When I am nursing Beanie, and she is all settled down and calm and chugging away, I wonder:
What is she thinking?
Is she thinking of the taste of my milk?
Is she thinking about her day?
Is she thinking about the book I read to her?
Is she even aware of her thoughts?
Maybe one day soon I will be able to ask her these things and she can answer me.
Sorry my posts all seem to be about me nursing, but it is how I spend a significant amount of my day - and one of the only times I have a chance to think!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
This and That
I just had a 'nursing dream'**. I was an old woman with Alzheimer's. Beatriz walked into the room and I called her Serenity. With a look of resignation, she said yes, after so many times of telling me "No, mom, it's Beatriz". I just broke down and cried, so relieved to finally get to see my Serenity.
***
As I was nursing Beanie, I was thinking about how Serenity's birth is fading from my memory. I never faced my memories of her birth in order to write them here on the blog. But I had written down every detail I could remember shortly after her death. Coming out to the living room after enticing Beanie to sleep, I found the journal. I had started writing down the story from Friday, the day before I think she died. I had stopped writing Wednesday morning, just after the doctor came in, checked me, and told me I could start pushing. So no birth story.
Triple S had also typed up his version. I think his version is more about the actual birth. So maybe we have the whole story between the two of us.
I think I should type up my story and combine it with Triple S', or maybe try to finish my version, which will end up now less detailed. Then I want to print it out. And I want to print out my blog (if anyone knows the easy way to do this from blogger, please let me know). I am going to put everything into a binder then. I know it will forever be on the internet somewhere, but there is nothing quite like paper and ink.
***
Triple S is at a business conference this week. It has given me time to think.
I've never been known for my great memory. Today, I talked with my MIL and she can't remember the details of when Triple S was a baby. I worry that I will forget. I look at Beanie, and close my eyes and try to picture her face in my mind, but honestly, I really can't. I guess I don't have a photographic memory. At least we have pictures of her.
I never studied Serenity's face. This is my second biggest regret. I wish I had looked at her, taken pictures of her, touched and held her more. But as I held her, I could feel the temperature of her body growing cold. It was more than I could withstand. Plus, for some reason, I felt that it must be a rush to get the body autopsied. I feared if we waited, they wouldn't be able to figure out why she died. I later found out that the autopsy defiently did not happen right away. And her death remains unexplained. I squandered the little time we could have had with her.
***
I asked Beanie today why she chose us. Is she a gentle soul, and upon seeing our broken hearts thought that she could take care of us?
**Nursing dream - a dream, maybe a daydream, that occurs while in that drowsy, hormone-induced, snoozy state that accompanies side-lying nursing.
***
As I was nursing Beanie, I was thinking about how Serenity's birth is fading from my memory. I never faced my memories of her birth in order to write them here on the blog. But I had written down every detail I could remember shortly after her death. Coming out to the living room after enticing Beanie to sleep, I found the journal. I had started writing down the story from Friday, the day before I think she died. I had stopped writing Wednesday morning, just after the doctor came in, checked me, and told me I could start pushing. So no birth story.
Triple S had also typed up his version. I think his version is more about the actual birth. So maybe we have the whole story between the two of us.
I think I should type up my story and combine it with Triple S', or maybe try to finish my version, which will end up now less detailed. Then I want to print it out. And I want to print out my blog (if anyone knows the easy way to do this from blogger, please let me know). I am going to put everything into a binder then. I know it will forever be on the internet somewhere, but there is nothing quite like paper and ink.
***
Triple S is at a business conference this week. It has given me time to think.
I've never been known for my great memory. Today, I talked with my MIL and she can't remember the details of when Triple S was a baby. I worry that I will forget. I look at Beanie, and close my eyes and try to picture her face in my mind, but honestly, I really can't. I guess I don't have a photographic memory. At least we have pictures of her.
