Little Beanie has a stuffy nose. I can hear her breathing/ snorting out here in the living room. It started running today. Poor girl...
I had a major sinus congestion the last few days. I thought it was allergies, maybe from cleaning up the garden. But I've never had allergies before. Of course, I didn't use to leave stuff to mold in my garden either. Or, maybe just from too much fresh air.
But now Bea is all stuffy. So, maybe it is a cold.
The second time she woke up, I tried nursing her, but poor little thing couldn't breathe. She has stirred and fussed and called out 'mama' several more times this evening.
Maybe we'll enjoy a nice warm bath together tomorrow. My back could use it.
And as much as I love hearing her call for me, I wish she didn't have to so much tonight. I hope this passes for her more quickly than it did for me. I was miserable in the evenings.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
On Minimalishism
I came across the term 'Minimalish' yesterday. I think that better describes my simplification efforts. I'll never get down to 100 things. I doubt I'll even get down to 1000!
Last week I got rid of two bags of old clothes to Remains. They were to damaged to go to Goodwill.
Today I am donating 6 bags to Children's Homes Services. They called ME to do a pickup! How did they know???? So it prompted me to get rid of a bunch of stuff that was on my out list, like my old record player (since I got rid of my records, what do I need a record player for?), a backpack carrier someone gave us, stuffed animals with eyes that people gave us for Bea (heeeelloooo?), some clothes she was grown out of, all of our plastic sports bottles (we switched to Siggs two years ago or so) and some other random stuff. It's taking up 1/4 of the front porch! That's a lot of stuff OUT THE DOOR!
***
This last week Bea has been so happy. There has been just a big change in her. She is outgoing and exploring more in strange places.
It's been sunny and warm here, and I am sure that is a contributing factor. I am feeling happier, and really hoping we are through the worst of winter. It was a cold one this year.
Wewent to the Botanical Garden on Sunday. Beanie was waving at everything and eerybody - including the plants. We skipped the indoor orchid show since it was so nice outside. The witch hazels were in bloom - one of my favorite!
Monday we went to Baby Bookworms at the library, and Bea just enjoyed herself! She was trying to get to the book that the librarian was reading and crawling around and interacting with the other babies. She fell asleep in the car, so I went to our large city park to edit while she slept. When she woke up we went to the zoo. We saw the chimps enjoying the sun just like us. But, honestly, I think she likes the Botanical Garden better. She didn't wave at any of the animals. That's my girl!
Tuesday we were walking to the YMCA, but Bea fell asleep in the stroller, so we sat in the park and I read a book on Montessori. When she woke up we went to the playground. I sat her on the gym, and we met a little boy about her age. She also went on the swing.
Wednesday we went to La Leche League meeting. The moms sit in a circle in a church nursery (in the little kiddie chairs, comfortable it is not!). The wee babies stay in mothers' arms, the ones 6 mos + play inside the circle, and the older kids play on the other side of the room where all the toys are. At one point, Bea looked over where the bigger kids were creating mayhem, and I told her *I* wasn't ready for her to go ver there (There's older siblings in the 4-5 age range and they were wound up). But, then again later Bea looked over and tried to exit the circle of chairs, so I let her go. She played over there with many toys quite happily for a good long time. *I* kept looking over my shoulder for her. I wanted to be sure that the older kids were being careful with a baby over there. Pretty soon, I fear, I won't be able to say she is the baby. She will be one of the rough and tumble toddlers.
I am glad she is feeling more secure and can venture out. This bodes well for me leaving her at the tot watch at the YMCA, so I can go work out.
Today is the last day of her 10th month. It's been a whirlwind. I am happy that she is growing and progressing and learning and changing, but it is happening all a little too fast for this mama.
***
As you can see, we've been quite busy with this wonderful weather, hence the lack of posting. Today we will just take a walk around our neighborhood park and maybe play in the front yard. I need to cut back the old perennials, which did not get done int he fall as I usually do. Babies really interrupt gardening...
***
Yesterday I had the thought to get the LLL leader training. The leaders of our group are really wonderful and I wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to train with them. One of the places that Triple S is interviewing seems to have less LLL groups. I'll have to research the breastfeeding rates there. It's a more conservative part of the country, so I imagine breastfeeding in public is seriously frowned upon.
