Now you tell me...

This is the start of my second full week back to work. I am starting to avoid people less. I work in a very dynamic environment that makes use of a lot of shared space, so it is impossible really to avoid anyone.  So, everyday more that I am at work, the more people I see. Most now are saying more than just hi and asking me how I am. I am mostly ok, thanks for asking. 

But, today, two women told me they had miscarriages. The one lady has a daughter who is at least 18, so this must have been sometime ago. She was crying and I was comforting her.  The other, I've only said hi to a few times. She lost her baby five years ago.

I just wish these ladies had talked to me when I was still pregnant. Maybe I would have done something differently. Maybe I would have heard that you can loose your perfectly healthy baby one week before her due date. 

Last week, the president at my work chased me down to offer his sympathy. I really appreciated that and I felt he really meant it. Well, it turns out his daughter gave birth a few weeks after I lost my baby. She was going to go for no interventions, but my loss was fresh on her mind. I guess her labor was going a long time and she told them to do a c section. Turns out the cord was wrapped around her baby's neck too. So I guess my Serenity saved one life already. 

I just wish I could have saved her.

Babies everywhere

Well, it is a dreary weekend here in the midwest. Not helping my mood at all. 

I miss my Serenity so much. I was laying on my tummy last night reading "Tunnels" (why I am reading a kid's book now is beyond me, but it is all I can manage to focus on - I started 5 other books).  I just started to feel so empty. My belly is empty and my arms are empty.

It might be too cold next Sunday to release butterflies at the memorial. What a downer.

We had to walk over to the park today, well, for exercise, and to see if the pavilion we want to use has electricity. We are getting a DJ to play some sad songs and so we have a mic.  I have been blue all day and running errands just didn't cheer me up (go figure). So I called our neighbor. On Sundays he is stay-at-home Dad. Over the years that we have lived next door, we often find each other on weekends to chit chat a bit. I like to see his son and he goes bonkers for lack of adult conversation (he also teaches middle school- so yeah, i would say so). So we walked over to the park with neighbor and his son.  Good for us and good for them. His little one (we call him Mr B.) always cheers me up and Mr. B's dad has tons to say. My dh and I don't have too much to talk about when we are by ourselves. First, we were together all day and second, especially when I am blue, the biggest topic is missing our dream girl.  

So the point is, it really cheered me up to go for a walk in between the rain with Mr. B and his dad.  Mr. B is 11 months older than Serenity would have been and we had great plans for them to play together and dh always joked around about having to keep him away from Serenity when they were teens. But I love Mr. B very much, he is a really sweet kid, just turned one and is walking and calling everything "da".  I saw him just a few days after we lost Serenity, and I feared I had scarred him for life. His mom came over to talk to me and I just cried while we all three were hugging.  Mr. B. didn't really warm back up to me for about a week (along time when you're that little) Mr. B's mom has been really great. She has weird work hours so that Mr. B never has to go to day care, so she was around during the day when I was on maternity leave and dh was already back to work. We'd spend some time together or go for walks. Over those weeks, she is the one who said some of the sweetest things to me. One thing she said was

"You know, all these weeks, I have been in mourning for Serenity, and ..."

I don't really remember exactly what she said after that, but it touched me so much that she was so sad about our baby too.  

It is always a little bittersweet. People have asked me (including the counselor) how it is too see other babies. With Mr. B it is definitely fine, and I am glad we saw him right away and didn't wait a long time so that it became a dreaded occasion. But the way I see it, Mr. B is Mr. B. and Serenity is Serenity. They are not he same person.  It helps that we have known Mr. B since the week he was born.  But, think of it this way, if one's spouse dies, can you not tolerate seeing your friend's spouse? It is actually harder for me to see kids at the grocery store, especially little ones still in the car seat. 

Two real tests will come in the next two weeks. My friend from work is coming to the memorial service. She was pregnant at the same time I was (the only lady to overlap with me at work-actually that I knew at all). Her baby was born a few months ago (I am trying really hard to not keep track so I don't compare their "ages - and I told her this and asked her not to tell me how old he is). I know however that they would be pretty close. She asked me if she could bring him to the service or if I would rather she find someone to watch him. THANK YOU! Thank you very much for asking. I told her I really thought it would be fine, mainly because she asked,  and I won't be surprised, and just the consideration makes it better!. And she told me that if I didn't come over and see them she would totally understand, but she just really wanted to be at the service for Serenity. So we will see how it goes, but I do really want to see her son- I haven't met him yet. Hopefully I can.

