that is the question.
In many ways life is mundane, but it is also a tempest.
When I moved, I thought of picking up blogging again, but I wanted to spend time meeting people here. But I still spend an inordinate amount of time on the computer, on FB, reading parenting blogs and Montessori blogs.
I could right a blog about life. Or not.
So inspiring, right?
I was happy to receive so many comments on such an abandoned blog - readers have not abandoned me and are obviously still caught up on their reading. My Google Reader is hopeless. I have too many blogs in there that aren't of interest (quilting?).
I also seem to have lost my voice. Or maybe my focus. I am also not sure how much I want to post about Beanie and her life. It's her life after all. I rarely even post on FB anymore. I know it's a new age, but those are her choices.
I suppose what I lack most in life right now is someone with whom to share deeply. I have acquaintances here, but playdates are not conducive to long, linear talks. And I am not sure how much I want to share with the whole world wide web (or the 20 people that look here).
But I remember that connection I had with you... reading your blogs, reading comments, writing my deepest and ofttimes most compulsive thoughts. Processing. Sharing. Remembering.
I've also developed a bit of an avoidance coping strategy. No new dead baby blogs, because I just can't take it. I'm not proud of it, I feel like I should repay our community and be there for our sisters.
But I have taken from this blogging world knowledge. Knowledge of everything that can and too often does go wrong. And I am more delicate in asking questions and try to avoid making assumptions. At least I hope so.
And I try to keep conversation open. If someone wants to talk to me about infertility or loss, I like to think that I give off the right vibes and say the right things ('I am sorry to hear that.' AND STOP. JUST STOP!) And I don't deny Serenity.
Those chiding "When will you give little Beanie a brother or sister?" are often answered with, "She has a big sister who died in 2008," cue demure, downcast look (And the 'Shut the F up' in my head) or the "We are only raising one."
I know who we are, where we've been, but we don't know what may be.
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3 comments:
There is no right or wrong path to take through the babyloss landscape. For me, I have continued to need the blogs. I read and comment daily. I still sign up to read the new ones. But that's just been how I've coped, and just as you think you need to give back to your "sisters" I think I need to pull away and focus on those around me. We all do what we have to do.
I'm glad you never deny Serenity. I find myself sometimes denying Hope, just because it seems like the path of least resistance. I hate it, but I hate the awkwardness that always follows me mentioning her.
I hope you keep writing here. Hearing from you and those in my "babyloss class" makes me want to write more as well.
xo
You (and your words) are always welcome here. I think that it's okay to move away from this community, to come back, to come back but not read new baby loss blogs. Really.
I think about this often now, too. I am so grateful to the bloggers who came before me, who showed me that there are ways through this, that things would be different in a year (or two, or three), but most of them have moved on now - to more general blogs, or to infrequent posts, or away entirely. And I expect that will be me, too, some day. And that that will be possible because of the support I've had from them (and from you and my 2008 cohort).
Whew. Apologies for the ramble!
To post or not to post? You know my preference. ; ) Good to see you back.
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