It's a new week!

And I am ready for it!

This weekend I sold some old broken necklaces at the 'we buy gold!' place. I guess it was a pawn shop? The necklaces have been accumulated over the last decade or so, as I always thought I would go get them fixed. Bah. Just sell them for scrap. We also sold some of Triple S' old earrings. I also took more clothes for consignment. Slowly but surely cleaning house! My goal is to keep this up and get rid of something every week. I have to start finding something for this week...

I have also been sorting through Beanie's clothes as she (rapidly) outgrows them. I kept gender-neutral things and got rid of stuff I didn't like. I did keep some girl things that I really thought were cute. Clothes we didn't want went to two of Triple S' coworkers. I also have lots of baby gear to get rid of - some of it we never even used! Some we tried, but either I didn't like or Beanie didn't like.

I read on one of the minimalist's blogs, or perhaps on the FlyLady, that the money is gone when you bought the junk. So don't think that you are throwing it away now! I just try to remember that.

Triple S and I sorted ourselves out. I am not really a jump-up-and-down happy kinda person anyway. I am happy for him that his career looks like it is going well. I explained to him that I am happy and proud and feel like it is going well. But, this move is hard on me and us. It's a lot of work! The thing I am REALLY happy about - the generous moving package they offered - someone else can pack up all of our crap! (which should be less than it is right now, but it's still gonna be a lot).

***

I heard a story on NPR the other day about a look back at the Feminine Mystique.  The guest mentioned how in the 60's the mom's were criticized about how they took care of their kids and husbands and also had limited job opportunities! That must have sucked! I just think, how did our country go so wrong back in the 50's 60's. Getting kids on schedules, pushing formula (I think formula is a great option if something is not working, but shouldn't be the first choice), and all the other crazy things I've heard about. Those kids somehow managed to survive, but it has trickle down effects into society, no? How a mother treats her child and is herself treated by the father affects a kid's personality and development and their expectations.

From what I have learned, there are two ways to handle life. You can let negative things become internalized, and spit those negative things back out, at your wife or kids or at those around you. Or, you can try to do things differently. So, if you came from an abusive house, you could become an abuser or you can try to escape the cycle and make a conscious effort to avoid doing what was done unto you. This goes for basically anything - you can be reactionary or actionary.  Like the movie "Precious" (which we just got around to seeing earlier this month).

I try to be an 'attachment' parent. But then my upbringing casts doubts, and I worry that I might be coddling Bea or letting her get away with too much. She is starting to get to the age where she should learn that some things are permissible and some aren't. (And I have been consistently pointing such things out since forever, but she is at the age now where she *should* be understanding and responding!!!)

I am not ready to say that she is at the age that she can be disciplined, because I haven't figured out what that means to me yet. I don't have a really good example of discipline from my life that speaks to me. Actually, what I am doing is my definition of discipline, it's just the way that is more work for the mama. Right now I am just doing a lot of picking her up from the dog's water bowl, setting her on the other side of the kitchen, watching her as she crawls back over there and picking her up again. Repeat about 10 times while I am cooking dinner. And doing this for 20 other crazy things. I can be patient!

I know what I don't want to do.

 I could spank her, or grab her violently, or yell at her like a banshee. I am sure she would 'get' it more quickly. But I am not going to do that. My parents would probably think I was crazy for doing what I am doing. Well, my mom would have just plopped me in the playpen. I prefer letting Bea explore.

We just watched the documentary "Babies" this weekend. It made me feel exhausted - more than a year for four kids in about an hour! But, I don't feel like I am too neglectful after seeing the mongolian mom leave her kid in the hut while she tended the animals - even tying the kid to the bed! And I think I can let Bea get dirtier after seeing the African kids sitting in the dirt sans pants.

Sorry, dear readers, I know these blog posts are rambling and not well written. But, it's a download! I think about many things, as I know you all do too. Rarely are those thoughts complete! And writing something here doesn't ever mean that I've made up my mind or know what I am doing or what I am talking about. It's about the process, right?

