Random thoughts downloaded

If things had worked out differently, Triple S and I could now be parenting two girls under the age of two - both in diapers.

***

I am my mother's friend's shadow baby. Her son died during delivery at around the same time I was born. My sister and her second child, a daughter, are the same age. Their third is a few years younger than them. I vaguely remember him as a baby, nursing, in a swing. I never knew about her first son until maybe I was in high school or even college.

***

On Friday, as I was driving to one of my garden plots, I had that familiar, concurrent hollowness to the point of feeling crushed and fullness to the point of bursting in my chest. The grip of grief.

Last night, while I was "sleeping", I was angry again. Angry at my womb, our umbilical cord, at whatever twist or movement on whoever's part that got that cord too tight or kinked.

***

We went to see the Terminator movie last night. The theater was so empty! Wow, this economy must be really bad.

The movie was good, better than I had expected. I was hoping they wouldn't ruin the series. I liked the first two movies. While we were driving home, I told Triple S I want one of those kick-ass sawed-off grenade launchers. This morning I am thinking we should get solar panels, just in case the terminators attack...

Good thing I can garden.

Last night I dreamed that the world was, ya know, apocalyptic, and Triple S and I were hiding, with a wee baby. Hand washing diapers - not fun. But, we had a baby!

***

I am sure I have mentioned this before, but Triple S loves mysteries. Sherlock Holmes, Agatha Christie. At one point, we watched this show from BBC about these gardening ladies that solved crimes, Rosemary and Thyme or something. Now, he has discovered that all the Murder, She Wrote episodes are airing on cable, and he's been recording and watching them. He made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone what channel he is recording these from!

I remember watching this series as a kid and thinking, 'if Angela Lansbury ever shows up in my town, I am leaving, because surely someone is to be murdered shortly!'

Guess who is excited about the upcoming Sherlock Holmes movie? The preview looked awesome; too bad Triple S was in the bathroom.

***

Triple S thinks I should write a TV series, possibly for air on unmentionable station, about the gardening help desk where I work. It'd be a comedy about the crazy volunteers I work with, the really odd questions we get at the desk, the weird things that happen there, and some usefull gardening tips. I still don't think it would top the melodrama that is the research bench.

***

I am bummed that they canceled Life. We like all these quirky shows that never last long enough. At least Chuck is saved, for now.

Does anyone know if they are re-airing the first season of Castle, maybe on a cable channel? We loved the series Firefly and loved the actor who played Mal (and the Baldwin who is on Chuck). Since we DVR and don't watch commercials, we found out about it late in the season.

***
Download complete.

Weekly Bloom Report - 5/19/09

Hydrophyllum virginianum - Virginia waterleaf

Stylophorum diphyllum - Celandine poppy

Aquilegia canadensis - Eastern Columbine

Monarda fistulosa - wild bergamot

and....

Danaus plexippus - Monarch caterpillar

I'm busy (uh-huh uh-huh) and I like it

I am far behind on my google reader, and thus my commenting on your blogs.

It is full-swing planting season.

I don't know exactly how this all worked out, but I've now got gardening space in two different community gardens, and all without having to pay the rental fee!

The one garden is just free, since it is on school property and the city delivers the soil and provides water for free. I have about 5 feet in a raised bed.


The other garden is managed (and was started, 10 years ago) by one of the ladies that volunteers at the garden where I work. Last Saturday, I asked her if she needed any volunteers, and she told me to come up on Friday. (See, I like gardening soooo much that I am volunteering to do it! - I have too much gardening energy for my little yard). An older lady there rents three beds (to a tune of ~$70 each!) and broke her foot. So, I am going to take care of her beds for the summer (or two months or so), and I can plant and harvest a few things for myself. Yippee!

Which all leads to why I am so behind on google reader. I am freakin busy! Triple S says I am like in some gardening mafia or something, because I have my fingers in so many projects! The nice thing is, if (when) I get pregnant, if I can't do it, I don't have to. My friend had wanted me to manage a garden to supply her restaurant, but I felt that was too much pressure and that I would have to work in the August heat if I was preggo. This is much better.

Triple S also pointed out that the swim club (our 'country club' as our neighbor calls it, and by country I mean hoosier!) opens up this weekend. Of course, now it is too cool and the water won't be warmed up, but when that really gets going, I will be busy. I'll have to find some time to work!?!

Today I found out that my yoga studio is closing. I feel like me physical support systems are crumbling around me. First, no more insurance coverage for PT, and now the place that I feel comfortable for massage and yoga is closing! The instructor will continue the class at her own studio, but it's a change I don't really need. I am sure it will be fine, but it's been nice to have a routine, especially at someplace so close.

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The Natives are Restless

Some of my woodland native flowers in bloom today:

Ozark Spiderwort, Tradescantia longipes

Fire Pink, Silene virginica
in the back/foreground are leaves of wood violet, may apples, ginger, jacob's ladder, and yellow violet and the trunk of the dogwood, ie the 'woods.'