The next big BIG challenge is the following weekend. It is my grandparent's 70th wedding anniversary (yes, they have been married 70 years- 10 times as long as my husband and I).  We have to travel half way across the country for this.  I am out here without any family, as they are all back east.  My cousin had a baby about a month after we lost Serenity. This is going to be really hard, I think. I am glad I will have a pretest with my coworker's baby.  Yeah, my family isn't as sensitive and considerate as my coworker.  I can really see my uncles not understanding why I am crying my heart out just by seeing a little baby. Well, maybe this kid is really ugly....that might help. haha.

I was reading some posts at "A Road Less Travelled". I think these got me tinking about this. topic- other people's kids.  

The other thing on my mind is at work. My coworker, C (she shares my office-no cubicle or nothin') hasn't been to work for almost two weeks (she hasn't been back since I have returned). When I got back to work, she had missed a week with a really bad stomach flu and couldn't keep any food down. My boss was really concerned and we were discussing this. I said maybe she has an underlying health condition that she really needs to figure out. My boss was wondering if she had an eating disorder and I said I had never seen any signs that had me worried about that. Well, we talked about this for probably 10-15 min and I talked about it also with my close coworker (S), who also shares our office but is more of a friend of mine than C. Well, anyway, it turns out that C is pregnant. I guess she has that really bad morning sickness. Well, this might be a bit of a tough one. I guess she got pregnant about two months before I did (last year). I just hope she has a rough pregnancy at the beginning and a smooth one at the end with a happy ending. I plan to say this to her (I am guessing she will be in tomorrow).  I already know I will buy her a kick counter after her 20 week ultrasound. That will make ME feel better.

I just have to remember that these aren't "babies"; they are little individuals with character flaws and stinky diapers.  And they certainly aren't my Serenity!

Readers- any advise on these issue will be greatly appreciated!!!!!

~a

Yes, I apparently need converted

Well, I can tell spring is on its way.  I just had the knock at the door from someone trying to convert me. 

Should I just put a sign on the door that I am an atheist? Of course, then they would really want to save me. 

I need a sign than can detect the faith-based lunacy of the person walking up the steps so that it can say "I am a Muslim" or "I am a Jew" or some other such organized religion that those approaching my house would have enough sense to respect as my personal beliefs and not try to tell me how their belief system is better.

So, I told these guys that they are worshipping a god whom the followers believe is angry and vengeful. Just remember, when you point your finger at someone, three are pointing back to you. As I figure, their god has been known to do some pretty awful things, so I think it must have some pretty bad karma.  This guy actually told me that he doesn't think god is angry but that he is jealous. I didn't think jealousy was  really heathy emotion, but apparently it is no where near as bad as anger.

Maybe one day I will go to canvas a nearby neighborhood and tell people to not believe in god and that they are worshipping a sociopath.  But that's the thing with people that aren't in an organized religion, WE LEAVE OTHER PEOPLE ALONE to make up their own minds and to do their own thing. 

And I certainly wouldn't want to belong to an organized group of atheists!

I haven't eaten that in like 11 months!

I had a rough afternoon today.  Boss issues.  Maybe someday I will tell you what has happened with him. But I really feel like he is not important enough to be on my blog.  I just did not accept his mitigated apology. 

What I really want to say is that I had sushi last night! Really, I wanted to go for sushi every week for the last 4 or 5 weeks. I cried over this at one point. Well, really, not being able to go out for the sushi that night just started a train of thoughts that went something like this: 

"I never get what I want"

which led to 

"Because I want my baby!" and

"I can't have her"

and then I started crying.

But I also did really want sushi. 

I got it. And it was yummy and made me melancholic instead of terribly sad. 

It was bittersweet, because I probably wouldn't have risked eating sushi while breastfeeding.

Yesterday I also found out that I have a Strep-B infection. It must be in my blood because I only had blood work done. It is kind of funny, considering my OB told me I was negative two weeks before Serenity died in my womb... and how the autopsy said the "slight infection" likely did not contribute to her death...and why didn't my OB order any bloodwork after reading the autopsy report...?  I have probably been walking around with this infection for 7 or 8 weeks. No wonder my lower abdomen still is achy. I am on antibiotics and I hope this clears it up.

