It is snowing

It is snowing - these big, clunky, slow-falling snowflakes. I think it is a good excuse not to go to the gym. Oh, but I should go to the gym. Maybe later.

I haven't been posting much. I don't know why. I feel less dependent on extracting negative emotions. Was I co-dependent on my blog and my commentors before??

Sometimes I wonder if Triple S and I are codependent. Ok, I have never really understood this term, but Triple S and I like to be together. We like to be around each other. We often talk around lunch time. Well, if it is a psychaological problem, too bad, I like it.

The funny thing is how Triple S reacts to his Saturdays lately. For five years, he worked most Saturdays, at least through noon, sometimes until 3, at the lab. Since I was no longer in grad school, I was rather enjoying NOT working on Saturdays (and most Sunday mornings for that matter). I putzed around the house, cleaned, did laundry, gardened, etc. Basically, most of the house chores that nobody had time to do through the week (considering I usually didn't get home from work until after 7!). On those rare Saturdays when Triple S would stay home, he mostly disrupted my routine and kinda drove me crazy.

Since Triple S started his new fellowship, he doesn't work Saturdays anymore, although sometiems he studies at home. But, now I work on Saturdays (ah, the price you pay to work just two days a week). Recently, he has been getting a bit mopey about Saturday. He usually has a list of chores, goes to the gym, watches soccer (while folding laundry - that's the deal around here!), and generally has what I would think is a perfectly fine putzy kinda lazy Saturday.

See, this is why I wonder if we are totally too dependent on each other.

I am home alone four days a week. And I love it. I work (I really try to work about two to four hours a day when I have projects in). If I don't have a freelance job, I bake, clean the house, sew, scrapbook (for the winter at least - it's all about gardening in the summer), read a book, go to the gym, run errands. Sometimes I do get bored. About 3 in the afternoon, I am ready for Triple S to come home. I don't cry like I used to. I think the pregnancy hormones are having a great effect on me in that regard. And, at nearly two years since Serenity's death, I think the greif has relaxed its grip on me.

A friend recently asked me what I do all day (she being a scientist who still works 7 days a week, albeit at home on the weekends - working no manuscripts, even finishing up a manuscript while visiting family for Christmas). Triple S quickly jumped in with a "She is being pregnant." That's what he sees as my full time job.

And I can't wait for Beanie to be here and take up all my time! I hope to keep my two-days-a-week job, and keep my freelancing going at about the current rate. But I also want my chance to spoil this little girl to pieces.

About two weeks ago, I got my scrapbooking stuff back out. I want to work on Beanie's scrapbook - we've certainly got enough ultrasound pictures to fill-up several pages; although we haven't been taking so many shiny-happy belly shots (That mostly having to do with me looking more fat and less pregnant - that should be changing over soon).

I also got out the scrapbook I started for Serenity. It's got pictures shoved into each page, but I didn't get past making the 2nd and 3rd pages. I want to now. I think I can now. So, I will work on these two books concurrently, although the events in them are a lifetime apart yet so very much intertwined.

And, with today's schedule, I have time to look out my window, watching the snow and the little birds at my mother's day-present bird feeder, to feel the myriad emotions that drift through me, to breathe deeply and calmly, to feel the bean kick and squirm. I have time to just be.

Retail Therapy

Last year, Triple S and I chickened out and skipped the holiday season. We escaped to Mexico and tried to ignore Christmas. It essentially worked, and we found the trip to be restorative and regenerative.

This year, we are here. We went shopping. We bought presents for our sisters and the kids of some friends. Yes, by golly, we even went to toy stores.

People ask us our plans for the holidays. Well, we live here in this big little town all by ourselves. We don't really have any plans. Triple S picked out what he wanted to eat for Christmas Eve dinner; I am working both Thursday and Saturday. We might even go see the new Sherlock Holmes movie (Triple S' favorite fictional character).

Triple S even wanted a tree this year, so out we went on Black Friday and bought an evergreen.

Since we so thoroughly skipped Christmas last year, we didn't have any ornaments for Serenity. I went to Things Remembered online, the only place I could think of that engraves anything, and bought this for 2009:


However, I also really wanted something from Serenity's year of birth. At the same time, I was tooling around on Etsy.

I found this, simple, almost stark, ornament:

from Bugaboo Jewelry and asked her to put a 2008 tag on it. The purple stone is for February.

I also wanted a pea in the pod. I don't know why, I just really like these (I also have a necklace with three 'peas' all picked out on Etsy). I got this ornament:

from CyndesMinis, to recognize all three of the little peas that have been in this pod.

I have also wanted to get a family ring for myself - the object for which I was originally searching on Etsy. I found something simple, and that I can easily add on to, hopefully in March or April 2010:

from BirkaScandinavian. I love the idea of a stacking ring set for a mother's ring (it is NOT like my mother's mother's ring). The red is Triple S' ruby, the purple is Serenity's amethyst, the yellow is my topaz, and the thin blank band is for the miscarriage last fall.

These object make me happy, in a way. There is nothing profound to say about them, but I wanted to share them with you.

I wish you all peace and love this season.

incubating

Ok, it's been more than a month.

I am here. I try to read. Not much to say.

Lots of blog posts in my head that are not getting to the keyboard.

All is going well. This baby seems much more 'assertive' than I remember Serenity being. I feel her kicks and rolls and she moves my tummy. Is this a common thing second time around? Maybe I am just paying more attention; or is it because my muscles are all much more mushy?

Anyway, I just caught up on reading some posts, but I didn't comment too much. I do think of all you ladies quite often, and that gives me strength.

Hope the season is being kind to you...

The secret is out?

I think it is becoming apparent to those around me that I am pregnant. A couple of the volunteers the other day were giving me weird looks. I guess it should be obvious, considering it's now five months. It makes me nervous to think about having to talk to all these people about this pregnancy, these people who didn't know me until months after Serenity had died, don't know that I lost a my first daughter, that I had a d&c a week before starting this part-time job. And now, I am afraid, it will be open season on Ya Chun's body, lifestyle, shopping choices etc. I only have a few coworkers, who are mostly kinda in the know, but I have about 20 different voulunteers, many of whom like to over-share. I don't reciprocate the over-sharing tendancies. Let's hope it is a really really busy day with lots of guests coming in asking gardening questions on Thursday!

Yesteday and today my girlie parts are all achy and hurting. I guess my pelvis is rearranging.

Beanie - please stop rearranging mama's furniture please - she kinda needs to be able to walk.

I can't stand up or sit down. I am fine in one place, but not hte transition. Also, now I am walking around like a geisha girl, with tiny little steps trying not to get anything out of place.

I have been feeling Beanie move. Last night she was clunking around int here for a good while. It makes me happy.

The last week I have had a general sense of well-being. It's kinda nice - I forgot what this felt like. I think I was depressed at the onset of the pregnancy - I was like an invalid, between the morning sickness, exhaustion and back pain. The chiropractor is making progress on the back, which helps, and it was actually sunny here for a few days, which really helped. And, Beanie makes me happy, especially now that I can feel her and we had a good ultrasound. And I know that it's a girl. I like knowing, I guess it makes it more real to me.

Well, that was a bit of a ramble - can I blame it on pregnancy brain?