I'd love to know some of your thoughts on the topics I've touched here (the more half-baked the better!)

SAHM

By Friday, my emotional tank is empty.

Triple S got a job offer.

He told me when he came home. After three or four hours of holding a fussy baby.

Now he is po'd at me because I didn't react 'happy enough'.

Sorry dude, you didn't come home early enough. I used up all my energy not screaming in frustration at your daughter.

So now I am getting the silent treatment.

Leavetakings and GFCF Ozark Apple Pudding

At six o'clock this morning, I used up some apples that were past their prime for eating fresh in a modified version of the 'Ozark Apple Pudding' from the 'Farm Journal's Great Home Cooking in America' Cookbook. Gluten-Free, Grain-Free, Dairy-Free recipe to follow.

Triple S woke up at 4 this morning to don his suit and head to the airport. His flight was at 6. Off for his first job interview.  I got up to see him off. Actually, I wanted to check him out in his new suit. I'd hire him. Hopefully this hospital is a good fit. He should call sometime this evening.

I went back to bed after I watched his car pull away. But, Bea woke up at 5:30. Usually we let her crawl around the bed, the bedroom, she crawls back into bed for some milk. It's miserable. We don't sleep well, but we don't want to get out of bed. Today I just bite the bullet.

And was thus baking before breakfast time.

Bea and I went to the library's 'Baby Bookworms' at 10. It was fun to sing songs and see the other kids. The moms are all nice and want the kids to play together. Most of the times when I go to the Y the moms are just into their own things. Puzzles me.

I completed the second step in the purge of the house today. I got rid of my record collection!  :(  Oh, sorry, I mean :).  I got $5. For 16 albums of the 60s and 70s, like John Denver, Seals and Crofts, Janis Joplin, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and some classical music. Even if I had bought all the records at $1 (most of them I did), I had more money in them that five bucks! Anyway, I need to simply. Simplify. Next to go is the half-broken record player.

And, no, with that list I am not dating myself! I was just born (again?) in the wrong decade. Maybe I died early in my previous life and liked all the music. Or maybe it's just because we grew up listening to Jim Croce and John Denver...

So, here's my recipe. If I make this again, I would probably leave out the sugar and use an extra piece of fruit that went through the food processor. I had been planning to mix in some spice, but forgot (It was 6 am!) so I sprinkled cinnamon-sugar on top.

GFCF Ozark Apple Pudding

1 c sugar
3 small eggs
1.5 tsp vanilla
1/3 c almond meal
1 T baking powder
1/8 tsp salt
3 c chopped apples
1 processed apple
1/2 c chopped black walnuts
1/2 c processed walnuts

Beat sugar, eggs, and vanilla. Stir in almond meal, baking powder, salt, apples and nuts. Spread into greased 9 x 9 pan.  Sprinkle cinnamon-sugar mix on top.
Bake at 350 F for 30 min.


Should I admit that the whole thing will be finished in about an hour? Whoops, I just did!  I wouldn't feel a shred of guilt eating it all if it didn't have the sugar in it. It was yummy. Reminded me of bread pudding, which I haven't eaten in about 15 years :(

The Dursley's, feminism, and post-consumer bloat

We've taken Beanie to JC Penney's for portraits at 6 and 9 months. We order an 8 x 10 from each session. A few weeks ago I put the last one in a frame, and it is sitting on the very top of our entertainment center.

And I feel like the Dursley's. A big, zoomed-in portrait of our precious child, beaming out and placed front-and-center like the most important and only child ever to grace this planet.

I feel like I am bragging and flaunting. I fear bringing the evil eye to our home.

She's been in bed since about 6:30, not even five hours. I find myself looking up at the picture, and being warmed inside.

Triple S was sick today, so he is also in bed. I can hear him snoring, alternating with the dog here in the living room.

I cherish this quiet time in the house. It's dark and quiet outside; I feel enclosed in the comfort of my own home. There's no TV, no radio. Just the sounds of my loved ones breathing. I can even see the rise and fall of the cat's torso as he lays curled up on the radiator.

