Everything

I woke up this morning nearly overwhelmed with feelings of regret and guilt. I feel that I let Serenity down, that I didn't do everything in my power to protect her. I will always regret these things, things that I know now for what they were. Hindsight certainly stinks.

I miss Serenity more than words can possibly express. The hole in my heart is as large as it ever was, perhaps even larger. There is a well of despair deep in my soul, that acts more like a geyser. It's not predictable like 'Ol Faithful. Most days, it doesn't gush out, just roils around, disruptive and malcontent, foul and awful.

Macadamia is making me tired and air-headed. Triple S takes these all as good signs.

EEEEKKKKK!

The u/s was "indeterminate".

Thanks doc.

In other words, we could see the gestational sac, the embyro sac, and maybe a hiding fluttering thing.

Thanks to you, missing one, for having the earlier comment "why so early?" Without you knowing the result, and you saying that, it really helps.

We have another ultrasound in 10-14 days.

We are not really sure how pregnant I am. According to LMP it would be say 7 weeks, but it's somewhere between 5-6. I do have long cycles, so it's up in the air.

I asked the u/s doctor if we should just keep our hopes up until the next ultrasound and he said "yes" and as he was leaving he said "good luck with the rest of your pregnancy" in a way that sounded, yes, of course the long, long rest of it. Ok, so we are in 'hope-keeping-up mode'.

We next met with the high-risk specialist doctor. She was very thorough and asked lots of questions. I felt comfortable with her and her expertise. The high risk practice is a "team" so you see random doctors (out of 4), but that way everyone is familiar with your case.

She said that in the third trimester we would get weekly NST and we could even get them twice a week if we wanted. And we'll have more ultrasounds. Comfort to our hopeful ears.

Hang in there macadamia! Grow grow grow!

Triple S said I am not allowed to cry until he comes home, and that he was sure there was a blog post to be written!

Today is the big u/s

and I am super nervous. I have 3 hours to wait until I can leave for the doctor's.

C'mon macadamia - be ok.

Today is a new day

I slept better last night. TripleS woke me around midnight, he couldn't sleep and thought he heard something around the house. That shifted my schedule so that I woke around 5 AM instead of 3 AM. But I was much calmer, as last night we had written out our list of things to discuss with the high risk OB. One thing I want to convey is that I don't think I am 'high risk' at this point in my pregnancy (pending all tests of course) but that I do consider the last trimester in need of additional attention. Hopefully he'll be agreeable and helpful. Having all of our thoughts and concerns written down certainly helps get it off my mind.

Last night's dream? Arnold Schwarzenegger, Matt Damon and I were daredevils, jumping off motorcycles and leaping three cars to land on the roof of the last one. Sounds painful. The oddest part is that I was in a back brace and both the guys had amputated legs. Ah, my life is never boring. Triple S just laughed and said "Arnold never does his own stunts!" I guess he is used to my weird pregnancy dreams.

Triple S also thinks I am suffering pregnancy brain much earlier this time around. I think it never really went away, with all the shock of Serenity's death and the ensuing grief. But, yeah, I am pretty dumb and uncoordinated these days.

It's weird that some many commenters also wake up at 3 AM? Hm. Anyway, you all are going to keep me sane, that's for sure!

Not so good nights

I am waking up nearly every night around 3 AM. This has been going on since before I knew I was pregnant. Maybe I am incubating a nightowl.

Once I wake up, and I am often WIDE awake, instantly, almost like I had been startled awake, my mind starts going. Everything is so vivid at the time, yet now I can barely recall it.

I also think I end up half asleep, with nightmares that I can remember.

Last night I dreamt that my baby was having seizures. I had an acquaintance several years ago whose son was born and all was fine. When I first met him, I thought he didn't make much eye contact, but I didn't really know what to expect from a newborn (he was less than 3 months at that point). He was seriously attached to his mother and would cry when anyone else held him, and would cry for hours when left at daycare. She started to notice that he had a weird tightening of his arms, and then noticed that it occured every 20 min. She took him to the doc. He was having seizures every 20 min. They did a brain scan and found that he didn't have most of his brain. The doctors couldn't even understand how he was alive, how his basic body functions were even being controlled. He would never interact with anyone, and they doubted he would live for long. I don't know what happened to him, if he continues to live.