Anger abates grief

Anger is a very comfortable emotion for me. In my family, this is the only emotion anyone actually knows how to express. Even concern for a loved one somehow manages to be expressed as anger. Once I got out of my parent's house and my hometown, I slowly learned that there are actually other emotions out there.  I am still learning how to manage my anger and have recently discovered something that I want to share here.

In the last weeks, the only time I do not feel grief is when I am frustrated or mad (usually at someone).  This seems like a good idea, be angry and you don't feel so sad.  And it's pretty easy to be angry, especially with my stupivisor at work.  However, when I realized that anger is so powerful that it can actually mask my very big load of grief, I thought that this must not be a good emotion. I don't feel like I am explaining this very well, but it kind of scared me. Maybe I saw that I would become like my parents. They are so mad all the time and speak to each other in an unloving way. 

While I was still in pitocin-induced labor and sobbing over my dead little girl, her name just came to me.  Serenity Joy. Serenity was a name on our early list, but I always had reservations about naming a child a word. Well, her name came to me and it is two words. So much for reservations.  I thought Serenity, because it is my hope that she died in peace, and she certainly never had to live in this troubled world. Joy, well, because she brought my husband and I the happiest 9 months of our lives.  I still cry when I think about this. I told my dh about my idea for her name, and he instantly felt it was right. I went back to trying to rest during the labor.  

The next thought I had and decided to share with my dh was that we should live our lives to honor Serenity Joy.  To me, this means living well and honestly.  And really living, not giving up.  This is something I would periodically tell my husband, too. I would tell him, "if anything ever happens to me, I want you to live your life. If you find someone else, and she's good, it is my wish that you make a good life together".  He would always get so mad at me for bringing this up. But it is important to me that he be able to live to his potential and that he could make it through my death. 

Now that we have lost our daughter, I feel the same way. We miss her terribly and so many of our dreams have been dashed. She really is our dreamgirl.  We won't know what she could have been, or how she would have looked. But I do know that I don't want her life, nor her death, to have initiated anything bad.  

So, when I felt that anger was powerful enough to mask my grief, I realized that anger was not good. Being angry is not living well, and to have anger in my heart would not honor Serenity Joy.  Being angry at some stupid thing is not something I would have wanted to teach my daughter. And being angry over her death is not going to bring her back.

My heart is broken, and I want to heal it with positive emotions and feelings and actions.  I want the hole in my heart that Serenity took with her to be surrounded by love.

Memorial Service instead of 2 months old

My husband and I are planning our Serenity's memorial service these days.  It feels good to do something to honor our baby. We also hope that any friends and coworkers that come will see that we are not "over this". Yes,  we are trying to hold it together at work but we are still grieving parents.  

We really fell in love with IZ's version of "Over the Rainbow". If you have never heard of it, I recommend you check it out.  It is hopefull and uplifting.  Somewhere, that is where our dream girl is now. 

We are doing the service and wake in bright spring colors. That just seems right to us.  We hope to do a butterfly release if the weather is warm enough. I would recommend the website "mrbutterflies" for this.  They have boxes that are not wedding themed, and I called the lady and she was very nice to deal with for this terrible sort of thing.  Well, I'll let you know after the release if the butterflies were any good. 

My husband and I decided while we were at the hospital, maybe I was still in the early stages of labor, that we would honor our daughter through the way we lived our lives. That may seem like alot of pressure to put on yourself, and we will fall short many times, but I am trying to stay positive, and keep this blog positive too. I hope my words can help other mommies that have lost their babies.

To this end, I have added a poll. When reading other deadbabyblogs, it seemed to me that some of the other moms didn't get very long breaks after losing their babies to stillbirth. I would like to see the range of maternity leaves granted after delivering a fully formed little human being. 

The day our doctor came to check us out of the hospital, she said, "ok, so I will put you down for 2-4 weeks of leave." I must have had one heck of a look on my face! I said I didn't think that would be long enough. I was fully expecting the 6 weeks that my employer grants.  My doctor then said, "OK, I'll put you down for 6-12." 

By week five, I remember thinking that physically I still didn't feel like I could really return to work. I was still very stiff in my lower abdomen if I sat or stood for too long at a stretch. I still have this stiffness, but it is not as bad. Emotionally, I would say I have to go back to work at some point, and I think six weeks was probably a good enough time.  I guess if I have a rough day I can take off half a day. 

