook on this time of year.
Friday, October 31, 2008
"there is no name for the one who has lost a child"
A child that loses a parent is an orphan.
A man who loses his wife is a widower.
A woman who loses her husband is a widow.
There is no name for a parent that loses a child,
for there is no word to describe this pain.
~Sukie Miller~
A man who loses his wife is a widower.
A woman who loses her husband is a widow.
There is no name for a parent that loses a child,
for there is no word to describe this pain.
~Sukie Miller~
**I found one webpage that attributed this (paraphrased here into poem form) to psychotherapist Sukie Miller, in her book "Finding Hope When a Child Dies". **
Perhaps we have invented our own name, a name that is raw and unpalatable, deadbabymama and deadbabypapa. I have said this in a few convos with friends and in a few emails.
"Hi. Are you married?"
'Oh, I'm a widow. My husband has been dead for...'
"Hi. Do you have kids?"
'No, I am a deadbabymama.'
That should go over well.
Age at birth
As I understand, the Chinese culture ages babies at 1 year when they are born. Perhaps they understood what modern medicine now recognizes as ten months of gestation (nearly a year) and what we stillbirth moms now know all too painfully. Our babies are loved by us and part of the family well before they are born.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Annual Block Party
The kids on our block are lucky kids. There are, um, a lot of them, like about 7 that all play together, under 7 or 8 years old. There's one block mom who babysits all 7 of them (some are in school now, youngest is 18 mos) so they all know each other really well. The older ones take care of the younger. It really is our own little village here. Some of them are terrorists in diapers, because they like to run into the Obama signs that line the knee lawns.
The kids were running around on the street on Saturday, as we had our annual block party. Last year we missed most of it since we were at a wedding, but we came about 9 pm and let everyone know about the big belly. This year, the kids are screaming and laughing, and Triple S looked distraught (well, to me at least). There's two younger girls that live at the far end of the block and who arent watch by the 'block mom'. They didn't play with the other kids and were more reserved, but they are also younger. I think the one girl is about how old Serenity would be. Can't they just stay home??
Well, at least the kids are lucky, 'cause I don't know if I am.
There are three other kids on our block, 13, 15 and 16. They were all watched by their generation's 'block mom'. It was neat to see the affinity those older kids still had for her, and she for them. It is also interesting that our block has a current block mom. What a nice tradition. Way better than daycare. And she doesn't care if you are running late from work. And after the kids have been 'picked up', they are usully still running up and down the knee lawns, knocking over our signs. They don't really care if it's 5 pm or not. Terrorists in diapers....
They terrorize my heart.
The kids were running around on the street on Saturday, as we had our annual block party. Last year we missed most of it since we were at a wedding, but we came about 9 pm and let everyone know about the big belly. This year, the kids are screaming and laughing, and Triple S looked distraught (well, to me at least). There's two younger girls that live at the far end of the block and who arent watch by the 'block mom'. They didn't play with the other kids and were more reserved, but they are also younger. I think the one girl is about how old Serenity would be. Can't they just stay home??
Well, at least the kids are lucky, 'cause I don't know if I am.
There are three other kids on our block, 13, 15 and 16. They were all watched by their generation's 'block mom'. It was neat to see the affinity those older kids still had for her, and she for them. It is also interesting that our block has a current block mom. What a nice tradition. Way better than daycare. And she doesn't care if you are running late from work. And after the kids have been 'picked up', they are usully still running up and down the knee lawns, knocking over our signs. They don't really care if it's 5 pm or not. Terrorists in diapers....
They terrorize my heart.
Friday, October 24, 2008
This time last year
This is me, last year. Look at that big belly. Look at that smile. We went to a wedding for two friends. I have to send them an anniversary card.I am not looking forward to the next 4 months. Remembering what it was like to be pregnant. Birthdays and holidays. Serenity's delivery and due date.
I told my grandmother (who lost her toddler to diabetes) that we weren't celebrating any holidays this fall. She wrote back to say that we shouldn't "give up every event [we] normally celebrate. ... Believe me, I know how hard it is."
We don't have anyone to 'pretend' for. No older children, no family in town. To me, it truly would be a farce to celebrate my birthday, to decorate for Christmas, or do holiday shopping. I should decorate for Dia de los Muertos.
It was hard enough for us on Mother's Day and Father's Day, days we never 'celebrated' before, days with less commercialization and infiltration. Days we tried to insulate ourselves from the world, days spent in our secret garden.
The smells of fall, the crispness in the air, the shortening days, and the difficulty I had trying to find my winter clothes all remind me of me, pregnant. Last year, my time with Serenity.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
One word answers
Kol@ky tagged me! Thanks dearie!
Answer with a single word answer and then pass on to 7 others...
1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Bed
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Annoying
5. Your father? Cranky
6. Your favorite thing? Triple S
7. Your dream last night? Unremembered
8. Your dream/goal? Contentment
9. The room you are in? Office
10. Your hobby? Gardening
11. Your fear? Loss
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Playdate
13. Where were you last night? Bed
14. What you're not? Livebabymama
15. One of your wish list items? Health
16. Where you grew up? PA
17. The last thing you did? Said goodbye (can't think of a one word phrase for sending someone off...)
18. What are you wearing? Houseclothes
19. Your T.V.? DVR
20. Your pet? Stinky
21. Your computer? MAC!
22. Your mood? Indecisive
23. Missing someone? Someones
24. Your car? VW
25. Something you're not wearing? Shoes
26. Favorite store? Tarjay
27. Your Summer? Unfillfilling
28. Love someone? Triple S
29. Your favorite color? Brown
30. When is the last time you laughed? Sarcastically?
31. Last time you cried? Yesterday
Only one word? I am a wordy one...
7 people:
Sara
Reese
Rosepetal
Kristi
banbear2
The Fab Ms. Beth
Team Killion
Since I love your blog, you are now tagged to do this meme!
Answer with a single word answer and then pass on to 7 others...
1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Bed
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Annoying
5. Your father? Cranky
6. Your favorite thing? Triple S
7. Your dream last night? Unremembered
8. Your dream/goal? Contentment
9. The room you are in? Office
10. Your hobby? Gardening
11. Your fear? Loss
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Playdate
13. Where were you last night? Bed
14. What you're not? Livebabymama
15. One of your wish list items? Health
16. Where you grew up? PA
17. The last thing you did? Said goodbye (can't think of a one word phrase for sending someone off...)
18. What are you wearing? Houseclothes
19. Your T.V.? DVR
20. Your pet? Stinky
21. Your computer? MAC!
22. Your mood? Indecisive
23. Missing someone? Someones
24. Your car? VW
25. Something you're not wearing? Shoes
26. Favorite store? Tarjay
27. Your Summer? Unfillfilling
28. Love someone? Triple S
29. Your favorite color? Brown
30. When is the last time you laughed? Sarcastically?
31. Last time you cried? Yesterday
Only one word? I am a wordy one...
7 people:
Sara
Reese
Rosepetal
Kristi
banbear2
The Fab Ms. Beth
Team Killion
Since I love your blog, you are now tagged to do this meme!
Top hits of '94 _ I use that term loosely
And because I have always thought that I really should have been a kid in the 70's, I did the year I was born...
1994
If it has a question mark, I really can't think of the song in my head. I grew up listening to classic rock and never had on the 'current' channel.
1994 was a year that was a bit short on guitar music. I am a rocker! Most of these songs I either hate or can't remember...
1. The Sign, Ace Of Base Yuck
2. I Swear, All-4-One ?
3. I'll Make Love To You, Boyz II Men I think a Boyz to men song was our class song - GAG!
4. The Power Of Love, Celine Dion ?
5. Hero, Mariah Carey This one is ok
6. Stay (I Missed You), Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories ok
7. Breathe Again, Toni Braxton ?
8. All For Love, Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart and Sting Vaguely remember - was this the 3 muskaters movie or something?
