Amnio set for 3/15.
Induction? 3/17?
Beanie passed her BioPhysical Profile in about 2 min. She was moving around (even though she was in what I call 'sleep', at least for her) and she was 'breathing'. She's also head down.
So, I guess I should stay sane for another week.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
In my belly
There is an MMA fight going on in my belly. And I am the opponent.
Kicking, punching, wrestling. You name it.
And the little bean slept through most of her first NST. We are now on weekly appointments.
And that 37 week deadline is getting really close, like less than 6 weeks. Man, I better get the house around! Just waiting for nursery furniture.
And, I think I am letting go of Serenity's delivery date as a big thing. We did bake a cake, and thought about her more than normal, but really, she is only ever a half-a-thought away. I guess that having the pain spread out more evenly amongst 365 days is an acceptable thing...
Kicking, punching, wrestling. You name it.
And the little bean slept through most of her first NST. We are now on weekly appointments.
And that 37 week deadline is getting really close, like less than 6 weeks. Man, I better get the house around! Just waiting for nursery furniture.
And, I think I am letting go of Serenity's delivery date as a big thing. We did bake a cake, and thought about her more than normal, but really, she is only ever a half-a-thought away. I guess that having the pain spread out more evenly amongst 365 days is an acceptable thing...
Saturday, February 6, 2010
2/6/10
What does one do two years to the date of the delivery of your already dead daughter?
Is it really a day different from any other?
The missing is there every day.
Perhaps today the regret that things didn't go differently is more in the forefront.
So far, we've slept in, I skipped work, and we ate breakfast. I am choosing a cake recipe and we will go to the gym.
Where is the wailing and gnashing of teeth?
I have a feeling that no one is going to really acknowledge this day. My MIL already emailed me today and made no mention, and she was the one that I thought would. Therefore, I guess it is only my mind that holds onto these dates.
There will be (ok, is) crying, and aching, and talking to beanie.
Because I can't even imagine what a two-year-old Serenity would look or act like.
Is it really a day different from any other?
The missing is there every day.
Perhaps today the regret that things didn't go differently is more in the forefront.
So far, we've slept in, I skipped work, and we ate breakfast. I am choosing a cake recipe and we will go to the gym.
Where is the wailing and gnashing of teeth?
I have a feeling that no one is going to really acknowledge this day. My MIL already emailed me today and made no mention, and she was the one that I thought would. Therefore, I guess it is only my mind that holds onto these dates.
There will be (ok, is) crying, and aching, and talking to beanie.
Because I can't even imagine what a two-year-old Serenity would look or act like.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
it approaches
February 6th.
I took off the day at work.
So far, that is the only plan.
I guess we'll bake something.
Two years.
Lacking
Missing
Aching
Hurting
Healing
Loving
I took off the day at work.
So far, that is the only plan.
I guess we'll bake something.
Two years.
Lacking
Missing
Aching
Hurting
Healing
Loving
Monday, February 1, 2010
Incubating
Hm, seems to be time for my monthly post.
I just haven't been on the blogs recently, and that goes doubly for mine. I think of things to write, but don't get to it. I am on the computer, but busy. Researching this or that product, or more likely, my latest worry. I have made an online shopping list of things to buy Beanie once she gets her little buns out here.
Lots of doctors appointments. Those last 3 or 4 days before the two week appts. are tough. Next week we start weeklies and NSTs.
Been busy going to the pool and baking lots of desserts. I hadn't gained any weight for 3 weeks, and at one of the appts. the nurse said something about it, then I started worrying. I couldn't understand how I could finish a whole batch of toll house cookies in less than 5 days and not gain any weight!
At the u/s last week, the bean had gained 1.5 pounds (at 3 lbs 10 oz she is in the 78th growth percentile), but the net gain of the mothering unit was still zero. Guess it's all that pool working out with the seniors.
I am also sewing little bean outfits. A new thing for me. I am a quilter, because quilts are sewn with straight lines. This tiny clothing thing is a different story. I can't wait until beanie is here to model them for you gals! I am being superstitious and not taking photos of empty outfits to show off. I am making mostly summer sundress type things.
Everyone IRL asks if we've got a named picked out, I say yes, and they look like they are waiting for soemthing. Well, it's secret. And they don't know that Triple S and I call her beanie or xiao do zi or habichuelita. Those are our names (well, and of course I share them with you-who-get-it!!!).
