Or is it 2011? It's still an evening in 2010, so....
I've never been one for New Year's Resolutions. I have desires towards self-improvement throughout the year. Do I ever make any progress? I don't know. I do have some projects to start in January, some goals for the next few months, some big unknowns upon the horizon.
***
I'd like to post more here.
~Some of it is writer's block, some of it is legistics with the kiddo and computer time. I could spend more time on the computer, but I think I should play with her, although now she likes to crawl around by herself and get into trouble. Sometimes I feel like I don't have many commenters anymore, although I am not really sure that the number of comments is lower than it usually was. I feel like I used to get 10-12 comments on most posts, now more like 6. So, if you'd like to see more posts - leave more comments! I know that we have all gone through many changes since I started writing and you started reading this blog. I know I don't get to stay caught up as much as I'd like to in reading other blogs. I do *think* of many blog posts.
***
I am working on Beanie's scrapbook. With my sister here I have gotten three pages done so far, hopefully another tonite after dinner. I hope to use the scrapping momentum to work on Serenity's album, which is much harder to do. But I feel like I am regaining my scrapbook groove a bit.
***
I am contemplating doing a daily line, inspired by this page: http://www.herfiveyeardiary.com/ This might help with the lack of blogging too - I can easily jot down a line in a paper book - right?? Right??? Then I can conglomerate lines into a post, right?
***
January has two main projects:
1- get back on the healthy living - moderate the diet and get Beanie reacclimated to going to the tot watch at the Y so I can exercise. By March I'd like to be down another 10-15 pounds (and that is the end goal!).
2- get back to work after a holiday break - I already have one job sitting in my queue!
***
We are going to be *those* parents and plan a big bash for Beanie's 1st birthday. It will probably double as a going away party:
***
This year - big unknowns:
Triple S getting a job, somewhere, sometime this summer, which will lead to a relocation sometime, somewhere. Hopefully with a paid moving package hat includes packing!
Other than that, I want to have a nice 2001. Just nice. It's going to be stressful, with the cross country move and accompanying uprooting. So it won't be peaceful in many ways, but I hope that it is emotionally peaceful.
And I hope that you all have good years too.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
This is a post about nothing
Christmas was... uneventful, calm, plucky. Happy but not deliriously so. We have my sister here to distract us. Bea is so full of life, her light pushes the darkness to the far corners.
***
Neither set of grandparents sent her any presents.
I really don't know what universe they live in. I am not complaining. I am not even wasting the mental energy to be confused.
***
It's midnight. I have read the blogs. It's quiet, except for the dog's and the husband's snores. I can hear them both here in the living room.
***
I am beginning to wonder about trying for another one. I am not really sure that I want to. After Bea first came home, I was like "this is great! I hope I get pregnant again asap!" Now I am more like "Life is good. Do I really want to try to change that?"
It's like when Bea is happily playing on the floor, or with one certain toy, and I try to make her *more* happy by picking her up, or giving her more toys, and she starts crying. Someone told me this "Never try to make a happy baby happier" and it is so true. Just leave 'well enough' alone.
That's where I am kinda at about this whole sibling thing.
Although it is nice having a sister. A living sister.
***
Neither set of grandparents sent her any presents.
I really don't know what universe they live in. I am not complaining. I am not even wasting the mental energy to be confused.
***
It's midnight. I have read the blogs. It's quiet, except for the dog's and the husband's snores. I can hear them both here in the living room.
***
I am beginning to wonder about trying for another one. I am not really sure that I want to. After Bea first came home, I was like "this is great! I hope I get pregnant again asap!" Now I am more like "Life is good. Do I really want to try to change that?"
It's like when Bea is happily playing on the floor, or with one certain toy, and I try to make her *more* happy by picking her up, or giving her more toys, and she starts crying. Someone told me this "Never try to make a happy baby happier" and it is so true. Just leave 'well enough' alone.
That's where I am kinda at about this whole sibling thing.
Although it is nice having a sister. A living sister.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The Second Day of Christmas
I skipped my blog post.
Anyway, I have some other holiday things I want to post. I'll get to it eventually. I have until New Year's right?
***
Bea's got one of her top teeth. It's more than just poking out, so I guess I missed it big debut. I can't really see it past her full upper lip (which is so cute and darling, by the way).
I called to tell my mother that Beanie got another tooth. That's about all I got to say. "Oh, really, that's nice. Well, I blah blah blah."
Then, "We got all the photos you sent, with us and the baby. What did you want us to do with all of them?"
"Um, their yours to put up in frames?" I said.
"All of them, what will I do with *all* of them?"
"You can give one to Gram and Grandpa if you want," I suggested.
"Well, you sent them the one, right?" Mom said. "The one that you signed with... the other, what did it say, remembrance... oh the other baby. You know what I mean."
I am thinking, in slow-mo, you can't be serious, she has forgotten my daughter's name. "Yes, I sent her the holiday card."
"Serenity! That's it! Well, I went shopping today, blah blah blah," she countered, changing the subject, lest one gets emotional or talks about something important.
Really, am I just expecting too much of her? Possibly. Should I be surprised, after 35 years of crap from her. Of neglect, lack of interest, lack of effort.
I try to give her the benefit of the doubt, that she did the best she could, with her resources, her skills. Mothering and navigating this society doesn't come naturally.
***
I told Triple S about it later that night. I prefaced with "I really shouldn't tell you this" which h knows always leads to yet another let-down from my parents.
He was miffed.
***
As I believe I have said before, we will be leaving this town, this state, sometime in 2011.
Triple S tried to apply to many jobs closer to my family, even one within the hick region where I grew up.
Sometimes, ok maybe most times, it just doesn't seem worth it.
Why move to freakin' cold weather, to where people stare at my husband because he is not as white as wonder bread, where I couldn't find a liberal conclave, just to be near them? I don't think my mom would help with the kid(s). I still would probably have to take her to my haircuts and dentist appointments.
No wonder I sometimes feel unsupported.
***
And I woke up this morning with the song "Blue Christmas" on my brain.
Anyway, I have some other holiday things I want to post. I'll get to it eventually. I have until New Year's right?
***
Bea's got one of her top teeth. It's more than just poking out, so I guess I missed it big debut. I can't really see it past her full upper lip (which is so cute and darling, by the way).
I called to tell my mother that Beanie got another tooth. That's about all I got to say. "Oh, really, that's nice. Well, I blah blah blah."
Then, "We got all the photos you sent, with us and the baby. What did you want us to do with all of them?"
"Um, their yours to put up in frames?" I said.
"All of them, what will I do with *all* of them?"
"You can give one to Gram and Grandpa if you want," I suggested.
"Well, you sent them the one, right?" Mom said. "The one that you signed with... the other, what did it say, remembrance... oh the other baby. You know what I mean."
I am thinking, in slow-mo, you can't be serious, she has forgotten my daughter's name. "Yes, I sent her the holiday card."
"Serenity! That's it! Well, I went shopping today, blah blah blah," she countered, changing the subject, lest one gets emotional or talks about something important.
Really, am I just expecting too much of her? Possibly. Should I be surprised, after 35 years of crap from her. Of neglect, lack of interest, lack of effort.
I try to give her the benefit of the doubt, that she did the best she could, with her resources, her skills. Mothering and navigating this society doesn't come naturally.
***
I told Triple S about it later that night. I prefaced with "I really shouldn't tell you this" which h knows always leads to yet another let-down from my parents.
He was miffed.
***
As I believe I have said before, we will be leaving this town, this state, sometime in 2011.
Triple S tried to apply to many jobs closer to my family, even one within the hick region where I grew up.
Sometimes, ok maybe most times, it just doesn't seem worth it.
Why move to freakin' cold weather, to where people stare at my husband because he is not as white as wonder bread, where I couldn't find a liberal conclave, just to be near them? I don't think my mom would help with the kid(s). I still would probably have to take her to my haircuts and dentist appointments.
No wonder I sometimes feel unsupported.
***
And I woke up this morning with the song "Blue Christmas" on my brain.
Monday, December 13, 2010
The First Day of Christmas
I made an ornament for Serenity.
It's not much, but I made it. It matches the one I sent for the Ornament Exchange.
I used blue, white and silver paper and silver stickers. On the back of the tag it says 2010.
I don't know why I chose blue. I've never been much for the green and red. But, really, I think it is because the ornament looks like tears.
It's not much, but I made it. It matches the one I sent for the Ornament Exchange.
I used blue, white and silver paper and silver stickers. On the back of the tag it says 2010.
I don't know why I chose blue. I've never been much for the green and red. But, really, I think it is because the ornament looks like tears.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Holiday Ornament Swap
We received our ornaments today from Jenni and her family!
Lovely! We can't wait to get the tree up and hang our ornaments. I'll try to get pics up at that time.
Thank you so much Jenni.
And thanks for organizing the swap too!
Lovely! We can't wait to get the tree up and hang our ornaments. I'll try to get pics up at that time.
Thank you so much Jenni.
And thanks for organizing the swap too!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
iPOD I
Every time we put Bea to sleep, we turn on a lullaby CD. I often think of her sister as I push play, as I bought this CD,-alarm clock-nature sound machine for Serenity. It even has a connection for the first iPOD shuffle. I don't think the new iPODs will connect.
My daughter is left back there, in the time of the first iPOD shuffle.
***
I finally turned on the radio channel that plays Christmas music all day.
Has my spirit finally gotten the holiday season memo?
I've gone crazy with getting ornaments for the girls. One set arrived yesterday, and my ornament swap ones are in the mail. I can't wait. I also bought a remembrance one and a baby first christmas one from Hallm@rk. We will put our tree up in two weeks.
This year I decided to do a photo card. (Yes, we've become those people). But, some folks might like to see what Triple S and I look like these days too. And I've always liked getting ones from others... Do you guys want me to post it, so you can see it?
