Stick Figure Families

I don't know if ya'll have seen the stick figure families that have been popping up on car windows. I noticed them a few months ago.

Now every time I see one, I just think how badly I want a stick figure family. Almost as bad as I want my real family to be whole.

I found a website that has angel baby stickers! Search Bel*vedere Des*igns.

Soon to arrive in the mail, I will have my stick figure family, with one winged baby that says "Missed" underneath. I think I will give it to dh for Father's Day. I wanted to do something for him. He has actually begun to dread FD already. He really likes to wear the "One Who Soars" bracelet I got from the MISS Foundation. He wears it everyday. I think he will like the stickers too. I haven't decided on a card for him yet or not. What do you think? Signed from who?

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Can you tell I am into online retail therapy?

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I told my dh about DC's post about her hubby's online moniker. We both laughed at that one. Now, my dh wants to be SSS. This is an abbreviation for one of his nicknames. This name reflects 3 physical properties about him. I can tell you that he is short and skinny. The third shall not be disclosed and is possibly a matter of opinion, although I think it is fact.

Exercise Video Recommendation

Two weeks after I delivered our little Serenity, I decided I needed to get back into shape, pronto. I started doing some light yoga and quickly found myself in so much pain. This was an ultra-flare-up of an old upper back problem. I started to wonder if maybe I needed one of those made-for-the-post-partum body videos. Ya know, a mom video.

I certainly didn't want one of those "Use your baby as a weight" videos. No exercising with Serenity would be going on here.

I did find a video with very good and safe techniques and minimal baby references.

"Bounce Back Fast!" by Helene Byrne

This set of exercises, presented in the video and also in an accompanying book, has really helped me to decrease my pain and start regaining some stomach and back muscle. Actually, it is even retraining me to recognize muscles I didn't even now existed!

The ladies doing the exercises are actually 3 or 4 months out, so I didn't feel too bad when I had to put this video away while I got my back straightened out. I have recently started doing the exercises again and I know I am now ready for them (it's amazing how long it takes, really!)

Now, the host is a bit of an odd lady, but I just try to ignore her. Maybe I am too picky!

There are a few references like "You'll need these muscle to pick your baby out of the crib", but they are minimal. I just think "No, not for this baby, but I need these muscles back in shape to try for the next one."

The book also does a good job of explaining the post partum body (like kyphosis). The video includes an exercise band.

A poem for your enjoyment

The Phoenix Again
~ May Sarton

On the ashes of this nest
Love wove with deathly fire
The phoenix takes its rest
Forgetting all desire.

After the flame, a pause,
After the pain, rebirth.
Obeying nature’s laws
The phoenix goes to earth.

You cannot call it old
You cannot call it young.
No phoenix can be told,
This is the end of the song.

It struggles now alone
Against death and self-doubt,
But underneath the bone
The wings are pushing out.

And one cold starry night
Whatever your belief
The phoenix will take flight
Over the seas of grief

To sing her thrilling song
To stars and waves and sky
For neither old nor young
The phoenix does not die.

Hanging on to what I can

I had this pedicure done a day before I *think* Serenity died.

I couldn't reach my toes anymore and I wanted to pamper myself a bit. I was really stressed at work and had alot going on. I did this pedicure for me.

I haven't been able to remove the nail polish yet.
It is one fo the last tangible connections to my pregnant body. Well, except the jelly belly and angry stretch marks. Neither of which I think I will ever be able to get rid of.



My toes are marking the time since I lost Serenity.

Memorial Day

Memorial Day may traditionally recognize those soldiers who lost their lives serving our country, but in my family it also a day to spruce up the graves and take flowers to our deceased family members. My grandmother, who is 89, does this, so it must be ok. Of course, she takes flowers to her parent's and many older relatives. She also takes flowers to her daughter's site, who died as a toddler to diabetes.

I never thought that I would outlive my daughter. But I have.

My other grandmother, who died last year, never really got through her grief over the death of my uncle at age 40. Her favorite phrase was "parents shouldn't outlive their children". I never thought that there was a hard and fast rule of the universe about this. So when we lost Serenity, I vowed to not fall into this and to continue living my life to honor Serenity. Also, I feel like I have to live for her, because she cannot experience this life anymore. So I am living. I take enjoyment from nature, and the natural world includes kids and the wonder they have as they experience the world and discover themselves and their surroundings.