9. All That She Wants, Ace Of Base ...is another baby... HELLO! gag and definetly gets scanned thru if it comes on the radio
10. Don't Turn Around, Ace Of Base I think Ace of Base had one album, and it happened to be this year...
11. Bump N' Grind, R. Kelly ?
12. Again, Janet Jackson ?
13. I'll Remember, Madonna ? Usually I like madonna songs, can't remember this one
14. Whatta Man, Salt-N-Pepa This one was catchy, but can't say that I would queue the CD
15. Wild Night, John Mellencamp and Me'shell Ndegeocello Love Mellancamp!
16. Without You/Never Forget You, Mariah Carey ?
17. You Mean The World To Me, Toni Braxton ?
18. Can You Feel The Love Tonight, Elton John Love Sir Elton and love, was this Lion King?
19. The Most Beautiful Girl In The World, Prince Symbol ?
20. Fantastic Voyage, Coolio ?
21. Baby I Love Your Way, Big Mountain isn't this an older song? Maybe I am tinkin of the orginal..
22. Regulate, Warren G and Nate Dogg ?
23. If You Go, Jon Secada ?
24. Back and Forth, Aaliyah ?
25. Now And Forever, Richard Marx ?
26. When Can I See You, Babyface ?
27. Please Forgive Me, Bryan Adams ? Bryan Adams has a mushy album out this year - can't remember any of the songs
28. So Much In Love, All-4-One ?
29. Shoop, Salt-N-Pepa ?
30. Any Time, Any Place/And On And On, Janet Jackson ?
31. Shine, Collective Soul OH Here we go! Yes, liking this one... Ok, I guess I am not cool, I like the 31st song
32. Said I Loved You...But I Lied, Michael Bolton ?
33. Return To Innocence, Enigma LOVE this song. I htink I have this CD (I am not a big CD buyer)
34. All I Wanna Do, Sheryl Crow I think this oe still gets airtime, so I think i know it...Sherly Crow is background msic to me, I never reallt tune in.
35. Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm, Crash Test Dummies I loved this song and the video! (MTV still kinda played videos back in my day)
36. Can We Talk, Tevin Campbell ?
37. Funkdafied, Da Brat ?
38. I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That), Meat Loaf I Despise meatloaf. gag gag
39. Gangsta Lean, Drs ?
40. Because The Night, 10,000 Maniacs Another song and band that I love - got the CD and still listen to it - I think I have the MTV live version (ya know when MTV played music...)
41. Cantaloop, US3 ? really, this is a name of a song? where was I in high school?
42. Whoomp! (There It Is), Tag Team see, the hip hop songs that I rememebr I really hate...
43. Come To My Window, Melissa Etheridge Love Melissa Etherrisge - have this CD on my ITunes - miss hearing those rockin' women on the radio - like Indgio Girls - how come none of their songs are on this list? White folk are too busy listening to gansta rappers and not white lesbains I guess.
44. Stroke You Up, Changing Faces ?
45. I'm Ready, Tevin Campbell ?
46. 100% Pure Love, Crystal Waters ?
47. Anytime You Need A Friend, Mariah Carey ? yes mariah carey was all over 1994
48. Because Of Love, Janet Jackson ? would i recognie this one if I heard it?
49. Linger, Cranberries Love it!
50. Loser, Beck
51. Found Out About You, Gin Blossoms et where's the counting crows ont his list? Maybe that was 1995?
52. Gin And Juice, Snoop Doggy Dogg ?
53. Never Lie, Immature ?
54. Streets Of Philadelphia, Bruce Springsteen so brooding
55. Getto Jam, Domino ?
56. Endless Love, Luther Vandross and Mariah Carey ?
57. I Miss You w/ Aaron Hall ?
58. Understanding, Xscape ?
59. This D.J., Warren G ?
60. Cry For You, Jodeci ?
61. Keep Ya Head Up, 2Pac ?
62. Who Am I (What's My Name?), Snoop Doggy Dogg ?
63. Another Night, Real McCoy I think I might not hate this one...
64. Your Body's Callin', R. Kelly ? callin for what, pizza?
65. Tootsee Roll, 69 Boyz ?
66. I Can See Clearly Now, Jimmy Cliff ...the rain is gone... I swear this was an older song...
67. Never Keeping Secrets, Babyface ?
68. Crazy, Aerosmith Guitars and hot legs!
69. Just Kickin' It, Xscape ?
70. At Your Best (You Are Love), Aaliyah ?
71. Rock And Roll Dreams Come Through, Meat Loaf gag
72 Amazing, Aerosmith
73. Always, Erasure
74. Groove Thang, Zhane ?
75. Dreams, Gabrielle ?
76. Mr. Vain, Culture Beat
77. Mary Jane's Last Dance, Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers I like Tom PEtty but this was not my fav song
78. Anything, SWV ?
79. Beautiful In My Eyes, Joshua Kadison ?
80. Stay, Eternal
81. Flava In Ya Ear, Craig Mack ?
82. U.N.I.T.Y., Queen Latifah ?
83. Prayer For The Dying, Seal Like Seal
84. Secret, Madonna ? was this the cone boob era?
85. Here Comes The Hotstepper, Ini Kamoze ??
86. Everyday, Phil Collins
87. Don't Take The Girl, Tim McGraw ?
88. Got Me Waiting, Heavy D and The Boyz ? gad, how may boyz in '94
89. December 1963 (Oh, What A Night), Four Seasons
90. Indian Outlaw, Tim McGraw ?
91. Always, Bon Jovi
92. I'm The Only One, Melissa Etheridge this song makes me HOT!
93. Back In The Day, Ahmad ?
94. Love Sneakin' Up On You, Bonnie Raitt ?
95. I'll Take You There, General Public ?
96. Always In My Heart, Tevin Campbell ?
97. What Is Love, Haddaway ?
98. And Our Feelings, Babyface ?
99. Bop Gun (One Nation), Ice Cube ?
100. I Wanna Be Down, Brandy ?
Because it is 5 in the morning and I am awake, I am going to give my birthyear a try.