***
In case you are looking for a lullaby CD, this is the one we have. I don't know if it works for Beanie, but it puts me to sleep:
Chinese Lullabies by Beijing Angelic Choir (I bought it on Am@zon). This video has lyrics in the comments:
***
I went to the dentist today to get yet another cavity filled (I am cursed with bad teeth - I hope Bea gets her dad's teeth). Bea cried the whole time that the receptionist held her.
Attached much? I know she'll outgrow this phase, but it's a tough one. And I know it will be worth it, this little blip of demand, in the connection between mother and daughter. I want her to know that her mama is here for her, that I'll listen to tween pains and teen angst. She won't remember that when she was 8 months old, her mama was with her 24 hours a day. But I hope that she'll come to me with her troubles. That she'll know she can rely on me.
And she is quite adventurous at home. She scoots around everywhere, looking back periodically at me. With a winning smile. That melts my heart.
My daughter is left back there, in the time of the first iPOD shuffle.
***
I finally turned on the radio channel that plays Christmas music all day.
Has my spirit finally gotten the holiday season memo?
I've gone crazy with getting ornaments for the girls. One set arrived yesterday, and my ornament swap ones are in the mail. I can't wait. I also bought a remembrance one and a baby first christmas one from Hallm@rk. We will put our tree up in two weeks.
This year I decided to do a photo card. (Yes, we've become those people). But, some folks might like to see what Triple S and I look like these days too. And I've always liked getting ones from others... Do you guys want me to post it, so you can see it?
***
In case you are looking for a lullaby CD, this is the one we have. I don't know if it works for Beanie, but it puts me to sleep:
Chinese Lullabies by Beijing Angelic Choir (I bought it on Am@zon). This video has lyrics in the comments:
***
I went to the dentist today to get yet another cavity filled (I am cursed with bad teeth - I hope Bea gets her dad's teeth). Bea cried the whole time that the receptionist held her.
Attached much? I know she'll outgrow this phase, but it's a tough one. And I know it will be worth it, this little blip of demand, in the connection between mother and daughter. I want her to know that her mama is here for her, that I'll listen to tween pains and teen angst. She won't remember that when she was 8 months old, her mama was with her 24 hours a day. But I hope that she'll come to me with her troubles. That she'll know she can rely on me.
And she is quite adventurous at home. She scoots around everywhere, looking back periodically at me. With a winning smile. That melts my heart.
Monday, December 6, 2010
UGH
I lost my wallet yesterday. Before Triple S left for work, I looked through the car, to no avail. So I spent my morning calling where I lost it, figuring out what I needed to take to motor vehicles, getting my cell phone info together, checking my credit cards. I got Bea all bundled up for our 20 degree weather and into the car. Only to find my wallet. In the car.
Since we were already out of the house, I figured we should go somewhere, so we went to a small local grocery store. But Bea fell asleep (something she refused to do just a short 30 min prior, in her bed, warm and snuggly) so we sat in the car for half an hour. If I had brought my laptop I could have worked!
This recent thing of napping in the car is not good for my miles-per-gallon. I always thought it was fortunate that the places I like to go are close to where we live, but now I need some long distance errands! OR everything *everything* needs to be drive-thru.
And now here I am procrastinating from editing a manuscript that has lots of English words in it, but that doesn't read at all like English. I think this one will be billed at top rate!
Since we were already out of the house, I figured we should go somewhere, so we went to a small local grocery store. But Bea fell asleep (something she refused to do just a short 30 min prior, in her bed, warm and snuggly) so we sat in the car for half an hour. If I had brought my laptop I could have worked!
This recent thing of napping in the car is not good for my miles-per-gallon. I always thought it was fortunate that the places I like to go are close to where we live, but now I need some long distance errands! OR everything *everything* needs to be drive-thru.
And now here I am procrastinating from editing a manuscript that has lots of English words in it, but that doesn't read at all like English. I think this one will be billed at top rate!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
ah Sunday
Feeling better after the weekend.
Choralors at work helped perk me up - nice singing.
We went back to the Garden today to see them again!
But miss Bea seems to think naps are optional, well sleep in general is. I am blaming teeth. But it takes a lot of work to get her to sleep!
And I will miss some of the volunteers I work with quite a bit. The one guy has so many interesting stories from his life. But, soon I iwll be able to just go visit them - instead of working a full day!
Bea really likes the singing (She is probably thinking- oh, that is what the song is *supposed* to sound like - not how mama sings it!). I have to find some palces around here that have music during the day. Come January we will probably do a music program...
And we are so going to the gym this week. If she wants to work out by crying, well, that's her perogative. I need to go. At 10 the Y has a gym set up for the kids (after the gymanstic classes) so we will go to that.
Thanks for listening to me be worn out
Choralors at work helped perk me up - nice singing.
We went back to the Garden today to see them again!
But miss Bea seems to think naps are optional, well sleep in general is. I am blaming teeth. But it takes a lot of work to get her to sleep!
And I will miss some of the volunteers I work with quite a bit. The one guy has so many interesting stories from his life. But, soon I iwll be able to just go visit them - instead of working a full day!
Bea really likes the singing (She is probably thinking- oh, that is what the song is *supposed* to sound like - not how mama sings it!). I have to find some palces around here that have music during the day. Come January we will probably do a music program...
And we are so going to the gym this week. If she wants to work out by crying, well, that's her perogative. I need to go. At 10 the Y has a gym set up for the kids (after the gymanstic classes) so we will go to that.
Thanks for listening to me be worn out
Friday, December 3, 2010
Most wonderful time of the year...
It doesn't really feel it.
I think I am almost recovered from my parents' visit. Mostly I am disappointed in them. I don't know why I expected more, I was raised by them after all. I guess I was just hoping for something like grandparental instincts.
I am blue. My grief is here with me, but not manifesting in tears. In some ways, that all-consuming grief was easier. This is just below the surface. Not reaching a critical load and exploding. I think I am feeling it with the holidays and my birthday.
I did all my holiday shopping online this year. I didn't eel up to going to the malls (Where I can never find the weird stuff I am looking for anyway). But maybe I have missed out on some cheer. Let me think about that, no probably not after all (I really hate the mall).
Bea is in full-blown separation anxiety. I've had to stop going to the gym. I think this is the biggest bummer; now it is too cold to go for walks. I guess I could go, but I just don't feel like. Something about dark and cloudy with a blistery 35 degrees is not appealing. And now her nap schedule is all off, so I don't know if we can even go to the open playtime they have at the Y. I must try nest week before I go insane with cabin fever.
I think this week Bea had both a growth spurt and a 'wonder week'. This makes one exhausted mama. I have been up to my ears in editing and have to work tomorrow at the garden.
I am quitting the botanical garden job. I ave been sick three times this fall and feel I am just run down. Plus it is getting too cold for Bea and Baba to run around the garden for most of the day, with pit stops at my building for Bea to eat. It had been wonderful doing that, still getting to nurse Bea in the office, but the time has come for it to end. I knew it would, as we will be relocating next year and I was planning to quit in late winter, before I was expected to return to work again on Thursdays.
But I am also sad to be leaving my job. In general I like it, I like saying that I work at this world class place. It is my major adult interaction of the week. But, my editing business is also too busy, and I need the Saturdays during which Baba will be home to watch Beanie and I can put a few uninterrupted hours in. So, I think I am stressed about leaving this job in some ways, but I think once I am done with it, it will be a relief.
The impending relocation is also weighing heavily on me. It's almost like these next 7 months are kind of a freeze. Not much point making new mama friends, since I won't be here for the long haul. I don't know, it's like I've almost half checked out. The uncertainty of the whole situation (will Triple S get a job? Where? When? Can we sell our house? Can we buy a house? Will we like where we move?) has a host of anxieties.
I hate winter. I've tried to like it. I just don't. I am glad it came late this year, but it has kind of hit me unawares.
Bea is so cute and precious to me. She keeps me afloat. Her smile. Her snoarty laugh. The way she plays peekaboo behind a piece of cloth. How photogenic she is.
She is also a bit impatient and demanding. But then she smiles... Oh, and she has really good posture (of which I am completely jealous!).
It's just that by Friday I am worn out.
I think I am almost recovered from my parents' visit. Mostly I am disappointed in them. I don't know why I expected more, I was raised by them after all. I guess I was just hoping for something like grandparental instincts.
I am blue. My grief is here with me, but not manifesting in tears. In some ways, that all-consuming grief was easier. This is just below the surface. Not reaching a critical load and exploding. I think I am feeling it with the holidays and my birthday.
I did all my holiday shopping online this year. I didn't eel up to going to the malls (Where I can never find the weird stuff I am looking for anyway). But maybe I have missed out on some cheer. Let me think about that, no probably not after all (I really hate the mall).
Bea is in full-blown separation anxiety. I've had to stop going to the gym. I think this is the biggest bummer; now it is too cold to go for walks. I guess I could go, but I just don't feel like. Something about dark and cloudy with a blistery 35 degrees is not appealing. And now her nap schedule is all off, so I don't know if we can even go to the open playtime they have at the Y. I must try nest week before I go insane with cabin fever.
I think this week Bea had both a growth spurt and a 'wonder week'. This makes one exhausted mama. I have been up to my ears in editing and have to work tomorrow at the garden.
I am quitting the botanical garden job. I ave been sick three times this fall and feel I am just run down. Plus it is getting too cold for Bea and Baba to run around the garden for most of the day, with pit stops at my building for Bea to eat. It had been wonderful doing that, still getting to nurse Bea in the office, but the time has come for it to end. I knew it would, as we will be relocating next year and I was planning to quit in late winter, before I was expected to return to work again on Thursdays.