And I have space. Space to think, to feel, to ponder. To hope, dream and worry. If I go to bed, I'd fall asleep, without exploring my inner world.

My life has changed over the last few years. Almost to a point that is incomprehensible and unrecognizable. A paradigm shift. Everything that I spend my time on now is different than in 2007, when I was pregnant.

My SIL and I briefly spoke of feminism recently. I believe that in some ways, the opening of the workplace to women has put a tremendous burden upon us.

Oh, I hear squeaks coming from the bedroom. I'll have to finish these thoughts later!

Later:

Now it is bright and snowing. I am still safely ensconced in my house!

Any way, bra burning and women in the workplace.

Now, to be a successful woman and a successful mom, the expectation is out there that you can have a job, raise your kids, have a sparkling clean house, cook for the bake sale. Do it all.

But, if you want a high pressure career, like being an academic scientist, you probably don't want to have kids. I think back to the women 'role models' when I was in grad school.  I can easily recall 4 or 5 women professors, and I think one of them had kids. My own PI, a male, sent his kids back to China to be with their grandparents for a year. Sure, I think it's great to spend time with grandparents and I understand the Chinese tradition of the kids being raised by the older generation, but I know a certain someone who was glad to have the kids off his hands so he could work from 8 to 11. And I don't mean 11 am.

So, if you want to be a PI, you have to compete against the people who are willing to 1) not have a family or 2) ship the family off and out of the way.

That was a bit of a digression. Anyway.

So, one thing about women's liberation. I think it has put tremendous pressure on women to do all and be all. And this pressure comes from other women, from thinking that we are keeping up with the Joneses, from ourselves even perhaps.

Since Serenity died, I've learned to be brave and to define my happiness my own way. It was hard to quit my PhD at the time I was quitting. I wasn't happy and I didn't know anyone who was happy with a PhD either. But I didn't like the 'quitting' part. It would have been easier to just stay the course. Not to have to admit that I was wrong in deciding to pursue a PhD.

And now I look back, and wonder if I should have even gone on and got the Master's. Maybe if I had stepped back a step further, I would have gone back to more of what I learned for my bachelor's. Gone back to farming, because that is one thing I think I might want to do with my future once Beanie starts school. Of course, having the MS and having worked at the bench for all those years allows me to do the freelance work that I now do, at a decent wage, at home, around Bea's (and my blogging) schedule.

Returning to feminism, I think there are still issues to work out. Reports tell us that women continue to make less than their male counterparts. We have a laughable maternity leave policy in the US. Breastfeeding is still ostracized and under-supported. Pregnancy is all about glowing and not about real medical issues and treating pregnant women like they have a brain and can handle hearing about the risks to themselves and their babies. I don't know what academic feminists work on, maybe things more esoteric, but these are some of the issues I see down here in the trenches of modern life and motherhood.

I do have to say that I feel like a radical feminist. I am educated, yet I have chosen to stay home with my baby. That's not an easy choice to make, to give up the career identity.  (I am glad to have the choice, and that's thanks to women's lib; and everyone else can choose to do whatever they want*) I was thinking about staying at home when pregnant with Serenity. I think I might have taken the plunge once she was born. One of the reasons I never wanted to have kids when I was younger was that I never wanted to rush through work and off to daycare.  It's too much like trying to do two things at once for me. And I don't think it would sit well with me having my baby in daycare. I have a friend who has been through four daycare situations in 8 months. I think she is a perfect candidate for staying home, but she is in the middle of getting a degree. But sometimes you can't do it all to your satisfaction. If you were less picky about your science or less picky about how often your kid's diaper gets changed* or lived closer to where you worked, you could do it. But you can't have it all at perfection. Something has to give.

Wouldn't it be great if we lived in a society in which every woman got six years to be pregnant and get the kid to kindergarten and could then re-enter the workforce right where she left off? Or maybe you wouldn't like that? And that's one problem with having A movement. Not everyone agrees on what they want.