Quotable

"How blessed are some people, whose lives have no fears, no dreads; to whom sleep is a blessing that comes nightly, and brings nothing but sweet dreams." -Bram Stoker (1847-1912)

Thank the light for the WoT

Nope, that not new fan-dangled internet jargon. If you don't speak it, feel free to skip down to the next ***.

I just finished The Gathering Storm. Wow! This is some of the action we should have had in some of those tedious middle books.

I think Brandon Sanderson did an excellent job. I didn't care for the Mat parts in this books as much as I did for some of his other chapters, but then, I can say the same things about Perrin for a couple of books. Perrin was one of my favorite characters until Faile got kidnapped. I couldn't take the moping and lack of leadership. I am not sure that I agree with some of the complaints regarding Sanderson's ability to write Mat. Maybe it was just the time to show Mat as a human, flawed, character, much like Perrin was in Winter's Heart.

I was super scared when Rand seized the 'True' Power'. SUPER SPOILER::: I am glad he cleared his head, heart, and the overcast skies in the end:::.

And Egwene! That girl has got it! This is one of those times that people like to say, 'wow, that lady has some balls' and I like to point out that she has some ovaries. And guts, and backbone, and brains, heart and soul. I think her scenes in this book are among some of the best of the whole series.

That whole 'three shall be one' at the end? Min, Elayne and Avienda????

Now, I have to wait, what, another year?!? Burn Brandon Sanderson and Robert Jordan!!! Burn them!

***
I told Triple S today that I was grateful for these books. They can really distract me from my worries and anxieties. And a character like Egwene can inspire me to persevere, to stand tall, to try.

Over the years that this series has unfolded (years in real time, since I think it has only been about two years in WoT-time), I have enjoyed each of the main characters in this book. At one point I loved Faile, but I don't trust her much sometimes. I am waiting to see how this one unfolds. On the other hand, Min has always been a strong favorite, from her first introduction right up to the end of this last book. At first it was the tomboy in her. She has since then proven to be caring and loyal. Now she is determined to study old texts in order to help figure out what to do at the last battle.

This, in some round about way, brings me to the pregnancy-related news of this post. If how this relates tot he pregnancy is not entirely clear by the end of this post, it should become clear in the next few posts.

We just had the 18 week anatomy scan. Everything looks fine, the quad screen reduced the risk for Down's to about 1 in 500, and we are expecting yet another girl.

I told Triple S that his dudes are duds. I guess he is now Triple XXX.

So, we have always struggled with girl names. We have a boy's name, have always had a boy's name, and would only ever have a problem if we needed two boy names.

It was difficult to develop a short list when we were expecting our first daughter. I can't see any of the names on that short list coming back to us.

I think the cuffs may get rolled up.

And I may be running some names by ya'll. I know it is frivolous, but it gives me both hope and distraction. Especially now that I have to wait yet again for another volume of the WoT.

In them mean time, I am waiting for the library's copy of book two of the Codex Alera by Jim Butcher. If you like WoT and Mistborn, check this one out too.

Slash

It's often the little things that hurt.

It's the comment last week from our neighbor, teasing us for not coming to the block party. As she went out the door, jokingly saying "Well, once you have a kid, you won't get any free passes for skipping the block party."

Doesn't she just have it completely backwards?

First of all, dead baby is always a 'free pass' for something we don't want to do. It's not even a pass, and it certainly wasn't free.

Secondly, it's the other kids running around the street - on that one day a year that they are allowed to play in the street - that sends us to our protective shell. Those kids, laughing and giggling, up to way past their bedtimes, all without Serenity. That little toddler that isn't. Like a glass shard through my heart.

Besides, next October, when hope against all hope, beanie is 6 months old, I think we the parents will still be able to decide what to do.

It's the fact that the cat has diarrhea, and Triple S is worried to the point of boiling anger that whatever the cat has got is going to harm beanie. And it is dealing with his temper, and a sick cat, and trying to give said pain-in-the-butt-sick cat any kind of medication, and with Triple S complaining about and oftentimes gagging at the litter box. Like having small pieces of ground glass rubbed into your arm.

It's the jewelry that I have either misplaced, thrown out, or had stolen. Three pieces, my most expensive, that were all wedding gifts. And I haven't called the insurance company, because I don't want to deal with them. I had an apartment robbed (twice) in grad school, and the insurance adjuster basically accused me of selling my own items and then reporting them stolen. And that was with broken windows and police reports. Now, I just have a picture of two of the items that I haven't been able to find since we returned from the wedding in Toronto in July and my word. Another scratch, another irritation, another stress.

It's the blood test that went from a 1:374 risk for Down's due to my age to a 1:324 risk. As the genetic counselor read the results, cheerily saying, "Don't worry, it's not a big change," I wondered if she thinks I am an absolute moron with zero math skills. Sure, there are still 323 babies with 46 chromosomes, and just one with 47, but it's not the same as going from 374 to say, oh, 1000. Another worrisome scratch that saps strength.

I can ignore these cuts and scrapes, push them aside with hope that the quad screen will come back better, that the jewelry will turn up in the weirdest place, that I will at some point come up with a way to articulate the hurt I feel from dumb witticisms, that the cat will either get better or croak. However, eventually, these metaphysical injuries coalesce into something that needs to get out, to be released. To be washed away with tears.

La di da di dah

I'm baaack! Ok, I haven't been posting much lately. I do try to keep up with reading the blogs, although I don't always comment.

It's not that I have been in a slump, I just feel very antisocial. I just don't have the energy to explain myself I guess.

For instance, last Saturday was our annual block party. Our house is right int he middle of the block, so basically block party central. Triple S didn't want to go, so we sat inside watching TV in the front room while everyone else was out around the fire it (it was cooold). Our neighbor stopped by before she went in, to give us shit. Well, really, neither of us felt like seeing all the kids running around. It still hurts. I wish it didn't, but it does. And, now, I have got a couple facebook posts from some neighbors, so I think they've all found out that I am pregnant again.

In some ways, I wish I could share this pregnancy with others, but I also feel defensive. Everything is not happy-go-lucky. I am stressed and worried. I really thought that 3 week OB appointments was a bit of overkill, but, gad, the last week I have been so worried that beanie is dead. It's crazy. But the sound of that heartbeat yesterday reset me, so I should be good for another two weeks.

I am going to a chiropractor, in an attempt to fix my back again. I was having massive headaches up the neck and back of my head. Good times.

The cat has diarrhea. I was not aware of this as I am not allowed to clean the litter, but Triple S told me it looked bad, so off tot he vet we went on Monday. Of course, they give us pills - to feed to a cat. A cat that has never ever let us do anything to hi (ie clean his ears - his ears have been dirty for 12 years). Like I said, good times.

I have been doing a lot of lounging. Thank goodness for Robert Jordan. I am just about done re-reading the Wheel of Time series (****nerd alert****) in anticipation of the first 1/3 of the final book being released this month. It's kept me company during that first trimester of nausea and dbm grief and anxiety.

We have been trying to take more pictures, to document this pregnancy too. I feel bad. We just haven't taken that many (of course, beanie has lots of u/s pics already!) I think alot of it has to do with my own vanity. I am faaaaat. My tummy is not a cute little pooch. It's kinda flabby and disgusting. So, poor beanie will have few early-pregnancy pics in his album.