I'll have to seriously consider this over the net few days, how it fits into the next year, the next five and after that.
Last week I got rid of two bags of old clothes to Remains. They were to damaged to go to Goodwill.
Today I am donating 6 bags to Children's Homes Services. They called ME to do a pickup! How did they know???? So it prompted me to get rid of a bunch of stuff that was on my out list, like my old record player (since I got rid of my records, what do I need a record player for?), a backpack carrier someone gave us, stuffed animals with eyes that people gave us for Bea (heeeelloooo?), some clothes she was grown out of, all of our plastic sports bottles (we switched to Siggs two years ago or so) and some other random stuff. It's taking up 1/4 of the front porch! That's a lot of stuff OUT THE DOOR!
***
This last week Bea has been so happy. There has been just a big change in her. She is outgoing and exploring more in strange places.
It's been sunny and warm here, and I am sure that is a contributing factor. I am feeling happier, and really hoping we are through the worst of winter. It was a cold one this year.
Wewent to the Botanical Garden on Sunday. Beanie was waving at everything and eerybody - including the plants. We skipped the indoor orchid show since it was so nice outside. The witch hazels were in bloom - one of my favorite!
Monday we went to Baby Bookworms at the library, and Bea just enjoyed herself! She was trying to get to the book that the librarian was reading and crawling around and interacting with the other babies. She fell asleep in the car, so I went to our large city park to edit while she slept. When she woke up we went to the zoo. We saw the chimps enjoying the sun just like us. But, honestly, I think she likes the Botanical Garden better. She didn't wave at any of the animals. That's my girl!
Tuesday we were walking to the YMCA, but Bea fell asleep in the stroller, so we sat in the park and I read a book on Montessori. When she woke up we went to the playground. I sat her on the gym, and we met a little boy about her age. She also went on the swing.
Wednesday we went to La Leche League meeting. The moms sit in a circle in a church nursery (in the little kiddie chairs, comfortable it is not!). The wee babies stay in mothers' arms, the ones 6 mos + play inside the circle, and the older kids play on the other side of the room where all the toys are. At one point, Bea looked over where the bigger kids were creating mayhem, and I told her *I* wasn't ready for her to go ver there (There's older siblings in the 4-5 age range and they were wound up). But, then again later Bea looked over and tried to exit the circle of chairs, so I let her go. She played over there with many toys quite happily for a good long time. *I* kept looking over my shoulder for her. I wanted to be sure that the older kids were being careful with a baby over there. Pretty soon, I fear, I won't be able to say she is the baby. She will be one of the rough and tumble toddlers.
I am glad she is feeling more secure and can venture out. This bodes well for me leaving her at the tot watch at the YMCA, so I can go work out.
Today is the last day of her 10th month. It's been a whirlwind. I am happy that she is growing and progressing and learning and changing, but it is happening all a little too fast for this mama.
***
As you can see, we've been quite busy with this wonderful weather, hence the lack of posting. Today we will just take a walk around our neighborhood park and maybe play in the front yard. I need to cut back the old perennials, which did not get done int he fall as I usually do. Babies really interrupt gardening...
***
Yesterday I had the thought to get the LLL leader training. The leaders of our group are really wonderful and I wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to train with them. One of the places that Triple S is interviewing seems to have less LLL groups. I'll have to research the breastfeeding rates there. It's a more conservative part of the country, so I imagine breastfeeding in public is seriously frowned upon.
I'll have to seriously consider this over the net few days, how it fits into the next year, the next five and after that.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
V-Day
Triple S just showed me the valentine he got for Bea. So cute.
breaks my heart
that this is the first year we bought a valentine for a little girl
***
My hairdresser asked me today if we will have another, because it's not good for Bea to be an only child.
But she isn't.
But she is. Alone.
***
And, no, I am not really feeling like being pregnant again. Although I loved being pregnant and never had 'bad' symptoms, it's just too overwhelmingly stressful to even think about it.
***
I hope your Valentine's Day is filled with love, and chocolate.
breaks my heart
that this is the first year we bought a valentine for a little girl
***
My hairdresser asked me today if we will have another, because it's not good for Bea to be an only child.