But I am also sad to be leaving my job. In general I like it, I like saying that I work at this world class place. It is my major adult interaction of the week. But, my editing business is also too busy, and I need the Saturdays during which Baba will be home to watch Beanie and I can put a few uninterrupted hours in. So, I think I am stressed about leaving this job in some ways, but I think once I am done with it, it will be a relief.
The impending relocation is also weighing heavily on me. It's almost like these next 7 months are kind of a freeze. Not much point making new mama friends, since I won't be here for the long haul. I don't know, it's like I've almost half checked out. The uncertainty of the whole situation (will Triple S get a job? Where? When? Can we sell our house? Can we buy a house? Will we like where we move?) has a host of anxieties.
I hate winter. I've tried to like it. I just don't. I am glad it came late this year, but it has kind of hit me unawares.
Bea is so cute and precious to me. She keeps me afloat. Her smile. Her snoarty laugh. The way she plays peekaboo behind a piece of cloth. How photogenic she is.
She is also a bit impatient and demanding. But then she smiles... Oh, and she has really good posture (of which I am completely jealous!).
It's just that by Friday I am worn out.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Paradigm Shift
Well, my dad arrived yesterday afternoon. He's already told me so many things that I *need* to do. But he also fixed a light and light switch. I just have to keep him otherwise occupied, and then bribe him with food.
This morning, when I was going in to nap nurse Bea down, he told me "You need to get her in her crib. It's just going to get worse."
And after that statement, while I was laying in bed with her thinking, I realized the paradigm shift between him and me.
I think it will get better. I think Bea will learn new things. Just because she is not napping well now (hey the world is way too interesting) doesn't mean she will be a terrible sleeper all through life. Or even next week. Or maybe I'll actually learn her cues.
We didn't teach her to make noise, we didn't teach her to smile, we didn't teach her to scoot around. I think children will develop on their own path and that we are there to show them the world, by example mostly, and with gentle guidance when needed. Safety and social norms are important, sleeping in your own crib or being force fed are not. I think she will sleep more/more easily/without me when she is ready.
In the meantime, I just enjoy my new companion. And let her lead the way on her own progress.
This morning, when I was going in to nap nurse Bea down, he told me "You need to get her in her crib. It's just going to get worse."
And after that statement, while I was laying in bed with her thinking, I realized the paradigm shift between him and me.
I think it will get better. I think Bea will learn new things. Just because she is not napping well now (hey the world is way too interesting) doesn't mean she will be a terrible sleeper all through life. Or even next week. Or maybe I'll actually learn her cues.
We didn't teach her to make noise, we didn't teach her to smile, we didn't teach her to scoot around. I think children will develop on their own path and that we are there to show them the world, by example mostly, and with gentle guidance when needed. Safety and social norms are important, sleeping in your own crib or being force fed are not. I think she will sleep more/more easily/without me when she is ready.
In the meantime, I just enjoy my new companion. And let her lead the way on her own progress.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Thanksgiving approacheth
Ah, it's that most wonderful time of year. That over the river time of year. It's time for Thanksgiving.
It's my favorite holiday, ya know.
I could skip Christmas (and have, the year we went to Mexico).
I've got a free-range, never-frozen turkey sitting in my fridge (slaughtered, of course)
I've got print-outs of wheat- and dairy-free recipes in the kitchen.
The parents are on their way.
Uh oh. Screech. Halt. My parents.
Oh joy. Oh anxiety. Oh my utter lack of patience with all things parental.
I have been stressing all week about the coming criticisms.
Last time they were here, my dad sat and watched the baby cry right in front of him. For goodness sake, just pick her up.
He is always telling me what things I *have* to do with Beatriz (or to her).
"She needs to be in her own bed. She has to learn independence"
"If you want her to sleep, just give her a bottle, then you don't need to be there"
"She has to learn to cry"
To most of which I think "What the fuck? That doesn't make any sense" Then I think "Wow, I must have been a miserable baby" Then I realize I ought to say something, without being reactionary. Without it disintegrating.
I am afraid it is going to be a long week. When Bea was first born and my parents were here, it was ugly. The trip in July was marginally better. This is after 10 years of me really working on trying to understand and feel, not sympathy, but compassion?, for my parents. To understand where they come from and not to let where they are in life negatively affect me. And I just feel bullied by them. Well, mostly my dad, I suppose. My mom just doesn't listen or hear. And she is also going deaf (physically).
And Bea is just so darn cute. I am not sure they appreciate this. And I think she is happy. I think that counts as a positive for what Triple S and I are doing with her.
So much has changed in parenting since I was a kid. My mom didn't breastfeed my sister or me, and I don't think either of my parents were breastfed either. We were let to cry ourselves to sleep those first few nights, until we just gave up. We were to be seen and not heard. I don't remember my mom ever getting down on the floor and playing with us. In fact, she loves to proudly tell me that I loved being alone in my playpen and fought to get back in when my sister kicked me out (no wonder I am such a home-body).
I am consciously doing many things differently than the way I think my parents did it. And I hope to continue to do so. I am sure that I am making mistakes, and will make many more. I just don't aprreciate being criticized about it, almost as second-nature, without them even really thinking about what they are saying.
The big problem is, I don't want to fight with them about it. I don't want to be short with them, or to throw it in their faces that I think they did things wrong. I am sure they tried. Did the best they could with their resources.
I have been trying to come up with ready retorts.
I checked in with Triple S and he is happy with the way we are doing things.
I want Bea to feel safe, and secure, and to know that she can alwas come to us.
Because I never felt that way with my parents. I still don't. I can't trust them with my emotions. I muddled my way through my teen years because they weren't there for me.
And it's not just because they left me to cry in my crib. It was a childhood of thoughtless comments and strict, ever-changing rules, and lack of respect for me as an individual. Even as a kid, you are still an individual.
I want Bea to see me handle stress with grace.
And the parents definitely cause me stress.
****
If I don't make it back here in time:
To all you Americanos:
Have a peaceful, happy, and stress-less Thanksgiving.
To the rest of you:
Have a nice Thursday! ;)
It's my favorite holiday, ya know.
I could skip Christmas (and have, the year we went to Mexico).
I've got a free-range, never-frozen turkey sitting in my fridge (slaughtered, of course)
I've got print-outs of wheat- and dairy-free recipes in the kitchen.
The parents are on their way.
Uh oh. Screech. Halt. My parents.
Oh joy. Oh anxiety. Oh my utter lack of patience with all things parental.
I have been stressing all week about the coming criticisms.
Last time they were here, my dad sat and watched the baby cry right in front of him. For goodness sake, just pick her up.
He is always telling me what things I *have* to do with Beatriz (or to her).
"She needs to be in her own bed. She has to learn independence"
"If you want her to sleep, just give her a bottle, then you don't need to be there"
"She has to learn to cry"
To most of which I think "What the fuck? That doesn't make any sense" Then I think "Wow, I must have been a miserable baby" Then I realize I ought to say something, without being reactionary. Without it disintegrating.
I am afraid it is going to be a long week. When Bea was first born and my parents were here, it was ugly. The trip in July was marginally better. This is after 10 years of me really working on trying to understand and feel, not sympathy, but compassion?, for my parents. To understand where they come from and not to let where they are in life negatively affect me. And I just feel bullied by them. Well, mostly my dad, I suppose. My mom just doesn't listen or hear. And she is also going deaf (physically).
And Bea is just so darn cute. I am not sure they appreciate this. And I think she is happy. I think that counts as a positive for what Triple S and I are doing with her.
So much has changed in parenting since I was a kid. My mom didn't breastfeed my sister or me, and I don't think either of my parents were breastfed either. We were let to cry ourselves to sleep those first few nights, until we just gave up. We were to be seen and not heard. I don't remember my mom ever getting down on the floor and playing with us. In fact, she loves to proudly tell me that I loved being alone in my playpen and fought to get back in when my sister kicked me out (no wonder I am such a home-body).
I am consciously doing many things differently than the way I think my parents did it. And I hope to continue to do so. I am sure that I am making mistakes, and will make many more. I just don't aprreciate being criticized about it, almost as second-nature, without them even really thinking about what they are saying.
The big problem is, I don't want to fight with them about it. I don't want to be short with them, or to throw it in their faces that I think they did things wrong. I am sure they tried. Did the best they could with their resources.
I have been trying to come up with ready retorts.
I checked in with Triple S and he is happy with the way we are doing things.
I want Bea to feel safe, and secure, and to know that she can alwas come to us.
Because I never felt that way with my parents. I still don't. I can't trust them with my emotions. I muddled my way through my teen years because they weren't there for me.
And it's not just because they left me to cry in my crib. It was a childhood of thoughtless comments and strict, ever-changing rules, and lack of respect for me as an individual. Even as a kid, you are still an individual.
I want Bea to see me handle stress with grace.
And the parents definitely cause me stress.
****
If I don't make it back here in time:
To all you Americanos:
Have a peaceful, happy, and stress-less Thanksgiving.
To the rest of you:
Have a nice Thursday! ;)
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Etsy Contenders
Here are some ornament contenders. There's not much out there.
One person that I bought from last year is Bugaboo - she specifically does remembrance ornaments for dead babes.
I like the simplicity of this dove.
Or I could get these two similar ornaments, a butterfly and a baby's first (Sort of in the vein that Ang suggested).
Or maybe these simple frames.
Or maybe this copper butterfly for Serenity.
I'm not really in love with any of them. I am also waiting to see what Hallm3rk and Th1ngs Rememb3red come out with.
I had a hard time last year finding ornaments I liked on Etsy too. It's not a big market I guess.
One person that I bought from last year is Bugaboo - she specifically does remembrance ornaments for dead babes.
I like the simplicity of this dove.
Or I could get these two similar ornaments, a butterfly and a baby's first (Sort of in the vein that Ang suggested).