Well, since today is a good day to memorialize those who have gone before us, I am sharing with you our Serenity's resting place here with us. This is a shelf in the study-come-nursery-come empty room that is kind of a sitting room but that noone sits in and we basically just go into when we need to room. Or when we need to say hi to Serenity.



you can open photo in new window to see larger version


Her urn is surrounded by photos of our grandparents. Only three of them are still with us. The crystal butterfly is from dh's cousins, who are just 10 and 11. One of the wallet cards that we have given out is also there. On the back are the lyrics to IZ's "Over the Rainbow"

Her English name and birthdate are carved into the wood on the top of the urn.

The plaque on front is her Chinese name: "Family name" Yi Qian. It is a very beautiful name in Chinese and means "with modesty". The smaller characters on the left are both dh's and my Chinese names. On the right is her birthdate. I am so happy to have this plaque for her. DH's family sent it to us from Taiwan. It was quite an ordeal to get everything correct on this.

I wanted to share this and MD is a good day for it. This is a very special place for me. I don't go here or even glance at it very often, but I know it is here. It is where Serenity Joy physically is, but she is always with me in my heart and my mind and my soul.

It's Official

Weekends suck.

I feel my loss more strongly on the weekends. I guess I have more time, or I think I should be doing fun stuff with the little one. I don't know what it is.

Today we hosted a BBQ for two other couples. It was great fun. Plus, I need the motivation of people coming to my house to get my a55 around to clean up the place. It has been utter CHAOS lately.

I have so many small projects and responsibilities that need taken care of, but, frankly, I just don't care about them. I need to start caring real soon.

And I need a job. Super stressful.

AND and I had a sleep study this week. Yep. What an adventure. A whole night of sleeping elsewhere, without dh, but in the company of at least 15 electrodes and wires and speakers and who knows what. And a whole day of taking naps. Four naps in 1 day. I called dh to tell him this and he was jealous. I woke up at 9 am, got breakfast, and went for a nap at 10:15. I finished 7/8 of a book that I have been trying to get to for some time. We'll know results in 7-10 days, after 1000 pages of results!

This book was actually wonderful. It spoke to me. The guy seems a bit crazy, so it is no wonder that I could relate. The book is "All the Strange Hours' by Loren Eiseley. Eiseley was a anthropologist who wrote essays and books for the layman. This is what I want to do "when I grow up", and my SIL recommended him to me. This book is his autobiography. I thought that by reading it I could see how to get there. Of course, the book is much more esoteric than that. And a good read.

There is a quote that he used, that I want to share with you, reader:

"One must somehow find a way of loving the world without trusting it" -GK Chesterton


Now, if you regularly read my blog and have never commented, please leave a comment and introduce yourself. If you have a blog, I will check it out.

Who, me?

Wow, it has been a busy two days in deadbaby google reader.

By the way, does anyone know how to get the comments on my blog into my google reader????

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In other news, G nominated me for a Pink Rose Award. I am honored to be grouped with the likes of C and Coggy, whose blogs I also <3.

I am posting what G said about me, well, because it makes me happy... :)

"Ya Chun at She Almost Made it. I am so sorry she is here with us in this deadbabyland, but I am so grateful to read her thoughts and converse with her. She has such an engaging personality already, whether it's in her posts or her followup comments, I enjoy her conversation greatly. If you aren't reading her blog, you should be. Go give her some hugs as she struggles through this journey without Serenity Joy. <3"

Thank you G!

This is what I like about the Pink Rose Award:
"In this blogosphere we read and feel each other's joys and pains. When people can't hope for themselves, we try to have hope for them, even if we feel that all hope is lost on our own situations. No matter how we express it, what I think we feel but do not often say about hope is this: we hope will have the strength to live through whatever is handed to us, and that come what may, we will be alright.

How many pink roses do you know? How many times have you wanted to let them know that they are appreciated and that you find them and their words beautiful? How many times have you wanted to lift someone up and said a silent prayer that she or he would be able to heal? How many times have you felt a fellow blogger's isolation and wanted reach out to let them know they weren't alone? Here's your chance. Give the Pink Rose Award to those who inspire you or need to be inspired, to those who have encouraged you or those who need encouragement."