But she isn't.
But she is. Alone.
***
And, no, I am not really feeling like being pregnant again. Although I loved being pregnant and never had 'bad' symptoms, it's just too overwhelmingly stressful to even think about it.
***
I hope your Valentine's Day is filled with love, and chocolate.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Ice, ice everywhere
The ice is finally starting to get under control around here. There are now tire tracks in our street and alley.
Bea's had a playgroup both Monday and today. Another playdate tomorrow. This girl has a busy social schedule. Poor mama can barely keep up.
But, she falls asleep in the car afterwards, and usually sleeps longer than at home, so I can get some editing done. It doesn't hurt that I don't have internet in my car - so I HAVE to edit instead of surf.
Serenity's day passed, there were some tears but it wasn't incapacitating. We read two poems in the park. I lost it on 'I am in the birds that sing', as I always was warmed last winter, while I was pregnant with Bea and approaching Serenity's 2nd birthday, by the birds at my feeder in my office window and as I had taken bird seed as the offering to the ancestors while we burned incense.
Bea is dressed in spring colors today. Think it and it will come, right? She looks so darn cute. She is also diaperless right now. She seems happier. Well, she just has to hold up her 'end' of the bargain and let me know when she has to potty. I've taken every 20 min for two rounds now, and she 'niao niaos'* a little bit. Maybe she is doing better with this EC than I thought!
Over the last, snowed-in week I added many new blogs to my google reader. Stuff on simplifying (both mental and physical), a montessori blog, other parenting blogs. I am running out of ideas here for things to do with Bea. The last month the focus has been social things, like the playgroups. But she is sleeping less now, so I think there is time to add more activities. Plus she is getting stuff more and more. She still likes to crawl and cruise around herself, exploring. At these times, she isn't really interested if I try to get her to 'play' with me. She also doesn't care for book being read or shown to her. But, I still try to read at least one a day. Eventually she'll be in to it. She likes bouncy games and mama-jungle gym and doesn't seem to mind me singing to her. But, mostly it's all about the search for trouble.
*It's the Chinese for urinating, and I didn't want to say peepee and I didn't want anything that she would hear by others and go at the wrong time!
Bea's had a playgroup both Monday and today. Another playdate tomorrow. This girl has a busy social schedule. Poor mama can barely keep up.
But, she falls asleep in the car afterwards, and usually sleeps longer than at home, so I can get some editing done. It doesn't hurt that I don't have internet in my car - so I HAVE to edit instead of surf.
Serenity's day passed, there were some tears but it wasn't incapacitating. We read two poems in the park. I lost it on 'I am in the birds that sing', as I always was warmed last winter, while I was pregnant with Bea and approaching Serenity's 2nd birthday, by the birds at my feeder in my office window and as I had taken bird seed as the offering to the ancestors while we burned incense.
Bea is dressed in spring colors today. Think it and it will come, right? She looks so darn cute. She is also diaperless right now. She seems happier. Well, she just has to hold up her 'end' of the bargain and let me know when she has to potty. I've taken every 20 min for two rounds now, and she 'niao niaos'* a little bit. Maybe she is doing better with this EC than I thought!
Over the last, snowed-in week I added many new blogs to my google reader. Stuff on simplifying (both mental and physical), a montessori blog, other parenting blogs. I am running out of ideas here for things to do with Bea. The last month the focus has been social things, like the playgroups. But she is sleeping less now, so I think there is time to add more activities. Plus she is getting stuff more and more. She still likes to crawl and cruise around herself, exploring. At these times, she isn't really interested if I try to get her to 'play' with me. She also doesn't care for book being read or shown to her. But, I still try to read at least one a day. Eventually she'll be in to it. She likes bouncy games and mama-jungle gym and doesn't seem to mind me singing to her. But, mostly it's all about the search for trouble.
*It's the Chinese for urinating, and I didn't want to say peepee and I didn't want anything that she would hear by others and go at the wrong time!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
February 6, 2011
Oh Serenity. I miss you, girl.
***
Bea has a multitude of nicknames. So many, in fact, that I don't think she recognizes any as 'her' name.