As winter approaches, I am thinking to start up a scrap book for beanie. I didn't start on when I was pregnant with Serenity, but I did want to do a 'baby' one for her, so I had an album and papers all ready for all her 'firsts'. After she died (I guess that was a first - and a last) I started an album on her pregnancy. It is still 'started'. I was thinking I could work on them both at the same time. However, I am not sure that is a good idea. What do you think? But, anyway, I want to start beanie's before too long. I've got the table out - that's progress right?

Well, these ramblings are progress. Maybe I will come out of my protective shell. Maybe not. Or, more than likely, just here.

Off to the basement...

to unpack the maternity pants. It definitely is faster the next time around...

I am not really 'out' to the volunteers at work yet, but I can't squish beanie any more in my regular khakis, and I don't think I can get away with yoga pants at work like I do at home.

Triple S gets the biggest smile on his face every Thursday when I put the khakis on after a week of not wearing them, and they are tighter. And then I share a small, secret smile with beanie, my growing beanie.

we've made it to 12 weeks

We had the nuchal ultrasound yesterday. Beanie was not cooperating with the positioning, so we got to watch him for a long while. He started out looking straight at us:



He was moving all about, and still not rolling into profile, so the u/s tech started bouncing the detector onto my belly, quite forcefully, trying to get him to turn. Looked like he was getting whiplash to me.

We did end up getting a few nuchal readings, all within 'safe' range. We await the bloodwork for final call.

I am finally feeling better physically, but have let some other things (non baby related) stress and bum me out. I am trying to let go. Beanie deserves a stress-free environment!

Since I am not working f/t with this pregnancy, I wonder if Beanie will get enough talking to! Hopefully my neighbors don't think I am odd if I start talking to my belly throughout the day!

I can't believe it is 12 weeks already and that we still have soooo long to go. The baby is about 2 inches, crown to rump, and my lower abdomen is barely sticking out. It still seems surreal to me.

All's well

Everything was fine at last week's appointment.

I think I am now officially sleeping more than the dog. But feeling better...

My lower belly is getting big - I can tell the difference! Beanie is growing!

Hoping to have more energy soon - no extra for blog reading.

Thanks for checking in.

Still here

I am here. Very behind on google reader and reading your posts. I have been exhausted. Bone achingly so. Yesterday I tracked my iron intake, and I think I am not getting enough, so last night I took some iron supplement. I also switch my prenatals to the evening so I don't feel so crappy until mid-afternoon.

Today I don't feel so exhausted, but I did lose my breakfast. Ugh.

I don't know if it is the anxiety that is making me so tired. I know it doesn't help anything to feel worried, but knowing that doesn't help the feeling worried part.

Maybe I will feel better if everything is still ok at next week's appointment. Maybe, Hopefully.

I have some work to do. Maybe this afternoon. Right now, I am feeling like another nap...

Triple S is quite delighted that I feel like crap. He smiles when I tell him I am tired and laughs when I look green in the face. He thinks these are good signs. And he continues to encourage beanie to make me sick. They are ganging up on me already.

Thumpity Thumpity

The little bean has got a heartbeat!

We had the ultrasound and first doctor's appointment this week. I saw the heartbeat even on the external u/s, before the tech even said.

I was numb that day.

We met with another doctor in the MFM practice. He mentioned that we would be doing kickcounts later on. Finally, a doctor that thinks these might help! Why not the regular, old, non-high-risk doctors???

We have another appointment in two weeks. A crazy level of care.

You've got mail - not.

You know what I realized yesterday? That no one emails me anymore. I have a long list of email addresses, and all I ever get in my in box is junk, from websites I signed up for, from orders, etc.

I pay for my one email account, thinking that then people could always get a hold of me - I've had it for years now. It downlaods quite nicely to my computer, so I always have correspondence saved.

But why do I bother?

I hadn't really noticed that no one contacted me over this last year and a half, after the initial round of cards and emails. But, now, I am noticing.

I like Facebook, because you can keep tabs on the mundane, and with friends spread out all over the place, you wouldn't really know these things if you didn't live in the same town. But, few people respond to my various posts. Some email me there (which I like).

I am not really complaining, I am just noticing, wondering.

What I am to do - send a group email "Hey, I am ready to email again. I promise not to talk about dead baby stuff. But, I am also not going to tell you abut this potential bean, hopefully this sticky sticky bean, yet either. And I probably still have little interest in everyone else's unecessary dramas. Real troubles, yes, I'd like to try to be there, if I can handle it."

But, shouldn't friends check in? Don't they wonder what is going on? Do they not know what to ask?

Have any of you gotten any emails recently from people that you hadn't heard from for awhile?

Re-post: Bereavement Study

I recently participated in this study on infant loss. She is still looking for more participants. Please consider, I think her work will help change how the medical community treats us:

BEREAVEMENT STUDY

THE IMPACT OF PERINATAL LOSS ON MOTHERS

A researcher from the Pacific Graduate School of Psychology is conducting a dissertation study to learn about the loss of a singleton, a twin, a triplet, or higher-order multiple and its impact on mothers. The investigator is Louise E. Marasco, MS, clinical psychology PhD graduate student. She is requesting participation from adult mothers who have lost a baby, or more than one baby between the 28th week of pregnancy and the 28th day after birth. This study seeks mothers who have lost a baby in the last 4 years. The hope is that the information that is learned will assist health practitioners in providing comprehensive care for grieving mothers who have lost a multiple while simultaneously caring for a newborn.

If you choose to participate, the researcher will interview you by phone at a time that is convenient. You will be asked to complete several questionnaires about how you are adjusting and coping with the loss of your child. The questions are designed to help us better understand your experiences following the death of your child. Your individual responses will be kept completely confidential. Participation in this study will take approximately 2 hours and will be at no cost to you.

If you are interested in participating in this study please contact:

Louise Marasco, MS
Principal Investigator

(503)956-6003
louise.marasco@gmail.com

Mal-functioning

Ugh.

I am not sleeping well. Today I have black circles under my eyes. When I wasn't sleeping well a few months ago, my doctor (who leans alternative, and now unfortunately went private, ie no insurance!) said it's because my kidneys are functioning at night and waking me up - so recommended that I do I detox. I did, and I did start sleeping well, after taking melatonin for a few weeks. But I am not sure I can do either in my current state.

Speaking of which, I don't feel any pregnancy nausea, which of course makes me worry. I don't know if it is just too early or if it is even more mild than in my first pregnancy. The first pregnancy I was slightly queasy and had a constant, but mild, headache for the first trimester.

So, overall I am a big ball of worry. And my appointment isn't until next week. How long does this whole thing last? Oh yeah, 40 weeks.

And I should have slept last night, we gardened in the am, it was so hot this weekend, we went swimming, I baked zucchini bread - I was active yesterday and stayed up late on Saturday. I should be tired enough to sleep.

Now I feel too tired to start working, maybe I should go take a nap...

Bounty

Thank you all! I was glad to see some lurkers, even! I emailed those early commentors if they have an email listed on their blogger profile, so if you were an early-to-the-party commentor on the guess what post and didn't receive an email from me, please check you junk box, looking for an email from my .mac account.