So, today I would like to nominate:

STE and CDE. I really appreciate the insightfulness of their words. I think of them very often, especially this week. I am sorry that the "E's" are here with us in deadbaby blogland, but I am grateful for their company.


To all the others: keep writing, reading and commenting!


1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: http://smartone.typepad.com/smartone/2008/05/pink-is-my-favo.html. You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.

2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.

3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.

4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.

5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.

6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

For deadbabymamas everywhere

Yes, we are a community even though we live far and wide and may never meet each other in the solid world. But you have all helped me so much. So here is another song for your perusal. This song played at Serenity's memorial service at the end of the prelude. The chaplain asked everyone to gather in before the song started and everyone really listened. It was very special to me.

If We Hold on Together
Diana Ross

Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Faith, hope & glory
Hold to the truth in your heart

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

Souls in the wind
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end
Valley, mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Words are swaying
Someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts, everyone

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
As high as souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I

No post

must be good news.

Just riding the waves of sunshine here.

I gardened ALL day on Saturday. Jeez I was sore.

I gardened a bit more on Sunday. Then went with friends to brunch. Then met other friends to go hiking in a local wildflower preserve. Aside from dh allergies and my achy back, it was super enjoyable. Busy and exhausting though.

But hey, I am only 3 months postpartum. Hiking for 4 hours will wear anyone out at that stage. Especially considering I am having all these back issues. But after all that movement I was much more limber today and the physical therapist could actually do some treatments. YEAH!

I also must say, I got a call today telling me that I got accepted into a summer writer's workshop. Double YEAH!


I've realized that maybe weekends are more difficult than weekdays. I am really sad alot on the weekends. I was really looking forward to this spring and showing my baby all the flowers in the garden, ya know teaching her the latin names and which ones you can eat and which ones you want to pull out of the flowers! Instead, my husband and I planted a garden for Serenity. A nice shady place under our dogwood tree. Full of native plants with all kinds of interesting leaves and flowers.

The sun has been out and our spirits are ok. We are just so sad to be without Serenity Joy. To be back to our old life and not on a new adventure.

We are moving forward while carrying our love for our missing daughter with us. I don't fear leaving her behind because I know I will always ache for her. I will always feel her absence, a hole in my heart, a regret. I will stop and smell the gladiolas for her.

MISS

Two days ago I received the lapel pins that I ordered from the MISS Foundation.

Two days in a row I have worn the pin.

Two people asked me what the pin was for.

Maybe I am not ready to wear this yet.

Today, my friend at work asked me what the pin was of. I said it's a mama and her baby. It's hard to say that. I said it is the symbol of the MISS foundation and she sai she never knew there was such a foundation. I said she was lucky. I felt like I sounded callous saying that, and it wasn't what I really wanted to say but it just came out. She said, well, you didn't want to know about it either.

So, I thought that maybe I am not really ready to wear this pin and answer the obvious questions that will come. But then, while I was driving home, I thought, no, I DO want to wear this pin. it shows people that I am still upset about losing my daughter, that I am still sad and mad, that I still miss her. Of course people are going to ask, and of course it will hurt, but she is being thought of, by me and by the curious friend, coworker, stranger.



Other random things in my brain

Now, like I have been saying, my mood is generally good. However, I have a commute that is 45 minutes on a good day. I am not happy nor cheery nor anything good on this drive. That time, alone, in the car, heading to my babyless house, is super sucky.

I try to think of my "good third" at that time. And those in the "middle third" that are close to the good third. I don't need everyone directly speaking to me about my baby. I have many coworkers that I never discussed any personal stuff with before I was pregnant. I kinda like that it didn't change. Most of them sent cards and have been gentle with me, and that is enough.

Additionally, I realized yesterday that many people ask how my hubby is doing. DH always tells me when we get home that so-and-so asked how you were, etc. I never remembered to tell him when people asked about him, but this week someone asked how he was and it dawned on me that many people had been doing this. So, of course I tried really really hard all day to remember to tell my dh that people do ask how he is doing (two people on the same day, as a matter of fact). Well, I did remember to tell him and it made him feel so, I don't know what the word is, not happy, but, cared for, I guess. Well, anyway, it warmed his little heart.