As a matter of fact, the dog also has many nicknames. She does know her 'given' name. She also basically just answers to tone of voice, as we've tried calling her in gibberish and she still answers. Such is a dog.
The cat also has a few nicknames.
But Serenity, Serenity is just Serenity.
We rarely refer to her by her Chinese name. She never got a sweet name like cutie or sweetie. She never learned to smile. She never was a stinker nor acted squirrly.
She never revealed her personality to us. She never had favorites. She never did anything remarkable.
But we love her still.
***
I see her in the butterflies, the snow, the rain, the fall leaves. Today we will burn incense for Da Ku* and Serenity at the park. I will put out birdseed where we released butterflies. We will read a poem or two out in the cold, on this overcast day. And we will bake a cake.
* Triple S' oldest aunt passed away and her funeral is today (or yesterday) in China.
***
Bea has a multitude of nicknames. So many, in fact, that I don't think she recognizes any as 'her' name.
As a matter of fact, the dog also has many nicknames. She does know her 'given' name. She also basically just answers to tone of voice, as we've tried calling her in gibberish and she still answers. Such is a dog.
The cat also has a few nicknames.
But Serenity, Serenity is just Serenity.
We rarely refer to her by her Chinese name. She never got a sweet name like cutie or sweetie. She never learned to smile. She never was a stinker nor acted squirrly.
She never revealed her personality to us. She never had favorites. She never did anything remarkable.
But we love her still.
***
I see her in the butterflies, the snow, the rain, the fall leaves. Today we will burn incense for Da Ku* and Serenity at the park. I will put out birdseed where we released butterflies. We will read a poem or two out in the cold, on this overcast day. And we will bake a cake.
* Triple S' oldest aunt passed away and her funeral is today (or yesterday) in China.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Morton's Salt and Niagara Falls
If you would, please push play on this video as you read today's post.
Bea wakes up this morning and proceeds to scramble all over me and to serenade me awake with her loud and high-pitched squeals. When I finally open my eyes, I can only smile at her. Dotingly, Motherly.
When Triple S gets his first permanent position, it will double his salary. I have been contemplating and planning for this. We live quite comfortably on his current salary, and we could certainly live on less. We made it through grad school after all.
Neither of us grew up with much (too much). I surpassed my father's factory wage with my first job, I'm sure. Triple S and I discussed as part of our goals how to teach Bea to be frugal, like we were raised. To avoid entitlement and the search for happiness in the acquisition of stuff.
Although we will have plenty of money, it won't be limitless. Our space won't be limitless. Our landfills and resources are not limitless.
The only thing that can be limitless is our love.
Time is not limitless. Oh, dear mamas, have we learned that the hard way. We only have the now.
As Mrs. Spit takes her first decisive steps down a new path, I have been holding her and Mr Spit in my heart, and meditating on issues that their situation raises. What it means to have a family, What you have on your deathbed.
As death rattles my chest, do I think about the TV shows I have watched, the toys and gadgets I have had over the years (and how quickly they get out of date)? Do I think about my favorite meal and all the food I have enjoyed over my life? Do I think about this smile, with a tongue sticking out, that I am seeing as Bea bounces on my lap? On my last breath, I hope to feel love in my heart. To die with that rapture.
I can only think that Serenity will be my last thought. Do I get to be with her now?
The expression of my grief has changed radically over these last 10 months. The way that I experience my grief has changed. It's no longer that stabbing, heart-wrenching ache.
Just a few days after we had conceived Bea, we stopped by Niagara Falls. To see that awesome power, mostly left undisturbed by man. I believe there is a power station there, harnessing some of that power. But the river is not dammed or redirected. It seems limitless.
You can try to ride down the falls in a wine cask. You might make it through to the mist. You migh see a rainbow in that mist.
Triple S and I have survived that awesome and fearful power of our daughter's death. The grief still flows, but I have learned to channel it, to harness some of that energy for something positive. Yet, sometimes I step back, by giving myself the space and time to do so, and experience the majesty, the strength, of the emotion.
I channel that intensity into my patience with and love for Bea. She is the recipient of the love I have for both of my girls, since one isn't here to grow and change and captivate and receive. And boy does that girl require patience.
I try to keep my love free-flowing, like that salt from the Morton's salt girl. Even as my grief rains down on me.