In one way, it is amazing how the body can adapt, and with less than half of a developed brain, the body can still function. However, and even more so, it is scary and heartless.

I don't know why I am telling you all this. It's not like we really need anything else to worry about.

*****

Wednesday is the appointment with a first look ultrasound. I have to get a list together of things to discuss with the doctor. I hope to keep it reasonable (I will probably omit "Can you tell if babies are having seizures in the womb?")

Triple S has taken to saying good night and good morning to macadamia everyday. I know he/she can't hear daddy yet, but I think it is sweet.

We met on Friday with the chaplain from the hospital. I hope to help improve their handouts and resources for moms who loose their babies.

I Wish to Apologize

to all of you for so bluntly springing my BFP on you. I was just really freaked out. As I think my previous posts allude, I was not exactly ready to get pregnant. This is the same exact thing that happened with Serenity. So, although I do follow several blogs of folks that suffer through conception difficulties, Triple S and I are apparently a stud and a fertile Myrtle, respectively.

I think I will continue to blog on just this blog, although I am tossing a new name around in my head. I will continue with one blog because this is my life, one continuity. My life and love for my first child is neither separate nor can it be compartmentalized from my life and love for my family now. She is part of me and she is part of this.

When I first joined DB Blogland, I chose not to follow several bloggers that were at the point of trying again. As time passed, I added a few folks, mainly based on what and how they wrote, and how they commented, which is a very important part of blogging for me. I did follow a few bloggers with subsequent pregnancies, thinking of them as inspiration and as a guide for what I can "look forward" to. Well, now here I am, and let me tell you, I am totally freaked out. My emotions go from elated to anxiety-stricken in a flash. Perhaps the constant is that Triple S is so unbelievably happy. That buoys me and I hope it gives him the strength that he will surely need to see me through this.

I have been spending some time loking for a doctor, a pregnancy supporter with some medical training, and some information for my own self-care. The information I know now is a doube-edged sword. I keep wishing I had known it with Serenity; maybe this blog would then be called "She Made It." It hurts to know that this information was out there, and I just didn't know about it.

I am facing this pregnancy with hope. I know I am not out of the woods, that my child, my macadamia, will always be in danger, will always face some risk, whether here in my womb or out there on the street. I guess I've "seen it all" here on the blogs: chemcial pregnancy, miscarriage, subsequent stillbirths. My hope is that I can enjoy this preganncy as best as I can, that I can stay calm, give macadamia a nice life, and show him or her unfettered love. Who knows, maybe it's even twins...

Day 4

Ok. I am starting to freak out.

I had my regularly scheduled Gyn appointment yesterday with my family doctor. I thought she already had the results from the urine test, so I said "yes, this is supposed to be my pre-conception health check," she didn't quite get it. Then she asked me the first day of my LMP, and she said, "Oh, your late!" And I said, "yes, I know, I'm pregnant" She almost fell off her chair and was very flustered. "Oh, now I get it..let me go get my other supplies." Triple S and I just kinda laughed at her. This doctor is so great. She does prenatal care up to 32 weeks. She is so thorough and asks many questions and gives you so many recommendations (all typed out and on a sheet you take home so that you can remember). I feel like I want to stick with her, but I also feel like there is value in a doctor who sees lots of pregnancies. But my last OB was so busy - we were lucky if we got 5 min sometimes and I don't think she was very careful. We were just a textbook pregnancy. My family doc recommended another OB that usually takes her patienets at 32 weeks, but she is 45 min away. There is also a doc that has ben recommended to us, he's a high-risk specialist. I have a call into him. What do you all think I should look for?

I am also thinking of buying a dopplar. Any opinions?

I am also thinking of getting a mid-wife or doula or some other pregnancy support.