Or maybe these simple frames.
Or maybe this copper butterfly for Serenity.
I'm not really in love with any of them. I am also waiting to see what Hallm3rk and Th1ngs Rememb3red come out with.
I had a hard time last year finding ornaments I liked on Etsy too. It's not a big market I guess.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Etsy
Surfing Etsy tonight for two Christmas ornaments - one for Serenity and one for Beanie.
Vastly different sentiments.
Vastly different sentiments.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Memory
As I was nursing Beanie to sleep this afternoon, I started thinking back to my pregnancy with her. I can't remember much. I remember going to the chiropractor two times a week and, since I worked at home, wearing yoga pants most of the pregnancy. But those are facts, not feelings. I don't remember what my belly felt like, or what it felt like to carry her. I don't remember the feelings of her kicks.
With Serenity, the pregnancy is all I had. And I remembered and replayed so many of the details of the pregnancy in my mind. But even that seems to be fading too - I can still remember her kicks in the upper left of my stomach.
I guess this is what is 'supposed' to happen. You get so busy with the little babe, and everything changes all the time. You forget the pregnancy, the pain of labor, the difficulties in the early weeks. Otherwise, it's hard to have kids again. And I suppose that is what made Beanie's pregnancy difficult emotionally, that I remembered so much of Serenity's - especially how it went all so terribly wrong.
With Serenity, the pregnancy is all I had. And I remembered and replayed so many of the details of the pregnancy in my mind. But even that seems to be fading too - I can still remember her kicks in the upper left of my stomach.
I guess this is what is 'supposed' to happen. You get so busy with the little babe, and everything changes all the time. You forget the pregnancy, the pain of labor, the difficulties in the early weeks. Otherwise, it's hard to have kids again. And I suppose that is what made Beanie's pregnancy difficult emotionally, that I remembered so much of Serenity's - especially how it went all so terribly wrong.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Around the 'hood
Our block is pretty awesome kid-wise. Of the 30 or so houses, there's about a dozen kids, with about 7 four or under. We are always in someone's front yard - most everyone even has their toys in the front/side yards. Last night, a bunch of the kids and parents were out, the kids racing up and down the sidewalks as the parents talk. There were even kids from another block here (They know where the action is).
There was a new kid out, whom the one neighbor indentified as living on the corner. He was 10, 12 or so. All the other neighbors exclaimed that they had never seen him. I knew there was a guy and a Weimaraner in the house. The guy and the dog are out in the yard ALL the time. I have never seen the kid. And the neighbor confirmed that he lives there full time, just plays int he basement all the time, which has its windows heavily covered (with those rubber playmat thingies). No one could believe it. They have lived there for four (or two? - it's ont he Serenity timeline so who knows) years.
The kid did look very pale, especially considering it's the end of summer.
All I could wonder: did they suffer a death of a child? Or the mother? An accident? or a kidnapping?
This colors my world.
And I try not to be overly freaky about Beanie.
But it is going to happen.
There was a new kid out, whom the one neighbor indentified as living on the corner. He was 10, 12 or so. All the other neighbors exclaimed that they had never seen him. I knew there was a guy and a Weimaraner in the house. The guy and the dog are out in the yard ALL the time. I have never seen the kid. And the neighbor confirmed that he lives there full time, just plays int he basement all the time, which has its windows heavily covered (with those rubber playmat thingies). No one could believe it. They have lived there for four (or two? - it's ont he Serenity timeline so who knows) years.
The kid did look very pale, especially considering it's the end of summer.
All I could wonder: did they suffer a death of a child? Or the mother? An accident? or a kidnapping?
This colors my world.
And I try not to be overly freaky about Beanie.
But it is going to happen.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monthly post
It seems I am not posting that often....
I have been busy. My freelance business has been steady lately, so all of Beanie's naptime goes to mama making money, and, sadly, not blogging.
I am feeling much healthier lately too. I am going to the gym three days a week. I was going four, but Bea gets very fussy at the tot watch. The classes are timed during her nap or something. We stayed at home for a week, not going to the gym in the morning, and I tried to figure out what it is that she needs at 10 -11 am, and I don't actually exactly know! She's kinda fussy, kinda sleepy. Not hungry. So, I started back to the gym. I think she is getting better, she watches the other kids play more now. The other two days, one is for walking around the park and one is for running errands.
I've lost about 20 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. I'd like to loose another 15-17 lbs - hopefully I can do that over the winter.
I baked my first loaf of bread for the season. Fall is here! Fresh baked bread - not good for the weight-losing. But oh so yummy.
More so than just losing weight, I feel healthier. The chiropractic adjustments I get every three weeks are the main reason for that (this is down from 2x per week!!). My back has been really locked up for over a decade. I should have gotten chiro looong time ago. Who knew?!?!? I really couldn't exercise because I was in so much pain. Now I have much better range of motion. My back and hips feel stronger and more stable.
I am glad to say that I am off my meds from my post-partum psychosis. Yes, as if having a dead baby is not enough fun for a lifetime, I had a major post-partum episode after Beanie was born. I spent 3 or 4 days in the hospital, separated from my little girl, feeling rather traumatized.
Beanie is doing well and is the light of my life (sorry Triple S). She just turned six months last week. We took her for portraits - they turned out better than I expected!
After seeing Beanie's pictures, I decided that I want to get some pictures for Serenity's third birthday. We have a crystal butterfly - I was thinking to put that on a stand with three flowers, and have Beanie looking at it - not at the camera. Is that weird?
When I actually pause long enough to think about how old Serenity would be, it boggles my mind. A two-and-a-half year old? Wow. And then I think, when do I want to try for another? How close all these pregnancies have been/will maybe be. Then, I think, do I even want to risk trying for another. What if it doesn't happen, what if something bad happens. To even dare to think about it feels risky.
Beanie fascinates me. I just watch her, and most everything she does is *amazing*! I want her to feel loved and supported, but I guess I have to watch myself. I think this 'attachment parenting' stuff really works. I feel really attached to Bea!
Oh, wait, the kid is supposed to feel attached to me? Oh, it's the other way around? Hmph. Well, I have to say, I think it's working both ways. I have to tell you two things that she does now (they're *amazing*). When I come to her and put my hands out and say 'Come to mama?' She either waves her arms and kicks her legs really excitedly or just puts her hand up to me. I had no idea kids did this at six months, but the first time she responded like this I thought it was a fluke. But she keeps doing it - and I think it is just wonderful and cute and makes me feel loved. The other thing she does: When I pick her up, especially if she really really wants to be picked up, she throws her free arm around my neck and pulls in really tightly. If this isn't a hug, I don't know what is. I am totally addicted.
Next time, I'll post about what has me a bit bummed out. I write this not to tease, but to make me come back and post sooner rather than later....
I have been busy. My freelance business has been steady lately, so all of Beanie's naptime goes to mama making money, and, sadly, not blogging.
I am feeling much healthier lately too. I am going to the gym three days a week. I was going four, but Bea gets very fussy at the tot watch. The classes are timed during her nap or something. We stayed at home for a week, not going to the gym in the morning, and I tried to figure out what it is that she needs at 10 -11 am, and I don't actually exactly know! She's kinda fussy, kinda sleepy. Not hungry. So, I started back to the gym. I think she is getting better, she watches the other kids play more now. The other two days, one is for walking around the park and one is for running errands.
I've lost about 20 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. I'd like to loose another 15-17 lbs - hopefully I can do that over the winter.
I baked my first loaf of bread for the season. Fall is here! Fresh baked bread - not good for the weight-losing. But oh so yummy.
More so than just losing weight, I feel healthier. The chiropractic adjustments I get every three weeks are the main reason for that (this is down from 2x per week!!). My back has been really locked up for over a decade. I should have gotten chiro looong time ago. Who knew?!?!? I really couldn't exercise because I was in so much pain. Now I have much better range of motion. My back and hips feel stronger and more stable.
I am glad to say that I am off my meds from my post-partum psychosis. Yes, as if having a dead baby is not enough fun for a lifetime, I had a major post-partum episode after Beanie was born. I spent 3 or 4 days in the hospital, separated from my little girl, feeling rather traumatized.
Beanie is doing well and is the light of my life (sorry Triple S). She just turned six months last week. We took her for portraits - they turned out better than I expected!
After seeing Beanie's pictures, I decided that I want to get some pictures for Serenity's third birthday. We have a crystal butterfly - I was thinking to put that on a stand with three flowers, and have Beanie looking at it - not at the camera. Is that weird?
When I actually pause long enough to think about how old Serenity would be, it boggles my mind. A two-and-a-half year old? Wow. And then I think, when do I want to try for another? How close all these pregnancies have been/will maybe be. Then, I think, do I even want to risk trying for another. What if it doesn't happen, what if something bad happens. To even dare to think about it feels risky.
Beanie fascinates me. I just watch her, and most everything she does is *amazing*! I want her to feel loved and supported, but I guess I have to watch myself. I think this 'attachment parenting' stuff really works. I feel really attached to Bea!
Oh, wait, the kid is supposed to feel attached to me? Oh, it's the other way around? Hmph. Well, I have to say, I think it's working both ways. I have to tell you two things that she does now (they're *amazing*). When I come to her and put my hands out and say 'Come to mama?' She either waves her arms and kicks her legs really excitedly or just puts her hand up to me. I had no idea kids did this at six months, but the first time she responded like this I thought it was a fluke. But she keeps doing it - and I think it is just wonderful and cute and makes me feel loved. The other thing she does: When I pick her up, especially if she really really wants to be picked up, she throws her free arm around my neck and pulls in really tightly. If this isn't a hug, I don't know what is. I am totally addicted.
Next time, I'll post about what has me a bit bummed out. I write this not to tease, but to make me come back and post sooner rather than later....