So, maybe it's us, the mamas, who forget to tell their hubbies sometimes!!! Sorry dh...

Resilience

n. the ability to recover readily, as from misfortune

I finally found the word I was looking for.

I have been pretty cheery lately, and often feel a bit remorseful about it. When I think of my daughter, I feel really sad, and I have a background sadness that I didn't have before. But all in all, I am able to talk and joke with friends that I feel safe with. I am able to work. And I knew that this was some trait and I just could not think of it. Then I saw mention of a book titled something like "how to raise resilient children" and I found the word!

I think you need some resiliency to get through the death of your child. You can "bounce back" to a semblance of your former self. I can enjoy the small things in life again, even while missing the chance to share it with Serenity.

I feel better now that I have a name for it.

Now, even though I found a somewhat even keel in these new waters, I still have issues. On Saturday, I went to the opening day of our local farmer's market. While I enjoyed the market and seeing all the familiar purveyors, it was just too sad seeing all the kids. The mamas wearing their new babies, the kids happy to be out and about. I wanted to wear my baby to the market and buy my fresh veggies. I am not going this Saturday. I want to enjoy whatever sun comes our way this weekend.

And this next song is dedicated to...

G and M!

This song, by the Rolling Stones, is a song I really like. It was our first dance song at our reception in my church's hall. Stones? Church? Yeah, I'm a hellion.

Sweethearts together
We've only just begun
Sweethearts together
We'll take life as it comes
Sweathearts forever
Two hearts together as one

Everybody needs someone
To tell their troubles to
To share the pain and laughter
In a world beset with fools
To help you with your ups and downs
Someone to heal your wounds
So we're

Sweethearts together
When two hearts beat as one
Sweethearts together
We've only just begun
Sweethearts forever
Two hearts together as one As one

Everyone so cynical
And says that love won't last
Think about your future
Stop living in the past
Time's not standing still
So stop looking through those tinted glasses

Sweathearts together
We've only just begun
Sweathearts together
So glad I've found someone
Sweethearts forever
Two hearts together as one As one

But love is never easy
It's never silky smooth
There's always something tempting
In the wilderness of youth
But I will stay right by your side
The truth will out, you'll realize
We're

Sweathearts together
we've only just begun
Sweathearts together
So glad I found someone
Sweethearts forever
Two hearts together as one

We played the second verse and chorus at the memorial service. I never would have thought when we got married how true this would be, how it would be tested in our life.

Happy Anniversary you two!

6 x 6

1 | In a word, how would you characterize yourself before your loss, and then after?

Before: Naive
After: Troubled


2 | How do you feel around pregnant women?

Trepidatious, melancholy, hopeful. It's a mixed bag of jumbled up emotions.


3 | How do you answer the 'how many children' question?

None with me. Usually stops that line of conversation.
"Do you have any kids" often gets a "not yet", probably because that was the habitual answer before this.


4 | How did you explain what happened to your lost baby to your living children? Or, if this was your first pregnancy, will you tell future children about your first?

Yes, I will tell Serenity's younger sibling(s) about her. But we will try not to compare, because Serenity, I am sure, will be idealized (by us).


5 | What would another pregnancy mean to you, and how would you get through it—or are you done with babymaking?

I don't know what another pregnancy will mean. Are we masochistic, maybe? Maybe that we are hopeful and willing to try again. That we won't give up. I hope that we are not too worried and that we can enjoy the development of our second child with some pure happiness. I think we will be more careful. I will buy a kick counter and we probably will also get a heart doppler. We'll be those kind of expectant parents.


6 | Imagine being able to step back in time and whisper into the ear of your past self the day after your baby died. What would you say?

Hold her longer, take more pictures. Or, maybe nothing. I don't think I have any wise words for this. You just have to go through it. And I think I was mentally there when we found out. I knew I just had to get through her delivery.

No, I am not keeping score... well maybe a little

Mother's Day as a childless mother...sucks.
The weather today is quite possibly the worst it has ben all year...fitting.