Some of the other SAHMs that I meet are punky radicalists too. They're into healthy eating and living and nursing their toddlers and tandem nursing their kids. This is not mainstream folks. Sure, green is a buzz word on many lips, but I don't think everyone really gets it. And it takes time. If you are working full time, you don't have the time to educate yourself. There is so much greenwashing out there. Some of the choices that have gone mainstream are better than what was available just two years ago, but they are kinda half-way.

I would be perfectly happy if Beanie had no plastic toys and no stuffed animals with plastic stuffing (colloquially known as polyester). But family members continue to derail my efforts. I spend hours (HOURS) researching toys and picking out a very few, value-added, educational, non-petrol, non-toxic, non-slave-shop-made toys.  Only to have the house filled up with stuff I am not really into.  I have an Amazon list people.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, Janis at Ferdinand's Gifts posts about simplifying her life. With this move we have coming up, I think it is an opportunity for us to do the same. I come from a family of packrats, holding onto things for sentimental or 'investment' purposes. From what I have read so far, this is very much not 'minimalist'.

So, this morning, I went to the basement, pulled out my record collection, looked through each sleeve one last time, and bagged them up to take to the record exchange. My record player has been on the fritz for a few years, and I haven't sat in the basement room (it's dark and lonely down there) to listen to records probably since 2006 or 2007. As I was looking at the records, Triple S said, "Those are something you used to truly enjoy. I don't think you should get rid of them. I'll buy you a new turntable when we move." I persevered. I can always buy these songs on ITunes, right? It'll be the same, right? And this way I can finally enter the 21st century and get an IPod!

I am also getting rid of clothes (I have a wardrobe that consists of sizes 6-12). I am getting rid of everything bigger than what fits me RIGHT now, because I never want to where those clothes again. I still want to loose 10-15 more pounds this spring, although I am not getting anywhere on that right now. When we move, I want all my clothes to fit in two plastic tubs (one if we move somewhere without a real winter). Can I do it? Does posting it on my blog make me accountable?

I am also thinking about books. But I don't think I am there yet. Maybe if I plan on getting a Kindle.....

I also plan to unload some furniture and some of the things I got from my Grandmother's house. For instance, she had this rocking chair, I don't know if it was someone's before her or not, but it is an uncomfortable SOB. She never sat in it. I never sit in it. It was in Bea's nursery for about a day, and I just couldn't take it. Then why the heck do I have it? I seem to be able to remember my grandmother without the chair, so I think I'll be just fine if I donate it.

These are some of my personal missions, some of the ideas that I have. Not an essay, maybe not coherent, but definitely stream of conscious.

What do you think about feminism and reproduction? Do you feel like more or less of a feminist with infertility? Infant loss? Or do you think the 'go for a career and delay childbearing' screwed you over?

And, are you an unapologetic consumer? Or a careful steward of both your wallet and your health?

***
*yes, we still have an entertainment center, since we don't yet have a flat screen, HD, LCD TV. Our 12-year-old tiny little TV works just fine.

*If you feel like you really do have a choice. I think that may be part of the point I am trying to make. We don't have perfect choices

*she's using cloth diapers with the cotton right against the skin (no liner) and yep, you really have to change those diapers as soon as the kid wees. 

Freaky Friday

Today I met a mama for a playdate. We had both joined a meetup group at about the same time, and I saw by her profile that her son was about the same age as Beanie. Her profile seemed cool enough, so I contacted her directly to see if she would like to meetup.  Today we met at this old mall that has only a few stores and art space. It's a good place for walkers. It's a bit weird to be in a mostly empty mall. Freaky you might say.

As we were taking the kids' coats off, we find out that her son and Beanie were born on the same day. He was late, and we kicked Beanie out early. But, the same day. Freaky.

As we walked and talked, I found out that she lost her twin boys at 20 weeks due to twin-to-twin transfusion.  What a chance meeting. And sometimes loss is... everywhere.