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Worth 20 words
I was just looking at my most recent FaceBook profile pic.
I look happy.
It's a good look on me.
***
Inside is still a turmoil, at least at one point each day. The grief from missing Serenity, the grief from my hospitalization.
Regrets.
Today, I tried to think of something from over the course of my life that I do NOT regret. Something that I can think that I did right.
I can honestly say I do not regret never having tried drugs. I don't know exactly why I never did. I used to say that I was the one kid that the 'eggs in the frying pan' commercial worked on.
And after seeing how I reacted to the narcotics during Serenity's delivery and the steroids prior to Bea's induction, I'd say its a good thing I never tried drugs. It seems my system is so finely balanced, or perhaps precariously balanced on the edge, that I react quite badly to these types of drugs.
So that's one non-regret stacked up against a litany of regrets that plays on a loop in my head.
I look happy.
It's a good look on me.
***
Inside is still a turmoil, at least at one point each day. The grief from missing Serenity, the grief from my hospitalization.
Regrets.
Today, I tried to think of something from over the course of my life that I do NOT regret. Something that I can think that I did right.
I can honestly say I do not regret never having tried drugs. I don't know exactly why I never did. I used to say that I was the one kid that the 'eggs in the frying pan' commercial worked on.
And after seeing how I reacted to the narcotics during Serenity's delivery and the steroids prior to Bea's induction, I'd say its a good thing I never tried drugs. It seems my system is so finely balanced, or perhaps precariously balanced on the edge, that I react quite badly to these types of drugs.
So that's one non-regret stacked up against a litany of regrets that plays on a loop in my head.
Friday, August 6, 2010
If
2 1/2 Years.
Woulda. Coulda. Should be.
Bea is my calm after the storm. Much like I am here helping her to drift into sleep, she is there for me.
I can't imagine doing this without her. I don't know how I managed before she came safely into this world - through the grief, through the miscarriage, through the pregnancy.
My admiration to all of you still struggling to get your next baby.
It's not easy having a baby after such a devastating death. But it sure beats not having one when you want one.
I wanted to acknowledge you, my persevering sisters. I appreciate that you are still reading me. I am thankful that you can celebrate in my joy, but it must still bring pangs to your heart.
The look of utter peace on Bea's face while she sleeps, her chest rising and lowering, brings a little peace to my heart, mitigates my tears.
Woulda. Coulda. Should be.
Bea is my calm after the storm. Much like I am here helping her to drift into sleep, she is there for me.
I can't imagine doing this without her. I don't know how I managed before she came safely into this world - through the grief, through the miscarriage, through the pregnancy.
My admiration to all of you still struggling to get your next baby.
It's not easy having a baby after such a devastating death. But it sure beats not having one when you want one.
I wanted to acknowledge you, my persevering sisters. I appreciate that you are still reading me. I am thankful that you can celebrate in my joy, but it must still bring pangs to your heart.
The look of utter peace on Bea's face while she sleeps, her chest rising and lowering, brings a little peace to my heart, mitigates my tears.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Positive vs Negative
A few other dbm bloggers have been listing their positives each week or setting goals and updating their progress. I struggle to think of positive things in my life. Maybe I am hard-wired for the negative.
When I look back over my life, it is the negative things that I remember, that I feel have shaped who I am and the direction that my life took. It's the regrets that are burned into my memory more vividly, perhaps because I have replayed them so many times.
I don't want to teach Beanie to be so negative. I don't want her to be a cynic.
Now, sitting here today, playing with Beanie daily, I find it hard to be lighthearted. This is a trend that has developed over the last five or six years. This trend was only reinforced by two years of grief.
My laughs are sarcastic, sardonic, and mirthless, not hearty and robust or genuine.
I think I will try to re-train myself. I will focus on the positive. I will follow the good examples of Barb and Anna and Mrs. Spit, listing the positives and working toward goals.
It seems to me that the positive things are always so small, the minutia of daily life, while the negative things are the big deals. (A nice sunset vs, say, a dead baby) Do you think this is true or just my wiring?
When I look back over my life, it is the negative things that I remember, that I feel have shaped who I am and the direction that my life took. It's the regrets that are burned into my memory more vividly, perhaps because I have replayed them so many times.
I don't want to teach Beanie to be so negative. I don't want her to be a cynic.
Now, sitting here today, playing with Beanie daily, I find it hard to be lighthearted. This is a trend that has developed over the last five or six years. This trend was only reinforced by two years of grief.
My laughs are sarcastic, sardonic, and mirthless, not hearty and robust or genuine.
I think I will try to re-train myself. I will focus on the positive. I will follow the good examples of Barb and Anna and Mrs. Spit, listing the positives and working toward goals.
It seems to me that the positive things are always so small, the minutia of daily life, while the negative things are the big deals. (A nice sunset vs, say, a dead baby) Do you think this is true or just my wiring?
Monday, August 2, 2010
Stats
Baby:
4 mos
25 inches
15 lb 2 oz
75th percentile for length and weight
Mama:
um, lots of months
5'7"
153 lbs today, after lunch! This is four pounds less than I started Serenity's pregnancy. I haven't weighed this for probably four years. It's feeling pretty good losing this weight. I am losing at least a pound a week.
Bea and I went to the Y today. I had to leave her at the tot watch. It was hard. Hard. I never thought (at least before Serenity) that I would be *that* overprotective mother. But here I am, finding it difficult to leave her upstairs with a bunch of strangers while I am in the pool.
But when I went up after my swim, there she was, sitting in a lady's lap, looking intently at the other kids. This social time is good for her.
Tomorrow we will go to the tots open gym. She might do some tummy time, a lot of baby watching and mama hopefully will get to social with other new moms. I really am hoping to find other SAHMs in the neighborhood, which just hasn't happened on our walks around the park.
Letting go...
4 mos
25 inches
15 lb 2 oz
75th percentile for length and weight
Mama:
um, lots of months
5'7"
153 lbs today, after lunch! This is four pounds less than I started Serenity's pregnancy. I haven't weighed this for probably four years. It's feeling pretty good losing this weight. I am losing at least a pound a week.
Bea and I went to the Y today. I had to leave her at the tot watch. It was hard. Hard. I never thought (at least before Serenity) that I would be *that* overprotective mother. But here I am, finding it difficult to leave her upstairs with a bunch of strangers while I am in the pool.
But when I went up after my swim, there she was, sitting in a lady's lap, looking intently at the other kids. This social time is good for her.
Tomorrow we will go to the tots open gym. She might do some tummy time, a lot of baby watching and mama hopefully will get to social with other new moms. I really am hoping to find other SAHMs in the neighborhood, which just hasn't happened on our walks around the park.
Letting go...
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Wonderings
When I am nursing Beanie, and she is all settled down and calm and chugging away, I wonder:
What is she thinking?
Is she thinking of the taste of my milk?
Is she thinking about her day?
Is she thinking about the book I read to her?
Is she even aware of her thoughts?
Maybe one day soon I will be able to ask her these things and she can answer me.
Sorry my posts all seem to be about me nursing, but it is how I spend a significant amount of my day - and one of the only times I have a chance to think!
What is she thinking?
Is she thinking of the taste of my milk?
Is she thinking about her day?
Is she thinking about the book I read to her?
Is she even aware of her thoughts?
Maybe one day soon I will be able to ask her these things and she can answer me.
Sorry my posts all seem to be about me nursing, but it is how I spend a significant amount of my day - and one of the only times I have a chance to think!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
This and That
I just had a 'nursing dream'**. I was an old woman with Alzheimer's. Beatriz walked into the room and I called her Serenity. With a look of resignation, she said yes, after so many times of telling me "No, mom, it's Beatriz". I just broke down and cried, so relieved to finally get to see my Serenity.
***
As I was nursing Beanie, I was thinking about how Serenity's birth is fading from my memory. I never faced my memories of her birth in order to write them here on the blog. But I had written down every detail I could remember shortly after her death. Coming out to the living room after enticing Beanie to sleep, I found the journal. I had started writing down the story from Friday, the day before I think she died. I had stopped writing Wednesday morning, just after the doctor came in, checked me, and told me I could start pushing. So no birth story.
Triple S had also typed up his version. I think his version is more about the actual birth. So maybe we have the whole story between the two of us.
I think I should type up my story and combine it with Triple S', or maybe try to finish my version, which will end up now less detailed. Then I want to print it out. And I want to print out my blog (if anyone knows the easy way to do this from blogger, please let me know). I am going to put everything into a binder then. I know it will forever be on the internet somewhere, but there is nothing quite like paper and ink.
***
Triple S is at a business conference this week. It has given me time to think.
I've never been known for my great memory. Today, I talked with my MIL and she can't remember the details of when Triple S was a baby. I worry that I will forget. I look at Beanie, and close my eyes and try to picture her face in my mind, but honestly, I really can't. I guess I don't have a photographic memory. At least we have pictures of her.
I never studied Serenity's face. This is my second biggest regret. I wish I had looked at her, taken pictures of her, touched and held her more. But as I held her, I could feel the temperature of her body growing cold. It was more than I could withstand. Plus, for some reason, I felt that it must be a rush to get the body autopsied. I feared if we waited, they wouldn't be able to figure out why she died. I later found out that the autopsy defiently did not happen right away. And her death remains unexplained. I squandered the little time we could have had with her.
***
I asked Beanie today why she chose us. Is she a gentle soul, and upon seeing our broken hearts thought that she could take care of us?
**Nursing dream - a dream, maybe a daydream, that occurs while in that drowsy, hormone-induced, snoozy state that accompanies side-lying nursing.
