Toronto is a long drive from the Midwest

**I apologize, but this is really long. I hope you can rea through ost of it, and comment! I don't write as often as I used to, and when something needs to get out, it seems to be all at once**

We drove about 15 hours to get up to Toronto on Friday, arriving while the family was out to a very late dinner. Luckily, some of the bride's friends were also staying at the house, so we could get in. n total, there were about 15 people staying - with two baths and one extra toilet! The bride was wisely staying elsewhere, and the new couple had a hotel room for after the wedding.

Her one friend's fiance was quite nice, offering us tea when we arrived, busying himself with dishes while the bridesmaids got ready. He was an easy one to talk to.

The wedding was lovely. I usually cry at weddings, but worked extra hard to keep this down, since I am not so 'graceful tears welling in my eyes' anymore, but more 'sobbing and blubbering'. It was a full-on Catholic ceremony, complete with blood and body. The bride's side stayed put.

It was hard seeing so much of Triple S' family. We hadn't seen them since long before we were pregnant, and only his parents when Serenity was still here, died, and was born (and again this winter). We hadn't seen the one cousin in 10 years. No one said anything to me about Serenity, and I was trying to keep my thoughts from roaming there, as this weekend was about his 2nd cousin's marriage and new life, replete with Polish fertility-wishing ceremonies. The groom and his family seemed nice enough.

The reception was very fancy and large. The meal was beyond belief, including an inter-course sorbet and peppered chocolate ice cream for dessert (if you live in Toronto, you might be able to guess where this was held, as it is the chef's creation). There was some famous actor there (there is a pic of me with him on someone's camera, just not mine).

After the first dance, and the beginning of the groom/mother and bride/great-uncle (in her case - her father passed when she was really young, and grandpa didn't want to do it - this was my FIL - who is actually a snazzy dancer, me having danced with him at two of my own weddings), all the guests were asked to join in on the dance floor. I don' know what the song was for that second dance, but it transitioned into "what a wonderful world," which was one of the songs we played at Serenity's memorial service, and to which I now apparently have a programmed response to cry upon hearing it. All the emotions of seeing family, and being at the wedding (which we may no have gone to with a toddler), and of missing a wee one running around like crazy, burst out all the dance floor. How embarrassing. It's at moments like these that I wish Triple S and I had the more common gender dimorphism, so that I could have buried my head in his chest and hidden from view.

It had begun to rain during the wedding ceremony, and continued quite steadily through the time of the reception start and the reception, so there were no outdoor pictures, and the bride had gotten no photos with her family. So, shortly after the dancing had started we were all called out for pictures. Me and my puffy red eyes. How much magic do you think the photographer can do before printing??????

We had a Chinese banquet on Sunday evening. One of the bride's mom's friends asked if our family really did still do the tradiotnal things, like red pockets. I am surprised, that living in an area full of so many Chinese (I was a definite minority in Markham), that people didn't still give the new couple red pockets. When Triple S and I got married, we received enough money from his family to have a substantial start to our house fund (my family not so generous). I see it as a big loan, because over the years we will give all that money back, but it is really nice to get a huge lump sum at the beginning to help you get started. We couldn't give as much as I had wanted to, but I will send them a really nice housewarming present when they settle down (there are teaching in Kuwait right now - and planned the wedding from there!)

At the banquet we sat with the bride and groom and some of her bridal party, her sister and boyfriend, and the Chinese cousins. I am always surprised when my FIL's brothers get together, they talk nonstop. Since they all speak Cantonese, I have no idea (neither does Triple S, as he speaks Mandarin) what they talk about, and I really have a hard time fathoming how they can talk so much (we were long in bed while they were still up taking all 3 nights we were there). And Catonese is a boistrous language. So, while there was an apparently stirring conversation going on at the old folks table, our table was silent. I think most of the young people were worn out, having stayed late at the reception. But you would think that 13 people could find something to talk about. I am a naturally curious person, and don't know this 2nd cousin well (having only met her at my own wedding - and she is a bit reserved - and I had no time to talk to anyone at my wedding) and had not met the groom before. So, I am peppering them with questions (but also conscious of not over doing it), receiving short, direct responses, and no questions in return! Am I that rusty at social interactions? And these people aren't even scientists (like Triple S and I, a group that is often disparaged for no social skills - my sciency friends are always a lively bunch and ALWAYS have somethings to talk about - yes, sometimes science, but also politics, jobs, money even entertainment, etc). I want to know how they ended up in Kuwait, if the groom had seen the dress beforehand, what they liked to eat (several of the speeches at the reception mentioned that the way to the bride's heart was thru her stomach - which was the same way Triple S won me over - his family on a whole is alot about food - so I thought this would be a good topic), what their plans were, etc. The conversation didn't really get rolling until the one friend was talking about the two degrees she is seeking (Nursing and public health and some minors). I later asked her, that it seemed she was interested in doing something community based, and we started talking about urban issues (she from Minneapolis and us from the Lou - Midwest cities with similar demographics and issues), and finally we had something going. The rest just kinda sat there. I guess I am really passionate about stuff, and it seems others, not so much.

