Here and There

I'm back in my house, back to my life. But I still don't feel all the way here.

But I actually think I am living more in the present than before we left. I have not come back to the same place I was before.

I haven't exactly sorted it all out yet, so it is difficult to put into words. Well, maybe writing here, now, will solidify my diaphanous thoughts. I also haven't had much time.

We arrived Friday evening, and I worked Saturday, Sunday, and Monday at my part time job. I didn't feel great Monday after dinner, and woke at 1 am to toss my cookies - yep, projectile. I was fine Tuesday morning , so went to work. Well, 12 hours after my first round, round two started. (Can't say I have ever heard of a stomach flu that gives you a 12-hr reprieve in the middle!) I swear, I traveled to the hinterlands of Mexico, eating and drinking whatever was presented to me, and I am fine. I spend four days at an Americanized resort at the end of our trip....

Anyway,

--Oh, sorry Triple S just interrputed me - LOBSTER!!!!

Anyway, today is the first break I have had, beyond trying to keep up with daily life. Well, kinda keep up. The house is a post-vacation disaster. I was going to edit a job that came in while I was away, but instead I managed to spend the morning reading - Mistborn 2 - The Well of Ascension! I've been reading a bit on the blogs (Is anyone else's Google Reader not marking things as read after your read them? - I go on vacay and my Google Reader breaks?) Anyway, I just don't really know how I feel. I don't have words to offer to your posts. 2008 is coming to a close. I can state fact, but no words come in elaboration.

***

The trip to Mexico was beyond wonderful. I found peace. I found reality. Perhaps the easiest way to put it - I have completely accepted that Serenity is not with us. There is less of that "I wish she were here.../ I wish she hadn't died..." internal dialogue. I had accepted it logically before, but now I have taken a distinct step. I feel as if a large portion of the weight has been lifted. I feel like I fell in love with Triple S all over again (I seem to be doing that a lot lately).

I am only cautiously optimistic. February is but around the corner.

***

Looks like Triple S is planning a scrumptious New Year's Eve dinner. I guess this year will go out in style - so I also guess that means I should go clean the house. Well, at least the dining room.

I wish all of you the best for 2009: peace in your heart, hope in your soul, joy in your smile, acceptance in all of your being, and babes in your womb and arms.

Mexican Sand

***

I'm here, reading. Not commenting too much, but reading.

Ya Llegue

We are back.

We knew we were on American soil the instant the airport officers started herding us through customs (really, do you need so much shouting?) and we were strip searched. Well, we had to take off our shoes.

Mexico was relaxing. I think we both found some peace in our escape.

We arrived last night at 8, and I worked today. Good to just keep moving.

What did I not miss? Blogger word verification! I completely forgot how to do it when leaving a comment.

Christmas in Mexico is completely recommended. It's not so over-done there as it is here. Plus it's 80 degrees.

Yes, we took lots of pics. Yes, you can see them. Sometime. I only have two memory cards to download and go through...

Louis Armstrong

Played at Serenity's Memorial Service

Bridge over Troubled Waters

cliche? perhaps. But here you have it, from me to you.



I don't know why Paul Simon gets credit on that performance.


While I am off in foreign lands trying to avoid the holiday, I wish for you all peace, strength, hope, love, and yes, joy.

Just like no bridge is made with a single beam of steel or just one cable, our bridge is made of many. The total strength is more than the sum of each us, and together we can hold each other up.

(Mr Spit could likely explain this much better than I can.)

I'll be back soon, and in the spirit of avoiding the holiday, I won't go back and read the posts I've missed, but I will read the comments on my blog, if any. Vacation shouldn't cause me the stress of catching up in Google Reader!

IZ

Peace be with you all today and tomorrow.

John Denver

We played this song at the Memorial Service for Serenity in April 2008.

I'd say that I don't know what love is, but you know it when you feel it.

And you really know it when you've lost the one you love. And you know that you still have the love within you, mixed up like the shoreline as the tide comes in, with pain and grief and sadness. And you are tossed in those waves, unable to tell which way is up or if you are being carried to the safety of the shore or if you are being swept out into the open, deep ocean.

The Righteous Brothers

Played at Serenity's Memorial Service. So Melancholy.

REM

I've always loved that song, but I forgot how clever the video was, with the subtexts.


Hold on gals, hold on.

Diana Ross

This song was played at the start of the Memorial Service, (as a suggestion to our friends, perhaps?)

Eric Clapton

This song was played at the Memorial Service for Serenity.

Imagine

Sometimes, life should just be easier. If people were considerate, just, less greedy. Yeah, I guess I am an idealist. Look where it got me. Look where it got John Lennon.

So long

I am about to head off for our trip, in a few days, but I am booked solid until then, and need to squeeze in last minute packing and such.

I hope to find sun, warmth, and relaxation in Mexico.

I told my doctor today that we'll probably end up with the same amount of misery, just in a new locale.

I went in for a last-minute back adjustment. About 81% of my vertebrate were locked up. Guess I wasn't crazy about the pain I was in.