To those of you who asked how far along am I - not very. I just POAS on Sunday (and got a faint-cn't even-see-it -in-the-photo line, that was convincing enough for me, but not Triple S. He got all weak in the knees when he saw the second one (even with the advanced warning and the late period).

I am so lucky and honored to have you all walking beside me on this journey! Thank you all. I hope this one sticks - I am being optimistic at this point.

In lieu of more 'ifs' and 'hopes' and worries that we can't answer, I thought I would share some harvest photos. Now, I am not complaining, but please note my current lack of cooking space! I plan to can (stewed tomatoes - many more are on the vine!- and Giardiniera) on Friday.

Blackberries, grown at the community garden for all the gardeners there (I am helping take care of three beds and two common areas):



Which yielded this: which Triple S thinks is too tart, but loves the GF crust!


Current veggie payload:(See the V on the watermelon - I like to mark things with Triple S' initial - he gets such a kick out of it - kid)

This is mostly from the last week and a half, minus what we have eaten, including:Baked mini spaghetti squash* with ground pork, salt, pepper, tomatoes*, hot pepper*, garlic, basil* and Parmesan cheese. This is one of the first dishes I learned to cook in college, out on my own, and it is yummy. The spaghetti squash was tender and spooned right out of the rind.


*grown by me. I told Triple S that we need to go to the beach (his face instantly expressing "I want to go to the beach too' and "How can I make this happen for my wife' and 'This lady is crazy' as I finish my sentence...) so that I can harvest a gallon of sea water and make my own salt. Relief on his face as he laughs at me. But I wouldn't mind a vacation... except now is harvesting time!

And hopefully you all got the bounty/fruit of the loins connection. I hope my womb is productive this time....

If you guessed...

Then you were right!!!!!!!

Sorry Ya Chun took so long to post the update.
We're pregnant!!!!!!!
She let me tell somebody (you guys)

Guess What...

Well, any guesses?

Toronto is a long drive from the Midwest

**I apologize, but this is really long. I hope you can rea through ost of it, and comment! I don't write as often as I used to, and when something needs to get out, it seems to be all at once**

We drove about 15 hours to get up to Toronto on Friday, arriving while the family was out to a very late dinner. Luckily, some of the bride's friends were also staying at the house, so we could get in. n total, there were about 15 people staying - with two baths and one extra toilet! The bride was wisely staying elsewhere, and the new couple had a hotel room for after the wedding.

Her one friend's fiance was quite nice, offering us tea when we arrived, busying himself with dishes while the bridesmaids got ready. He was an easy one to talk to.

The wedding was lovely. I usually cry at weddings, but worked extra hard to keep this down, since I am not so 'graceful tears welling in my eyes' anymore, but more 'sobbing and blubbering'. It was a full-on Catholic ceremony, complete with blood and body. The bride's side stayed put.

It was hard seeing so much of Triple S' family. We hadn't seen them since long before we were pregnant, and only his parents when Serenity was still here, died, and was born (and again this winter). We hadn't seen the one cousin in 10 years. No one said anything to me about Serenity, and I was trying to keep my thoughts from roaming there, as this weekend was about his 2nd cousin's marriage and new life, replete with Polish fertility-wishing ceremonies. The groom and his family seemed nice enough.

The reception was very fancy and large. The meal was beyond belief, including an inter-course sorbet and peppered chocolate ice cream for dessert (if you live in Toronto, you might be able to guess where this was held, as it is the chef's creation). There was some famous actor there (there is a pic of me with him on someone's camera, just not mine).

After the first dance, and the beginning of the groom/mother and bride/great-uncle (in her case - her father passed when she was really young, and grandpa didn't want to do it - this was my FIL - who is actually a snazzy dancer, me having danced with him at two of my own weddings), all the guests were asked to join in on the dance floor. I don' know what the song was for that second dance, but it transitioned into "what a wonderful world," which was one of the songs we played at Serenity's memorial service, and to which I now apparently have a programmed response to cry upon hearing it. All the emotions of seeing family, and being at the wedding (which we may no have gone to with a toddler), and of missing a wee one running around like crazy, burst out all the dance floor. How embarrassing. It's at moments like these that I wish Triple S and I had the more common gender dimorphism, so that I could have buried my head in his chest and hidden from view.

It had begun to rain during the wedding ceremony, and continued quite steadily through the time of the reception start and the reception, so there were no outdoor pictures, and the bride had gotten no photos with her family. So, shortly after the dancing had started we were all called out for pictures. Me and my puffy red eyes. How much magic do you think the photographer can do before printing??????

We had a Chinese banquet on Sunday evening. One of the bride's mom's friends asked if our family really did still do the tradiotnal things, like red pockets. I am surprised, that living in an area full of so many Chinese (I was a definite minority in Markham), that people didn't still give the new couple red pockets. When Triple S and I got married, we received enough money from his family to have a substantial start to our house fund (my family not so generous). I see it as a big loan, because over the years we will give all that money back, but it is really nice to get a huge lump sum at the beginning to help you get started. We couldn't give as much as I had wanted to, but I will send them a really nice housewarming present when they settle down (there are teaching in Kuwait right now - and planned the wedding from there!)

At the banquet we sat with the bride and groom and some of her bridal party, her sister and boyfriend, and the Chinese cousins. I am always surprised when my FIL's brothers get together, they talk nonstop. Since they all speak Cantonese, I have no idea (neither does Triple S, as he speaks Mandarin) what they talk about, and I really have a hard time fathoming how they can talk so much (we were long in bed while they were still up taking all 3 nights we were there). And Catonese is a boistrous language. So, while there was an apparently stirring conversation going on at the old folks table, our table was silent. I think most of the young people were worn out, having stayed late at the reception. But you would think that 13 people could find something to talk about. I am a naturally curious person, and don't know this 2nd cousin well (having only met her at my own wedding - and she is a bit reserved - and I had no time to talk to anyone at my wedding) and had not met the groom before. So, I am peppering them with questions (but also conscious of not over doing it), receiving short, direct responses, and no questions in return! Am I that rusty at social interactions? And these people aren't even scientists (like Triple S and I, a group that is often disparaged for no social skills - my sciency friends are always a lively bunch and ALWAYS have somethings to talk about - yes, sometimes science, but also politics, jobs, money even entertainment, etc). I want to know how they ended up in Kuwait, if the groom had seen the dress beforehand, what they liked to eat (several of the speeches at the reception mentioned that the way to the bride's heart was thru her stomach - which was the same way Triple S won me over - his family on a whole is alot about food - so I thought this would be a good topic), what their plans were, etc. The conversation didn't really get rolling until the one friend was talking about the two degrees she is seeking (Nursing and public health and some minors). I later asked her, that it seemed she was interested in doing something community based, and we started talking about urban issues (she from Minneapolis and us from the Lou - Midwest cities with similar demographics and issues), and finally we had something going. The rest just kinda sat there. I guess I am really passionate about stuff, and it seems others, not so much.

I don't know if people seem inhibited around us, maybe the one thing they want to talk about they feel is taboo (although I am sure the friends don't know about our reproductive woes). I am not sure if this is a dbm issue, an age gap (we are 33 after all - ya know - old), or just differences in interests. I know the sister is more of a partier than a conversationalist (I have never been able to strike up a conversation with her - and I have seen her several times). Maybe people think I am a gossip or something??? But I am one of these people who likes to know things, and have it all ordered. Would I pester someone if I knew they lost baby? Want to know how they were feeling? Would that be a bad thing?