Purple Rocket, Iodanthus pinnatifidus

Muddling

Triple S and I are cool.

I read to him the blog post and comments last night (yeah- he wants to know but doesn't want to 'read') I had told him I had very many great comments. He felt bad when I read about how he rained on my MD.

We talked about this. I think he suppresses his grief, to support me, and when I am ok, he let's his guard down and his grief comes boiling out.

His work situation is also deteriorating. Well, I don't think the situation is changing, but his ability to tolerate it is drying up. Sunday, he checked his email and his coworker's wife delivered their baby- who wasn't due until June. I think this sent him over. We joke that his lab is very (re)productive. It is raining babies. This Friday was a baby shower, then this other baby is born and one other lady is currently preggo. This in a group of about 15 people (not all childbearing age).

I just wished he would express his grief as grief. Not as misdirected anger at me over something that did not warrant the size of the response.

He always says that when I cry, it hurts his heart. When he is angry, or suffering through this, it hurts me too.

We continue to muddle our way through this.

I thin he needs to "deal" with his grief more, but he is recalcitrant. Don't you all think he should start a blog too? I told him he could post on bad days "this sucks" and that would be enough. Cause he won't always talk to me, or even realize that he needs to talk.

Acceptance brings me Peace

The new view from my office window.



Now, I just need to lure some small birds there. The plant nearly visible at the bottom of the frame is my native columbine.

This is a small orifice feeder, to attract finches an other small songbirds. I also got a hummingbird feeder, but haven't hung it up yet.

***

This morning, finally OPK was positive. Day 30. Triple S audibly breathed a sigh of relief and was as happy as a lark.

We took a long drive today, through hill and dale, literally. Out in the countryside. Triple S wished me a happy MD.

We hiked in a muddy park, got to see a big cave, and wore the dog out.

We bought the bird feeder and the seed.

We stopped at a local dairy and exchanged our old bottles for ice cream. Milk jugs are our savings account (loose less value than stocks), and we only had to pay 20 cents for our malt/ice cream. We had a few bottles.

We came home, where I hung up the feeder and planted some more stuff that I started from seed in the garden. I also planted a Lavender cultivar called "Serenity'.

I had a good day. I felt happy. I miss Serenity, it's always in the background, and I thought of her a lot today. But, today, I felt happy to have been her mom, for the time I had with her.

Then, Triple S got mad at me. I thought he wasn't allowed to get mad at me on MD. I was having a fine day, deadbaby notwithstanding. He's been very sensitive lately, and he has some anger built up or something. He's still prickly, I can sense it. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do with him. I can't tell if he is upset about MD, upset about some jack at work, or what. I think he is mad abut the unfairness of it all. Oh well. I can't ask him these things when he is pissy and expect a decent answer. And I am not too happy with him for raining on my peaceful day.

I think in most ways I have accepted our situation. I have my bad days, but most often they coincide with days of lousy weather or when my body is hurting. For instance, today my back is only a bit tight in the sacrum area, I could walk up steep, muddy hills, and I am without headache or vertigo. If I had been laid up today and it was raining, I think I would feel crummy and more sad.

Now, I say this all the time, but I want to live to honor Serenity's life. I don't want to fight with Triple S or be mad at the world. This morning, when I first woke up and was lying in bed, I tried to direct my thoughts toward the good times when I was pregnant, instead of thinking about the hole in our lives or the time when I realized she wasn't moving anymore or the delivery. I want to remember that happiness, and carry those positive memories and feelings through the day with me.

I am not sure that he is there yet.

Happy Mother's Day to you all, my mama friends in the internets.

Drives are Great for Talkin'

I have been looking forward to today for about 5 months. Today was the native plant sale at a local nature reserve. Multiple vendors come from all over the state to sell their natives. All of my gardening is natives or edibles (except for the gerber daisies I plant in the front porch boxes and plants inherited with the property).

Triple S had a tough week because his coworker's baby shower was today. His boss always hosts the showers after the baby is safely here, because one of her technicians had a stillborn son about 10 years ago. We never had a 'work' shower, and he wanted nothing to do with it today (although he did contribute towards the group gift). So, he planned his day to be over before the shower and came home early. Poor guy. He drove out to the reserve with me.

As we drove through the verdant tree-lined roads, we talked. Triple S feels he received pity at work (short-lived as it was) but little compassion from most of his coworkers (the one who lost her first son and another who had four miscarriages and is now childless have been great - those who get it). For some reason, so many people lack true compassion and empathy.

There seems to be a subtle difference between pity and compassion.