I don't know if people seem inhibited around us, maybe the one thing they want to talk about they feel is taboo (although I am sure the friends don't know about our reproductive woes). I am not sure if this is a dbm issue, an age gap (we are 33 after all - ya know - old), or just differences in interests. I know the sister is more of a partier than a conversationalist (I have never been able to strike up a conversation with her - and I have seen her several times). Maybe people think I am a gossip or something??? But I am one of these people who likes to know things, and have it all ordered. Would I pester someone if I knew they lost baby? Want to know how they were feeling? Would that be a bad thing?

It irks me in some ways tho, because when you are at a gathering, shouldn't you try to learn about others? I have plenty of other things about which to talk, say my job, my gardening, my recent trips, volunteering. But no one was interested, I guess. (can you tell that it kinda bugged me? Like I said, I like to understand things).

We said our goodbyes, that night after the banquet. I have a soft spot in my heart for Triple S' one aunt, Kuku we call her. We can't communicate well, as she doesn't speak English and I don't speak Cantonese. I've always had some kind of connection with er, from the first time we me, maybe 10 years ago. But she called the U.S. after Serenity died, speaking with my ILs and also talking to me. The broken conversation meant a lot to me, because she was making an extra effort to reach out, something that people who can speak to me didn't even do. She also became a grandmother this spring, and I can't talk about the new niece in the family, I don't talk (FaceBook) much to Triple S' cousin. But I really wanted to tell Kuku congratulations. While standing in the kitchen full of the family, I started crying before I got it out. The kitchen emptied. After our hugs with Kuku, we waved goodbye to everyone else, in the den, as they were watching a video on the computer. Would this be an appropriate use of the word pariah???

Anyway, we left at about 5:30 the next morning, stopping off to see Niagara Falls, because Triple S had never seen it.



We also took a detour to stop in Cleveland and see my grandparents' and my uncle's graves. I could have stayed there to cry for an hour. Or more. If I was a superstitious person, I might even think that my grandmother stole my little baby to be there with her.

The return trip took about 18 hours, with the stops and all. And I am exhausted.

TIME DEPENDENT silly question

Where can I buy stamps in Canada? I want to send a few people cards or postcards, but w will only be there on a Sat and Sun. Do grocery stores sell the out of their cash drawer like in the US?

thanks in advance, all my gal pals north of the border.

Duality

There's a 8-10 foot wide spot of yard and sidewalk between our house and our neighbor's. In an effort to separate their child, their dog, and the dog's crap, they have made a two-year-old haven in that area, some of which is actually our otherwise unused property.

There's a sand box, a slide, a rumbling plastic roller coaster, and some other toys, large and small. It's become the hang-out for the two-and-under gang of the neighborhood, every afternoon. Some of the kids are small enough that a parent holds their arms as they go down the 'coaster. Other's go down forward or backwards, without fear. Some are thinking it would be great to line the ramp up with the embankment, for an extra long and steep ride.

I am thinking to post the following sign in my front garden: "If your child plays in my yard, I will teach them cuss words".

Or maybe to start blasting punk music out my windows "Fuck fuck fuck" to a heavy drum beat. I am sure the kids will dance to it.

My neighbor knocked on the door yesterday, to see what was going on "oh, I was wondering if you were still alive over here, I haven't seen you for awhile" (why do people so colloquially refer to death?). Well, I have been busy, and out of the house a bit, with the summer camp and all. I also told her that I am outside, working in my front garden, just not when she - of the unusual work schedule - is around.

In my circuitous way, I did eventually use an opening - when she said how much fun her son has on the rollercoaster - to say that it is annoying. I can hear it in my house. No it's not that he rides it too early. It's the afternoon, when all the two-and-unders are here. She figured it out, she got it.

I feel bad that it bothers me. But I feel like all those parents are being insensitive. They all live here, on the same block that I do. If they didn't know directly, surely they have heard - that my baby died, that she should be out there, of an age with their children. Maybe she'd be old enough now to go down the rollercoaster by herself, or maybe she would still need the support of her parents.

The reason my neighbor doesn't see me is because when they are all out there, I am hiding in my house, trying to not hear the rumble of the rollercoaster, as its reverberations break chinks into my cobbled together heart.

It's already July?

Um, wait a sec, it's almost the end of July! I am so completely discombobulated. Summer is creeping towards an end. I feel like a kid on summer break, realizing that summer doesn't last forever.

Last week was the first time I went to the pool to swim laps. And the water was freezing! The weather has been really crazy here. It was too hot, now it is too cool.

We went for a hike yesterday - it was challenging for me. We hiked up about 200 steps up the side of a river bluff. At least I was less tired than the dog! I must not be too bad off. It was nice. We haven't been to that park since before I was pregnant (or maybe it was the year I got pregnant, but early on).

The garden is currently a jungle - the tomatos are kind of producing. The weather has been all wrong. The two week hot spell didn't allow for fruit set, and now the later fruit aren't getting the heat they need. I am making a green tomato pie out of the tomatos that are on plants suffering from wilt.