It irks me in some ways tho, because when you are at a gathering, shouldn't you try to learn about others? I have plenty of other things about which to talk, say my job, my gardening, my recent trips, volunteering. But no one was interested, I guess. (can you tell that it kinda bugged me? Like I said, I like to understand things).

We said our goodbyes, that night after the banquet. I have a soft spot in my heart for Triple S' one aunt, Kuku we call her. We can't communicate well, as she doesn't speak English and I don't speak Cantonese. I've always had some kind of connection with er, from the first time we me, maybe 10 years ago. But she called the U.S. after Serenity died, speaking with my ILs and also talking to me. The broken conversation meant a lot to me, because she was making an extra effort to reach out, something that people who can speak to me didn't even do. She also became a grandmother this spring, and I can't talk about the new niece in the family, I don't talk (FaceBook) much to Triple S' cousin. But I really wanted to tell Kuku congratulations. While standing in the kitchen full of the family, I started crying before I got it out. The kitchen emptied. After our hugs with Kuku, we waved goodbye to everyone else, in the den, as they were watching a video on the computer. Would this be an appropriate use of the word pariah???

Anyway, we left at about 5:30 the next morning, stopping off to see Niagara Falls, because Triple S had never seen it.



We also took a detour to stop in Cleveland and see my grandparents' and my uncle's graves. I could have stayed there to cry for an hour. Or more. If I was a superstitious person, I might even think that my grandmother stole my little baby to be there with her.

The return trip took about 18 hours, with the stops and all. And I am exhausted.

TIME DEPENDENT silly question

Where can I buy stamps in Canada? I want to send a few people cards or postcards, but w will only be there on a Sat and Sun. Do grocery stores sell the out of their cash drawer like in the US?

thanks in advance, all my gal pals north of the border.

Duality

There's a 8-10 foot wide spot of yard and sidewalk between our house and our neighbor's. In an effort to separate their child, their dog, and the dog's crap, they have made a two-year-old haven in that area, some of which is actually our otherwise unused property.

There's a sand box, a slide, a rumbling plastic roller coaster, and some other toys, large and small. It's become the hang-out for the two-and-under gang of the neighborhood, every afternoon. Some of the kids are small enough that a parent holds their arms as they go down the 'coaster. Other's go down forward or backwards, without fear. Some are thinking it would be great to line the ramp up with the embankment, for an extra long and steep ride.

I am thinking to post the following sign in my front garden: "If your child plays in my yard, I will teach them cuss words".

Or maybe to start blasting punk music out my windows "Fuck fuck fuck" to a heavy drum beat. I am sure the kids will dance to it.

My neighbor knocked on the door yesterday, to see what was going on "oh, I was wondering if you were still alive over here, I haven't seen you for awhile" (why do people so colloquially refer to death?). Well, I have been busy, and out of the house a bit, with the summer camp and all. I also told her that I am outside, working in my front garden, just not when she - of the unusual work schedule - is around.

In my circuitous way, I did eventually use an opening - when she said how much fun her son has on the rollercoaster - to say that it is annoying. I can hear it in my house. No it's not that he rides it too early. It's the afternoon, when all the two-and-unders are here. She figured it out, she got it.

I feel bad that it bothers me. But I feel like all those parents are being insensitive. They all live here, on the same block that I do. If they didn't know directly, surely they have heard - that my baby died, that she should be out there, of an age with their children. Maybe she'd be old enough now to go down the rollercoaster by herself, or maybe she would still need the support of her parents.

The reason my neighbor doesn't see me is because when they are all out there, I am hiding in my house, trying to not hear the rumble of the rollercoaster, as its reverberations break chinks into my cobbled together heart.

It's already July?

Um, wait a sec, it's almost the end of July! I am so completely discombobulated. Summer is creeping towards an end. I feel like a kid on summer break, realizing that summer doesn't last forever.

Last week was the first time I went to the pool to swim laps. And the water was freezing! The weather has been really crazy here. It was too hot, now it is too cool.

We went for a hike yesterday - it was challenging for me. We hiked up about 200 steps up the side of a river bluff. At least I was less tired than the dog! I must not be too bad off. It was nice. We haven't been to that park since before I was pregnant (or maybe it was the year I got pregnant, but early on).

The garden is currently a jungle - the tomatos are kind of producing. The weather has been all wrong. The two week hot spell didn't allow for fruit set, and now the later fruit aren't getting the heat they need. I am making a green tomato pie out of the tomatos that are on plants suffering from wilt.

We went to see the latest Harry Potter. Loved it! For the last two weeks we watched all the previous movies to catch up. It was fun to see how the kids grew up. I think 'Hermione' is now as tall as 'Harry'! I think the Potter story, at the heart of it, is about friendship and bravery (aside from the whole coming of age bit).

The kids at the summer camp are fun. They seem to like my gardening 'class'. I took them to my work and we got 'special' access to the herbarium. It is normally only open to adult tours, but I think they got something out of it! I then took them to the area where I work. Two of the girls walked arm-in-arm with me, and asked how they could get jobs there! (college education) Today we will use the internet to ID their plant specimens.

Triple S says I have a 'kid crush' on the one kid, Elijah. He is so cute and such a sweetie. After every class I always tell him what this little 6-year-old says (like one day, after getting the smallest purple coneflower flower, he asked why his was so small. I said because it was still a young flower that hadn't grown all the way, and he says "Yay, I got a young flower!" Like, that's ok, I am happy about it no matter what). He kinda makes me want to be brave again. He and Harry Potter.

Well anyway, between these two things swirling in my head, I feel ready to try again. I want to be brave, and balanced. I was thinking, it would be ok if we had a boy. When I was first pregnant, I felt it was a boy, and imagined us doing all kinds of stuff together. When we saw that u/s, I was disappointed for a half a day, but then jumped full into girl mode. But, now, allowing myself to dream of a little Elijah or a little Harry doesn't hurt and isn't so scary. And, worth the stress and worry that we will (HOPEFULLY) (SOON) have to endure.

We were quite busy this last week (yes, that kind of busy), and now I am on progesterone. Fingers crossed.

I am busy this week getting ready for our trip to Toronto, for a wedding. I have my google directions printed out, and am checking them against an atlas (yep, I bought an atlas - kinda handy) because there is always something screwy with internet directions. Like, I don't want to drive straight through Indy - I'd like to take the outerbelt thank you. Anyway, packing and getting snacks and books on tape. Oh, and I've got to get my haircut, do my nails, iron my clothes -aahhh. I need a to-do list... Is it really July 20th already????

Posting a link on a health condition that may be affecting you, and your chances of getting pregnant

Interesting video summary of recent results on celiac disease. The doctor proposes that we start screening for celiac disease much like we screen for high cholesterol.



I don't know why celiac disease is more prevalent, but I suspect it has something to do with the 'food-like chemicals' that make up so much of our diet. For further reading I recommend two books, "In Defense of Food" by Michael Pollan and "The End of Overeating" by Dr. David Kessler. The food processing industry is not your friend; think big tobacco.