1. Love Will Keep Us Together, The Captain and Tennille
2. Rhinestone Cowboy, Glen Campbell
3. Philadelphia Freedom, Elton John
4. Before The Next Teardrop Falls, Freddy Fender
5. My Eyes Adored You, Frankie Valli
6. Shining Star, Earth, Wind and Fire
7. Fame, David Bowie
8. Laughter In The Rain, Neil Sedaka
9. One Of These Nights, Eagles
10. Thank God I'm A Country Boy, John Denver
11. Jive Talkin', Bee Gees
12. Best Of My Love, Eagles
13. Lovin' You, Minnie Riperton
14. Kung Fu Fighting, Carl Douglas
15. Black Water, Doobie Brothers
16. Ballroom Blitz, Sweet
17. (Hey Won't You Play) Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song, B.J. Thomas
18. He Don't Love You (Like I Love You), Tony Orlando and Dawn
19. At Seventeen, Janis Ian
20. Pick Up The Pieces, Average White Band
21. The Hustle, Van McCoy and The Soul City Symphony
22. Lady Marmalade, Labelle
23. Why Can't We Be Friends?, War
24. Love Wont Let Me Wait, Major Harris
25. Boogie On Reggae Woman, Stevie Wonder
26. Wasted Days And Wasted Nights, Freddy Fender
27. Fight The Power, Pt. 1, Isley Brothers
28. Angie Baby, Helen Reddy
29. Jackie Blue, Ozark Mountain Daredevils
30. Fire, Ohio Players
31. Magic, Pilot
32. Please Mr. Postman, Carpenters
33. Sister Golden Hair, America
34. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds, Elton John
35. Mandy, Barry Manilow
36. Have You Never Been Mellow, Olivia Newton-John
37. Could It Be Magic, Barry Manilow
38. Cat's In The Cradle, Harry Chapin
39. Wildfire Michael Murphy
40. I'm Not Lisa, Jessi Colter
41. Listen To What The Man Said, Paul Mccartney and Wings
42. I'm Not In Love, 10cc
43. I Can Help, Billy Swan
44. Fallin' In Love, Hamilton, Joe Frank and Reynolds
45. Feelings, Morris Albert
46. Chevy Van, Sammy Johns
47. When Will I Be Loved, Linda Ronstadt
48. You're The First, The Last, My Everthing, Barry White
49. Please Mr Please, Olivia Newton-John
50. You're No Good, Linda Ronstadt
51. Dynomite, Bazuka
52. Walking In Rhythm, Blackbyrds
53. The Way We Were/Try To Remember, Gladys Knight and The Pips
54. Midnight Blue, Melissa Manchester
55. Don't Call Us, We'll Call You, Sugarloaf
56. Poetry Man, Phoebe Snow
57. How Long, Ace
58. Express, B.T. Express
59. That's The Way Of The World, Earth, Wind and Fire
60. Lady, Styx
61. Bad Time, Grand Funk
62. Only Women Bleed, Alice Cooper
63. Doctor's Orders, Carol Douglas
64. Get Down Tonight, K.C. and The Sunshine Band
65. You Are So Beautiful/It's A Sin When You Love Somebody, Joe Cocker
66. One Man Woman-One Woman Man, Paul Anka and Odia Coates
67. Feel Like Makin' Love, Bad Company
68. How Sweet It Is, James Taylor
69. Dance With Me, Orleans
70. Cut The Cake, Average White Band
71. Never Can Say Goodbye, Gloria Gaynor
72. I Don't Like To Sleep Alone, Paul Anka
73. Morning Side Of The Mountain, Donny and Marie Osmond
74. Some Kind Of Wonderful, Grand Funk
75. When Will I See You Again, Three Degrees
76. Get Down, Get Down (Get On The Floor), Joe Simon
77. I'm Sorry/Calypso, John Denver
78. Killer Queen, Queen
79. Shoeshine Boy, Eddie Kendricks
80. Do It (Til You're Satisfied), B.T. Express
81. Can't Get It Out Of My Head, Electric Light Orchestra
82. Sha-La-La (Makes Me Happy), Al Green
83. Lonely People, America
84. You Got The Love, Rufus
85. The Rockford Files, Mike Pos
86. It Only Takes A Minute, Tavares
87. No No Song/Snookeroo, Ringo Starr
88. Junior's Farm/Sally G, Paul McCartney and Wings
89. Bungle In The Jungle, Jethro Tull
90. Long Tall Glasses (I Can Dance), Leo Sayer
91. Someone Saved My Life Tonight, Elton John
92. Misty, Ray Stevens
93. Bad Blood, Neil Sedaka
94. Only Yesterday, Carpenters
95. I'm On Fire, Dwight Twilley Band
96. Only You, Ringo Starr
97. Third Rate Romance, Amazing Rhythm Aces
98. You Aint Seen Nothin' Yet/Free Wheelin', Bachman-Turner Overdrive
99. Swearin' To God, Frankie Valli
100. Get Dancin', Disco Tex and The Sex-O-lettes
No Jim Croce?? I need to download his songs to ITunes...
I probably like a lot of these songs but I just don;t know their names ( I am not big on songs names, singer names or actor names. I always ask Triple S if I have ever seen an actor in a movie before, and he tells me 3 movies I have seen starring so and so...
TAG- You are all it!
1994
If it has a question mark, I really can't think of the song in my head. I grew up listening to classic rock and never had on the 'current' channel.
1994 was a year that was a bit short on guitar music. I am a rocker! Most of these songs I either hate or can't remember...
1. The Sign, Ace Of Base Yuck
2. I Swear, All-4-One ?
3. I'll Make Love To You, Boyz II Men I think a Boyz to men song was our class song - GAG!
4. The Power Of Love, Celine Dion ?
5. Hero, Mariah Carey This one is ok
6. Stay (I Missed You), Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories ok
7. Breathe Again, Toni Braxton ?
8. All For Love, Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart and Sting Vaguely remember - was this the 3 muskaters movie or something?
9. All That She Wants, Ace Of Base ...is another baby... HELLO! gag and definetly gets scanned thru if it comes on the radio
10. Don't Turn Around, Ace Of Base I think Ace of Base had one album, and it happened to be this year...
11. Bump N' Grind, R. Kelly ?
12. Again, Janet Jackson ?
13. I'll Remember, Madonna ? Usually I like madonna songs, can't remember this one
14. Whatta Man, Salt-N-Pepa This one was catchy, but can't say that I would queue the CD
15. Wild Night, John Mellencamp and Me'shell Ndegeocello Love Mellancamp!
16. Without You/Never Forget You, Mariah Carey ?
17. You Mean The World To Me, Toni Braxton ?
18. Can You Feel The Love Tonight, Elton John Love Sir Elton and love, was this Lion King?
19. The Most Beautiful Girl In The World, Prince Symbol ?
20. Fantastic Voyage, Coolio ?
21. Baby I Love Your Way, Big Mountain isn't this an older song? Maybe I am tinkin of the orginal..
22. Regulate, Warren G and Nate Dogg ?
23. If You Go, Jon Secada ?
24. Back and Forth, Aaliyah ?
25. Now And Forever, Richard Marx ?
26. When Can I See You, Babyface ?
27. Please Forgive Me, Bryan Adams ? Bryan Adams has a mushy album out this year - can't remember any of the songs
28. So Much In Love, All-4-One ?
29. Shoop, Salt-N-Pepa ?
30. Any Time, Any Place/And On And On, Janet Jackson ?
31. Shine, Collective Soul OH Here we go! Yes, liking this one... Ok, I guess I am not cool, I like the 31st song
32. Said I Loved You...But I Lied, Michael Bolton ?
33. Return To Innocence, Enigma LOVE this song. I htink I have this CD (I am not a big CD buyer)
34. All I Wanna Do, Sheryl Crow I think this oe still gets airtime, so I think i know it...Sherly Crow is background msic to me, I never reallt tune in.
35. Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm, Crash Test Dummies I loved this song and the video! (MTV still kinda played videos back in my day)
36. Can We Talk, Tevin Campbell ?
37. Funkdafied, Da Brat ?
38. I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That), Meat Loaf I Despise meatloaf. gag gag
39. Gangsta Lean, Drs ?
40. Because The Night, 10,000 Maniacs Another song and band that I love - got the CD and still listen to it - I think I have the MTV live version (ya know when MTV played music...)
41. Cantaloop, US3 ? really, this is a name of a song? where was I in high school?
42. Whoomp! (There It Is), Tag Team see, the hip hop songs that I rememebr I really hate...
43. Come To My Window, Melissa Etheridge Love Melissa Etherrisge - have this CD on my ITunes - miss hearing those rockin' women on the radio - like Indgio Girls - how come none of their songs are on this list? White folk are too busy listening to gansta rappers and not white lesbains I guess.
44. Stroke You Up, Changing Faces ?
45. I'm Ready, Tevin Campbell ?
46. 100% Pure Love, Crystal Waters ?