Lots of the old ladies at the pool ask me if this is my first, and I tell them no, my first daughter died. I just can't deny her and I really don't want to here all the 'wait until this' that comes with a 'first' pregnancy.
Then, last week on Wed, I am getting into the pool and the one lady says
"Where's your daughter today?" Good thing I was holding onto the hand rail.
"Um, my daughter is dead."
"No." (Um, yeah, are you going to argue with me?)
"I guess you are thinking of the other pregnant lady that often comes in here around this time with her little girl?" (Yes, there is another lady, pregnant, with a daughter somewhere around two. That so is not me, but, in another universe, it could be.)
THEN, on Friday, one of the other ladies asks, pointedly looking at my big ol belly:
"Aren't you the one with all those kids"
Huh?
Now, the lady from Wednesday: "No, no you are thinking of the lady that used to come, last semester."
Apparently no one really pays any attention.
***
Serenity is constantly on my mind, the bean is constantly on my mind. But I don't talk about much to anyone.
I am pretty calm, all things considered. Just living in a place of hope and preparation. Triple S is ready to install the car seat the next day that we get warmish weather. He detailed the back of my car yesterday (not the front, that's 'my' mess and 'beanie won't be up there. I am only cleaning the car for beanie'. Hm, I see where I rank).
We are getting the house cleaned up, since it's been a bit disorganized for the last two years. I cleaned out our bathroom closet, throwing out drugs from 2007. I am working on the taxes.
Basically, just incubating away here.
I just haven't been on the blogs recently, and that goes doubly for mine. I think of things to write, but don't get to it. I am on the computer, but busy. Researching this or that product, or more likely, my latest worry. I have made an online shopping list of things to buy Beanie once she gets her little buns out here.
Lots of doctors appointments. Those last 3 or 4 days before the two week appts. are tough. Next week we start weeklies and NSTs.
Been busy going to the pool and baking lots of desserts. I hadn't gained any weight for 3 weeks, and at one of the appts. the nurse said something about it, then I started worrying. I couldn't understand how I could finish a whole batch of toll house cookies in less than 5 days and not gain any weight!
At the u/s last week, the bean had gained 1.5 pounds (at 3 lbs 10 oz she is in the 78th growth percentile), but the net gain of the mothering unit was still zero. Guess it's all that pool working out with the seniors.
I am also sewing little bean outfits. A new thing for me. I am a quilter, because quilts are sewn with straight lines. This tiny clothing thing is a different story. I can't wait until beanie is here to model them for you gals! I am being superstitious and not taking photos of empty outfits to show off. I am making mostly summer sundress type things.
Everyone IRL asks if we've got a named picked out, I say yes, and they look like they are waiting for soemthing. Well, it's secret. And they don't know that Triple S and I call her beanie or xiao do zi or habichuelita. Those are our names (well, and of course I share them with you-who-get-it!!!).
Lots of the old ladies at the pool ask me if this is my first, and I tell them no, my first daughter died. I just can't deny her and I really don't want to here all the 'wait until this' that comes with a 'first' pregnancy.
Then, last week on Wed, I am getting into the pool and the one lady says
"Where's your daughter today?" Good thing I was holding onto the hand rail.
"Um, my daughter is dead."
"No." (Um, yeah, are you going to argue with me?)
"I guess you are thinking of the other pregnant lady that often comes in here around this time with her little girl?" (Yes, there is another lady, pregnant, with a daughter somewhere around two. That so is not me, but, in another universe, it could be.)
THEN, on Friday, one of the other ladies asks, pointedly looking at my big ol belly:
"Aren't you the one with all those kids"
Huh?
Now, the lady from Wednesday: "No, no you are thinking of the lady that used to come, last semester."
Apparently no one really pays any attention.
***
Serenity is constantly on my mind, the bean is constantly on my mind. But I don't talk about much to anyone.
I am pretty calm, all things considered. Just living in a place of hope and preparation. Triple S is ready to install the car seat the next day that we get warmish weather. He detailed the back of my car yesterday (not the front, that's 'my' mess and 'beanie won't be up there. I am only cleaning the car for beanie'. Hm, I see where I rank).
We are getting the house cleaned up, since it's been a bit disorganized for the last two years. I cleaned out our bathroom closet, throwing out drugs from 2007. I am working on the taxes.
Basically, just incubating away here.
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