New Year's Eve 2010

Or is it 2011? It's still an evening in 2010, so....


I've never been one for New Year's Resolutions. I have desires towards self-improvement throughout the year. Do I ever make any progress? I don't know. I do have some projects to start in January, some goals for the next few months, some big unknowns upon the horizon.

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I'd like to post more here.

~Some of it is writer's block, some of it is legistics with the kiddo and computer time. I could spend more time on the computer, but I think I should play with her, although now she likes to crawl around by herself and get into trouble.  Sometimes I feel like I don't have many commenters anymore, although I am not really sure that the number of comments is lower than it usually was. I feel like I used to get 10-12 comments on most posts, now more like 6. So, if you'd like to see more posts - leave more comments! I know that we have all gone through many changes since I started writing and you started reading this blog. I know I don't get to stay caught up as much as I'd like to in reading other blogs. I do *think* of many blog posts.

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I am working on Beanie's scrapbook. With my sister here I have gotten three pages done so far, hopefully another tonite after dinner. I hope to use the scrapping momentum to work on Serenity's album, which is much harder to do. But I feel like I am regaining my scrapbook groove a bit.

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I am contemplating doing a daily line, inspired by this page: http://www.herfiveyeardiary.com/ This might help with the lack of blogging too - I can easily jot down a line in a paper book - right?? Right???  Then I can conglomerate lines into a post, right?

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January has two main projects:
1- get back on the healthy living - moderate the diet and get Beanie reacclimated to going to the tot watch at the Y so I can exercise. By March I'd like to be down another 10-15 pounds (and that is the end goal!).
2- get back to work after a holiday break - I already have one job sitting in my queue!

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We are going to be *those* parents and plan a big bash for Beanie's 1st birthday. It will probably double as a going away party:

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This year - big unknowns:

Triple S getting a job, somewhere, sometime this summer, which will lead to a relocation sometime, somewhere. Hopefully with a paid moving package hat includes packing!

Other than that, I want to have a nice 2001. Just nice. It's going to be stressful, with the cross country move and accompanying uprooting. So it won't be peaceful in many ways, but I hope that it is emotionally peaceful.

And I hope that you all have good years too.

This is a post about nothing

Christmas was... uneventful, calm, plucky. Happy but not deliriously so. We have my sister here to distract us.  Bea is so full of life, her light pushes the darkness to the far corners.

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Neither set of grandparents sent her any presents.

I really don't know what universe they live in. I am not complaining. I am not even wasting the mental energy to be confused.
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It's midnight. I have read the blogs. It's quiet, except for the dog's and the husband's snores. I can hear them both here in the living room.

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I am beginning to wonder about trying for another one. I am not really sure that I want to. After Bea first came home, I was like "this is great! I hope I get pregnant again asap!"  Now I am more like "Life is good. Do I really want to try to change that?"

It's like when Bea is happily playing on the floor, or with one certain toy, and I try to make her *more* happy by picking her up, or giving her more toys, and she starts crying. Someone told me this "Never try to make a happy baby happier" and it is so true. Just leave 'well enough' alone.

That's where I am kinda at about this whole sibling thing.

Although it is nice having a sister.  A living sister.

Five Days til Christmas

and we wanted to wish you and yours a peaceful and wonderful holiday!

The Second Day of Christmas

I skipped my blog post.

Anyway, I have some other holiday things I want to post. I'll get to it eventually. I have until New Year's right?

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Bea's got one of her top teeth. It's more than just poking out, so I guess I missed it big debut. I can't really see it past her full upper lip (which is so cute and darling, by the way).

I called to tell my mother that Beanie got another tooth. That's about all I got to say. "Oh, really, that's nice. Well, I blah blah blah."

Then, "We got all the photos you sent, with us and the baby. What did you want us to do with all of them?"

"Um, their yours to put up in frames?" I said.

"All of them, what will I do with *all* of them?"

"You can give one to Gram and Grandpa if you want," I suggested.

"Well, you sent them the one, right?" Mom said. "The one that you signed with... the other, what did it say, remembrance... oh the other baby. You know what I mean."