47. Anytime You Need A Friend, Mariah Carey ? yes mariah carey was all over 1994
48. Because Of Love, Janet Jackson ? would i recognie this one if I heard it?
49. Linger, Cranberries Love it!
50. Loser, Beck
51. Found Out About You, Gin Blossoms et where's the counting crows ont his list? Maybe that was 1995?
52. Gin And Juice, Snoop Doggy Dogg ?
53. Never Lie, Immature ?
54. Streets Of Philadelphia, Bruce Springsteen so brooding
55. Getto Jam, Domino ?
56. Endless Love, Luther Vandross and Mariah Carey ?
57. I Miss You w/ Aaron Hall ?
58. Understanding, Xscape ?
59. This D.J., Warren G ?
60. Cry For You, Jodeci ?
61. Keep Ya Head Up, 2Pac ?
62. Who Am I (What's My Name?), Snoop Doggy Dogg ?
63. Another Night, Real McCoy I think I might not hate this one...
64. Your Body's Callin', R. Kelly ? callin for what, pizza?
65. Tootsee Roll, 69 Boyz ?
66. I Can See Clearly Now, Jimmy Cliff ...the rain is gone... I swear this was an older song...
67. Never Keeping Secrets, Babyface ?
68. Crazy, Aerosmith Guitars and hot legs!
69. Just Kickin' It, Xscape ?
70. At Your Best (You Are Love), Aaliyah ?
71. Rock And Roll Dreams Come Through, Meat Loaf gag
72 Amazing, Aerosmith
73. Always, Erasure
74. Groove Thang, Zhane ?
75. Dreams, Gabrielle ?
76. Mr. Vain, Culture Beat
77. Mary Jane's Last Dance, Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers I like Tom PEtty but this was not my fav song
78. Anything, SWV ?
79. Beautiful In My Eyes, Joshua Kadison ?
80. Stay, Eternal
81. Flava In Ya Ear, Craig Mack ?
82. U.N.I.T.Y., Queen Latifah ?
83. Prayer For The Dying, Seal Like Seal
84. Secret, Madonna ? was this the cone boob era?
85. Here Comes The Hotstepper, Ini Kamoze ??
86. Everyday, Phil Collins
87. Don't Take The Girl, Tim McGraw ?
88. Got Me Waiting, Heavy D and The Boyz ? gad, how may boyz in '94
89. December 1963 (Oh, What A Night), Four Seasons
90. Indian Outlaw, Tim McGraw ?
91. Always, Bon Jovi
92. I'm The Only One, Melissa Etheridge this song makes me HOT!
93. Back In The Day, Ahmad ?
94. Love Sneakin' Up On You, Bonnie Raitt ?
95. I'll Take You There, General Public ?
96. Always In My Heart, Tevin Campbell ?
97. What Is Love, Haddaway ?
98. And Our Feelings, Babyface ?
99. Bop Gun (One Nation), Ice Cube ?
100. I Wanna Be Down, Brandy ?
Because it is 5 in the morning and I am awake, I am going to give my birthyear a try.
1. Love Will Keep Us Together, The Captain and Tennille
2. Rhinestone Cowboy, Glen Campbell
3. Philadelphia Freedom, Elton John
4. Before The Next Teardrop Falls, Freddy Fender
5. My Eyes Adored You, Frankie Valli
6. Shining Star, Earth, Wind and Fire
7. Fame, David Bowie
8. Laughter In The Rain, Neil Sedaka
9. One Of These Nights, Eagles
10. Thank God I'm A Country Boy, John Denver
11. Jive Talkin', Bee Gees
12. Best Of My Love, Eagles
13. Lovin' You, Minnie Riperton
14. Kung Fu Fighting, Carl Douglas
15. Black Water, Doobie Brothers
16. Ballroom Blitz, Sweet
17. (Hey Won't You Play) Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song, B.J. Thomas
18. He Don't Love You (Like I Love You), Tony Orlando and Dawn
19. At Seventeen, Janis Ian
20. Pick Up The Pieces, Average White Band
21. The Hustle, Van McCoy and The Soul City Symphony
22. Lady Marmalade, Labelle
23. Why Can't We Be Friends?, War
24. Love Wont Let Me Wait, Major Harris
25. Boogie On Reggae Woman, Stevie Wonder
26. Wasted Days And Wasted Nights, Freddy Fender
27. Fight The Power, Pt. 1, Isley Brothers
28. Angie Baby, Helen Reddy
29. Jackie Blue, Ozark Mountain Daredevils
30. Fire, Ohio Players
31. Magic, Pilot
32. Please Mr. Postman, Carpenters
33. Sister Golden Hair, America
34. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds, Elton John
35. Mandy, Barry Manilow
36. Have You Never Been Mellow, Olivia Newton-John
37. Could It Be Magic, Barry Manilow
38. Cat's In The Cradle, Harry Chapin
39. Wildfire Michael Murphy
40. I'm Not Lisa, Jessi Colter
41. Listen To What The Man Said, Paul Mccartney and Wings
42. I'm Not In Love, 10cc
43. I Can Help, Billy Swan
44. Fallin' In Love, Hamilton, Joe Frank and Reynolds
45. Feelings, Morris Albert
46. Chevy Van, Sammy Johns
47. When Will I Be Loved, Linda Ronstadt
48. You're The First, The Last, My Everthing, Barry White
49. Please Mr Please, Olivia Newton-John
50. You're No Good, Linda Ronstadt
51. Dynomite, Bazuka
52. Walking In Rhythm, Blackbyrds
53. The Way We Were/Try To Remember, Gladys Knight and The Pips
54. Midnight Blue, Melissa Manchester
55. Don't Call Us, We'll Call You, Sugarloaf
56. Poetry Man, Phoebe Snow
57. How Long, Ace
58. Express, B.T. Express
59. That's The Way Of The World, Earth, Wind and Fire
60. Lady, Styx
61. Bad Time, Grand Funk
62. Only Women Bleed, Alice Cooper
63. Doctor's Orders, Carol Douglas
64. Get Down Tonight, K.C. and The Sunshine Band
65. You Are So Beautiful/It's A Sin When You Love Somebody, Joe Cocker
66. One Man Woman-One Woman Man, Paul Anka and Odia Coates
67. Feel Like Makin' Love, Bad Company
68. How Sweet It Is, James Taylor
69. Dance With Me, Orleans
70. Cut The Cake, Average White Band
71. Never Can Say Goodbye, Gloria Gaynor
72. I Don't Like To Sleep Alone, Paul Anka
73. Morning Side Of The Mountain, Donny and Marie Osmond
74. Some Kind Of Wonderful, Grand Funk
75. When Will I See You Again, Three Degrees
76. Get Down, Get Down (Get On The Floor), Joe Simon
77. I'm Sorry/Calypso, John Denver
78. Killer Queen, Queen
79. Shoeshine Boy, Eddie Kendricks
80. Do It (Til You're Satisfied), B.T. Express
81. Can't Get It Out Of My Head, Electric Light Orchestra
82. Sha-La-La (Makes Me Happy), Al Green
83. Lonely People, America
84. You Got The Love, Rufus
85. The Rockford Files, Mike Pos
86. It Only Takes A Minute, Tavares
87. No No Song/Snookeroo, Ringo Starr
88. Junior's Farm/Sally G, Paul McCartney and Wings
89. Bungle In The Jungle, Jethro Tull
90. Long Tall Glasses (I Can Dance), Leo Sayer
91. Someone Saved My Life Tonight, Elton John
92. Misty, Ray Stevens
93. Bad Blood, Neil Sedaka
94. Only Yesterday, Carpenters
95. I'm On Fire, Dwight Twilley Band
96. Only You, Ringo Starr
97. Third Rate Romance, Amazing Rhythm Aces
98. You Aint Seen Nothin' Yet/Free Wheelin', Bachman-Turner Overdrive
99. Swearin' To God, Frankie Valli
100. Get Dancin', Disco Tex and The Sex-O-lettes
No Jim Croce?? I need to download his songs to ITunes...
I probably like a lot of these songs but I just don;t know their names ( I am not big on songs names, singer names or actor names. I always ask Triple S if I have ever seen an actor in a movie before, and he tells me 3 movies I have seen starring so and so...
TAG- You are all it!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Last Night
One is for Serenity, one for macadamia and one for all the babies I have come to know through the blogs and IRL...
My Dad is here for a few weeks and he is *really* cutting into my blogging time... and I am not used to someone *hovering* all the time. Blogging is my time. Dude. Go find something to do.
He was here for the candle lighting last night. I think maybe he gets that we are not really to the place that others call "back to normal."
***
And I am such a dummy because I didn't think to turn off the lights to snap the photo...everyone else's photos look great! boohooo
***
And McCain/Palin scare me.... at least my dad doesn't like McCain...I have a few weeks to get him to vote for Obama/Biden....
***
And and I hope that all the people that read my blog write to Congress!!! I hope I hope.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Light and Write
Please light a candle tonite to remember the countless babies that die before their birth.
