Morton's Salt and Niagara Falls

If you would, please push play on this video as you read today's post.

Bea wakes up this morning and proceeds to scramble all over me and to serenade me awake with her loud and high-pitched squeals. When I finally open my eyes, I can only smile at her. Dotingly, Motherly.

When Triple S gets his first permanent position, it will double his salary. I have been contemplating and planning for this. We live quite comfortably on his current salary, and we could certainly live on less. We made it through grad school after all.

Neither of us grew up with much (too much). I surpassed my father's factory wage with my first job, I'm sure.  Triple S and I discussed as part of our goals how to teach Bea to be frugal, like we were raised. To avoid entitlement and the search for happiness in the acquisition of stuff.

Although we will have plenty of money, it won't be limitless. Our space won't be limitless. Our landfills and resources are not limitless.

The only thing that can be limitless is our love.

Time is not limitless. Oh, dear mamas, have we learned that the hard way. We only have the now.

As Mrs. Spit takes her first decisive steps down a new path, I have been holding her and Mr Spit in my heart, and meditating on issues that their situation raises. What it means to have a family, What you have on your deathbed.

As death rattles my chest, do I think about the TV shows I have watched, the toys and gadgets I have had over the years (and how quickly they get out of date)? Do I think about my favorite meal and all the food I have enjoyed over my life? Do I think about this smile, with a tongue sticking out, that I am seeing as Bea bounces on my lap? On my last breath, I hope to feel love in my heart. To die with that rapture.

I can only think that Serenity will be my last thought. Do I get to be with her now?

The expression of my grief has changed radically over these last 10 months. The way that I experience my grief has changed. It's no longer that stabbing, heart-wrenching ache.

Just a few days after we had conceived Bea, we stopped by Niagara Falls. To see that awesome power, mostly left undisturbed by man. I believe there is a power station there, harnessing some of that power. But the river is not dammed or redirected. It seems limitless.

You can try to ride down the falls in a wine cask. You might make it through to the mist. You migh see a rainbow in that mist.

Triple S and I have survived that awesome and fearful power of our daughter's death. The grief still flows, but I have learned to channel it, to harness some of that energy for something positive. Yet, sometimes I step back, by giving myself the space and time to do so, and experience the majesty, the strength, of the emotion.

I channel that intensity into my patience with and love for Bea. She is the recipient of the love I have for both of my girls, since one isn't here to grow and change and captivate and receive. And boy does that girl require patience.

I try to keep my love free-flowing, like that salt from the Morton's salt girl. Even as my grief rains down on me.

My sister gave Bea the "Peter, Paul and Mommy" CD for Christmas. She and I grew up listening to Peter, Paul and Mary, and they are one of the few artists I have seen perform live. I wouldn't consider this CD a typical compilation for children. It's melancholy. It includes 'Day is Done', which is sung from the perspective of parent to child. Yes, child, I can comfort you when you fear thunder. But I can't save you from what mankind has done. After all these years, I am still not sure about the third verse. This song has always made me sad, even as a kid, when my sister and I would sing it in the car as our family traveled the 'great' American highways. While there are some simple, silly songs on it, most are complicated, nostalgic, full of the rainbow of emotions one experiences in a rich life. I am glad Bea has this CD.

And don't even get me started on how sad 'Puff the Magic Dragon' is: love and loss. I hope to cultivate and keep the love flowing around here.