I never studied Serenity's face. This is my second biggest regret. I wish I had looked at her, taken pictures of her, touched and held her more. But as I held her, I could feel the temperature of her body growing cold. It was more than I could withstand. Plus, for some reason, I felt that it must be a rush to get the body autopsied. I feared if we waited, they wouldn't be able to figure out why she died. I later found out that the autopsy defiently did not happen right away. And her death remains unexplained. I squandered the little time we could have had with her.
***
I asked Beanie today why she chose us. Is she a gentle soul, and upon seeing our broken hearts thought that she could take care of us?
**Nursing dream - a dream, maybe a daydream, that occurs while in that drowsy, hormone-induced, snoozy state that accompanies side-lying nursing.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Baby Photos by the Month
These are pictures of Beanie as each month has passed by:
Eight Days
One Month
Two Months
Three Months
Four Months
Please share in my joy. She makes each day doable.
Eight Days
One Month
Two Months
Three Months
Four MonthsPlease share in my joy. She makes each day doable.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Letting Go
As I was catching up on others' posts, I read that having children is about letting them go.
It's been two years and five months since Serenity died. These last five months I am letting Serenity go more and more. As the strangle-hold that grief has on me slowly slackens, I am also able to let the memory of Serenity come and go without pangs of dread, deep sorrow, or guilt. I think of her, but the thoughts are not so intrusive or gut-wrenching as they once were.
Even though Serenity is dead, I still have to practice this truism of parenting. I must let her go off on her own.
It's been two years and five months since Serenity died. These last five months I am letting Serenity go more and more. As the strangle-hold that grief has on me slowly slackens, I am also able to let the memory of Serenity come and go without pangs of dread, deep sorrow, or guilt. I think of her, but the thoughts are not so intrusive or gut-wrenching as they once were.
Even though Serenity is dead, I still have to practice this truism of parenting. I must let her go off on her own.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Out of shape
I feel like I am out of blogging shape! What to say? Where to start?
How about another kind of out of shape?
I am losing weight. This is definitely something I don't talk about IRL! I hate being out of shape!
Right now I am the weight at which I started Serenity's pregnancy. I never could lose the weight after Serenity's death - just too much else going on and eating way too much.
Now I am eating healthfully. I want to be a good example for Beanie, so I better get it right before she notices my bad habits and sedentary life.
I think the biggest thing that has made a difference is cutting out dairy. I am a total addict and love rich, fatty whole-milk yogurt and cheese, cheese cheese! Milk seemed to bother my stomach during the last third of Bea's pregnancy, so I stopped drinking milk, but was still eating yogurt and hard cheeses (thinking it was the lactose). But Bea has really bad spit up and I thought maybe I should really cut out dairy. Much to dh's surprise, that even includes butter. Yes, dear, really. No, dear, it's not a good idea to buy Julia Child's cookbook (we just saw Julie & Julia - the infertility parts were very nicely done) since everything uses ample amounts of butter and cream is right up there too.
I just realized last night (maybe two-three weeks after dairy-free) that Bea's cradle cap is gone. The spit up also seems better. And the eczema I have had for 15 years is lessening. I guess I should have cut out dairy when I cut out wheat, way back in '98...
The other thing I am doing that is helping me shed pounds is walking. Well, haven't gone yet this week due to other commitments and the fact that it is blazing hot out and thunderstorming IN THE MORNING! But, most days Bea, the mutt, and I go for a two-mile stroll around our nearby park. We walk by the pavilion where we had Serenity's memorial service. Seeing it produces a small pang, which is mitigated by knowing that summer concerts are held there, during which the place teems with life.
I think I should go to the YMCA on these warm days. But I just don't want to leave Bea at the tot watch! I'd be running up the stairs every 10 min.
I want to lose at least 15, maybe even 20, more pounds. And I want to do it before next July. I think I can, with the help of breastfeeding. Send me willpower!
How about another kind of out of shape?
I am losing weight. This is definitely something I don't talk about IRL! I hate being out of shape!