***
As I was nursing Beanie, I was thinking about how Serenity's birth is fading from my memory. I never faced my memories of her birth in order to write them here on the blog. But I had written down every detail I could remember shortly after her death. Coming out to the living room after enticing Beanie to sleep, I found the journal. I had started writing down the story from Friday, the day before I think she died. I had stopped writing Wednesday morning, just after the doctor came in, checked me, and told me I could start pushing. So no birth story.
Triple S had also typed up his version. I think his version is more about the actual birth. So maybe we have the whole story between the two of us.
I think I should type up my story and combine it with Triple S', or maybe try to finish my version, which will end up now less detailed. Then I want to print it out. And I want to print out my blog (if anyone knows the easy way to do this from blogger, please let me know). I am going to put everything into a binder then. I know it will forever be on the internet somewhere, but there is nothing quite like paper and ink.
***
Triple S is at a business conference this week. It has given me time to think.
I've never been known for my great memory. Today, I talked with my MIL and she can't remember the details of when Triple S was a baby. I worry that I will forget. I look at Beanie, and close my eyes and try to picture her face in my mind, but honestly, I really can't. I guess I don't have a photographic memory. At least we have pictures of her.
I never studied Serenity's face. This is my second biggest regret. I wish I had looked at her, taken pictures of her, touched and held her more. But as I held her, I could feel the temperature of her body growing cold. It was more than I could withstand. Plus, for some reason, I felt that it must be a rush to get the body autopsied. I feared if we waited, they wouldn't be able to figure out why she died. I later found out that the autopsy defiently did not happen right away. And her death remains unexplained. I squandered the little time we could have had with her.
***
I asked Beanie today why she chose us. Is she a gentle soul, and upon seeing our broken hearts thought that she could take care of us?
**Nursing dream - a dream, maybe a daydream, that occurs while in that drowsy, hormone-induced, snoozy state that accompanies side-lying nursing.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Baby Photos by the Month
These are pictures of Beanie as each month has passed by:
Eight Days
One Month
Two Months
Three Months
Four Months
Please share in my joy. She makes each day doable.
Eight Days
One Month
Two Months
Three Months
Four MonthsPlease share in my joy. She makes each day doable.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Letting Go
As I was catching up on others' posts, I read that having children is about letting them go.
It's been two years and five months since Serenity died. These last five months I am letting Serenity go more and more. As the strangle-hold that grief has on me slowly slackens, I am also able to let the memory of Serenity come and go without pangs of dread, deep sorrow, or guilt. I think of her, but the thoughts are not so intrusive or gut-wrenching as they once were.
Even though Serenity is dead, I still have to practice this truism of parenting. I must let her go off on her own.
It's been two years and five months since Serenity died. These last five months I am letting Serenity go more and more. As the strangle-hold that grief has on me slowly slackens, I am also able to let the memory of Serenity come and go without pangs of dread, deep sorrow, or guilt. I think of her, but the thoughts are not so intrusive or gut-wrenching as they once were.
Even though Serenity is dead, I still have to practice this truism of parenting. I must let her go off on her own.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Out of shape
I feel like I am out of blogging shape! What to say? Where to start?
How about another kind of out of shape?
I am losing weight. This is definitely something I don't talk about IRL! I hate being out of shape!
Right now I am the weight at which I started Serenity's pregnancy. I never could lose the weight after Serenity's death - just too much else going on and eating way too much.
Now I am eating healthfully. I want to be a good example for Beanie, so I better get it right before she notices my bad habits and sedentary life.
I think the biggest thing that has made a difference is cutting out dairy. I am a total addict and love rich, fatty whole-milk yogurt and cheese, cheese cheese! Milk seemed to bother my stomach during the last third of Bea's pregnancy, so I stopped drinking milk, but was still eating yogurt and hard cheeses (thinking it was the lactose). But Bea has really bad spit up and I thought maybe I should really cut out dairy. Much to dh's surprise, that even includes butter. Yes, dear, really. No, dear, it's not a good idea to buy Julia Child's cookbook (we just saw Julie & Julia - the infertility parts were very nicely done) since everything uses ample amounts of butter and cream is right up there too.
I just realized last night (maybe two-three weeks after dairy-free) that Bea's cradle cap is gone. The spit up also seems better. And the eczema I have had for 15 years is lessening. I guess I should have cut out dairy when I cut out wheat, way back in '98...
The other thing I am doing that is helping me shed pounds is walking. Well, haven't gone yet this week due to other commitments and the fact that it is blazing hot out and thunderstorming IN THE MORNING! But, most days Bea, the mutt, and I go for a two-mile stroll around our nearby park. We walk by the pavilion where we had Serenity's memorial service. Seeing it produces a small pang, which is mitigated by knowing that summer concerts are held there, during which the place teems with life.
I think I should go to the YMCA on these warm days. But I just don't want to leave Bea at the tot watch! I'd be running up the stairs every 10 min.
I want to lose at least 15, maybe even 20, more pounds. And I want to do it before next July. I think I can, with the help of breastfeeding. Send me willpower!
How about another kind of out of shape?
I am losing weight. This is definitely something I don't talk about IRL! I hate being out of shape!
Right now I am the weight at which I started Serenity's pregnancy. I never could lose the weight after Serenity's death - just too much else going on and eating way too much.
Now I am eating healthfully. I want to be a good example for Beanie, so I better get it right before she notices my bad habits and sedentary life.
I think the biggest thing that has made a difference is cutting out dairy. I am a total addict and love rich, fatty whole-milk yogurt and cheese, cheese cheese! Milk seemed to bother my stomach during the last third of Bea's pregnancy, so I stopped drinking milk, but was still eating yogurt and hard cheeses (thinking it was the lactose). But Bea has really bad spit up and I thought maybe I should really cut out dairy. Much to dh's surprise, that even includes butter. Yes, dear, really. No, dear, it's not a good idea to buy Julia Child's cookbook (we just saw Julie & Julia - the infertility parts were very nicely done) since everything uses ample amounts of butter and cream is right up there too.
I just realized last night (maybe two-three weeks after dairy-free) that Bea's cradle cap is gone. The spit up also seems better. And the eczema I have had for 15 years is lessening. I guess I should have cut out dairy when I cut out wheat, way back in '98...
The other thing I am doing that is helping me shed pounds is walking. Well, haven't gone yet this week due to other commitments and the fact that it is blazing hot out and thunderstorming IN THE MORNING! But, most days Bea, the mutt, and I go for a two-mile stroll around our nearby park. We walk by the pavilion where we had Serenity's memorial service. Seeing it produces a small pang, which is mitigated by knowing that summer concerts are held there, during which the place teems with life.
I think I should go to the YMCA on these warm days. But I just don't want to leave Bea at the tot watch! I'd be running up the stairs every 10 min.
I want to lose at least 15, maybe even 20, more pounds. And I want to do it before next July. I think I can, with the help of breastfeeding. Send me willpower!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I've decided...
That it's time to come back.
I miss you gals (and guys).
Bea turned four months today. I think I can swing the time for myself to blog again.
This blog might not be the same. But it's still me. If you can't follow, I understand, but I'll miss you.
Now, reading other blogs. Maybe I'll even have time for that.
There is so much I want to write. About what happened ~10 days postpartum. About life now. About more of my life, not just my grief.
And my grief has changed. A few months into this misadventure, I remember reading that grief lasts two years. I am past that mark - and it is different. Of course, one key thing also changed in the same time period: Bea made it here safely.
Bea, herself, does make me happy. I am happy being a (mostly) full-time mom. I am happy cleaning my house (after I came to the realization last week that I clean my house for me, because no one else seems to notice when it is dirty). I am happy taking walks every morning around 8 with a stroller and a mutt, even when it is 90 pushing 1000 with a relative humidity of 'what the hell are you doing outside in this weather.' I think I may have found my groove (or at least a new groove than the old groove).
So, dear readers, be forewarned: I am back. With my co-author Beanie Bea.
I miss you gals (and guys).
Bea turned four months today. I think I can swing the time for myself to blog again.
This blog might not be the same. But it's still me. If you can't follow, I understand, but I'll miss you.
Now, reading other blogs. Maybe I'll even have time for that.
There is so much I want to write. About what happened ~10 days postpartum. About life now. About more of my life, not just my grief.
And my grief has changed. A few months into this misadventure, I remember reading that grief lasts two years. I am past that mark - and it is different. Of course, one key thing also changed in the same time period: Bea made it here safely.
Bea, herself, does make me happy. I am happy being a (mostly) full-time mom. I am happy cleaning my house (after I came to the realization last week that I clean my house for me, because no one else seems to notice when it is dirty). I am happy taking walks every morning around 8 with a stroller and a mutt, even when it is 90 pushing 1000 with a relative humidity of 'what the hell are you doing outside in this weather.' I think I may have found my groove (or at least a new groove than the old groove).
So, dear readers, be forewarned: I am back. With my co-author Beanie Bea.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day
Serenity's face is fading from my memory.
I try to hold on to the details. To the overall.
It slips away still.
I try to hold in my mind the differences between the sisters.
But those distinctions are illusive to me.
Bea fills my heart and my time, yet thoughts of Serenity remain. I miss her more and more, never less.
***
I wish you all peace, love and goodness this day. And remember, you are all goodness.
I try to hold on to the details. To the overall.
It slips away still.
I try to hold in my mind the differences between the sisters.
But those distinctions are illusive to me.
Bea fills my heart and my time, yet thoughts of Serenity remain. I miss her more and more, never less.
***
I wish you all peace, love and goodness this day. And remember, you are all goodness.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
huh?
what day is it? what month? still April?
oh.
whoa.
it's been a bit busy here. But everything is going well. Bea is fine and getting even bigger cheeks.
The plan is, I will take a picture of her in her bouncy seat on Thursday, before the end of her third week. In theory, I have a whole 24 hours to accomplish this one task. If the photo is successfully taken, the bonus task is to post it here with an earlier picture in her bouncy seat. HAHAHAHA.