EEEEKK! Yep, it's a total freak out.

At least my family doc ordered blood tests, so I have a little cushion. But who knows how long it will take to get in for first ultrasound etc.

Eek EEk EEK!

May I introduce....

When Triple S came home from work today, he had a big smile on his face. I asked him if he really wanted to tell a few key folks at work, and he said "of course."

Thank you all for your comments. We both really appreciated them, and got to tell people before telling real life people. I happened to have my "pre-conception" healthy check-up scheduled for this very Tuesday, so perhaps after a confirmation we will tell some.

I told Triple S that we should come up with a cute name for our little blastocyst. We never had a 'nickname' in the first pregnancy. We just called our baby "baby", which is also the same thing that Triple S calls me, and the same thing that I call Triple S. That is our family's sweet name, I guess.

I gave examples from the names I had seen here on the blogs, like 'peanut,' and 'beanie,' or maybe 'munchkin'. None really tickled his fancy. He thinks the nickname will "stick" and should work for the kid forever. He wants something 'classier.'


I said "macadamia," and we both laughed like crazy.

This was perhaps the first thing that we had both laughed, really laughed, at after Serenity died:



Every once and awhile, a line will pop into one of our heads, and we'll start scattin' with the best of 'em.


Welcome to my womb, macadamia. May you enjoy a peaceful and safe time there.

This morning

I POAS.

BFP.

eek!

Big smiles on two faces.

Where have I been?

I don't know...I just realized I haven't posted in over a week.

I've been busy, trying to exercise more. I am trying to bike to the pool three times a week. Actually, I have to go do that now...


Someone on one of my social media sites asked readers to described parenthood in 6 words.

Great while it lasted.

Well, that's four.

Empty without my child.

I seem to be stuck on four...maybe because my adventure into parenthood was cut short.

*

Freakiness here at 'She Almost Made It'

After posting the last entry, I scrolled down to peak at my hit counter. It said 2008. That's a little freaky.

A day in my life

I am feeling worse today than yesterday. I woke up this morning with a pain behind my eye that extends by my ear and down the right side of my neck. My tummy is also wambly. Is this what PMS feels like, because I can't really remember. Between the 39 weeks of pregnancy and the last 6 months living in a fog, I just can't recognize it. The shaky stomach makes me think I am really not ready to handle morning sickess again. It has completely interrupted my day and it is not even that severe.

After attempting to work, I did yoga mid-morning to try to get the kinks our of my neck and shoulders. It didn't help and I cried near the end. Bless my poor dog. I don't know what she thinks is going on, but she knows that I need licked. And laid upon.

I started to feel a bit better after eating lunch outside. The weather is not beastly hot today. The sun was a little hard on my eyes though. I came in to try to do some more work, accomplishing one task for the day. I prepared some baked beadns for dinner. Then I decided to take a nap.

I may have fallen asleep, but really, I just let my mind wander and think about the things that are bothering me. Serenity is always there, maybe a little more poignant today than other days. I have a pile (albeit modest) of freelance work. This makes me a little anxious, as I want to turn it around in a timely manner and do a bang-up job to get both repeat business and referrals. In some ways, having a pile of work causes more anxiety than no work! Well, ok maybe I just get anxious either way. Deep breaths.... I also made a financial mistake some months ago. I think this is what woke me up this morning. I thought through it while laying on the living room floor, and I decided to suck it up, deal with it, move on. That is what really made me feel better, I think.

So, feeling better. Except those darn live babies were still on the dashboard when I logged in. Seriously, one stares right at you. The joys of riding the DeadBabyLand Rollercoaster.

Did I meet the "goals?"

It is six months since Serenity was delivered. The date, the "6th," doesn't bother me as much as the days leading up to it. I think this is because Serenity was already dead, and some part of me knows it, knows when, and that is when my body mourns.

I think this day is more difficult for Triple S. He still had some hope that it was a mistake, and that she would come out kicking and screaming. He broke down when he saw her, delivered, still.