Please write your representative to ask him or her to support the
Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act of 2008.
Here is a link explaining the bill at Washington Watch. You can read the bill (it is surprisingly short and straightforward) and leave comments. There is also a link (on the right under Take Action) to contact your Representative.
Thank you all for you support and comments, and welcome to all the SITStas... please read this post to find links on more information about stillbirth and share these links with pregnant women in your life.
I am a woman on a mission today!
Please write your representative to ask him or her to support the
Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act of 2008.
Here is a link explaining the bill at Washington Watch. You can read the bill (it is surprisingly short and straightforward) and leave comments. There is also a link (on the right under Take Action) to contact your Representative.Thank you all for you support and comments, and welcome to all the SITStas... please read this post to find links on more information about stillbirth and share these links with pregnant women in your life.
I am a woman on a mission today!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
My hubby cured me
Triple S has completely abolished my dizziness. I was still a little dizzy sometimes and all the time I had a sort of fogginess that made it hard to concentrate.
I read up on Benign Vertigo and found that maybe I have some rocks loose in my head (that actually explains a lot of things...). We decided to try this non-invasive and drug-free treatment called the Epley Maneuver. It's been two or three days now and I haven't been dizzy and even went for two bike rides. This is certainly helping my mood and spirits and all that!
Yeah Dr. Triple S.
I read up on Benign Vertigo and found that maybe I have some rocks loose in my head (that actually explains a lot of things...). We decided to try this non-invasive and drug-free treatment called the Epley Maneuver. It's been two or three days now and I haven't been dizzy and even went for two bike rides. This is certainly helping my mood and spirits and all that!
Yeah Dr. Triple S.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Junk Mail
I have to wonder when my friends will tire of getting doom and gloom emails in their inbox. Am I now going to their junk mail folders?
I sent an email to over 50 friends and former coworkers (and posted on FaceBook) that live in, oh a dozen states and about as many countries. This email was really about Stillbirth Awareness, and I also asked them to light a candle on October 15th.
Here is the info I included in the email:
Approximately 1 in every 115 pregnancies (or '1 in 100' or '1 in 150' or '1 in 200') ends in Stillbirth in the US each year. This is a seemingly random occurrence, with far too little data and attention paid to it. Of those 115 stillbirths, 40% of the stillbirths that occur in otherwise healthy pregnancies remain unexplained after physical examination of the mother and the placenta and an autopsy of the baby. See below to see why the rate is not known.
The rate of stillbirths in the US is higher than that of SIDS (~5%), higher than the infant mortality rate (~7% death after a live birth) and similar to that of premature birth (~13%). One reason that the SIDS rate has dropped over the last decade is due to research into ways to prevent SIDS and to an intensive awareness campaign aimed at educating expecting and new parents (the Back to Sleep Campaign). Perhaps the same attention should now be paid to the causes of stillbirths in otherwise healthy pregnancies and to educating expectant mothers on how to protect their child during the final weeks of pregnancy.
There is currently a bill in the House of Representatives that will substantially aid in the study of the causes of stillbirth. HR 5979 aims to standardize the post mortum protocol and reporting of the stillbirth and any determined causes at the Federal level. This will improve the data that is collected and provide a framework for epidemiological studies. Please view this bill at Washington Watch (http://www.washingtonwatch.com/bills/show/110_HR_5979.html) and write to your Representative (there is a link on the right of that page) to ask them to support this bill. Please do this close to October 15th so that a large enough volume of mail comes into their office and gets noticed.
Organizations such as the March of Dimes fund research and provide education in ways to prevent birth defects and premature births. Funding for stillbirth research and prevention is not at the same rate. In fact, the March of Dimes database does not include the rate of stillbirths within the US. If you give to such organizations, please consider asking them to divert more resources to the area of stillbirth prevention. Losing a baby one week before his or her due date is no less painful than losing a baby one week after his or her birth.
In addition, if you or someone you know is pregnant, please read and share these pages:
http://babykickalliance.org/stillbirth.asp and
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/duringpregnancy/kickcounts.htm.
Kick Counts were not mentioned to me by my doctor nor were they covered or emphasized in the prenatal books that I read. There is currently a push by some doctors for greater monitoring of baby kicks, but an inconclusive study about the benefits of kick counts a few years ago has led many doctors to ignore this free and easy way to monitor fetal health. It is completely non-invasive and may help a family avoid the tragic outcome of a baby's death in the womb.
After a safe delivery, www.savebabies.org recommends screening for 95 newborn diseases, which are not screened for in most states.
If you would like to know more about stillbirth and how to support those in mourning, please visit the
MISS Foundation at www.missfoundation.org:
http://www.missfoundation.org/babysbreath/index.html and the
National Stillbirth Society at http://www.stillnomore.org/main.htm .
October is more famously known as "Breast Cancer Awareness" month. My doctor has recently recommending a preventative measure to me which is similar to the one outlined here: http://www.breasthealthproject.com/
I hope the email is shared with their friends who are still facing the unknown road through reproduction. I can only hope that a baby is saved from all that I have learned since Serenity died.
***
I also invited a few close friends to read my blog. EEEEKKKK! They better freakin say "hi". :)
I sent an email to over 50 friends and former coworkers (and posted on FaceBook) that live in, oh a dozen states and about as many countries. This email was really about Stillbirth Awareness, and I also asked them to light a candle on October 15th.
Here is the info I included in the email:
Approximately 1 in every 115 pregnancies (or '1 in 100' or '1 in 150' or '1 in 200') ends in Stillbirth in the US each year. This is a seemingly random occurrence, with far too little data and attention paid to it. Of those 115 stillbirths, 40% of the stillbirths that occur in otherwise healthy pregnancies remain unexplained after physical examination of the mother and the placenta and an autopsy of the baby. See below to see why the rate is not known.
The rate of stillbirths in the US is higher than that of SIDS (~5%), higher than the infant mortality rate (~7% death after a live birth) and similar to that of premature birth (~13%). One reason that the SIDS rate has dropped over the last decade is due to research into ways to prevent SIDS and to an intensive awareness campaign aimed at educating expecting and new parents (the Back to Sleep Campaign). Perhaps the same attention should now be paid to the causes of stillbirths in otherwise healthy pregnancies and to educating expectant mothers on how to protect their child during the final weeks of pregnancy.
There is currently a bill in the House of Representatives that will substantially aid in the study of the causes of stillbirth. HR 5979 aims to standardize the post mortum protocol and reporting of the stillbirth and any determined causes at the Federal level. This will improve the data that is collected and provide a framework for epidemiological studies. Please view this bill at Washington Watch (http://www.washingtonwatch.com/bills/show/110_HR_5979.html) and write to your Representative (there is a link on the right of that page) to ask them to support this bill. Please do this close to October 15th so that a large enough volume of mail comes into their office and gets noticed.
Organizations such as the March of Dimes fund research and provide education in ways to prevent birth defects and premature births. Funding for stillbirth research and prevention is not at the same rate. In fact, the March of Dimes database does not include the rate of stillbirths within the US. If you give to such organizations, please consider asking them to divert more resources to the area of stillbirth prevention. Losing a baby one week before his or her due date is no less painful than losing a baby one week after his or her birth.
In addition, if you or someone you know is pregnant, please read and share these pages:
http://babykickalliance.org/stillbirth.asp and
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/duringpregnancy/kickcounts.htm.
Kick Counts were not mentioned to me by my doctor nor were they covered or emphasized in the prenatal books that I read. There is currently a push by some doctors for greater monitoring of baby kicks, but an inconclusive study about the benefits of kick counts a few years ago has led many doctors to ignore this free and easy way to monitor fetal health. It is completely non-invasive and may help a family avoid the tragic outcome of a baby's death in the womb.
After a safe delivery, www.savebabies.org recommends screening for 95 newborn diseases, which are not screened for in most states.
If you would like to know more about stillbirth and how to support those in mourning, please visit the
MISS Foundation at www.missfoundation.org:
http://www.missfoundation.org/babysbreath/index.html and the
National Stillbirth Society at http://www.stillnomore.org/main.htm .
