Deadbaby angst
Conception angst
Thirty-something angst
Grief angst (is that possible)
Parental frustrations
And I am about fed up with insensitive comments
"Kids are such a trouble, aren't you glad you don't have to deal with this?"
That's paraphrased, mostly because I have a bad memory. But that's the meaning.
There are two people that often say crap like this to me. One is my mother (Why do I even bother ever phoning her - Monday turned out to be another nice chat) and the other is the neighbor.
One of these days it's not going to get laughed off and something really nasty is going to come out of my mouth. Like, "Well, you wouldn't have to deal with this if your son was dead." Because, duh, that's what is going on over at my house. We don't have to change diapers or clean up peas or endure 5 am wake ups. So far, I am so shocked that my brain literally freezes up an there is no response.
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She Almost Made It/ SerenityJoy by Leung Ya Chun (AKS) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Serenity Joy almost made it into this world alive, but almost doesn't count. Her little sister did make it.
When we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that's present -- love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure -- the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience Heaven on earth.
-Sarah Ban Breathnach
She almost made it
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Who, Where?
- March 2010 - Beanie makes it
- July 2009 - BFP
- December 12, 2008 - We finally take our 'honeymoon' vacation
- September 18, 2008 - D & C
- Septermber 12, 2008 - no heartbeat
- August 27, 2008 - 'indeterminate' u/s
- August 17, 2008 BFP - Double holy freakout!
- June 30, 2008 - Official last day of employment with stupevisor
- February 13, 2008 - Serenity's due date
- February 6, 2008 - Serenity is delivered
- It's a girl!
- June 11, 2007 - BFP - holy freakout!
- April 2007 - 'Hey, let's stop trying to not get pregnant'
- July 2003 - We move to the Midwest
- May 25, 2002 - Our third and final wedding
- December 23, 2001 - Our second wedding
- December 13, 2001 - Our first wedding
- August 1998 - Triple S and Ya Chun meet
She Almost Made It/ SerenityJoy by Leung Ya Chun (AKS) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
17 comments:
I have looked at them and said "Mr. Spit and I would never sleep again, to have 5 more minutes with our son. I assure you, however bad you think this is, the alternative is much, much worse. And frankly, I don't think much of you as a person right now."
I think grief angst is definitely possible.
I'm sorry you have to deal with comments like these, especially from family. When people say things like thise, I wish I had (and could use) a stun gun: Bzzzzt! Wrong! Probably not a truly helpful response to insensitivity, but the image sometimes soothes me.
I like Mrs. Spits answer. But reality for me is giving them a look that says [insert really bad words] and walking away.
So irritating!
I've said, "You've got to be kidding, right?" That usually shuts people up.
Seriously though, what is wrong with people??????
And I am all about the grief angst. Definitely real.
I am too shocked to respond to insensitive comments as well. I can think of a thousand catty responses afterwards though. One day I actually hope to use them.
I gave up talking to my mother.
It amazes me that people can't think before they speak. ((hugs)) to you!
What Mrs Spit said.
It's so unbelievable that people actually, really say these things to us, people who should know better.
The best I've managed (not so brilliant, I'm aware) in way of response has been the thousand-yard stare and the question, 'do you really want to be talking to ME about this? Really?'
Which has made them either sputter defensively or made no impression at all. So few people have the talent of empathy. So few.
I hear you. I really wonder how some people come up with the things they say. Sheesh.
"Well, you wouldn't have to deal with this if your son was dead."
I cannot wait for the day when you say something like this and I want to hear all about the reaction!
It's definitely hard to think of something "truthful" to say when people say such stupid things - we are so well trained for politeness.
I'm sorry these people can't be bothered to be polite and considerate of your feelings.
I totally hear you.
What I love is how people complain on FB about how all they want is some peace and quiet, or (my favorite) "does anyone want my 3-year old?"
It's all I can do not to comment: I'll take her. And just leave it at that. I don't because I know they don't mean to be insensitive, and they would feel horrible if they knew how painful it is to read that stuff. Even when they've been supportive, otherwise good friends.
But then, why is is okay to feel bad and they don't have to? Why should people censor themselves just in case I might be reading? Of course if they thought about it for a moment, maybe they would try to be grateful for the hassle they have to put up with.
I LOVE what Mrs. Spit wrote here. Which I had the balls to say it.
I'm so sorry you're feeling angsty. Just keep venting it.
Thinking of you.
I am always biting my lip when I hear comments like that and I am so aware, every nite/early morn when I am up, tired and nursing, just how lucky I am to be up tired and nursing, and I wouldn't complain about it, ever.
And kudos to Mrs. Spit, she's right on.
Yeah, Mrs. Spit got it right. Enough said.
I'm in favour of the stun gun - maybe we could use it as an experiment for sensitivity training. Sorry people are being such asses.
You know, it's like - you always think of the best responses after the conversation has long ended. I get that brain freeze all the time. People live inside their heads and simply don't know how their words can hurt others. I think you've inspired my next blog post.
you totally need to say that.
i understand the frustration of the people who say that. having children is really, REALLY REALLY hard.
you really so totally have to say that to them, though. most people are not grateful for what they have because it's a lot of work. having alive children and a dead baby...i still have to work at appreciating them and being grateful when i want to just freak out.
and the GUILT of this...the guilt of having children that lived and still getting SO FRUSTRATED, wondering why i ever did this, feeling stuck...is sometimes too much to bear when you also have a baby who died.
i'm the lady who makes dumb-ass comments AND the dead baby mom all in one head.
i understand both sides, yet...what you have to say needs to be said.
Oh geeze. What nobbs... xxx
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