My sister gave Bea the "Peter, Paul and Mommy" CD for Christmas. She and I grew up listening to Peter, Paul and Mary, and they are one of the few artists I have seen perform live. I wouldn't consider this CD a typical compilation for children. It's melancholy. It includes 'Day is Done', which is sung from the perspective of parent to child. Yes, child, I can comfort you when you fear thunder. But I can't save you from what mankind has done. After all these years, I am still not sure about the third verse. This song has always made me sad, even as a kid, when my sister and I would sing it in the car as our family traveled the 'great' American highways. While there are some simple, silly songs on it, most are complicated, nostalgic, full of the rainbow of emotions one experiences in a rich life. I am glad Bea has this CD.
And don't even get me started on how sad 'Puff the Magic Dragon' is: love and loss. I hope to cultivate and keep the love flowing around here.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Snow bound
Since we have been staying home this week, there's been no car rides for good naps. So, the last three days I have 'recreated' the carseat (which puts her to sleep sometimes before I even have her strapped in!) by putting the bouncy seat back into commission - I have it on our bog coffee table, sitting next to me and facing the window so she can see the light and sky - just like the back window of the car. Today, she fussed a bit for only a few minutes and zonked out! Why didn't I think of this MONTHS ago!?!
***
Triple S and I did a little goal exercise last night. I had asked him a week or so ago about it, he forgot, I asked him again and it was like the first time he had heard the idea! But I used the 'new year' card. He actually ended up liking it, we got to discuss or ideas/hopes/dreams about the move. I told him I had been reading these minimalist things and wanted him to know so he knew where I was getting all these 'weird' ideas from. It was good. I jotted notes - so we can remember!
***
In pursuant with my goal to get rid of at least a few things every week, I've got a plastic grocery bag of clothes to go to Remains and a paper bag of clothing and hair accessories (haven't seen my new haircut yet?) to go to consignment. Remains is a cool business. They'll take old clothes, sell them locally if 'good' enough, and trickle down through selling internationally to developing countries. If the cloth (they take all cloth, like linen, upholstery, curtains) is not good enough for that, they recycle the fibers. So, I send my stained or other bad stuff there.
***
I dusted Serenity's shelf today. That frees up some time for me on Sunday. I think I will finally sit and read some of 'They Were Still Born.' I am thinking that the essays don't need read in order? I am not sure which I will read; maybe one of the authors that I am not familiar with. I haven't felt like I had the space to read in this book yet, but I want to take some time for it.
***
Hm, I have a chiropractor appt. tonite. That means I have to leave the house and go into the cold. Brr. It's been nice hibernating this week. I think I needed it, emotionally and house chore wise. Outings with Bea take a lot of time and energy. The house is feeling so much more peaceful.
***
Triple S and I did a little goal exercise last night. I had asked him a week or so ago about it, he forgot, I asked him again and it was like the first time he had heard the idea! But I used the 'new year' card. He actually ended up liking it, we got to discuss or ideas/hopes/dreams about the move. I told him I had been reading these minimalist things and wanted him to know so he knew where I was getting all these 'weird' ideas from. It was good. I jotted notes - so we can remember!
***
In pursuant with my goal to get rid of at least a few things every week, I've got a plastic grocery bag of clothes to go to Remains and a paper bag of clothing and hair accessories (haven't seen my new haircut yet?) to go to consignment. Remains is a cool business. They'll take old clothes, sell them locally if 'good' enough, and trickle down through selling internationally to developing countries. If the cloth (they take all cloth, like linen, upholstery, curtains) is not good enough for that, they recycle the fibers. So, I send my stained or other bad stuff there.
***
I dusted Serenity's shelf today. That frees up some time for me on Sunday. I think I will finally sit and read some of 'They Were Still Born.' I am thinking that the essays don't need read in order? I am not sure which I will read; maybe one of the authors that I am not familiar with. I haven't felt like I had the space to read in this book yet, but I want to take some time for it.
***
Hm, I have a chiropractor appt. tonite. That means I have to leave the house and go into the cold. Brr. It's been nice hibernating this week. I think I needed it, emotionally and house chore wise. Outings with Bea take a lot of time and energy. The house is feeling so much more peaceful.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
So far this Blursday
Last night we three had squash french fries for dinner. Yummy.