We went to see the latest Harry Potter. Loved it! For the last two weeks we watched all the previous movies to catch up. It was fun to see how the kids grew up. I think 'Hermione' is now as tall as 'Harry'! I think the Potter story, at the heart of it, is about friendship and bravery (aside from the whole coming of age bit).

The kids at the summer camp are fun. They seem to like my gardening 'class'. I took them to my work and we got 'special' access to the herbarium. It is normally only open to adult tours, but I think they got something out of it! I then took them to the area where I work. Two of the girls walked arm-in-arm with me, and asked how they could get jobs there! (college education) Today we will use the internet to ID their plant specimens.

Triple S says I have a 'kid crush' on the one kid, Elijah. He is so cute and such a sweetie. After every class I always tell him what this little 6-year-old says (like one day, after getting the smallest purple coneflower flower, he asked why his was so small. I said because it was still a young flower that hadn't grown all the way, and he says "Yay, I got a young flower!" Like, that's ok, I am happy about it no matter what). He kinda makes me want to be brave again. He and Harry Potter.

Well anyway, between these two things swirling in my head, I feel ready to try again. I want to be brave, and balanced. I was thinking, it would be ok if we had a boy. When I was first pregnant, I felt it was a boy, and imagined us doing all kinds of stuff together. When we saw that u/s, I was disappointed for a half a day, but then jumped full into girl mode. But, now, allowing myself to dream of a little Elijah or a little Harry doesn't hurt and isn't so scary. And, worth the stress and worry that we will (HOPEFULLY) (SOON) have to endure.

We were quite busy this last week (yes, that kind of busy), and now I am on progesterone. Fingers crossed.

I am busy this week getting ready for our trip to Toronto, for a wedding. I have my google directions printed out, and am checking them against an atlas (yep, I bought an atlas - kinda handy) because there is always something screwy with internet directions. Like, I don't want to drive straight through Indy - I'd like to take the outerbelt thank you. Anyway, packing and getting snacks and books on tape. Oh, and I've got to get my haircut, do my nails, iron my clothes -aahhh. I need a to-do list... Is it really July 20th already????

Posting a link on a health condition that may be affecting you, and your chances of getting pregnant

Interesting video summary of recent results on celiac disease. The doctor proposes that we start screening for celiac disease much like we screen for high cholesterol.



I don't know why celiac disease is more prevalent, but I suspect it has something to do with the 'food-like chemicals' that make up so much of our diet. For further reading I recommend two books, "In Defense of Food" by Michael Pollan and "The End of Overeating" by Dr. David Kessler. The food processing industry is not your friend; think big tobacco.

I have angst

Deadbaby angst
Conception angst
Thirty-something angst
Grief angst (is that possible)
Parental frustrations
And I am about fed up with insensitive comments

"Kids are such a trouble, aren't you glad you don't have to deal with this?"

That's paraphrased, mostly because I have a bad memory. But that's the meaning.

There are two people that often say crap like this to me. One is my mother (Why do I even bother ever phoning her - Monday turned out to be another nice chat) and the other is the neighbor.

One of these days it's not going to get laughed off and something really nasty is going to come out of my mouth. Like, "Well, you wouldn't have to deal with this if your son was dead." Because, duh, that's what is going on over at my house. We don't have to change diapers or clean up peas or endure 5 am wake ups. So far, I am so shocked that my brain literally freezes up an there is no response.

Posting a link

I really like how Kara describes the long term grief process in this post.

I'm still here!

It's been a long while since I have posted, but I am still here! I am reading (although I am behind), and I also don't have too much to say as comments. Cat's got my tongue I guess.

It's been a slightly off-schedule few weeks. I had jury duty, was covering days at the gardening desk for the 5-day-a-week gal, and I was OPK surging. Gah. It's never just one thing at a time. The trial was weighing heavily on me (shooting in the ghetto in our 'urban' environment). Multiple generations are lost in that 'hood. On my way back from the courthouse after we decided out verdict, I found a place to volunteer. I used to volunteer at the public schools, but it was an unsupported program. Now, I have found a more structured place. When the volunteer coordinator found out I have a graduate degree in science AND I am an avid gardener, her eyes just kept getting wider and wider. I went to be a 'learning buddy' in the reading program and now I am somehow running the gardening program for the 2nd and 3rd graders. Maybe it will turn into a small fee thing, instead of just volunteering, in the fall.

Well, all that OPK-positive-induced activity was for naught. Anyway, the pharmacy and/or the doctor's office was so friggin late in getting the endometrin set up, that we just now got it today. 50 bucks.

My garden is now a huge jungle. In my one raised bed, I think I could have planted half to a third of the number of plants! I took some photos of bugs and such for the kids program. I also will have to take in some cuttings.... hm lots of lessons to plan.

Triple S has started his new residency. We are going out with some of the others tonite (crawfish baby!)

So, I am here, and nothing much is going on. The crazy summer heat is finally giving us a break and my brain is re-solidifying. It had kinda gone mushy. Triple S has today off so we are trying to catch our breath!

Happy Fourth all you gringos! I am not feeling it this year, but we'll see. I have to work tomorrow anyway.