I am thinking, in slow-mo, you can't be serious, she has forgotten my daughter's name. "Yes, I sent her the holiday card."

"Serenity! That's it! Well, I went shopping today, blah blah blah," she countered, changing the subject, lest one gets emotional or talks about something important.

Really, am I just expecting too much of her? Possibly. Should I be surprised, after 35 years of crap from her. Of neglect, lack of interest, lack of effort.

I try to give her the benefit of the doubt, that she did the best she could, with her resources, her skills. Mothering and navigating this society doesn't come naturally.

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I told Triple S about it later that night. I prefaced with "I really shouldn't tell you this" which h knows always leads to yet another let-down from my parents.

He was miffed.

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As I believe I have said before, we will be leaving this town, this state, sometime in 2011. 

Triple S tried to apply to many jobs closer to my family, even one within the hick region where I grew up.

Sometimes, ok maybe most times, it just doesn't seem worth it.

Why move to freakin' cold weather, to where people stare at my husband because he is not as white as wonder bread, where I couldn't find a liberal conclave, just to be near them? I don't think my mom would help with the kid(s). I still would probably have to take her to my haircuts and dentist appointments.

No wonder I sometimes feel unsupported.

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And I woke up this morning with the song "Blue Christmas" on my brain.

The First Day of Christmas

I made an ornament for Serenity.

It's not much, but I made it. It matches the one I sent for the Ornament Exchange.

I used blue, white and silver paper and silver stickers. On the back of the tag it says 2010.

I don't know why I chose blue. I've never been much for the green and red. But, really, I think it is because the ornament looks like tears. 

Holiday Ornament Swap

We received our ornaments today from Jenni and her family!

Lovely! We can't wait to get the tree up and hang our ornaments. I'll try to get pics up at that time.

Thank you so much Jenni.

And thanks for organizing the swap too!

iPOD I

Every time we put Bea to sleep, we turn on a lullaby CD. I often think of her sister as I push play, as I bought this CD,-alarm clock-nature sound machine for Serenity. It even has a connection for the first iPOD shuffle. I don't think the new iPODs will connect.

My daughter is left back there, in the time of the first iPOD shuffle.

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I finally turned on the radio channel that plays Christmas music all day.

Has my spirit finally gotten the holiday season memo?

I've gone crazy with getting ornaments for the girls. One set arrived yesterday, and my ornament swap ones are in the mail. I can't wait. I also bought a remembrance one and a baby first christmas one from Hallm@rk.  We will put our tree up in two weeks.

This year I decided to do a photo card. (Yes, we've become those people).  But, some folks might like to see what Triple S and I look like these days too. And I've always liked getting ones from others... Do you guys want me to post it, so you can see it?

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In case you are looking for a lullaby CD, this is the one we have. I don't know if it works for Beanie, but it puts me to sleep:

Chinese Lullabies by Beijing Angelic Choir (I bought it on Am@zon). This video has lyrics in the comments:



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I went to the dentist today to get yet another cavity filled (I am cursed with bad teeth - I hope Bea gets her dad's teeth). Bea cried the whole time that the receptionist held her.

Attached much? I know she'll outgrow this phase, but it's a tough one. And I know it will be worth it, this little blip of demand, in the connection between mother and daughter. I want her to know that her mama is here for her, that I'll listen to tween pains and teen angst. She won't remember that when she was 8 months old, her mama was with her 24 hours a day. But I hope that she'll come to me with her troubles. That she'll know she can rely on me.

And she is quite adventurous at home. She scoots around everywhere, looking back periodically at me. With a winning smile. That melts my heart.

UGH

I lost my wallet yesterday. Before Triple S left for work, I looked through the car, to no avail.  So I spent my morning calling where I lost it, figuring out what I needed to take to motor vehicles, getting my cell phone info together, checking my credit cards. I got Bea all bundled up for our 20 degree weather and into the car. Only to find my wallet. In the car.

