I'm back in my house, back to my life. But I still don't feel all the way here.
But I actually think I am living more in the present than before we left. I have not come back to the same place I was before.
I haven't exactly sorted it all out yet, so it is difficult to put into words. Well, maybe writing here, now, will solidify my diaphanous thoughts. I also haven't had much time.
We arrived Friday evening, and I worked Saturday, Sunday, and Monday at my part time job. I didn't feel great Monday after dinner, and woke at 1 am to toss my cookies - yep, projectile. I was fine Tuesday morning , so went to work. Well, 12 hours after my first round, round two started. (Can't say I have ever heard of a stomach flu that gives you a 12-hr reprieve in the middle!) I swear, I traveled to the hinterlands of Mexico, eating and drinking whatever was presented to me, and I am fine. I spend four days at an Americanized resort at the end of our trip....
Anyway,
--Oh, sorry Triple S just interrputed me - LOBSTER!!!!
Anyway, today is the first break I have had, beyond trying to keep up with daily life. Well, kinda keep up. The house is a post-vacation disaster. I was going to edit a job that came in while I was away, but instead I managed to spend the morning reading - Mistborn 2 - The Well of Ascension! I've been reading a bit on the blogs (Is anyone else's Google Reader not marking things as read after your read them? - I go on vacay and my Google Reader breaks?) Anyway, I just don't really know how I feel. I don't have words to offer to your posts. 2008 is coming to a close. I can state fact, but no words come in elaboration.
***
The trip to Mexico was beyond wonderful. I found peace. I found reality. Perhaps the easiest way to put it - I have completely accepted that Serenity is not with us. There is less of that "I wish she were here.../ I wish she hadn't died..." internal dialogue. I had accepted it logically before, but now I have taken a distinct step. I feel as if a large portion of the weight has been lifted. I feel like I fell in love with Triple S all over again (I seem to be doing that a lot lately).
I am only cautiously optimistic. February is but around the corner.
***
Looks like Triple S is planning a scrumptious New Year's Eve dinner. I guess this year will go out in style - so I also guess that means I should go clean the house. Well, at least the dining room.
I wish all of you the best for 2009: peace in your heart, hope in your soul, joy in your smile, acceptance in all of your being, and babes in your womb and arms.
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7 comments:
And a better year for you too. A good year, whatever that would mean. Certainly a baby in the womb and arms, but also, hopefully, other good things. Joy. A lot of joy. And a whole boatload of peace.
Enjoy the feast. I am about to go cook a bit for my portion of tonight's festivities.
P.S. the pics below are so lovely. Thanks for sharing.
Mr. Spit liked Mistborne too.
Wishing you joy and peace.
It sounds like you turned a corner which is amazing. Good for you!!
Happy New Year Ya Chun! I hope you find more happiness this year, as well as more healing.
Oh god, I can't tell you how much I wish that for us, for all of us.
I have glimpses of acceptance, and the feeling that I can't go back, I can't continue to want what I can't have. Sometimes that feeling lingers and I feel a bit at peace, although I don't think I will ever be at peace without him. I can accept what has happened, but I don't have to like it. Not. one. bit.
I so hope 2009 brings more of what you want and need. It sounds like you had a wonderful and rather inspirational trip away. I guess its called healing. Take care of yourself. x
Happy New Year to you! I hope like hell you get all that you have dreamed of and all that you so deserve. Thank you for being there for me, it has meant a lot to me.
xxoo
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