October is more famously known as "Breast Cancer Awareness" month. My doctor has recently recommending a preventative measure to me which is similar to the one outlined here: http://www.breasthealthproject.com/
I hope the email is shared with their friends who are still facing the unknown road through reproduction. I can only hope that a baby is saved from all that I have learned since Serenity died.
***
I also invited a few close friends to read my blog. EEEEKKKK! They better freakin say "hi". :)
Friday, October 10, 2008
Busy being happy and busy being sad
Vacation is (mostly) all booked. We somehow managed to get one night where we don't have a hotel, but we are working on that. It is hard being a deadbabyparent- your brain just does not function well.
I started a new part-time position- Thur and Sat (Fri today was a training day).
My supervisor wanted to know when my birthday was and was excited that it is coming up because that means department birthday cake. I was trying to downplay it, and said my b-day is probably not even on one of my days here. She said "that's ok, we'll have it the closest Thurs" etc etc. I am not much of a b-day person as it is, and I really don't want to be the center of attention where I've just started and will probably never know everyone since I only work there 1 day in the week, AND I am NOT looking forward to my birthday this year.
Triple S and I have decided to skip all the holidays this fall. No porch light or candy for the tricker-treaters, we will volunteer at a food pantry for thanksgiving (nothing like seeing those less fortunate than you to cheer you up...), and we will be taking part in the drinking and debauchery that is "Temptations Resort and Spa" in Cancun Mexico for christmas.
Well, my new supervisor still is like "Don't worry, we'll do your birthday" so I just had to come out and say, "well, my daughter died earlier this year so I will probably be crying on my birthday." I think I might get a pass this year... I really don't think I will handle any "Happy Birthdays!" well. There's only one present I want and we all know I can't have it.
That all being said, she's nice and easy to talk to.
***
Yesterday I went to Target, my fav store. I like to call it Taaar Jaay, (all Frenchy) cause it sounds fancy. I had to pick up a b-day card for my SIS. I was just so sad after that. Walking around the store, trying not to cry. It's a pretty card, very girly, with rhinestones and a butterfly. I want someone to buy me something pretty with sparkles and butterflies. Or someone to send me a pretty card.
Probably this is all accumulating: seeing Sara's (of Streaks on the China) wonderful idea and cute cards (I really wanted to buy one for myself, because I miss my baby); then buying lots of cards for others recently (a congrats for my mom for an award at work, my dad's b-day, my lil sis's b-day, two friends' b-days); then the fall holidays and my b-day coming up..... boooohoooo.
Anyway, here's the link for Sara's beautiful, hand-screened, 'still thinking about you and your baby' cards. These cards are great to express support at a time of loss (specifically made for that long period after all the sympathy cards have been sent). Too bad I am preachin' to the choir here....
***
I told Triple S last night that I would never be happy in life again. Yes, I can enjoy little things, I am pretty much 'happy' now, but I don't think I will ever be light-hearted and just happy. The big things will always be tinged with sadness. At my birthday, the holidays, with my next baby and everything he or she acheives, all his 'firsts', I will just wonder "what if." What if Serenity hadn't died, what would she have done? But I also know that thought, that instantaneousand involuntary skip to my missing daughter, will mostly be fleeting, chased away by this thought: that Serenity's lil bro or sis likely would not exist if she hadn't died.
I started a new part-time position- Thur and Sat (Fri today was a training day).
My supervisor wanted to know when my birthday was and was excited that it is coming up because that means department birthday cake. I was trying to downplay it, and said my b-day is probably not even on one of my days here. She said "that's ok, we'll have it the closest Thurs" etc etc. I am not much of a b-day person as it is, and I really don't want to be the center of attention where I've just started and will probably never know everyone since I only work there 1 day in the week, AND I am NOT looking forward to my birthday this year.
Triple S and I have decided to skip all the holidays this fall. No porch light or candy for the tricker-treaters, we will volunteer at a food pantry for thanksgiving (nothing like seeing those less fortunate than you to cheer you up...), and we will be taking part in the drinking and debauchery that is "Temptations Resort and Spa" in Cancun Mexico for christmas.
Well, my new supervisor still is like "Don't worry, we'll do your birthday" so I just had to come out and say, "well, my daughter died earlier this year so I will probably be crying on my birthday." I think I might get a pass this year... I really don't think I will handle any "Happy Birthdays!" well. There's only one present I want and we all know I can't have it.
That all being said, she's nice and easy to talk to.
***
Yesterday I went to Target, my fav store. I like to call it Taaar Jaay, (all Frenchy) cause it sounds fancy. I had to pick up a b-day card for my SIS. I was just so sad after that. Walking around the store, trying not to cry. It's a pretty card, very girly, with rhinestones and a butterfly. I want someone to buy me something pretty with sparkles and butterflies. Or someone to send me a pretty card.
Probably this is all accumulating: seeing Sara's (of Streaks on the China) wonderful idea and cute cards (I really wanted to buy one for myself, because I miss my baby); then buying lots of cards for others recently (a congrats for my mom for an award at work, my dad's b-day, my lil sis's b-day, two friends' b-days); then the fall holidays and my b-day coming up..... boooohoooo.
Anyway, here's the link for Sara's beautiful, hand-screened, 'still thinking about you and your baby' cards. These cards are great to express support at a time of loss (specifically made for that long period after all the sympathy cards have been sent). Too bad I am preachin' to the choir here....
***
I told Triple S last night that I would never be happy in life again. Yes, I can enjoy little things, I am pretty much 'happy' now, but I don't think I will ever be light-hearted and just happy. The big things will always be tinged with sadness. At my birthday, the holidays, with my next baby and everything he or she acheives, all his 'firsts', I will just wonder "what if." What if Serenity hadn't died, what would she have done? But I also know that thought, that instantaneousand involuntary skip to my missing daughter, will mostly be fleeting, chased away by this thought: that Serenity's lil bro or sis likely would not exist if she hadn't died.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Is it healthy to feel sorry for oneself?
Last night, right before falling to sleep, I just felt sorry for myself.
Macadamia's miscarriage has really been a set back for me. That and the vertigo really put a stop to my exercising. Can't really bike when you can't walk straight.
These feelings, along with Triple S' stresses (see below) added up to a me pity party. Then, I started thinking "Is it healthy for me to feel sorry for myself? Is that bad mental thought process or ok?" Gad. I worry if my worry is healthy...
Triple S and I are trying to plan a trip. we decided on going to see the Mayan ruins in the Yucatan peninsula. Triple S has been so excited. We sat down to book tickets, and everything was expensive for the dates to match up with the tour. This was it for Triple S. He just couldn't take anymore. At work, his one coworker is starting to show, everyone posts pics of their kids on the door that he has to walk through daily, and he feels like he has to 'put on a face'. Serenity died, Macadamia died, my health is in the pits, and we can't plan our freakin trip! He had enough...
I told him he could put a pic of Serenity or her name on the door. He didn't think that would really help...
I told him not to worry, and I have pretty much taken over the trip planning. I found a tour company that can take us around the ruins on a flexible schedule so we could afford the plane tickets (well, it's debatable if we can afford it, but we are spending the money). I bought them last night. We really need a vacation. I called the tour company to get more info and to book the tour and am waiting for an email back with details.
It'd be nice if a lost a pound or two before this trip (well, really, it'd be nice if I lost 30, but I am being realistic...). And I hope the vertigo goes away. We are going to lounge on the beach a few days before coming back. We will be there for 12/25, so hopefully being away from the US for the holiday will help us to not cry so much...
We are excited for this trip and hope we can eat some yummy (non resort) food, ya know, like Anthony Bourdain.
***
In other news, I am busy planning our bathroom rehab. I guess I am the general contractor and site manager, oh, and designer. I am trying to do an eco-rehab, so getting recycled-material countertop, dual flush toilet, etc. Gosh, I am busy.