We talked easily and comfortably. This is the first time I have connected with a person IRL for some time. I am not sure we left anything to talk about at our meetup next week. Nothing was uncomfortable or forced.

We FaceBook friended each other to more easily plan playdates. On her profile: her birthday is the same day as mine. Super Freaky.

Her son and Bea were really cute together. He's already walking. Poor little Bea. Those three gestational weeks..... well, I know that's not really true and that kids develop at their own pace blah blah blah.

I just hope she doesn't turn out to be a psychopath! No, I'm sure she's fine....

Triple S asked me when her husband's birthday was....

I am humbled

I am humbled when I learn that a new-to-our-ranks mama is reading my blog. To have a new reader recognize my blog with an award, wow. I have received a blogger award from Jessica at Two Pieces of my Heart. She just lost her twin boys, William and Ethan. I have started reading her blog, and I am so sad to know her here. She's a school teacher and is back to work already - I am amazed at her strength - please go give her some love!

So here's how this award works.

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Make sure you contact these bloggers to let them know about the award.

Seven Things About Me

Hm.  I'll just do this on the fly...

1. Growing up, I never wanted to have kids. When I met Triple S, I decided I could try for one. Now I have have been pregnant three times and have two girls. Another? Well, that's a whole series of blog posts...
2. I am a bit of a procrastinator. That's why it has taken me so long to post this! And it will probably take me even longer to name 15 blogs.
3. Hm, it's so hard to think about things about myself from "before." It seems like a different person. What a disconnect from my self. (That's something about myself in there)
4. I am a total food addict.
5. I've never tried drugs. Probably because of #4. If food is that addicting...
6. I really love tawny port. Yummmm. Unfortunately, I am out right now.
7. I hate the TV. I wish Triple S could give it up.
And a bonus: I read my Chinese horoscope the other day, and it said that wood rabbits like me need alone time to work things out. So true. Hence the blogging.

Ok, 15 blogs. Actually, many of the blogs I read during my darkest days have slowed down. Proof, I guess, that life does resume. We'll see how many I get. And consider yourself notified!

Here are blogs that I have recently discovered:

Demeter's Feet - Jenni did such an awesome job organizing the ornament swap!
After Iris is not someone I was reading at 'my' beginning, but her reading of dead baby names caught me.
I found Longing, Living, Loving just within that last few months. Yet another joining us dead baby mamas.

Here are some oldies but goodies. If you aren't reading them already, you sure are missing out:
The Happy Sad Mama
The Road Less Travelled
Still Life with Circles and Angie's wonderfully curated project still life 365
Ferdinand's Gifts that darn Janis has me reading blogs like "The Minimalists." With our impending move, can I do it???
And I want to shout out to CLC, who is busy with her family welcoming her second son after the death of her darling Hannah. I am over-the-top happy for her and her hubs. I am sure she is missing Hannah even more these days.

Looking through my google reader blog roll, it occurs to me that I don't read any 'mom' blogs. Only dead baby mama mom blogs. It's a different kind of parenting.

This blog, Her Five Year Diary, is an awesome idea and has inspired me to keep a five-year diary too. It's a transitional year for us and there are so many little things happening every day with Beanie, so this is an interesting time to start such a project. Thanks, Sara, for the great idea and the snapshot into 1961! And I still miss your blog!

A ridiculous number of blogs in my reader have to do with food. I eat gluten- and dairy-free (12 years and 6 months, respectively) and am trying to reduce my sugar intake. Chocolate doesn't have sugar, right?  I just started reading The Healthy Cooking Coach and the recipes intrigue me. Too bad I am eating salad only this week to recoop from our extended holiday family visits... I am also thinking about reducing grains and making all my sweets 'raw'. Can I do it?

The third category of blogs I read is Copyediting blogs. I won't torment you with any of these!

And I want to take this chance to thank you all, my friends in the internet. I would not have survived without you.

Bea speaks!

Beanie has been saying 'Maman' the last few days. I think it means "Mama's milk," which is what I say when I offer to nurse her. So now I am working on the letter 'k' with her.