I also told my doctor I have a (medical/weight loss/ rid myself of backpain/get pregnant/have a live baby) plan. That starts in January. "Because I can't wait for 2008 to be over." Cue tears. Gad, I hate crying at the doctor's office. It just seems so unprofessional. I am supposed to go to the therapist if I need a good cry. And then I wanted to tell her, 'no, no, I really am doing better. This is the first time I've cried in weeks.' Well, ok, maybe a week.

I do not like sitting in the exam room, waiting. I think it builds a certain amount of anxiety that just puts me over the edge. Not helped by the NEW nurse (where was my Judy!?!?!), who asked me what I was doing for Christmas. "Going to Mexico."

"Oh, how cool, I am so jealous blah de blah." She should have asked me BEFORE taking my BP and pulse. Really, are you really jealous of my two dead babies? My chronic pain? Unexplained dizziness and blood results? Really? Because these are the things that I am attempting to escape, the reasons I am going to Mexico and not staying at home with Serenity, celebrating under a Christmas tree. Really? Cue string of curse words in my head.

So anyway, the whole point of this post (see that one sentence, way up at the top?) is to say that this will probably be the last one before I leave the soil of the good ol' US of A. Well, maybe I can't say 'good' until 01/29/09. Anyway.

I have pre-programmed some posts, so that no one misses me too much (snark snark). Don't feel obligated to spend time on them, because I know you will all be overwhelmed with the craziness that we call 'the holiday season'. Add to that the caraziness of 'deadbabyland'. The posts are purely for you guys, my gifts for the 15 days of vacation. Although, you aren't actually getting that many presents.

Hasta luego

This time last year 3

Yes, we are quirky like that.

Firefox address bar

I start typing in 'www'. Guess what the first page to pop up is and autofill the address bar? Ya know, the site that you visit most?

Google reader.

Yep. That is apparently where I spend my time. On my 'work' computer. With you gals.

And you would think that by now I could spell greif. Nope, have to rely on spellchecker most every time. Grief.

The nurse in the family

My mom is a nurse. Has been for 40 years. For the last 16 or 20, she has specialized in home health care, and for the last 15 her clients have all been children born with some malfunction - on trachs (hole in the throat for an air machine) or tubal feedings. Ya know, good stuff.

Her cases change often, as the kids get better (or as her clients die). She works nights - it suits her insomnia. It's a pretty slow pace, considering she only has one patient and they are asleep, although she does need to turn them, check their machines and levels, etc.

She is getting ready to change cases. She usually tells me about these kids that spend months in the hospital. Lately, I just don't want to hear it.

"Yeah, this little girl is lucky, she almost died. Now she needs all this care" yadda yadda. She tells me this the same as she always has, never thinking about how my situtation has changed.

Today, she is telling me how she is between cases, set to start a new one next week, and how she doesn't have any money since she didn't work last week (Oh WAH!) I tell her maybe she can pick up extra hours if she works on a holiday, with double pay.

"Well, I don't want to work New Year's, but I'll work Christmas, it's not like I have any grandkid to spend Christmas with. Oh, did I tell you about your cousins that came to visit..."

That quick little change in topic is her realizing that she is a total ass.

And she wonders why we don't get along...

mexico, Mexico, MEXICO!

Dedicated to all my dbm friends

"keep on moving it on"

At times, it subsides

Instead of always dumping only the rotten here, I thought I 'd write about the even days. Today, yesterday, most of the last several days, have been even days. Not too sad, not too discontent. Missing little things like always, but it's not interrupting the day-to-day functions.

I have been having problems with my feet (usually one foot at a time) and today went for a follow-up with my podiatrist (who happens to be a friend of mine, well, actually she's my podiatrist because she is a friend of mine, otherwise I would have found a podiatrist closer than 30 min away- anyway).

So this hyper flexi-mobility issue is rather all-encompassing. My feet hurt because the joints (specifically the cuboid) all move around too much. Now I have all kinds of stuff shoved in my shoes to support my feet. But my feet feel much happier. To that end, I tested them out with a long walk around the park with the mutt.

As I was walking around the park, I wondered what the heck all the other people were doing at the park in the middle of the day, without kids. I used to always wonder this about people before I worked at home. Well, 'worked', because obviously today I was driving to another county to see the podiatrist and walking my dog for another hour. Anyway, maybe some of them work at restaurants. Now, maybe some of them have lost their jobs.

Then there is me. Walking the dog. Missing the stroller. Well, the baby that should be in the stroller.

Anyway, I have always had this hyper flexi-mobility shit. So, yes, sometimes when I ran track, or after turning an ankle, a foot would hurt. Why are they hurting so much now that I can't even take walks? I think this constant additional pain may be due to the weight I have gained. Sigh. I need to exercise more. Well, exercising should be easier if the feet are under control and the back continues to do better. I guess with these flexible joints I need to build the muscle. I just don't care for going to the gym. Guess I should come January. I need to lose some weight before embarking on another round of reproductive adventures.

See, this is better moods, right? You can tell when my mood is even beacuse I am more sarchastic and rather tangential.