Right now I am the weight at which I started Serenity's pregnancy. I never could lose the weight after Serenity's death - just too much else going on and eating way too much.
Now I am eating healthfully. I want to be a good example for Beanie, so I better get it right before she notices my bad habits and sedentary life.
I think the biggest thing that has made a difference is cutting out dairy. I am a total addict and love rich, fatty whole-milk yogurt and cheese, cheese cheese! Milk seemed to bother my stomach during the last third of Bea's pregnancy, so I stopped drinking milk, but was still eating yogurt and hard cheeses (thinking it was the lactose). But Bea has really bad spit up and I thought maybe I should really cut out dairy. Much to dh's surprise, that even includes butter. Yes, dear, really. No, dear, it's not a good idea to buy Julia Child's cookbook (we just saw Julie & Julia - the infertility parts were very nicely done) since everything uses ample amounts of butter and cream is right up there too.
I just realized last night (maybe two-three weeks after dairy-free) that Bea's cradle cap is gone. The spit up also seems better. And the eczema I have had for 15 years is lessening. I guess I should have cut out dairy when I cut out wheat, way back in '98...
The other thing I am doing that is helping me shed pounds is walking. Well, haven't gone yet this week due to other commitments and the fact that it is blazing hot out and thunderstorming IN THE MORNING! But, most days Bea, the mutt, and I go for a two-mile stroll around our nearby park. We walk by the pavilion where we had Serenity's memorial service. Seeing it produces a small pang, which is mitigated by knowing that summer concerts are held there, during which the place teems with life.
I think I should go to the YMCA on these warm days. But I just don't want to leave Bea at the tot watch! I'd be running up the stairs every 10 min.
I want to lose at least 15, maybe even 20, more pounds. And I want to do it before next July. I think I can, with the help of breastfeeding. Send me willpower!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I've decided...
That it's time to come back.
I miss you gals (and guys).
Bea turned four months today. I think I can swing the time for myself to blog again.
This blog might not be the same. But it's still me. If you can't follow, I understand, but I'll miss you.
Now, reading other blogs. Maybe I'll even have time for that.
There is so much I want to write. About what happened ~10 days postpartum. About life now. About more of my life, not just my grief.
And my grief has changed. A few months into this misadventure, I remember reading that grief lasts two years. I am past that mark - and it is different. Of course, one key thing also changed in the same time period: Bea made it here safely.
Bea, herself, does make me happy. I am happy being a (mostly) full-time mom. I am happy cleaning my house (after I came to the realization last week that I clean my house for me, because no one else seems to notice when it is dirty). I am happy taking walks every morning around 8 with a stroller and a mutt, even when it is 90 pushing 1000 with a relative humidity of 'what the hell are you doing outside in this weather.' I think I may have found my groove (or at least a new groove than the old groove).
So, dear readers, be forewarned: I am back. With my co-author Beanie Bea.
I miss you gals (and guys).
Bea turned four months today. I think I can swing the time for myself to blog again.
This blog might not be the same. But it's still me. If you can't follow, I understand, but I'll miss you.
Now, reading other blogs. Maybe I'll even have time for that.
There is so much I want to write. About what happened ~10 days postpartum. About life now. About more of my life, not just my grief.
And my grief has changed. A few months into this misadventure, I remember reading that grief lasts two years. I am past that mark - and it is different. Of course, one key thing also changed in the same time period: Bea made it here safely.
Bea, herself, does make me happy. I am happy being a (mostly) full-time mom. I am happy cleaning my house (after I came to the realization last week that I clean my house for me, because no one else seems to notice when it is dirty). I am happy taking walks every morning around 8 with a stroller and a mutt, even when it is 90 pushing 1000 with a relative humidity of 'what the hell are you doing outside in this weather.' I think I may have found my groove (or at least a new groove than the old groove).
So, dear readers, be forewarned: I am back. With my co-author Beanie Bea.
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