I also think she kind of signs 'more' when she is eating, although alot of times she is just furiously pounding her hands up and down on her lap and growling at me! Sometimes I can't feed this girl fast enough!

Changes seem to be coming so fast. I can barely keep up... how she must feel!

We went to the Y today. She was quite happy at the tot watch, and was playing with toys as I slowly slide out of her view. She kept looking at Miss Sonya, one of the attendants. She is the one who used to hold Bea the whole time when she would stay there. Hopefully by month's end I can actually leave and go work out! my muscles are so stiff and ouchy.

We also played in the baby open gym. Bea went through the plastic tunnel - I was quite surprised. She's so small that she can sit up in it.  I see her becoming a toddler instead of a baby. It's fun.

I luv that little girl to pieces. I can barely stand it!

The girl who maybe likes to nap

Maybe it was the screwy holiday schedule, but Beanie seems to be back to easier transitions into sleep. She also got a chiropractic adjustment today, and went to sleep so peacefully! Last time we all three got adjusted, we all slept like logs!

My SIL and cousin-in-law are coming in for five days. We are totally honoring Beanie's nap schedule this time!

In further recuperations from the holidays, I have been eating salad since Friday for lunch and dinner. Not tomorrow though! It's too cold for salad anyway.

Beanie and I went to 'Baby Bookworms' at the public library today. It was fun. Lots of babies around 9 months, which is good. Another playgroup I had found was mostly 18 months- just too big an age difference. And I had been thinking of taking music classes, but at ~$150 for ~12 weeks! This is free and has singing, dancing and reading.

Tomorrow we will go to the toddler gym at the YMCA. She usually likes that. It's close to the house and an easy outing for me.

I've started a 5-year journal, ala the 1960's rendition.
This blog is set up by fellow blogger Sara, whose blog I have missed since she has slowed down (ok, I think she basically stopped, but I am still holding onto hope) her posting!

I like this format, and it is something I had never heard of. It was hard to find a diary in the format. I went with the one from Levenger. It is larger than most in width. I can actually write a great deal more than I thought I would be able to.

I think this is a great year to start a diary over time like this. This is promising to be one of our crazy years, with so much going on - so it will be interesting to look back on each day in 2012 to see what we were doing this year!  I won't promise anything, but I might try to post the weekly summary here on the blog. It might be embarrassing to show you how mundane my life really is!

On nights that I don't have editing to do, I am also working on Beanie's scrapbook. I might start posting my layouts, like my one friend does. I just have to make time for it!

Ok, I am off to edit some treatise on plant tissue culture... I've got two in the queue... ho hum.

The girl who does not like to nap

I have this little 9 month old who doesn't really like to nap. So she is constantly cranky and tired.

I blame the teeth. And the mobility and alertness.

But I am still trying to get her to nap regularly.

She used to nurse down, but now she doesn't fall asleep while nursing. She comes off, then POPS up her head. She just wants to go, go, go.

The room is as dark as possible, it's quiet in the house, there's sleepy lullabies playing, and I am snuggled up with her. She can sometimes fall asleep with patting, or stroking her head. But usually she is not interested in laying down, even though she is yawning and her head is dropping down ever 20 seconds! (She lays it down for a sec to rest, then POPs it up again) It's cute if it weren't so frustrating!

I usually end up having to hold her, with more pressure than I'd really like to, just to keep her from crawling and rolling around.  Then she fusses a bit, but then she can sleep. This is the same way she usually falls asleep in the car, fussing a bit before she can fall asleep. So I am torn as to whether I am making her cry unnecessarily or if she needs to vent some steam to relax.

When my sis was here last week, I told her that I guess that I need to wind Bea down more before trying to go to sleep. And she is like "Wind her down from what, your house is so quiet and you guys play quietly." Which I kind of agree with, it's not like there's two noisy kids here playing together. But I am turning on a quiet 20 min CD before I expect her to be tired and trying to keep it even more mellow (the last two days).

Any mama advice out there????