Just remember, there is no promised deadline for the posting of the picture.....
I miss my blog time, that's for sure. I spend a bit more time on FaceBook, so if you really really miss me, find me there!
And if you have some wonderful news, please email me. I have had NO time to read anyone's blogs. I have several people in mind that I hope are pregnant! I think all the babies that I knew about are here.... Hm. Maybe.
oh.
whoa.
it's been a bit busy here. But everything is going well. Bea is fine and getting even bigger cheeks.
The plan is, I will take a picture of her in her bouncy seat on Thursday, before the end of her third week. In theory, I have a whole 24 hours to accomplish this one task. If the photo is successfully taken, the bonus task is to post it here with an earlier picture in her bouncy seat. HAHAHAHA.
Just remember, there is no promised deadline for the posting of the picture.....
I miss my blog time, that's for sure. I spend a bit more time on FaceBook, so if you really really miss me, find me there!
And if you have some wonderful news, please email me. I have had NO time to read anyone's blogs. I have several people in mind that I hope are pregnant! I think all the babies that I knew about are here.... Hm. Maybe.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Risparadol
Anyone know anything about Risparadone and breastfeeding?
Doc said it's safe and i can pump and dump if I wanted but it seemed that I did not NEED to.
It's hard to sleep all night, so I BFd about 4 hours after bedtime dose - i didnt feel too drowsy anymore.
I have to ask my pedicatrician now and will also ask LC.
many thanks in advance
Doc said it's safe and i can pump and dump if I wanted but it seemed that I did not NEED to.
It's hard to sleep all night, so I BFd about 4 hours after bedtime dose - i didnt feel too drowsy anymore.
I have to ask my pedicatrician now and will also ask LC.
many thanks in advance
Sunday, April 4, 2010
I am back home
I got discharged from the hospital yesterday (yipee) and reunited with my baby.
Bea wasn't allowed to visit cause of germs at the hospital. Which was a good precaution, because the entire division staff was passing around a 24-h stomach flu. I was the paranoid lady with wet wipes. But not sick!!
Hopitla was traumatic experience all the way around. Maybe will tell you all about it later, but probably just let that water flow under the bridge becuase I have much more iportant things to do and think about.
I dont think I told ya'll that we had four days of steriods (dexamethasone) to help mature B's lungs pre-induction (and moved inducation back one day). Turns out, moms can react to the steroids ONE WEEK later, seemingly out of the blue. This appears to be what happened to me - I had an emotional and mental reaction to hte combination of the steroids before birth and the lack of sleep. The hospital fixed me all up and npw I have one medication to take for a few months.
My friend did a search of pubmed (god, i love having scientist friends, and being a scientist myself) and found some literature on this phenom. So, if someone needs to take steroids, email me at that time and I will forward the paper(s) (dont have them yet).
The hospital was unable to get me a breast pump for a few days (wrong ward - lots of confusion; no one's fault), so breastfeeding is a bit mixed up right now. Plus, I want to wait at leat 4 hours after taking my sleeping pill to feed. My mom is doing two-three feedings with formula. Right now they are both dozing on the couch. I apprecaite the quiet time beacuse I really needed to write here in my space and know that my dbms are out there in the interents. I am feeling much more relaxed now.
So, what advice on reestablishing BFing? We had only just got the hang of it and my milk was established. Now it is low, but not gone. B is a bit hard on my nipples, let's say that is nipple ocnfusion. I am nursing constatnly now, hopefully that will get milk flowing again.
My old school paretns are driving me crazy. My mom did not BF, but my MIL did - she is my go-to-BF person. But my dad wants to quantitate my breast milk by pumping and then measuring!!! ARGH! He needs a project to get him out of my hair.
ok more later, i have som much i need to get out and express and process. but now, i here some little tiger grunting and must MUST go take a shower.
xo
a
Bea wasn't allowed to visit cause of germs at the hospital. Which was a good precaution, because the entire division staff was passing around a 24-h stomach flu. I was the paranoid lady with wet wipes. But not sick!!
Hopitla was traumatic experience all the way around. Maybe will tell you all about it later, but probably just let that water flow under the bridge becuase I have much more iportant things to do and think about.
I dont think I told ya'll that we had four days of steriods (dexamethasone) to help mature B's lungs pre-induction (and moved inducation back one day). Turns out, moms can react to the steroids ONE WEEK later, seemingly out of the blue. This appears to be what happened to me - I had an emotional and mental reaction to hte combination of the steroids before birth and the lack of sleep. The hospital fixed me all up and npw I have one medication to take for a few months.
My friend did a search of pubmed (god, i love having scientist friends, and being a scientist myself) and found some literature on this phenom. So, if someone needs to take steroids, email me at that time and I will forward the paper(s) (dont have them yet).
The hospital was unable to get me a breast pump for a few days (wrong ward - lots of confusion; no one's fault), so breastfeeding is a bit mixed up right now. Plus, I want to wait at leat 4 hours after taking my sleeping pill to feed. My mom is doing two-three feedings with formula. Right now they are both dozing on the couch. I apprecaite the quiet time beacuse I really needed to write here in my space and know that my dbms are out there in the interents. I am feeling much more relaxed now.
So, what advice on reestablishing BFing? We had only just got the hang of it and my milk was established. Now it is low, but not gone. B is a bit hard on my nipples, let's say that is nipple ocnfusion. I am nursing constatnly now, hopefully that will get milk flowing again.
My old school paretns are driving me crazy. My mom did not BF, but my MIL did - she is my go-to-BF person. But my dad wants to quantitate my breast milk by pumping and then measuring!!! ARGH! He needs a project to get him out of my hair.
ok more later, i have som much i need to get out and express and process. but now, i here some little tiger grunting and must MUST go take a shower.
xo
a
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Notice
plz dont use yahoo account anymore. it's f'd
use @mac acct that is being disseminated privately, spearheaded by the ever-organized and completely wonderful Mrs. Spit.
Thank you in advance Mrs. Spit!
And, please don't email me until another memo goes out. I am currently inundated and we all will catch up.
Fingers crossed for all you.
use @mac acct that is being disseminated privately, spearheaded by the ever-organized and completely wonderful Mrs. Spit.
Thank you in advance Mrs. Spit!
And, please don't email me until another memo goes out. I am currently inundated and we all will catch up.
Fingers crossed for all you.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Sisters
Wherever you are now Serenity, thank you, darling, for watching over and protecting your little sister, Beatriz.
xoxo
mama
xoxo
mama
Monday, March 22, 2010
Best $50 ever spent
We had an ER call to a lactation consultant Sunday. She came today at 9 am. Everything is now calm here.
When mama is happy, everyone is happy.
Take a class, read a book, but you really need that baby and that lady willing to grab your boob and shove your baby's head into it to understand how this whole thing works.
It takes a village... now we just have to pay for it in our society. Me, product of the advanced 70s, never breastfed, so my mom wouldn't be able to help.... how did we get here as a society?
When mama is happy, everyone is happy.
Take a class, read a book, but you really need that baby and that lady willing to grab your boob and shove your baby's head into it to understand how this whole thing works.
It takes a village... now we just have to pay for it in our society. Me, product of the advanced 70s, never breastfed, so my mom wouldn't be able to help.... how did we get here as a society?
Beatriz esta aqui!
I am so happy and relieved to tell you that Serenity's little sister is here safe and sound. A little jaundiced, so the doc had us supplementing with formula, which was really stressful and making me a crazy postpartum mom.
we were having difficulty with latching on, but apparently that was because I didn't get little Bea's memo that she was not planning on breastfeeding until March 22, as she finally did it at 12 this morning. I have not slept a wink since then (or much before that) but everything feels ok now that we got that working. I felt like everything was coming down around me before then and that she was going to die because we were screwing up the feeding and she was jaundiced and spiraling so forth and so on.
So, now I am much relieved and I hope today will go easier. I finally figured out that Triple S and I need to ask for help, so I have sent out a local request. Duh, it sounds so easy and everyone tells you to ask for anything they can do , but we are self-reliant, perhaps to a fault, and I really have never had to ask for help before. Hope it helps.
So anyway, with the BF hopefully continuing to go ok and some help on the way - I should be able to freakin get a picture up.
And I want to clearly say 'thank you' to all of you here in the internets for helping get my darling, precious daughter here alive, kicking, crying, and warm. "She's warm" was the first thing I said when they laid her on my chest at birth. I could not have done it without knowing you all, having our community of support, and knowing you were there.
Much love,
Anita
we were having difficulty with latching on, but apparently that was because I didn't get little Bea's memo that she was not planning on breastfeeding until March 22, as she finally did it at 12 this morning. I have not slept a wink since then (or much before that) but everything feels ok now that we got that working. I felt like everything was coming down around me before then and that she was going to die because we were screwing up the feeding and she was jaundiced and spiraling so forth and so on.
So, now I am much relieved and I hope today will go easier. I finally figured out that Triple S and I need to ask for help, so I have sent out a local request. Duh, it sounds so easy and everyone tells you to ask for anything they can do , but we are self-reliant, perhaps to a fault, and I really have never had to ask for help before. Hope it helps.
So anyway, with the BF hopefully continuing to go ok and some help on the way - I should be able to freakin get a picture up.
And I want to clearly say 'thank you' to all of you here in the internets for helping get my darling, precious daughter here alive, kicking, crying, and warm. "She's warm" was the first thing I said when they laid her on my chest at birth. I could not have done it without knowing you all, having our community of support, and knowing you were there.
Much love,
Anita
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Getting...
Got amnio...
Got acupuncture.
Getting chiro today.
Getting a haircut (where does all this hair come from?).
Getting amnio results - still a bit immature, so
Waiting for two more results.