Since we were already out of the house, I figured we should go somewhere, so we went to a small local grocery store. But Bea fell asleep (something she refused to do just a short 30 min prior, in her bed, warm and snuggly) so we sat in the car for half an hour. If I had brought my laptop I could have worked!

This recent thing of napping in the car is not good for my miles-per-gallon. I always thought it was fortunate that the places I like to go are close to where we live, but now I need some long distance errands! OR everything *everything* needs to be drive-thru.

And now here I am procrastinating from editing a manuscript that has lots of English words in it, but that doesn't read at all like English. I think this one will be billed at top rate!

ah Sunday

Feeling better after the weekend.

Choralors at work helped perk me up - nice singing.

We went back to the Garden today to see them again!

But miss Bea seems to think naps are optional, well sleep in general is. I am blaming teeth. But it takes a lot of work to get her to sleep!

And I will miss some of the volunteers I work with quite a bit. The one guy has so many interesting stories from his life. But, soon I iwll be able to just go visit them - instead of working a full day!

Bea really likes the singing (She is probably thinking- oh, that is what the song is *supposed* to sound like - not how mama sings it!). I have to find some palces around here that have music during the day. Come January we will probably do a music program...

And we are so going to the gym this week. If she wants to work out by crying, well, that's her perogative. I need to go. At 10 the Y has a gym set up for the kids (after the gymanstic classes) so we will go to that.

Thanks for listening to me be worn out

Most wonderful time of the year...

It doesn't really feel it.

I think I am almost recovered from my parents' visit. Mostly I am disappointed in them. I don't know why I expected more, I was raised by them after all. I guess I was just hoping for something like grandparental instincts.

I am blue. My grief is here with me, but not manifesting in tears. In some ways, that all-consuming grief was easier. This is just below the surface. Not reaching a critical load and exploding.  I think I am feeling it with the holidays and my birthday.

I did all my holiday shopping online this year. I didn't eel up to going to the malls (Where I can never find the weird stuff I am looking for anyway). But maybe I have missed out on some cheer. Let me think about that, no probably not after all (I really hate the mall).

Bea is in full-blown separation anxiety. I've had to stop going to the gym. I think this is the biggest bummer; now it is too cold to go for walks. I guess I could go, but I just don't feel like. Something about dark and cloudy with a blistery 35 degrees is not appealing. And now her nap schedule is all off, so I don't know if we can even go to the open playtime they have at the Y. I must try nest week before I go insane with cabin fever.

I think this week Bea had both a growth spurt and a 'wonder week'. This makes one exhausted mama. I have been up to my ears in editing and have to work tomorrow at the garden.

I am quitting the botanical garden job. I ave been sick three times this fall and feel I am just run down. Plus it is getting too cold for Bea and Baba to run around the garden for most of the day, with pit stops at my building for Bea to eat. It had been wonderful doing that, still getting to nurse Bea in the office, but the time has come for it to end. I knew it would, as we will be relocating next year and I was planning to quit in late winter, before I was expected to return to work again on Thursdays.

But I am also sad to be leaving my job. In general I like it, I like saying that I work at this world class place. It is my major adult interaction of the week. But, my editing business is also too busy, and I need the Saturdays during which Baba will be home to watch Beanie and I can put a few uninterrupted hours in. So, I think I am stressed about leaving this job in some ways, but I think once I am done with it, it will be a relief.

The impending relocation is also weighing heavily on me. It's almost like these next 7 months are kind of a freeze. Not much point making new mama friends, since I won't be here for the long haul. I don't know, it's like I've almost half checked out. The uncertainty of the whole situation (will Triple S get a job? Where? When? Can we sell our house? Can we buy a house? Will we like where we move?) has a host of anxieties.

I hate winter. I've tried to like it. I just don't. I am glad it came late this year, but it has kind of hit me unawares.

Bea is so cute and precious to me. She keeps me afloat. Her smile. Her snoarty laugh. The way she plays peekaboo behind a piece of cloth. How photogenic she is.

She is also a bit impatient and demanding. But then she smiles... Oh, and she has really good posture (of which I am completely jealous!).

It's just that by Friday I am worn out.