I have angst

Deadbaby angst
Conception angst
Thirty-something angst
Grief angst (is that possible)
Parental frustrations
And I am about fed up with insensitive comments

"Kids are such a trouble, aren't you glad you don't have to deal with this?"

That's paraphrased, mostly because I have a bad memory. But that's the meaning.

There are two people that often say crap like this to me. One is my mother (Why do I even bother ever phoning her - Monday turned out to be another nice chat) and the other is the neighbor.

One of these days it's not going to get laughed off and something really nasty is going to come out of my mouth. Like, "Well, you wouldn't have to deal with this if your son was dead." Because, duh, that's what is going on over at my house. We don't have to change diapers or clean up peas or endure 5 am wake ups. So far, I am so shocked that my brain literally freezes up an there is no response.

Posting a link

I really like how Kara describes the long term grief process in this post.

I'm still here!

It's been a long while since I have posted, but I am still here! I am reading (although I am behind), and I also don't have too much to say as comments. Cat's got my tongue I guess.

It's been a slightly off-schedule few weeks. I had jury duty, was covering days at the gardening desk for the 5-day-a-week gal, and I was OPK surging. Gah. It's never just one thing at a time. The trial was weighing heavily on me (shooting in the ghetto in our 'urban' environment). Multiple generations are lost in that 'hood. On my way back from the courthouse after we decided out verdict, I found a place to volunteer. I used to volunteer at the public schools, but it was an unsupported program. Now, I have found a more structured place. When the volunteer coordinator found out I have a graduate degree in science AND I am an avid gardener, her eyes just kept getting wider and wider. I went to be a 'learning buddy' in the reading program and now I am somehow running the gardening program for the 2nd and 3rd graders. Maybe it will turn into a small fee thing, instead of just volunteering, in the fall.

Well, all that OPK-positive-induced activity was for naught. Anyway, the pharmacy and/or the doctor's office was so friggin late in getting the endometrin set up, that we just now got it today. 50 bucks.

My garden is now a huge jungle. In my one raised bed, I think I could have planted half to a third of the number of plants! I took some photos of bugs and such for the kids program. I also will have to take in some cuttings.... hm lots of lessons to plan.

Triple S has started his new residency. We are going out with some of the others tonite (crawfish baby!)

So, I am here, and nothing much is going on. The crazy summer heat is finally giving us a break and my brain is re-solidifying. It had kinda gone mushy. Triple S has today off so we are trying to catch our breath!

Happy Fourth all you gringos! I am not feeling it this year, but we'll see. I have to work tomorrow anyway.

Weekly Bloom Report - 6/10/09

Asclepias curassavica - bloodflower milkweed

Monarch attractor. Still waiting for the monarchs.

Hemerocallis fulva - Orange daylily
This plant has naturalized in the U.S. and is basically an invasive. It was in my yard when we moved here, and is edible, so I keep it. I harvest the whole flower and throw it in our salads.

Lycopersicum esculentum,
which yields this:

tomatoes! Yep, I've got 'em! Now, for them to make it to my plate....

I have finally had birds at my feeder! My feeder is to attract the smaller birds, so I have had two kinds of finches so far.

I also owe some gardening answers.

Coggy wanted to know about growing plants in containers. I grow tomatos and basil in containers together. I have a medium large container (say up to my knee) that supports tomato plants that are bush varieties and that tend to be slightly dwarfed (like Reisenstraube). I fill it with a sustainable soiless mix (coconut fiber, perlite, tomato maker, and womr castings). You can then add a small tomato cage to keep the plant upright. Put it in a sunny spot and keep it well watered. The watering is the hardest part about containers. Try to find what they call 'self-watering', pots that have small resevoirs for the water under a platform that the soil sits on.

Someone else (sorry, I can't find the comment) also asked about growng fennel seeds. There was something about sausage... If the seeds were cooked in he sausage, um, no they won't germinate. But you can easily grow fennel seeds from, seed. Try Richter's if you are in North America (I am not sure they ship to the UK).

***
The sonohys revealed that my uterus was empty. I asked Triple S if we should get a picture, ya know, for posterity (ie posting), and he said he was only interested in pictures of my uterus when it is occupied. Ah, so sweet is he.

We have the go ahead to do you know what, knock da boots, shake our thangs, etc etc.

Survey on progesterone:

Our doc has recommended that I take baby aspirin and progesterone. I am not really sure if progesterone is needed. I know there are not supposed to be any side effects, and there is also question about efficacy. I have had one miscarriage, not recurrent.

On the other hand, I am wondering about immune issues. I have some sort of autoimmune stuff going on, although most of my tests are coming back as within normal range. I think I am at the beginning, so the results are subclinical. I have psoriasis, low thyroid (it bounces around), skin sensitivities. I sometimes wonder if it is because I follow the celiac diet, thus keeping somethings in check. Anyway. I am also wondering about anti-baby antibodies. Since I am working from the hypothesis that I have autoimmune issues, and the fact that Serenity died in me (thus, I would think, increasing the chances of cells and cellular components getting exposed to my system that maybe normally wouldn't). So, I am wondering if with Serenity's pregnancy everything was ok, but after Serenity died, my body now reacts to her little siblings. (get me?)

Anyway, what are you thoughts on taking progesterone a few days after ovulation (and through I think 12 weeks)?

Weekly Bloom Report - 5/26/09-6/3/09

Pisum sativum var. macrocarpon - sugar snap pea - which yields this:

Yummy! sugar snap peas - great in salads!
I have been eating a ~70% raw diet for the last three weeks - this morning I weighed in at 8 pounds less than I was averaging 3 weeks ago!! I also read "The End of Overeating" by David Kessler - I think it made a big difference. Oh, and that summer is here and I have been planting in three gardens, biking, swimming, and taking 2 mile walks every night. The dog is worn out.

Curcubita pepo - spaghetti squash
please ignore the ugly paint on the front porch behind my squash! :) This was all covered in yew bushes until this spring - now I am growing a victory garden. Triple S will paint once I am knocked up and his sperm services are no longer required :)

Blehpilia ciliata - Ohio horsemint

the only ornamental in bloom right now. I have a bit of a late May early June gap that I need to find a plant or two to fill...

Ok. Off to the RE for the sonohys.

Random thoughts downloaded

If things had worked out differently, Triple S and I could now be parenting two girls under the age of two - both in diapers.

***

I am my mother's friend's shadow baby. Her son died during delivery at around the same time I was born. My sister and her second child, a daughter, are the same age. Their third is a few years younger than them. I vaguely remember him as a baby, nursing, in a swing. I never knew about her first son until maybe I was in high school or even college.

***

On Friday, as I was driving to one of my garden plots, I had that familiar, concurrent hollowness to the point of feeling crushed and fullness to the point of bursting in my chest. The grip of grief.

Last night, while I was "sleeping", I was angry again. Angry at my womb, our umbilical cord, at whatever twist or movement on whoever's part that got that cord too tight or kinked.

***

We went to see the Terminator movie last night. The theater was so empty! Wow, this economy must be really bad.

The movie was good, better than I had expected. I was hoping they wouldn't ruin the series. I liked the first two movies. While we were driving home, I told Triple S I want one of those kick-ass sawed-off grenade launchers. This morning I am thinking we should get solar panels, just in case the terminators attack...