***
In other other news, I picked up a part-time position at a botanic garden- Thurs and Sats. We'll see if I like it.
I ain't doin' nothin' in life I don't like no more!!
Macadamia's miscarriage has really been a set back for me. That and the vertigo really put a stop to my exercising. Can't really bike when you can't walk straight.
These feelings, along with Triple S' stresses (see below) added up to a me pity party. Then, I started thinking "Is it healthy for me to feel sorry for myself? Is that bad mental thought process or ok?" Gad. I worry if my worry is healthy...
Triple S and I are trying to plan a trip. we decided on going to see the Mayan ruins in the Yucatan peninsula. Triple S has been so excited. We sat down to book tickets, and everything was expensive for the dates to match up with the tour. This was it for Triple S. He just couldn't take anymore. At work, his one coworker is starting to show, everyone posts pics of their kids on the door that he has to walk through daily, and he feels like he has to 'put on a face'. Serenity died, Macadamia died, my health is in the pits, and we can't plan our freakin trip! He had enough...
I told him he could put a pic of Serenity or her name on the door. He didn't think that would really help...
I told him not to worry, and I have pretty much taken over the trip planning. I found a tour company that can take us around the ruins on a flexible schedule so we could afford the plane tickets (well, it's debatable if we can afford it, but we are spending the money). I bought them last night. We really need a vacation. I called the tour company to get more info and to book the tour and am waiting for an email back with details.
It'd be nice if a lost a pound or two before this trip (well, really, it'd be nice if I lost 30, but I am being realistic...). And I hope the vertigo goes away. We are going to lounge on the beach a few days before coming back. We will be there for 12/25, so hopefully being away from the US for the holiday will help us to not cry so much...
We are excited for this trip and hope we can eat some yummy (non resort) food, ya know, like Anthony Bourdain.
***
In other news, I am busy planning our bathroom rehab. I guess I am the general contractor and site manager, oh, and designer. I am trying to do an eco-rehab, so getting recycled-material countertop, dual flush toilet, etc. Gosh, I am busy.
***
In other other news, I picked up a part-time position at a botanic garden- Thurs and Sats. We'll see if I like it.
I ain't doin' nothin' in life I don't like no more!!
Monday, October 6, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
October 15th outreach
I am planning to send an email to friends regarding October 15th. I will ask that they light a candle, and the email will contain info on stillbirth and the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. I want others to have info on stillbirth that I didn't have.
I may also invite a few RL friends to read my incognito blog! EEK! That's a little scary.
I may also invite a few RL friends to read my incognito blog! EEK! That's a little scary.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Friendships
Since many others have posted on this topic recently, I thought I'd add my two cents. Well, plus it is on my mind, perhaps because others have been posting about it. That's some kind of circular logic.
I am a very social person. I choose to use the present tense here, because I think one day I will be social again. I don't think the core of my being has shifted so much. I am also a bit private. Two examples:
1) We have stayed in touch with the chaplain from the hospital. We met her a few weeks ago just to catch up. I guess she felt a connection to us, otherwise I can't see how a chaplain could follow up with every patient. Well, she also officiated Serenity's memorial service at our request, so I guess maybe we aren't the norm. But anyway, when we met for lunch she said that "I hold [my] hand of cards, and I might show a tiny corner of one of them." I don't really disagree with that statement, especially about someone I don't know. Triple S knows just about everything about me, and noone knows even 25%.
2) I remember when I was in high school, I was friends with two sisters, I was in between them in age but we were all in a ~16 month range. I would tell some things to one sister and some to the other. Just because it is difficult for me for one person to know everything about me.
I think that I am social and have many acquaintances, but I am close to few people on this earth. I don't open up easily, not because I am paranoid or secretive; I am private. I also listen a lot to others and always ask them countless questions about what they are dealing with.
When I left my job, I left many work-friends. I haven't kept up with too many, but most of these folks are not people that I did social things outside of work with very often. Some had been to my house for a party or we had gone out for happy hour. I refer to these people as friends, but the majority are more like acquaintances. There are a few people that I will make more efforts to stay in touch with as time goes on, but most have probably drifted through my life.
Having said that, one gal from work has become closer, and a reliable friend. We knew each other, had dinner parties and had gone out before Serenity died. Our husbands get along. After Serenity, she called and they came over and just listened to Triple S ramble on about his feelings (See, he was talking and I was being private). These friends have been great. They called us, forced us out of the house, sat with us, said "let's do something", but have never held it against us if we couldn't. I don't think they would hate us if we canceled 5 min before something as long as we apologized and said, 'it's just a bad day". They have brought into the fold a third couple and all summer we have been enjoying little things with them- boating, dinner. Easy times. These are not dramatic people and they are easy going and not demanding on my emotions.
This week we were invited to go wine-tasting Thursday and boating on Saturday with these two couples. I finally emailed them back (when I realized it was this week) and said, "I've been sick and I am on drugs, so no wine, and I am dizzy, so no boating." No anger or disappointment, but an invite for dinner this Friday and thick concern coming through in the email. What did I do to deserve such a thoughtful and kind friend?
****
Having said that, there are others who I find extremely difficult to handle now. Too much drama, too many details, too much stress. I am not emailing them (I have become a HUGE emailer instead of phone or face to face) and they are not contacting me. I don't miss them. Will I in the future? Maybe. Maybe not.
I don't know what the difference is.
****
If I actually sit down to think about it, I am so antisocial right now. I work from home. There are some days that I do not talk to anyone all day. I *try* to avoid doing this blog or commenting during 'working' hours. Sometimes I am on Plurk. The crazy thing is, I don't feel like this is little social contact. I need this quiet, simple time.
I just had a weird conversation with someone the other day. I was a bit in the middle between a husband and wife. It affected me deeply and I really had to work to get through it. It was a huge stress for me; something I would probably not have thought twice about before.
When I was back to work for those two month, I was a ball of anxiety, especially when it came to interacting with my stupivisor. I just can't imagine having to still deal with that.
Now, I am teaching a class twice a week. I am slowly committing myself, back to the outside world. We went to that party last weekend, where most people don't know us; don't know what happened.
****
I have issues with my mother. I don't think she is an empathizer. I just don't know what she thinks, and I don't think she *thinks* before she says stuff to me. I called her after my vertigo began to dissipate so she wouldn't worry. Then she is asking me if I am doing any house projects (ya know maintenance on a 80 year-old-house). I told her, flat out, "mom, we are lucky if we can deal with the day to day. I have been sick for 9 days and this is the first day I don't feel dizzy. I had surgery on Thursday. We haven't done any house projects since Serenity died" Do I really need to explain this to her? Oh wait, apparently I do.
****
There is really no point tot his post. This is more a list of the social interactions and the difficulties I have with being out there in the world. It's not easy. I am in a different place than I was in March, than in July before being pregnant again, and even a different place than yesterday. I am certainly not in the same place I was before getting pregnant with Serenity nor during that pregnancy. I can never go back there.
I hope to tell those two easy-going couples what's happened these last few weeks, when we see them again. To me, it is important to be honest with them, although it will be be tricky to "bring it up", and it will be hard for them to hear, and hard for me to receive sympathy.
****
Maybe that's what it is. Maybe I don't want sympathy as much as I need empathy and understanding. Like Janis says, I want space. I need time and energy to heal, both physically and mentally. I want leeway in my friendships. Those who think I can just go out and have a ball or listen to their telenovelas can't give me what I need right now.
I am a very social person. I choose to use the present tense here, because I think one day I will be social again. I don't think the core of my being has shifted so much. I am also a bit private. Two examples:
1) We have stayed in touch with the chaplain from the hospital. We met her a few weeks ago just to catch up. I guess she felt a connection to us, otherwise I can't see how a chaplain could follow up with every patient. Well, she also officiated Serenity's memorial service at our request, so I guess maybe we aren't the norm. But anyway, when we met for lunch she said that "I hold [my] hand of cards, and I might show a tiny corner of one of them." I don't really disagree with that statement, especially about someone I don't know. Triple S knows just about everything about me, and noone knows even 25%.
