It is snowing

It is snowing - these big, clunky, slow-falling snowflakes. I think it is a good excuse not to go to the gym. Oh, but I should go to the gym. Maybe later.

I haven't been posting much. I don't know why. I feel less dependent on extracting negative emotions. Was I co-dependent on my blog and my commentors before??

Sometimes I wonder if Triple S and I are codependent. Ok, I have never really understood this term, but Triple S and I like to be together. We like to be around each other. We often talk around lunch time. Well, if it is a psychaological problem, too bad, I like it.

The funny thing is how Triple S reacts to his Saturdays lately. For five years, he worked most Saturdays, at least through noon, sometimes until 3, at the lab. Since I was no longer in grad school, I was rather enjoying NOT working on Saturdays (and most Sunday mornings for that matter). I putzed around the house, cleaned, did laundry, gardened, etc. Basically, most of the house chores that nobody had time to do through the week (considering I usually didn't get home from work until after 7!). On those rare Saturdays when Triple S would stay home, he mostly disrupted my routine and kinda drove me crazy.

Since Triple S started his new fellowship, he doesn't work Saturdays anymore, although sometiems he studies at home. But, now I work on Saturdays (ah, the price you pay to work just two days a week). Recently, he has been getting a bit mopey about Saturday. He usually has a list of chores, goes to the gym, watches soccer (while folding laundry - that's the deal around here!), and generally has what I would think is a perfectly fine putzy kinda lazy Saturday.

See, this is why I wonder if we are totally too dependent on each other.

I am home alone four days a week. And I love it. I work (I really try to work about two to four hours a day when I have projects in). If I don't have a freelance job, I bake, clean the house, sew, scrapbook (for the winter at least - it's all about gardening in the summer), read a book, go to the gym, run errands. Sometimes I do get bored. About 3 in the afternoon, I am ready for Triple S to come home. I don't cry like I used to. I think the pregnancy hormones are having a great effect on me in that regard. And, at nearly two years since Serenity's death, I think the greif has relaxed its grip on me.

A friend recently asked me what I do all day (she being a scientist who still works 7 days a week, albeit at home on the weekends - working no manuscripts, even finishing up a manuscript while visiting family for Christmas). Triple S quickly jumped in with a "She is being pregnant." That's what he sees as my full time job.

And I can't wait for Beanie to be here and take up all my time! I hope to keep my two-days-a-week job, and keep my freelancing going at about the current rate. But I also want my chance to spoil this little girl to pieces.

About two weeks ago, I got my scrapbooking stuff back out. I want to work on Beanie's scrapbook - we've certainly got enough ultrasound pictures to fill-up several pages; although we haven't been taking so many shiny-happy belly shots (That mostly having to do with me looking more fat and less pregnant - that should be changing over soon).

I also got out the scrapbook I started for Serenity. It's got pictures shoved into each page, but I didn't get past making the 2nd and 3rd pages. I want to now. I think I can now. So, I will work on these two books concurrently, although the events in them are a lifetime apart yet so very much intertwined.

And, with today's schedule, I have time to look out my window, watching the snow and the little birds at my mother's day-present bird feeder, to feel the myriad emotions that drift through me, to breathe deeply and calmly, to feel the bean kick and squirm. I have time to just be.