Good thing I can garden.

Last night I dreamed that the world was, ya know, apocalyptic, and Triple S and I were hiding, with a wee baby. Hand washing diapers - not fun. But, we had a baby!

***

I am sure I have mentioned this before, but Triple S loves mysteries. Sherlock Holmes, Agatha Christie. At one point, we watched this show from BBC about these gardening ladies that solved crimes, Rosemary and Thyme or something. Now, he has discovered that all the Murder, She Wrote episodes are airing on cable, and he's been recording and watching them. He made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone what channel he is recording these from!

I remember watching this series as a kid and thinking, 'if Angela Lansbury ever shows up in my town, I am leaving, because surely someone is to be murdered shortly!'

Guess who is excited about the upcoming Sherlock Holmes movie? The preview looked awesome; too bad Triple S was in the bathroom.

***

Triple S thinks I should write a TV series, possibly for air on unmentionable station, about the gardening help desk where I work. It'd be a comedy about the crazy volunteers I work with, the really odd questions we get at the desk, the weird things that happen there, and some usefull gardening tips. I still don't think it would top the melodrama that is the research bench.

***

I am bummed that they canceled Life. We like all these quirky shows that never last long enough. At least Chuck is saved, for now.

Does anyone know if they are re-airing the first season of Castle, maybe on a cable channel? We loved the series Firefly and loved the actor who played Mal (and the Baldwin who is on Chuck). Since we DVR and don't watch commercials, we found out about it late in the season.

***
Download complete.

Weekly Bloom Report - 5/19/09

Hydrophyllum virginianum - Virginia waterleaf

Stylophorum diphyllum - Celandine poppy

Aquilegia canadensis - Eastern Columbine

Monarda fistulosa - wild bergamot

and....

Danaus plexippus - Monarch caterpillar

I'm busy (uh-huh uh-huh) and I like it

I am far behind on my google reader, and thus my commenting on your blogs.

It is full-swing planting season.

I don't know exactly how this all worked out, but I've now got gardening space in two different community gardens, and all without having to pay the rental fee!

The one garden is just free, since it is on school property and the city delivers the soil and provides water for free. I have about 5 feet in a raised bed.


The other garden is managed (and was started, 10 years ago) by one of the ladies that volunteers at the garden where I work. Last Saturday, I asked her if she needed any volunteers, and she told me to come up on Friday. (See, I like gardening soooo much that I am volunteering to do it! - I have too much gardening energy for my little yard). An older lady there rents three beds (to a tune of ~$70 each!) and broke her foot. So, I am going to take care of her beds for the summer (or two months or so), and I can plant and harvest a few things for myself. Yippee!

Which all leads to why I am so behind on google reader. I am freakin busy! Triple S says I am like in some gardening mafia or something, because I have my fingers in so many projects! The nice thing is, if (when) I get pregnant, if I can't do it, I don't have to. My friend had wanted me to manage a garden to supply her restaurant, but I felt that was too much pressure and that I would have to work in the August heat if I was preggo. This is much better.

Triple S also pointed out that the swim club (our 'country club' as our neighbor calls it, and by country I mean hoosier!) opens up this weekend. Of course, now it is too cool and the water won't be warmed up, but when that really gets going, I will be busy. I'll have to find some time to work!?!

Today I found out that my yoga studio is closing. I feel like me physical support systems are crumbling around me. First, no more insurance coverage for PT, and now the place that I feel comfortable for massage and yoga is closing! The instructor will continue the class at her own studio, but it's a change I don't really need. I am sure it will be fine, but it's been nice to have a routine, especially at someplace so close.

IMG_4795.JPG

Posted via Pixelpipe.

The Natives are Restless

Some of my woodland native flowers in bloom today:

Ozark Spiderwort, Tradescantia longipes

Fire Pink, Silene virginica
in the back/foreground are leaves of wood violet, may apples, ginger, jacob's ladder, and yellow violet and the trunk of the dogwood, ie the 'woods.'

Purple Rocket, Iodanthus pinnatifidus

Muddling

Triple S and I are cool.

I read to him the blog post and comments last night (yeah- he wants to know but doesn't want to 'read') I had told him I had very many great comments. He felt bad when I read about how he rained on my MD.

We talked about this. I think he suppresses his grief, to support me, and when I am ok, he let's his guard down and his grief comes boiling out.

His work situation is also deteriorating. Well, I don't think the situation is changing, but his ability to tolerate it is drying up. Sunday, he checked his email and his coworker's wife delivered their baby- who wasn't due until June. I think this sent him over. We joke that his lab is very (re)productive. It is raining babies. This Friday was a baby shower, then this other baby is born and one other lady is currently preggo. This in a group of about 15 people (not all childbearing age).

I just wished he would express his grief as grief. Not as misdirected anger at me over something that did not warrant the size of the response.

He always says that when I cry, it hurts his heart. When he is angry, or suffering through this, it hurts me too.

We continue to muddle our way through this.

I thin he needs to "deal" with his grief more, but he is recalcitrant. Don't you all think he should start a blog too? I told him he could post on bad days "this sucks" and that would be enough. Cause he won't always talk to me, or even realize that he needs to talk.

Acceptance brings me Peace

The new view from my office window.



Now, I just need to lure some small birds there. The plant nearly visible at the bottom of the frame is my native columbine.

This is a small orifice feeder, to attract finches an other small songbirds. I also got a hummingbird feeder, but haven't hung it up yet.

***

This morning, finally OPK was positive. Day 30. Triple S audibly breathed a sigh of relief and was as happy as a lark.

We took a long drive today, through hill and dale, literally. Out in the countryside. Triple S wished me a happy MD.

We hiked in a muddy park, got to see a big cave, and wore the dog out.

We bought the bird feeder and the seed.

We stopped at a local dairy and exchanged our old bottles for ice cream. Milk jugs are our savings account (loose less value than stocks), and we only had to pay 20 cents for our malt/ice cream. We had a few bottles.

We came home, where I hung up the feeder and planted some more stuff that I started from seed in the garden. I also planted a Lavender cultivar called "Serenity'.

I had a good day. I felt happy. I miss Serenity, it's always in the background, and I thought of her a lot today. But, today, I felt happy to have been her mom, for the time I had with her.

Then, Triple S got mad at me. I thought he wasn't allowed to get mad at me on MD. I was having a fine day, deadbaby notwithstanding. He's been very sensitive lately, and he has some anger built up or something. He's still prickly, I can sense it. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do with him. I can't tell if he is upset about MD, upset about some jack at work, or what. I think he is mad abut the unfairness of it all. Oh well. I can't ask him these things when he is pissy and expect a decent answer. And I am not too happy with him for raining on my peaceful day.

I think in most ways I have accepted our situation. I have my bad days, but most often they coincide with days of lousy weather or when my body is hurting. For instance, today my back is only a bit tight in the sacrum area, I could walk up steep, muddy hills, and I am without headache or vertigo. If I had been laid up today and it was raining, I think I would feel crummy and more sad.

Now, I say this all the time, but I want to live to honor Serenity's life. I don't want to fight with Triple S or be mad at the world. This morning, when I first woke up and was lying in bed, I tried to direct my thoughts toward the good times when I was pregnant, instead of thinking about the hole in our lives or the time when I realized she wasn't moving anymore or the delivery. I want to remember that happiness, and carry those positive memories and feelings through the day with me.

