I was just looking at my most recent FaceBook profile pic.
I look happy.
It's a good look on me.
***
Inside is still a turmoil, at least at one point each day. The grief from missing Serenity, the grief from my hospitalization.
Regrets.
Today, I tried to think of something from over the course of my life that I do NOT regret. Something that I can think that I did right.
I can honestly say I do not regret never having tried drugs. I don't know exactly why I never did. I used to say that I was the one kid that the 'eggs in the frying pan' commercial worked on.
And after seeing how I reacted to the narcotics during Serenity's delivery and the steroids prior to Bea's induction, I'd say its a good thing I never tried drugs. It seems my system is so finely balanced, or perhaps precariously balanced on the edge, that I react quite badly to these types of drugs.
So that's one non-regret stacked up against a litany of regrets that plays on a loop in my head.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
If
2 1/2 Years.
Woulda. Coulda. Should be.
Bea is my calm after the storm. Much like I am here helping her to drift into sleep, she is there for me.
I can't imagine doing this without her. I don't know how I managed before she came safely into this world - through the grief, through the miscarriage, through the pregnancy.
My admiration to all of you still struggling to get your next baby.
It's not easy having a baby after such a devastating death. But it sure beats not having one when you want one.
I wanted to acknowledge you, my persevering sisters. I appreciate that you are still reading me. I am thankful that you can celebrate in my joy, but it must still bring pangs to your heart.
The look of utter peace on Bea's face while she sleeps, her chest rising and lowering, brings a little peace to my heart, mitigates my tears.
Woulda. Coulda. Should be.
Bea is my calm after the storm. Much like I am here helping her to drift into sleep, she is there for me.
I can't imagine doing this without her. I don't know how I managed before she came safely into this world - through the grief, through the miscarriage, through the pregnancy.
My admiration to all of you still struggling to get your next baby.
It's not easy having a baby after such a devastating death. But it sure beats not having one when you want one.
I wanted to acknowledge you, my persevering sisters. I appreciate that you are still reading me. I am thankful that you can celebrate in my joy, but it must still bring pangs to your heart.
The look of utter peace on Bea's face while she sleeps, her chest rising and lowering, brings a little peace to my heart, mitigates my tears.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Positive vs Negative
A few other dbm bloggers have been listing their positives each week or setting goals and updating their progress. I struggle to think of positive things in my life. Maybe I am hard-wired for the negative.
When I look back over my life, it is the negative things that I remember, that I feel have shaped who I am and the direction that my life took. It's the regrets that are burned into my memory more vividly, perhaps because I have replayed them so many times.
I don't want to teach Beanie to be so negative. I don't want her to be a cynic.
Now, sitting here today, playing with Beanie daily, I find it hard to be lighthearted. This is a trend that has developed over the last five or six years. This trend was only reinforced by two years of grief.
My laughs are sarcastic, sardonic, and mirthless, not hearty and robust or genuine.
I think I will try to re-train myself. I will focus on the positive. I will follow the good examples of Barb and Anna and Mrs. Spit, listing the positives and working toward goals.
It seems to me that the positive things are always so small, the minutia of daily life, while the negative things are the big deals. (A nice sunset vs, say, a dead baby) Do you think this is true or just my wiring?
When I look back over my life, it is the negative things that I remember, that I feel have shaped who I am and the direction that my life took. It's the regrets that are burned into my memory more vividly, perhaps because I have replayed them so many times.
I don't want to teach Beanie to be so negative. I don't want her to be a cynic.
Now, sitting here today, playing with Beanie daily, I find it hard to be lighthearted. This is a trend that has developed over the last five or six years. This trend was only reinforced by two years of grief.
My laughs are sarcastic, sardonic, and mirthless, not hearty and robust or genuine.
I think I will try to re-train myself. I will focus on the positive. I will follow the good examples of Barb and Anna and Mrs. Spit, listing the positives and working toward goals.
It seems to me that the positive things are always so small, the minutia of daily life, while the negative things are the big deals. (A nice sunset vs, say, a dead baby) Do you think this is true or just my wiring?
Monday, August 2, 2010
Stats
Baby:
4 mos
25 inches
15 lb 2 oz
75th percentile for length and weight
Mama:
um, lots of months
5'7"
153 lbs today, after lunch! This is four pounds less than I started Serenity's pregnancy. I haven't weighed this for probably four years. It's feeling pretty good losing this weight. I am losing at least a pound a week.
Bea and I went to the Y today. I had to leave her at the tot watch. It was hard. Hard. I never thought (at least before Serenity) that I would be *that* overprotective mother. But here I am, finding it difficult to leave her upstairs with a bunch of strangers while I am in the pool.
But when I went up after my swim, there she was, sitting in a lady's lap, looking intently at the other kids. This social time is good for her.
Tomorrow we will go to the tots open gym. She might do some tummy time, a lot of baby watching and mama hopefully will get to social with other new moms. I really am hoping to find other SAHMs in the neighborhood, which just hasn't happened on our walks around the park.
Letting go...
4 mos
25 inches
15 lb 2 oz
75th percentile for length and weight
Mama:
um, lots of months
5'7"
153 lbs today, after lunch! This is four pounds less than I started Serenity's pregnancy. I haven't weighed this for probably four years. It's feeling pretty good losing this weight. I am losing at least a pound a week.
Bea and I went to the Y today. I had to leave her at the tot watch. It was hard. Hard. I never thought (at least before Serenity) that I would be *that* overprotective mother. But here I am, finding it difficult to leave her upstairs with a bunch of strangers while I am in the pool.
But when I went up after my swim, there she was, sitting in a lady's lap, looking intently at the other kids. This social time is good for her.
Tomorrow we will go to the tots open gym. She might do some tummy time, a lot of baby watching and mama hopefully will get to social with other new moms. I really am hoping to find other SAHMs in the neighborhood, which just hasn't happened on our walks around the park.
Letting go...
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