A neighbor of mine just dropped in my mailbox a request for donation to the lung Assc. Now, this lady has never introduced herself to me in the ~5 years we have lived here. She lives directly across the street from us. Surely she knew I was pregnant. Surely she has seen that I am not now and everyone who has visited wears a long face and there is no new baby bobbing around on the block. If she can freakin walk across the street to ask for money, can't she drop in a sympathy card? Yeah, I won't be donating. Maybe I should drop a solicitation for MISS or NILMDS into her mailbox.

I went to a BBQ last night at a friend's house. She has some other friends that I have met at her house before, but don't know myself. The last time I was with this group I was, oh maybe 8 months pregnant. So, the one guy who I had spoke with quite a bit at the last party asked me about my baby. Because, obviously, I am not pregnant any more. I shook my head no. He said, 'but weren't you pregnant?' Well, I had am mouth full of food and he just kept asking. I finally swallowed and said we lost her. Now, it is great that my friend isn't gossiping a bunch, but it sure would be nice to warn everyone not to ask me. So, yeah, it ended up being just a great time. I was already in a rotten mood all day.

And, I must be getting old. She just started grad school after working a few years. Her new friends I think are all 22-23 years old. There were talking such nonsense. I really said to the one "you must live a sheltered life" Yeah, woohoo, I am the life of the party. My husband just thought they were immature. Like I said, I am getting old.

But she was really pissing me off with her asinine conversations. I only stayed because I really wanted a chance to talk to my one friend who has been really great through all this. We are going hiking maybe next weekend, once dh allergies have subsided.

And then there is my one high school friend. Had a baby just before me. She is on face.book so knows I lost my baby. I think my sister also talked to her. Haven't heard anything personal from her (she sends me lots of forwards and links to her babies' sites. What the heck?

And my parents. My mom talked and talked yesterday without saying anything. I sent her her card and she thanked me for it. I talked to her yesterday because I didn't want to talk to her today. She never acknowledges anything that is going on. Hello dysfunction!

And what about my friend who hasn't done anything more than send me a sympathy card. And the invitation to her wedding. She lives here in town but didn't have time to come to the memorial service (or send a note as to why she didn't come). Yeah, maybe I won't have time for her wedding.

Thank goodness for the new/good people in my life.

My dh's coworker who lost her first born. I had met her a few times, but didn't know her that well. But she really helped us. She now has 3 sweet gals.

The nurses at the hospital. They gave our family a peaceful environment for us to bring Serenity's tiny body out into the world. They washed her and took care of me.

My friends H and Y, who don't always know what to say, yet say the right thing, and also know when to not say anything.

My dh's other coworker who had at least 4 miscarriages. She is old enough to be my aunt. She lost both of her parents last year. Her and her husband have been so sweet to us. They bought us a garden stone with a dragonfly and "serenity" on it. We bought some more native plants to fill in the garden under the dogwood tree that I want to make for Serenity. I wanted to work on it today but we are having a typhoon here in the beautiful midwest. I want to take them out for breakfast next weekend. Sweet, sweet G and L.

And my neighbors, M, J, and Mr. B. M has been so wonderful and present for me. You just never know who is going to step to the plate.

The nurse at my new family doctor who just held both of my hands in hers and let me cry when I had to tell her my medical history and got to the "just lost my first baby" part.

My coworker S who was there when I needed her and now has helped me return to the daily routine and picked up my slack, since I now have half a brain.

And my dear dh. He wished me "Happy Mother's Day" today. Well, maybe he likes to see me cry or something. But I think I would have missed it if he hadn't.

And the deadbabymamas, members of the club that no one wants to be in, yet here we are. We are moms, and we are good moms. I wish you, my sisters, a calm and love-filled Mother's Day.

~a

Peace

It's Friday. I only cried once this whole week. It's not that I am stopping myself, it just isn't there. My mood was better this week. I only cried when I had to tell my new doctor we lost our daughter. I couldn't even finish the sentence and the tears just burst out. Well, I did write it in the medical history TWICE - don't the Doc's ever read these things?

So, yes, I only cried once this week. I guess I am saving it for this weekend.

I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend.