I know Triple S was worried about me today, because he called me this morning, ready to beat up someone harassing me with live babies (ie the Blogger team). It means he was checking in on me by checking what I was writing in my blog. Wow, you'd think we never talk!

Here's the update for the Goal List from a few weeks ago. I am not sweating it, as these things have not been on my mind since writing them down (the true power of a list).

1. Track down her death certificate and birth certificate with the hospital's office of vital records.
I've tried. Need to try again. A wonderful chaplain from the hospital has been checking in on us (thanks S) so I think I will procrastinate on this until after we meet her this month...I also hope to discuss with he some pamphlet idea I've got knocking around in my head.

2. Get the DVD of the memorial service into one file and onto one DVD. Make copies and store. Figure out how to store for long term. I have to take this somewhere as we don't have a DVD burner. Files are already backed up on my computer.
No action yet. Bad dbm.

3. Send thank you notes to people who did memorials in her name. (Triple S hasn't done his share yet)
Triple S wrote one and a half last night. That's all the strength he could muster...

4. I have some money and gift cards that people wanted donated in her name, that I have to do.
Perhaps when we meet the chaplain I can take these to the hospital...

5. Take the nail polish off my toes.


6. Clean the house. Just this weekend I did a spring cleaning on the living room and bedroom. I just haven't cleaned well lately...
House is getting better, I've been a bit more organized and had a bit more interest in it. I'll consider this one a success too! I've also been really busy starting my new freelance career, hence the dbm blogging slowdown and little time for house work.

7. Get rid of the Parents and Parenting and whatever other baby magazines I am still receiving- and put the copies in office waiting rooms.
I have been ignoring them...plus, I haven't had a doctor's appointment in awhile. I've got two coming up, so....save for then.

8. Find the CD with the scans of Serenity's pictures. What I would really like to do is take them someplace that can scan a better image from the hospital's printouts.
I did this last night and put all the photos we have of her life on 1 CD. Wow, that's sad when I say it that way: her whole life and death fit on one CD. I debated posting one of these pics, but since I was debating with myself since last night, I think I am not yet ready.


Well, I managed to make procrastination sound like progress. But I do have a plan for the things I haven't done yet. I'm fine with it. The list is shorter and things are in motion.

{{Mommy misses you Serenity. More than you could ever imagine. More than I could have ever imagined.}}

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At the Platform

"Attention folks, the train is running a little behind schedule. We had to stop a few miles up the line to get a woman off the tracks. Everything is fine and the train will be here shortly. Thank you for your patience."

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I really did not appreciate being confronted by three photos of three live 'blogger' babies this morning. Blogger: get the post off my dashboard! And they turn comments off...the nerve.

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Click here to read some nice words about deadbabyblogland

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Getting out of the Rut

Triple S said last night that he was tired of of feeling like his life was on hold. I think the mud is finally starting to dry, and we can stop spinning our wheels and get out of this rut.

This last weekend, I started watching some HGTV again. We live in an old house, and will probably have to move (for Triple S' career) again in a few years. We've done numerous house projects, from painting to insulating. Last summer, Triple S stripped the lead paint in the bathroom and stained the old wood. We missed out on doing fun things last summer because every weekend he was in there. I couldn't help and was banished from the room. He regrets spending so much time during the pregnancy on "crap." (I was sewing a playmat quilt - I have about 6 inches of the edging to finish hand stitching...)

Well, for me, interest in HGTV was a sign that I am thinking about taking on projects again. That the grief is not so overwhelming that it is paralyzing me. That I have some energy again. I suggested a few VERY small projects to Triple S, and he was into it (EVERY project has been like pulling his teeth for the last five years). I couldn't have cared less about any house issues a few months ago (our yard and my garden are sure testiments to my lack of motivation).

I haven't baked much, I haven't sewn, I havn't done my scrapbook. All the things I used to enjoy were completely uninteresting to me. But I am starting to think about them again. I am emerging...

I Feel it Coming

That train of grief is heading right towards me, and I am standing on the tracks, transfixed by the head light.