I peel and cut the squash, rub the slices with a bit of flax and grapeseed oils, and roast them at 375. They get firm enough on the outside that it is not complete mush as Bea consumes them. I also cute small, pea-sized pieces to try to get Bea working on her pincer grip. She doesn't quite have it yet. When she masters it, it will be so much easier to let her feed herself! Right now she milks most of her food in her hand, with very little getting to the mouth.
***
Bea loves guacamole and azheefa. Those with nachos was the first part of my lunch, before trying to nurse her to sleep. Second part of my lunch is so far consisting of an apple with peanut butter and applesauce. Varied it is not. Bea has already scarfed down and or dropped another squash fry. Now she is working on some apple.
***
There's an interesting discussion going on over at Minimalist Mom regarding leaving the career track to stay at home with the kiddos. I think it also encompasses alternative careers. For instance, I don't plan on re-entering the rat race - I have other plans with an entrepreneurial bent!
***
Xinnian Kuai Le! Happy Year of the rabbit.
And that's me, I am a rabbit. It's my year?
It's funny that Bea is a tiger (2010), I am a rabbit (75) and Triple S is a dragon (76). All not supposed to get along. No wonder it's so fiery in this household!
***
Our playdate canceled for today, so we are hibernating for another day! I've got the rest of the living and dining room cleaned (I just need to vacuum and sweep again, since it's been 24 hrs - darn dog). This is maybe the third time I have dusted in here in a year (one of them before Bea was born). And to think, I used to dust all my nicknacks and photos EVERY WEEK! But I feel good getting it a little clean for the new year.
***
Yesterday Bea discovered her own poo. I am actually surprised it took her this long. We have been doing a lazy form of elimination communication. Mostly the communication part doesn't really work for us. But, she usually will poo on the potty. Since she has been eating more solids, they have firmed up a bit. So, she started in her diaper, and I got her to the potty. I ran off to the bathroom to wash out the diaper. Well, since she has been standing up, she has started standing up from the potty. I got back into the nursery in time to see some poo being milked in her hand! I told Triple S last night and he was like "Ew, don't tell me these things". But I thought it was kind of funny. And I *think* I caught her in time... Then we all needed wardrobe changes because I picked her up so quickly that she got me too. Oh, Bea.
Blackmail story for later in life??
I peel and cut the squash, rub the slices with a bit of flax and grapeseed oils, and roast them at 375. They get firm enough on the outside that it is not complete mush as Bea consumes them. I also cute small, pea-sized pieces to try to get Bea working on her pincer grip. She doesn't quite have it yet. When she masters it, it will be so much easier to let her feed herself! Right now she milks most of her food in her hand, with very little getting to the mouth.
***
Bea loves guacamole and azheefa. Those with nachos was the first part of my lunch, before trying to nurse her to sleep. Second part of my lunch is so far consisting of an apple with peanut butter and applesauce. Varied it is not. Bea has already scarfed down and or dropped another squash fry. Now she is working on some apple.
***
There's an interesting discussion going on over at Minimalist Mom regarding leaving the career track to stay at home with the kiddos. I think it also encompasses alternative careers. For instance, I don't plan on re-entering the rat race - I have other plans with an entrepreneurial bent!
***
Xinnian Kuai Le! Happy Year of the rabbit.
And that's me, I am a rabbit. It's my year?
It's funny that Bea is a tiger (2010), I am a rabbit (75) and Triple S is a dragon (76). All not supposed to get along. No wonder it's so fiery in this household!
***
Our playdate canceled for today, so we are hibernating for another day! I've got the rest of the living and dining room cleaned (I just need to vacuum and sweep again, since it's been 24 hrs - darn dog). This is maybe the third time I have dusted in here in a year (one of them before Bea was born). And to think, I used to dust all my nicknacks and photos EVERY WEEK! But I feel good getting it a little clean for the new year.