More medical appointments

I went to the Rheumatologist (Rht) today. This was after I had some abnormal antibody test results. Well, the Rht doesn't think that I have lupus, or Rheumatoid arthritis or any other such super nasty syndrome. But, he wants me to do a sleep study because i am tired when I wake up. Then I started thinking, you know, I fall asleep while I am driving to work, when I am reading, watching TV, etc. Maybe I do have sleep issues? Oh yeah, I also slept through college...

AND, I have benign hyperflexibility syndrome. I didn't know that being as flexible as I am was a syndrome. And these high antibodies can indicate an autoimmune or connective tissue disorder. And some of these disorders, so the Dr. says, can lead to stillbirth!! I hope we can get this sorted out. Maybe I am lucky that I carried the baby as far as I did or that I got pregnant at all. But still, my OB was pretty quick to jump on the "umbilical cord twice tightly around the neck" explanation with nothing determined from the autopsy.

I really never knew that all of these aches and loose joints could be such a serious medical issue. It just sucks a**. God, I should have gone to the doctor before. Of course, I always did tell my doctors about these things and show them my double jointed thumbs, but I guess I never had a competent Dr. like my family doctor now.

Oh, the Rht also thinks I have a lot of stress and anxiety. DUH. But, I had some of that before. I am a "stressed out" personality. Maybe I should work on that. Sounds stressful though.

Gad, I just can't wait until I don't have to go to the doctor, the physical therapist, or get bloodwork done for a whole month. I have been going to doctors non stop for a year now.

Well, if I do find out that I have a syndrome, I want it reported that my daughter died at 39 weeks. This could be a bigger trend than those aloof OBs know.

Boo hoo....

Three months

It's been three months without our Serenity Joy.

I feel melancholy when I think about it. Otherwise, my mood both yesterday and today was actually ok. I am worried that I will crash in the next few days. I have felt so good, that I think I will suffer greatly soon.

It's been a hard three months. But we are getting through.

Mommy and Daddy love you, Serenity!

Spring... finally

It was finally a nice day. Needed it.

I biked, vegged, gardened, walked, chatted with neighbors. All good.

Here is one of the songs from the memorial. This is the song we ended the service with. Hopeful, I think.

What a Wonderful World
Louis Armstrong

I see trees of green........ red roses too
I see them bloom..... for me and you
And I think to myself.... what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue..... and clouds of white
The bright blessed day.... the dark sacred night
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow.....so pretty ..in the sky
Are also on the faces.....of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands.....saying.. how do you do
They’re really saying......i love you.

I hear babies cry...... I watch them grow
They’ll learn much more.....than I’ll never know
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world

Yes I think to myself .......what a wonderful world.

Have I changed?

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today. We were out, at the movies. The light was different in that restroom than here at the house. Bright. Too bright, and the mirror was at a different angle, and maybe closer.

I saw myself as I was washing my hands. I stared. "Do I look different?" My eyes look sad. My mouth seems to be a bit frowny. Doesn't it take more muscles to frown than to smile? Frowning is easy now. The fresh highlights look lighter than my old ones. I like this haircut. Even though it is a "mom" cut. Short and easy. Should I grow my hair longer, be a girl again? Young, fresh, innocent and cheery? It would take more than long hair for that. Maybe even a wrinkle, a crease in my forehead. I am going to have frown lines from this. I'd rather have smile lines. My eyes look sad. Aged beyond their years.

"Oh, my hands are probably clean by now..."


On the way home, I ask my husband if he thinks he looks different. He knows this is a loaded question.
"Yes and no. I probably do."
"Do I look different?"
He looks over at me. Hey, he is supposed to be driving.
"Yes, and no. Yes, you do. In your eyes."
"You too."

No, we are not over anything. Yes, we are still sad. We are blue. No, it's not fair. We don't like it. But it is our reality. It is our love. For each other. For Serenity. For all the goodness in the world. Our hope and our fear. The new us. Probably not improved.



Things I am not:
Blithe
Light-hearted
Fulfilled
Perky
Sunny
Steady
Healthy
Happy
Hopeful
Whole

Things I am
Blue
Melancholy
Pained
Strained
Stretched
Stricken
Afflicted
Deflated
Empty
Despairing
Broken

Train Wreck

I feel like I am a train whose engine has gone off the track.

The cars from behind are still crashing into each other and piling up.

I don't know how long this train is.

I am just waiting for the caboose.