Getting rescheduled to Thursday am.
NOT getting our crib yet - it is stuck in Chile. I suppose shipping in food and water might be a bit more important. Got two dressers. And they are some how full already, even though all these baby clothes are rather small.
Still got freelance work to do. Why now? Why not in, oh, say, January?
My patience is just fine.
Just waiting. And telling lil' B which way the exit is.
And we can't wait to meet her.
Got acupuncture.
Getting chiro today.
Getting a haircut (where does all this hair come from?).
Getting amnio results - still a bit immature, so
Waiting for two more results.
Getting rescheduled to Thursday am.
NOT getting our crib yet - it is stuck in Chile. I suppose shipping in food and water might be a bit more important. Got two dressers. And they are some how full already, even though all these baby clothes are rather small.
Still got freelance work to do. Why now? Why not in, oh, say, January?
My patience is just fine.
Just waiting. And telling lil' B which way the exit is.
And we can't wait to meet her.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
That's a month from now...
Amnio set for 3/15.
Induction? 3/17?
Beanie passed her BioPhysical Profile in about 2 min. She was moving around (even though she was in what I call 'sleep', at least for her) and she was 'breathing'. She's also head down.
So, I guess I should stay sane for another week.
Induction? 3/17?
Beanie passed her BioPhysical Profile in about 2 min. She was moving around (even though she was in what I call 'sleep', at least for her) and she was 'breathing'. She's also head down.
So, I guess I should stay sane for another week.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
In my belly
There is an MMA fight going on in my belly. And I am the opponent.
Kicking, punching, wrestling. You name it.
And the little bean slept through most of her first NST. We are now on weekly appointments.
And that 37 week deadline is getting really close, like less than 6 weeks. Man, I better get the house around! Just waiting for nursery furniture.
And, I think I am letting go of Serenity's delivery date as a big thing. We did bake a cake, and thought about her more than normal, but really, she is only ever a half-a-thought away. I guess that having the pain spread out more evenly amongst 365 days is an acceptable thing...
Kicking, punching, wrestling. You name it.
And the little bean slept through most of her first NST. We are now on weekly appointments.
And that 37 week deadline is getting really close, like less than 6 weeks. Man, I better get the house around! Just waiting for nursery furniture.
And, I think I am letting go of Serenity's delivery date as a big thing. We did bake a cake, and thought about her more than normal, but really, she is only ever a half-a-thought away. I guess that having the pain spread out more evenly amongst 365 days is an acceptable thing...
Saturday, February 6, 2010
2/6/10
What does one do two years to the date of the delivery of your already dead daughter?
Is it really a day different from any other?
The missing is there every day.
Perhaps today the regret that things didn't go differently is more in the forefront.
So far, we've slept in, I skipped work, and we ate breakfast. I am choosing a cake recipe and we will go to the gym.
Where is the wailing and gnashing of teeth?
I have a feeling that no one is going to really acknowledge this day. My MIL already emailed me today and made no mention, and she was the one that I thought would. Therefore, I guess it is only my mind that holds onto these dates.
There will be (ok, is) crying, and aching, and talking to beanie.
Because I can't even imagine what a two-year-old Serenity would look or act like.
Is it really a day different from any other?
The missing is there every day.
Perhaps today the regret that things didn't go differently is more in the forefront.
So far, we've slept in, I skipped work, and we ate breakfast. I am choosing a cake recipe and we will go to the gym.
Where is the wailing and gnashing of teeth?
I have a feeling that no one is going to really acknowledge this day. My MIL already emailed me today and made no mention, and she was the one that I thought would. Therefore, I guess it is only my mind that holds onto these dates.
There will be (ok, is) crying, and aching, and talking to beanie.
Because I can't even imagine what a two-year-old Serenity would look or act like.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
it approaches
February 6th.
I took off the day at work.
So far, that is the only plan.
I guess we'll bake something.
Two years.
Lacking
Missing
Aching
Hurting
Healing
Loving
I took off the day at work.
So far, that is the only plan.
I guess we'll bake something.
Two years.
Lacking
Missing
Aching
Hurting
Healing
Loving
Monday, February 1, 2010
Incubating
Hm, seems to be time for my monthly post.
I just haven't been on the blogs recently, and that goes doubly for mine. I think of things to write, but don't get to it. I am on the computer, but busy. Researching this or that product, or more likely, my latest worry. I have made an online shopping list of things to buy Beanie once she gets her little buns out here.
Lots of doctors appointments. Those last 3 or 4 days before the two week appts. are tough. Next week we start weeklies and NSTs.
Been busy going to the pool and baking lots of desserts. I hadn't gained any weight for 3 weeks, and at one of the appts. the nurse said something about it, then I started worrying. I couldn't understand how I could finish a whole batch of toll house cookies in less than 5 days and not gain any weight!
At the u/s last week, the bean had gained 1.5 pounds (at 3 lbs 10 oz she is in the 78th growth percentile), but the net gain of the mothering unit was still zero. Guess it's all that pool working out with the seniors.
I am also sewing little bean outfits. A new thing for me. I am a quilter, because quilts are sewn with straight lines. This tiny clothing thing is a different story. I can't wait until beanie is here to model them for you gals! I am being superstitious and not taking photos of empty outfits to show off. I am making mostly summer sundress type things.
Everyone IRL asks if we've got a named picked out, I say yes, and they look like they are waiting for soemthing. Well, it's secret. And they don't know that Triple S and I call her beanie or xiao do zi or habichuelita. Those are our names (well, and of course I share them with you-who-get-it!!!).
Lots of the old ladies at the pool ask me if this is my first, and I tell them no, my first daughter died. I just can't deny her and I really don't want to here all the 'wait until this' that comes with a 'first' pregnancy.
Then, last week on Wed, I am getting into the pool and the one lady says
"Where's your daughter today?" Good thing I was holding onto the hand rail.
"Um, my daughter is dead."
"No." (Um, yeah, are you going to argue with me?)
"I guess you are thinking of the other pregnant lady that often comes in here around this time with her little girl?" (Yes, there is another lady, pregnant, with a daughter somewhere around two. That so is not me, but, in another universe, it could be.)
THEN, on Friday, one of the other ladies asks, pointedly looking at my big ol belly:
"Aren't you the one with all those kids"
Huh?
Now, the lady from Wednesday: "No, no you are thinking of the lady that used to come, last semester."
Apparently no one really pays any attention.
***
Serenity is constantly on my mind, the bean is constantly on my mind. But I don't talk about much to anyone.
I am pretty calm, all things considered. Just living in a place of hope and preparation. Triple S is ready to install the car seat the next day that we get warmish weather. He detailed the back of my car yesterday (not the front, that's 'my' mess and 'beanie won't be up there. I am only cleaning the car for beanie'. Hm, I see where I rank).
We are getting the house cleaned up, since it's been a bit disorganized for the last two years. I cleaned out our bathroom closet, throwing out drugs from 2007. I am working on the taxes.
Basically, just incubating away here.
I just haven't been on the blogs recently, and that goes doubly for mine. I think of things to write, but don't get to it. I am on the computer, but busy. Researching this or that product, or more likely, my latest worry. I have made an online shopping list of things to buy Beanie once she gets her little buns out here.
Lots of doctors appointments. Those last 3 or 4 days before the two week appts. are tough. Next week we start weeklies and NSTs.
Been busy going to the pool and baking lots of desserts. I hadn't gained any weight for 3 weeks, and at one of the appts. the nurse said something about it, then I started worrying. I couldn't understand how I could finish a whole batch of toll house cookies in less than 5 days and not gain any weight!
At the u/s last week, the bean had gained 1.5 pounds (at 3 lbs 10 oz she is in the 78th growth percentile), but the net gain of the mothering unit was still zero. Guess it's all that pool working out with the seniors.
I am also sewing little bean outfits. A new thing for me. I am a quilter, because quilts are sewn with straight lines. This tiny clothing thing is a different story. I can't wait until beanie is here to model them for you gals! I am being superstitious and not taking photos of empty outfits to show off. I am making mostly summer sundress type things.
Everyone IRL asks if we've got a named picked out, I say yes, and they look like they are waiting for soemthing. Well, it's secret. And they don't know that Triple S and I call her beanie or xiao do zi or habichuelita. Those are our names (well, and of course I share them with you-who-get-it!!!).
Lots of the old ladies at the pool ask me if this is my first, and I tell them no, my first daughter died. I just can't deny her and I really don't want to here all the 'wait until this' that comes with a 'first' pregnancy.
Then, last week on Wed, I am getting into the pool and the one lady says
"Where's your daughter today?" Good thing I was holding onto the hand rail.
"Um, my daughter is dead."
"No." (Um, yeah, are you going to argue with me?)
"I guess you are thinking of the other pregnant lady that often comes in here around this time with her little girl?" (Yes, there is another lady, pregnant, with a daughter somewhere around two. That so is not me, but, in another universe, it could be.)
THEN, on Friday, one of the other ladies asks, pointedly looking at my big ol belly:
"Aren't you the one with all those kids"
Huh?
Now, the lady from Wednesday: "No, no you are thinking of the lady that used to come, last semester."
Apparently no one really pays any attention.
***
Serenity is constantly on my mind, the bean is constantly on my mind. But I don't talk about much to anyone.
I am pretty calm, all things considered. Just living in a place of hope and preparation. Triple S is ready to install the car seat the next day that we get warmish weather. He detailed the back of my car yesterday (not the front, that's 'my' mess and 'beanie won't be up there. I am only cleaning the car for beanie'. Hm, I see where I rank).
We are getting the house cleaned up, since it's been a bit disorganized for the last two years. I cleaned out our bathroom closet, throwing out drugs from 2007. I am working on the taxes.
Basically, just incubating away here.
Monday, January 4, 2010
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