***
Yesterday Bea discovered her own poo. I am actually surprised it took her this long. We have been doing a lazy form of elimination communication. Mostly the communication part doesn't really work for us. But, she usually will poo on the potty. Since she has been eating more solids, they have firmed up a bit. So, she started in her diaper, and I got her to the potty. I ran off to the bathroom to wash out the diaper. Well, since she has been standing up, she has started standing up from the potty. I got back into the nursery in time to see some poo being milked in her hand! I told Triple S last night and he was like "Ew, don't tell me these things". But I thought it was kind of funny. And I *think* I caught her in time... Then we all needed wardrobe changes because I picked her up so quickly that she got me too. Oh, Bea.
Blackmail story for later in life??
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Three Years Out
It's three years out. And where do I find myself?
As I was laying next to Bea while she fell asleep, I risked opening my eyes (in case she was still looking at me) to look at her. I tried to superimpose what I can remember of Serenity's face onto Bea's. I know they looked different, but how I can't even think of for myself, let alone put into words.
Serenity's eyebrows were unique, jetting out at the ends, more upwards. They are like someone's in the family, somewhat but not quite. Over the last three years, I have stared at eyebrows in the family.
Serenity didn't have the cheeks that Miss B has had since birth. Her cheeks are actually now a bit more proportional to her head, although they are still her distinguishing feature and receive comments every time we go out. I also have a sense that Serenity's head was bigger, in proportion to the rest of her. Bea has a tiny little, very round head. Serenity's was more oblong.
Serenity had a bigger mouth, but I think the shape was similar. And I guess her nose and ears were much like Bea's too.
As these memories of Serenity's face fade, I can only tell myself that they are sisters, they probably looked more alike than different. Although, with the wide gene pool mix, I am not sure how true that holds. My sister and I look similar to other people (a store clerk thought we were twins during her last visit), but I think we look really different.
When we look at pictures of my paternal grandmother when she was young, we can see that my one cousin and my sister look strikingly similar to the unwrinkled version of my grandmother. I don't think that I look like she did. Will we see my grandmother in Bea?
My grandmother lost a daughter, when she was a toddler, due to diabetes. Although we don't directly correspond much about our grief (I write something about it; she responds with a lament about the weather), I feel like it should have made us closer. I plan to go home this summer for a week. I hope to spend some quiet time with my grandmother. She was never close to us grandkids. Although my sister and I visited her every week. We were to behave at Grandma's. But she is always very well-informed about the family and writes to the grandkids religiously, often without response. Since Serenity and since Bea, I have tried to correspond better with her. Plus, I know her friends and family are dying, and her lifeline of letters is shrinking.
Triple S gets frustrated with how my family is. They talk about the news of the people, but he thinks they don't care, that they care only about gossip. But I know that it is how they show concern. They all know what happens, that so and so is sick, or that one of my dad's cousin's kid is getting bone-marrow transplants. But there won't be a deep emotional discussion about it. But you do get sympathy and get-well cards from my family. I never realized that this was so until I was in a position to receive sympathy cards (with Serenity's death) and get well cards (I'll eventually tell you all what happened after Bea was born).
And birthday cards. My grandmother and my aunt (only living one on that side of the family) have sent me a birthday card through college, and all the moves. This year I will send them birthday cards. I've been unreliable about that in the past. I hope to make them.
And where does Serenity sit in my extended family? What did they say when they heard the news from my father that she had died? I guess my grandmother would have prayed for her. But I will never know her inner thoughts, then or now. My aunts/unlces sent sympathy cards.
Do they give her a thought now, as this day that is not a birthday approaches?
I think about her. I wonder what a three year old would be like in this house. I wonder what she would look like. Maybe in two years I will have an idea, when Bea is three.
However, for the most part, I think this third year is about peace and acceptance. That sounds good, no? But, the word ambivalence comes to mind these last several days. That doesn't sound quite so good. To be ambivalent about your baby's death. It seems that I should have strong negative feelings about it.
She's dead. There's no amount of crying, pining, or cursing that is going to change that. The day that she was delivered is this week. It is a mark in time. We will bake a simple, light cake again this year. I will dust off her shelf of things, which is as neglected as the rest of the dusting around here. I will think of her, intentionally. But, Sunday will probably end up much like any other lazy-around-the-house Sunday. Triple S even said something about some football game.
And I am alright with that. He can spend some hours watching that game. As long as he is chasing Bea for that time instead of me!