I am not sure that he is there yet.

Happy Mother's Day to you all, my mama friends in the internets.

Drives are Great for Talkin'

I have been looking forward to today for about 5 months. Today was the native plant sale at a local nature reserve. Multiple vendors come from all over the state to sell their natives. All of my gardening is natives or edibles (except for the gerber daisies I plant in the front porch boxes and plants inherited with the property).

Triple S had a tough week because his coworker's baby shower was today. His boss always hosts the showers after the baby is safely here, because one of her technicians had a stillborn son about 10 years ago. We never had a 'work' shower, and he wanted nothing to do with it today (although he did contribute towards the group gift). So, he planned his day to be over before the shower and came home early. Poor guy. He drove out to the reserve with me.

As we drove through the verdant tree-lined roads, we talked. Triple S feels he received pity at work (short-lived as it was) but little compassion from most of his coworkers (the one who lost her first son and another who had four miscarriages and is now childless have been great - those who get it). For some reason, so many people lack true compassion and empathy.

There seems to be a subtle difference between pity and compassion.

We also talked about a recent story I heard on NPR. It was about the case in Iowa that has legalized gay marriage there. The lawyer that brought the case put into words something that I have always felt but haven't been able to coalesce into a decent paraphrase (Aside from the fact that I identify as a flaming liberal). Basically, this lawyer has worked for years to bring equal rights for LBG to marry. But, she's straight. And the interviewer asked her why she worked to do this. What she said rings so true. I translate it now into my own thoughts. I don't want to see people enslaved, or tattooed to be filed into camps, or treated unfairly or lacking in rights that so many others take for granted. And like the white abolitionists of the North leading up to the Civil War, I am not content living in a society that doesn't offer rights to some but not all, such as accepting that true love can exist between two men or two women. Any two people of adult age should be able to marry, and enjoy all the legal rights and take on all the legal responsibilities of that institution. Triple S retorted that this kind of thinking requires compassion, something we've already seen that so many people lack.

After our deep car conversation, we arrived at the sale, where Triple S helped me carry the plants. I finally found the witch hazel I have been waiting for - I got an Ozark witch hazel for myself and a Virginia for my neighbor ($15 bucks each -a bargain! others I saw at nurseries as high as $120!). This made my day, and made Triple S happy and light because I am happy (he spoils me). Since I saved so much on the witch hazel, I bought several other shade-loving plants for our 'woodland' garden, under our dogwood tree. On the way home, I treated my dear hubby to BBQ, which made him extremely happy.

I am so glad that the days are getting longer. We arrive home and I puttered around in my garden some, planting more basil, sage, calendula, and even risking some gerber daisies. Unfortunately, I was so excited to take care of my posies that I let the dog eat the leftovers. So, I guess I made her happy today too.

I have a wish for this Sunday, and that is to go hunt out a bird feeder for my office window. Other than that, MD is not really bothering me that much. I think that how much I have been looking forward to the plant sale this weekend has outshone the holiday glaring at me on the calender. I sent my mom some generic card, because I didn't want to read too many and because I don't feel like she has really been all that supportive. Well, she doesn't say too many unsupportive things, and I don't try to talk to her about anything anymore anyway.

For all of you out there, I wish you a peaceful and safe Mother's Day. I hope those near you find the ability to feel compassion. May you handle it with grace and may your heart be filled with love.

And please, go give love to my IRL friend who just miscarried her son's little sibling.

Hmph

The darn insurance company is saying that I am done with physical therapy. Hmph. I disagree.

We will see.

Five OPKs since day 23 and no second line. Hmph.

And no temperature shift. Hmph hmph.

It amazes me how much better I am able to function is when my back, neck, hips, shoulders, head, paraspinals, laterals, levators, or quadra.tus lumborum are not hurting me intensely. I am surprised each good day. I have more bad days than good, so that I forget how it feels to be good. I want to tilt that balance the other way, so that I can evetually forget what the bad days feel like.

I hope to find myself a bird feeder for my office window. I see birds flitting about out of the corner of my eye, but they go by so fast I can't see them in time. I hope a feeder will keep them in my view for a bit longer. That is what I am looking forward to this weekend.

Daily Dribbles and Pearls

Today is the first day the my head hasn't felt something. My back is a bit achy, but that is from the spring cleaning yesterday and the gardening today. The tomatoes, peppers and eggplants are in the soil!

I greatly expanded my arable land this year. I extended my tomato bed to either side using a 'lasagna' method. Instead of breaking my already broken back by digging up the grass, I covered the grass with newspaper and layered old organic matter on top. Today, as I dug through the layer, most of the grass was dead. I layered on some more leaf mould after planting. Now, just 40-60 more days...

I am hosting our nascent writing group tonight. I feel that my writing is currently stuffed up. Hopefully I can get it going again!

After gardening (and showering, of course) I got dressed for my later company, ie, wearing something other than yoga pants. I am wearing a blue jeans skirt and burnt orange top, and a strand of mother of pearls with matching bracelet. Now, I still had to straighten out the living room and set out the tea, the homemade cookies (shortbread, 3rd attempt), and the cute little tea service set that I have yet to have an occasion to use (only service for four, we usually have more over at a time, or recently, noone!), and prepare dinner. Not wanting to get my clothes all dirty, I put on my apron. I bought this apron at an estate sale, and it actually matches the orange top that I had put on. Whoa, wait, did you miss it? I am doing housework in pearls.

While meandering through my daily nothings, I forgot to mention that I am not really sure where I am in my grief anymore. I am pretty stressed out about this whole next pregnancy thing, my body is at odds with its resident, and I am not looking forward to missing my daughter every day of my life until the end of my days. It's tiresome when I think about it long term like that. But, more on all that later, I hear something trying to boil over out in the kitchen. Gad, what did housewives do without the internet? Housework? And speaking of housewives from the 50s, where is my mail? I haven't gotten any yet this week.

Wait a second, which rollercoaster am I on?

If it's not the deadbabyland loop-de-loop, it's one of the rides of unpredictable health.

Last week I was on the skull crusher with a 3-day migraine, this week I've been on the vortex, with vertigo (3rd day - yippee!). These rides might be free, but I can't get off them when I want to.

I am frustrated. I am nearing my wit's end.

Any suggestions? I am thinking a naturepath, accupuncture, you name it. If anyone has any experience with getting the body back in balance, please relate, through a comment or email. I don't know what is off, but I can't take this anymore.

The doves that talk to me

There are two kinds of doves that talk around this house.

There are a pair of mourning doves (maybe the same pair I tried to evict weeks ago, who laid an egg in a unprotected and windy spot) outside. Coo....coo-coo. If you've ever heard a mourning dove, you know how it got its name. It makes my heart hurt a tiny bit every time.

The second dove involves foil. Today, it said to me:

'Bring your life to life: stop planning and start doing'

'Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die tomorrow'

'One's best success comes after one's greatest disappointment'

The first one makes me think snarky thoughts. "I wish I could just bring my baby to life. Ha"

The second one hurts; I thought chocolate was supposed to be heart healthy.

I am still waiting for the third one to materialize.

Sometimes I wish doves would keep their thoughts to themselves.