2) I remember when I was in high school, I was friends with two sisters, I was in between them in age but we were all in a ~16 month range. I would tell some things to one sister and some to the other. Just because it is difficult for me for one person to know everything about me.
I think that I am social and have many acquaintances, but I am close to few people on this earth. I don't open up easily, not because I am paranoid or secretive; I am private. I also listen a lot to others and always ask them countless questions about what they are dealing with.
When I left my job, I left many work-friends. I haven't kept up with too many, but most of these folks are not people that I did social things outside of work with very often. Some had been to my house for a party or we had gone out for happy hour. I refer to these people as friends, but the majority are more like acquaintances. There are a few people that I will make more efforts to stay in touch with as time goes on, but most have probably drifted through my life.
Having said that, one gal from work has become closer, and a reliable friend. We knew each other, had dinner parties and had gone out before Serenity died. Our husbands get along. After Serenity, she called and they came over and just listened to Triple S ramble on about his feelings (See, he was talking and I was being private). These friends have been great. They called us, forced us out of the house, sat with us, said "let's do something", but have never held it against us if we couldn't. I don't think they would hate us if we canceled 5 min before something as long as we apologized and said, 'it's just a bad day". They have brought into the fold a third couple and all summer we have been enjoying little things with them- boating, dinner. Easy times. These are not dramatic people and they are easy going and not demanding on my emotions.
This week we were invited to go wine-tasting Thursday and boating on Saturday with these two couples. I finally emailed them back (when I realized it was this week) and said, "I've been sick and I am on drugs, so no wine, and I am dizzy, so no boating." No anger or disappointment, but an invite for dinner this Friday and thick concern coming through in the email. What did I do to deserve such a thoughtful and kind friend?
****
Having said that, there are others who I find extremely difficult to handle now. Too much drama, too many details, too much stress. I am not emailing them (I have become a HUGE emailer instead of phone or face to face) and they are not contacting me. I don't miss them. Will I in the future? Maybe. Maybe not.
I don't know what the difference is.
****
If I actually sit down to think about it, I am so antisocial right now. I work from home. There are some days that I do not talk to anyone all day. I *try* to avoid doing this blog or commenting during 'working' hours. Sometimes I am on Plurk. The crazy thing is, I don't feel like this is little social contact. I need this quiet, simple time.
I just had a weird conversation with someone the other day. I was a bit in the middle between a husband and wife. It affected me deeply and I really had to work to get through it. It was a huge stress for me; something I would probably not have thought twice about before.
When I was back to work for those two month, I was a ball of anxiety, especially when it came to interacting with my stupivisor. I just can't imagine having to still deal with that.
Now, I am teaching a class twice a week. I am slowly committing myself, back to the outside world. We went to that party last weekend, where most people don't know us; don't know what happened.
****
I have issues with my mother. I don't think she is an empathizer. I just don't know what she thinks, and I don't think she *thinks* before she says stuff to me. I called her after my vertigo began to dissipate so she wouldn't worry. Then she is asking me if I am doing any house projects (ya know maintenance on a 80 year-old-house). I told her, flat out, "mom, we are lucky if we can deal with the day to day. I have been sick for 9 days and this is the first day I don't feel dizzy. I had surgery on Thursday. We haven't done any house projects since Serenity died" Do I really need to explain this to her? Oh wait, apparently I do.
****
There is really no point tot his post. This is more a list of the social interactions and the difficulties I have with being out there in the world. It's not easy. I am in a different place than I was in March, than in July before being pregnant again, and even a different place than yesterday. I am certainly not in the same place I was before getting pregnant with Serenity nor during that pregnancy. I can never go back there.
I hope to tell those two easy-going couples what's happened these last few weeks, when we see them again. To me, it is important to be honest with them, although it will be be tricky to "bring it up", and it will be hard for them to hear, and hard for me to receive sympathy.
****
Maybe that's what it is. Maybe I don't want sympathy as much as I need empathy and understanding. Like Janis says, I want space. I need time and energy to heal, both physically and mentally. I want leeway in my friendships. Those who think I can just go out and have a ball or listen to their telenovelas can't give me what I need right now.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
I finally said it
Today after class, one of my students asked "Is this all you do?" (Yes, all I do in my life is teach one college course as an adjunct)
"No, I have a freelance copyediting business."
"Oh, you have kids at home?"
"No."
pause, pause. It seemed really long to me.
"My daughter died earlier this year."
***
I told her a bit more, and that I quit my job because my boss was a f*ucker and started my dream business.
I am finally at a point that I can say this. Say this and not instantly burst into tears. On the drive home from the Uni, I was proud. Sad and proud. Proud of myself for recognizing my daughter and proud of being my baby's mama. I also felt like bawling.
"No, I have a freelance copyediting business."
"Oh, you have kids at home?"
"No."
pause, pause. It seemed really long to me.
"My daughter died earlier this year."
***
I told her a bit more, and that I quit my job because my boss was a f*ucker and started my dream business.
I am finally at a point that I can say this. Say this and not instantly burst into tears. On the drive home from the Uni, I was proud. Sad and proud. Proud of myself for recognizing my daughter and proud of being my baby's mama. I also felt like bawling.
Americans: Write your Representative
I just sent an email off to my House Representative asking him to support the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act of 2008.
Here is a link explaining the bill at Washington Watch. You can read the bill (it is surprisingly short and straightforward) and leave comments. There is also a link (on the right under Take Action) to contact your Representative.
You can use my letter as a template or write your own, better note. It sure would be swell to get this HR 5979 passed by this year:
Dear ,
I am writing to ask you to help get HR 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act of 2008 through the Committee and passed before the end of this year. ***The longer that Bill 5979 takes to pass, the more children that will die needlessly.***
This bill will legislate the standardized tracking of stillbirth data. This data can then be used to research and attempt to understand why seemingly healthy pregnancies suddenly end tragically. I held my child, a fully formed baby who died in my womb. Neither the doctors nor the autopsy can explain why or how this happened. A unified reporting system throughout the country can help to track these deaths, in the same way that other deaths are tracked.
Please do everything in your power to get HR. 5979 through Congress. And please think of us, the grieving families around the world, on October 15th, the International Stillbirth and Pregnancy Loss Day of Remembrance.
Sincerely,
Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act of 2008.
Here is a link explaining the bill at Washington Watch. You can read the bill (it is surprisingly short and straightforward) and leave comments. There is also a link (on the right under Take Action) to contact your Representative.You can use my letter as a template or write your own, better note. It sure would be swell to get this HR 5979 passed by this year:
Dear ,
I am writing to ask you to help get HR 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act of 2008 through the Committee and passed before the end of this year. ***The longer that Bill 5979 takes to pass, the more children that will die needlessly.***
This bill will legislate the standardized tracking of stillbirth data. This data can then be used to research and attempt to understand why seemingly healthy pregnancies suddenly end tragically. I held my child, a fully formed baby who died in my womb. Neither the doctors nor the autopsy can explain why or how this happened. A unified reporting system throughout the country can help to track these deaths, in the same way that other deaths are tracked.
Please do everything in your power to get HR. 5979 through Congress. And please think of us, the grieving families around the world, on October 15th, the International Stillbirth and Pregnancy Loss Day of Remembrance.
Sincerely,
National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: Take ActionOctober 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.
Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce it's incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still. Lobby your Congressional Representatives to get this bill passed! The government funds research on breast cancer, heart disease, AIDS - why not the death of babies?
On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.
Action Steps:
Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others
-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.
GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word
Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others
-E-mail 5 bloggers and nicely ask them to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community. Email friends and family to inform them about this bill and to ask them to honor your baby by participating in the world-wide October 15th Wave of Light.
GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.
Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act
-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act." Aks your readers to lobby Congress to pass this research bill.
GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results for "October 15th" or "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day".
The MISS Foundation
International Day of Remembrance
Bill H.R.5979
Stillbirth Research
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