I can see the snow falling outside. Each big, fluffy flake is meandering down, caught on a drift, taking its time to join the other snowflakes on the ground, unsure of which one to sidle up to. It's peaceful, because it is light flurries. It's not a blinding, all-encompassing maelstrom.
Not right now.
As I was laying next to Bea while she fell asleep, I risked opening my eyes (in case she was still looking at me) to look at her. I tried to superimpose what I can remember of Serenity's face onto Bea's. I know they looked different, but how I can't even think of for myself, let alone put into words.
Serenity's eyebrows were unique, jetting out at the ends, more upwards. They are like someone's in the family, somewhat but not quite. Over the last three years, I have stared at eyebrows in the family.
Serenity didn't have the cheeks that Miss B has had since birth. Her cheeks are actually now a bit more proportional to her head, although they are still her distinguishing feature and receive comments every time we go out. I also have a sense that Serenity's head was bigger, in proportion to the rest of her. Bea has a tiny little, very round head. Serenity's was more oblong.
Serenity had a bigger mouth, but I think the shape was similar. And I guess her nose and ears were much like Bea's too.
As these memories of Serenity's face fade, I can only tell myself that they are sisters, they probably looked more alike than different. Although, with the wide gene pool mix, I am not sure how true that holds. My sister and I look similar to other people (a store clerk thought we were twins during her last visit), but I think we look really different.
When we look at pictures of my paternal grandmother when she was young, we can see that my one cousin and my sister look strikingly similar to the unwrinkled version of my grandmother. I don't think that I look like she did. Will we see my grandmother in Bea?
My grandmother lost a daughter, when she was a toddler, due to diabetes. Although we don't directly correspond much about our grief (I write something about it; she responds with a lament about the weather), I feel like it should have made us closer. I plan to go home this summer for a week. I hope to spend some quiet time with my grandmother. She was never close to us grandkids. Although my sister and I visited her every week. We were to behave at Grandma's. But she is always very well-informed about the family and writes to the grandkids religiously, often without response. Since Serenity and since Bea, I have tried to correspond better with her. Plus, I know her friends and family are dying, and her lifeline of letters is shrinking.
Triple S gets frustrated with how my family is. They talk about the news of the people, but he thinks they don't care, that they care only about gossip. But I know that it is how they show concern. They all know what happens, that so and so is sick, or that one of my dad's cousin's kid is getting bone-marrow transplants. But there won't be a deep emotional discussion about it. But you do get sympathy and get-well cards from my family. I never realized that this was so until I was in a position to receive sympathy cards (with Serenity's death) and get well cards (I'll eventually tell you all what happened after Bea was born).
And birthday cards. My grandmother and my aunt (only living one on that side of the family) have sent me a birthday card through college, and all the moves. This year I will send them birthday cards. I've been unreliable about that in the past. I hope to make them.
And where does Serenity sit in my extended family? What did they say when they heard the news from my father that she had died? I guess my grandmother would have prayed for her. But I will never know her inner thoughts, then or now. My aunts/unlces sent sympathy cards.
Do they give her a thought now, as this day that is not a birthday approaches?
I think about her. I wonder what a three year old would be like in this house. I wonder what she would look like. Maybe in two years I will have an idea, when Bea is three.
However, for the most part, I think this third year is about peace and acceptance. That sounds good, no? But, the word ambivalence comes to mind these last several days. That doesn't sound quite so good. To be ambivalent about your baby's death. It seems that I should have strong negative feelings about it.
She's dead. There's no amount of crying, pining, or cursing that is going to change that. The day that she was delivered is this week. It is a mark in time. We will bake a simple, light cake again this year. I will dust off her shelf of things, which is as neglected as the rest of the dusting around here. I will think of her, intentionally. But, Sunday will probably end up much like any other lazy-around-the-house Sunday. Triple S even said something about some football game.
And I am alright with that. He can spend some hours watching that game. As long as he is chasing Bea for that time instead of me!
I can see the snow falling outside. Each big, fluffy flake is meandering down, caught on a drift, taking its time to join the other snowflakes on the ground, unsure of which one to sidle up to. It's peaceful, because it is light flurries. It's not a blinding, all-encompassing maelstrom.
Not right now.
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