So, I think employers and doctors should still honor the leave that a mother with a live baby would get! We still need to heal physically from our deliveries. Come on, I carried a baby to term! I just didn't get to carry her home.

It's not all doom and gloom around here

Today my mood was a bit more level.  It is getting more steady with time. 

My husband and I went to see our counselor today. I would highly recommend to anyone experiencing a life-altering loss like this to seek counseling. We found someone who specializes in fertility and reproductive issues. It seems like it is just nice to hear a professional say that it is ok for you to cry and that you need to take care of yourself. I would also strongly advocate that you and your partner go together, as this way everything is said in each other's presence. Too many partnerships break up over things like this. However, if your partner has dug their heels in, go for yourself. 

My husband and I are doing ok. We are sad. We are humorous. We miss our baby. We love each other. Our hearts are broken. Our hearts are swollen with love for our baby. We have found that our relationship is solid. That is a great comfort. 

Yesterday, my colleague at work told me a very touching thing that she did.  She lost her husband unexpectedly several years ago, while their children were quite young.  She told me she traditionally writes the names of loved ones that have passed away in the sand whenever she goes to a beach. While she and her boys were on spring break last week, she wrote her husband's name and our baby's name all over the beach! I couldn't believe she would write our Serenity's name along with her husband's! It was such a nice way to honor Serenity and our great loss. It is these little things that people do, that just seem right to them at the time, that make a huge difference for these grieving parents.

Here I am

I now have a new understanding of the phrase "take one day at a time".

I lost my dear sweet girl at 39 weeks on February 6th, 2008.  

I've returned to work after 6 weeks of "maternity" leave.  

I still cry everyday. Somedays, it is just a tear or two.

I try really hard not to cry at work.  

The first day back to work was very difficult. I started dreading it about three weeks before my leave was over. I had been planning to leave my job after my maternity leave and a brief time back to sort out my responsibilities.  I was really looking forward to staying home with our little baby.  Since I now have no reason to stay home, I am back to work. However, I am currently have trouble finding a reason to be at work. 

The dread leading up to the return to work was very great. I started to think that maybe it wasn't going to be as bad as I was fearing.  I set in my mind the goal to make it through half the day. The worst fear was for the moment that I walked in the door and saw the receptionist. Every morning, coming into work, I would see her and we would both cheerily greet each other. I am not so cheery these days. Everyone at work would always ask how I was doing and my baby worked very hard right along with me, even on the last day.  

Well, I mustered the strength to drive to work, after dropping my husband off at his place of torture and money-making.  I walked into the building and the receptionist was there, talking to a nice coworker from IT. We did say good morning (or something) and she looked very sad. I made it around the corner and pushed the button to call the elevator. I was already crying. I got on the elevator and cried up to my floor. Luckily no one was on the elevator and it is a slow elevator.  I pulled myself together before the doors opened. 

It's not that I am worried that I will be ashamed if I cry at work. I am just worried that if I start allowing myself to cry at work, I will never stop. Or I won't be able to control it as well.  

I think that anyone who saw me on the first two days back to work (luckily my return day was a Thursday) would have seen a ghost. I felt like a ghost.  I really was trying to avoid talking or seeing too many people. I feel that everyone is giving me "that look". I don't know what that look is, but it must be sympathy and worry and relief and curiosity.   I think people want to see me to know if I am ok, but I am not really ready to talk to that many people. Small talk is tough if it goes over, say, a minute.  Luckily, I have many great coworkers that I am happy to see. Hopefully soon I will feel up to handling it more.

This whole post may end up discussing work. It is a big issue for me.  Hopefully anyone who has suffered a similar loss will gain from this. Maybe you will gain a sense that you are not the only one who has to go through this. Hopefully anyone reading this who hopes to help a coworker who has suffered a loss will gain some perspective.

So, basically, I like my place of work. I like a lot of the people that I work with. I just have issues with my boss. This is why I was quite happy to be leaving my job. In fact, I was really looking forward to it. Now I do not know what to do. One is not to change jobs while in grief. However, I am really unhappy with my boss.  I think I will save that for another post.

This is why I understand "day by day". I just have to get up, go to work, do some work at work, and come home. And do it again. This will allow for the passage of time and some healing.  I can't see forward through the fog right now.  I just have to take small steps everyday in a generally forward direction and see what is revealed to me in the mist. Each day.