We also talked about a recent story I heard on NPR. It was about the case in Iowa that has legalized gay marriage there. The lawyer that brought the case put into words something that I have always felt but haven't been able to coalesce into a decent paraphrase (Aside from the fact that I identify as a flaming liberal). Basically, this lawyer has worked for years to bring equal rights for LBG to marry. But, she's straight. And the interviewer asked her why she worked to do this. What she said rings so true. I translate it now into my own thoughts. I don't want to see people enslaved, or tattooed to be filed into camps, or treated unfairly or lacking in rights that so many others take for granted. And like the white abolitionists of the North leading up to the Civil War, I am not content living in a society that doesn't offer rights to some but not all, such as accepting that true love can exist between two men or two women. Any two people of adult age should be able to marry, and enjoy all the legal rights and take on all the legal responsibilities of that institution. Triple S retorted that this kind of thinking requires compassion, something we've already seen that so many people lack.

After our deep car conversation, we arrived at the sale, where Triple S helped me carry the plants. I finally found the witch hazel I have been waiting for - I got an Ozark witch hazel for myself and a Virginia for my neighbor ($15 bucks each -a bargain! others I saw at nurseries as high as $120!). This made my day, and made Triple S happy and light because I am happy (he spoils me). Since I saved so much on the witch hazel, I bought several other shade-loving plants for our 'woodland' garden, under our dogwood tree. On the way home, I treated my dear hubby to BBQ, which made him extremely happy.

I am so glad that the days are getting longer. We arrive home and I puttered around in my garden some, planting more basil, sage, calendula, and even risking some gerber daisies. Unfortunately, I was so excited to take care of my posies that I let the dog eat the leftovers. So, I guess I made her happy today too.

I have a wish for this Sunday, and that is to go hunt out a bird feeder for my office window. Other than that, MD is not really bothering me that much. I think that how much I have been looking forward to the plant sale this weekend has outshone the holiday glaring at me on the calender. I sent my mom some generic card, because I didn't want to read too many and because I don't feel like she has really been all that supportive. Well, she doesn't say too many unsupportive things, and I don't try to talk to her about anything anymore anyway.

For all of you out there, I wish you a peaceful and safe Mother's Day. I hope those near you find the ability to feel compassion. May you handle it with grace and may your heart be filled with love.

And please, go give love to my IRL friend who just miscarried her son's little sibling.

Hmph

The darn insurance company is saying that I am done with physical therapy. Hmph. I disagree.

We will see.

Five OPKs since day 23 and no second line. Hmph.

And no temperature shift. Hmph hmph.

It amazes me how much better I am able to function is when my back, neck, hips, shoulders, head, paraspinals, laterals, levators, or quadra.tus lumborum are not hurting me intensely. I am surprised each good day. I have more bad days than good, so that I forget how it feels to be good. I want to tilt that balance the other way, so that I can evetually forget what the bad days feel like.

I hope to find myself a bird feeder for my office window. I see birds flitting about out of the corner of my eye, but they go by so fast I can't see them in time. I hope a feeder will keep them in my view for a bit longer. That is what I am looking forward to this weekend.

Daily Dribbles and Pearls

Today is the first day the my head hasn't felt something. My back is a bit achy, but that is from the spring cleaning yesterday and the gardening today. The tomatoes, peppers and eggplants are in the soil!

I greatly expanded my arable land this year. I extended my tomato bed to either side using a 'lasagna' method. Instead of breaking my already broken back by digging up the grass, I covered the grass with newspaper and layered old organic matter on top. Today, as I dug through the layer, most of the grass was dead. I layered on some more leaf mould after planting. Now, just 40-60 more days...

I am hosting our nascent writing group tonight. I feel that my writing is currently stuffed up. Hopefully I can get it going again!

After gardening (and showering, of course) I got dressed for my later company, ie, wearing something other than yoga pants. I am wearing a blue jeans skirt and burnt orange top, and a strand of mother of pearls with matching bracelet. Now, I still had to straighten out the living room and set out the tea, the homemade cookies (shortbread, 3rd attempt), and the cute little tea service set that I have yet to have an occasion to use (only service for four, we usually have more over at a time, or recently, noone!), and prepare dinner. Not wanting to get my clothes all dirty, I put on my apron. I bought this apron at an estate sale, and it actually matches the orange top that I had put on. Whoa, wait, did you miss it? I am doing housework in pearls.

While meandering through my daily nothings, I forgot to mention that I am not really sure where I am in my grief anymore. I am pretty stressed out about this whole next pregnancy thing, my body is at odds with its resident, and I am not looking forward to missing my daughter every day of my life until the end of my days. It's tiresome when I think about it long term like that. But, more on all that later, I hear something trying to boil over out in the kitchen. Gad, what did housewives do without the internet? Housework? And speaking of housewives from the 50s, where is my mail? I haven't gotten any yet this week.

Wait a second, which rollercoaster am I on?

If it's not the deadbabyland loop-de-loop, it's one of the rides of unpredictable health.

Last week I was on the skull crusher with a 3-day migraine, this week I've been on the vortex, with vertigo (3rd day - yippee!). These rides might be free, but I can't get off them when I want to.

I am frustrated. I am nearing my wit's end.

Any suggestions? I am thinking a naturepath, accupuncture, you name it. If anyone has any experience with getting the body back in balance, please relate, through a comment or email. I don't know what is off, but I can't take this anymore.