Toronto is a long drive from the Midwest

**I apologize, but this is really long. I hope you can rea through ost of it, and comment! I don't write as often as I used to, and when something needs to get out, it seems to be all at once**

We drove about 15 hours to get up to Toronto on Friday, arriving while the family was out to a very late dinner. Luckily, some of the bride's friends were also staying at the house, so we could get in. n total, there were about 15 people staying - with two baths and one extra toilet! The bride was wisely staying elsewhere, and the new couple had a hotel room for after the wedding.

Her one friend's fiance was quite nice, offering us tea when we arrived, busying himself with dishes while the bridesmaids got ready. He was an easy one to talk to.

The wedding was lovely. I usually cry at weddings, but worked extra hard to keep this down, since I am not so 'graceful tears welling in my eyes' anymore, but more 'sobbing and blubbering'. It was a full-on Catholic ceremony, complete with blood and body. The bride's side stayed put.

It was hard seeing so much of Triple S' family. We hadn't seen them since long before we were pregnant, and only his parents when Serenity was still here, died, and was born (and again this winter). We hadn't seen the one cousin in 10 years. No one said anything to me about Serenity, and I was trying to keep my thoughts from roaming there, as this weekend was about his 2nd cousin's marriage and new life, replete with Polish fertility-wishing ceremonies. The groom and his family seemed nice enough.

The reception was very fancy and large. The meal was beyond belief, including an inter-course sorbet and peppered chocolate ice cream for dessert (if you live in Toronto, you might be able to guess where this was held, as it is the chef's creation). There was some famous actor there (there is a pic of me with him on someone's camera, just not mine).

After the first dance, and the beginning of the groom/mother and bride/great-uncle (in her case - her father passed when she was really young, and grandpa didn't want to do it - this was my FIL - who is actually a snazzy dancer, me having danced with him at two of my own weddings), all the guests were asked to join in on the dance floor. I don' know what the song was for that second dance, but it transitioned into "what a wonderful world," which was one of the songs we played at Serenity's memorial service, and to which I now apparently have a programmed response to cry upon hearing it. All the emotions of seeing family, and being at the wedding (which we may no have gone to with a toddler), and of missing a wee one running around like crazy, burst out all the dance floor. How embarrassing. It's at moments like these that I wish Triple S and I had the more common gender dimorphism, so that I could have buried my head in his chest and hidden from view.

It had begun to rain during the wedding ceremony, and continued quite steadily through the time of the reception start and the reception, so there were no outdoor pictures, and the bride had gotten no photos with her family. So, shortly after the dancing had started we were all called out for pictures. Me and my puffy red eyes. How much magic do you think the photographer can do before printing??????

We had a Chinese banquet on Sunday evening. One of the bride's mom's friends asked if our family really did still do the tradiotnal things, like red pockets. I am surprised, that living in an area full of so many Chinese (I was a definite minority in Markham), that people didn't still give the new couple red pockets. When Triple S and I got married, we received enough money from his family to have a substantial start to our house fund (my family not so generous). I see it as a big loan, because over the years we will give all that money back, but it is really nice to get a huge lump sum at the beginning to help you get started. We couldn't give as much as I had wanted to, but I will send them a really nice housewarming present when they settle down (there are teaching in Kuwait right now - and planned the wedding from there!)

At the banquet we sat with the bride and groom and some of her bridal party, her sister and boyfriend, and the Chinese cousins. I am always surprised when my FIL's brothers get together, they talk nonstop. Since they all speak Cantonese, I have no idea (neither does Triple S, as he speaks Mandarin) what they talk about, and I really have a hard time fathoming how they can talk so much (we were long in bed while they were still up taking all 3 nights we were there). And Catonese is a boistrous language. So, while there was an apparently stirring conversation going on at the old folks table, our table was silent. I think most of the young people were worn out, having stayed late at the reception. But you would think that 13 people could find something to talk about. I am a naturally curious person, and don't know this 2nd cousin well (having only met her at my own wedding - and she is a bit reserved - and I had no time to talk to anyone at my wedding) and had not met the groom before. So, I am peppering them with questions (but also conscious of not over doing it), receiving short, direct responses, and no questions in return! Am I that rusty at social interactions? And these people aren't even scientists (like Triple S and I, a group that is often disparaged for no social skills - my sciency friends are always a lively bunch and ALWAYS have somethings to talk about - yes, sometimes science, but also politics, jobs, money even entertainment, etc). I want to know how they ended up in Kuwait, if the groom had seen the dress beforehand, what they liked to eat (several of the speeches at the reception mentioned that the way to the bride's heart was thru her stomach - which was the same way Triple S won me over - his family on a whole is alot about food - so I thought this would be a good topic), what their plans were, etc. The conversation didn't really get rolling until the one friend was talking about the two degrees she is seeking (Nursing and public health and some minors). I later asked her, that it seemed she was interested in doing something community based, and we started talking about urban issues (she from Minneapolis and us from the Lou - Midwest cities with similar demographics and issues), and finally we had something going. The rest just kinda sat there. I guess I am really passionate about stuff, and it seems others, not so much.

I don't know if people seem inhibited around us, maybe the one thing they want to talk about they feel is taboo (although I am sure the friends don't know about our reproductive woes). I am not sure if this is a dbm issue, an age gap (we are 33 after all - ya know - old), or just differences in interests. I know the sister is more of a partier than a conversationalist (I have never been able to strike up a conversation with her - and I have seen her several times). Maybe people think I am a gossip or something??? But I am one of these people who likes to know things, and have it all ordered. Would I pester someone if I knew they lost baby? Want to know how they were feeling? Would that be a bad thing?

It irks me in some ways tho, because when you are at a gathering, shouldn't you try to learn about others? I have plenty of other things about which to talk, say my job, my gardening, my recent trips, volunteering. But no one was interested, I guess. (can you tell that it kinda bugged me? Like I said, I like to understand things).

We said our goodbyes, that night after the banquet. I have a soft spot in my heart for Triple S' one aunt, Kuku we call her. We can't communicate well, as she doesn't speak English and I don't speak Cantonese. I've always had some kind of connection with er, from the first time we me, maybe 10 years ago. But she called the U.S. after Serenity died, speaking with my ILs and also talking to me. The broken conversation meant a lot to me, because she was making an extra effort to reach out, something that people who can speak to me didn't even do. She also became a grandmother this spring, and I can't talk about the new niece in the family, I don't talk (FaceBook) much to Triple S' cousin. But I really wanted to tell Kuku congratulations. While standing in the kitchen full of the family, I started crying before I got it out. The kitchen emptied. After our hugs with Kuku, we waved goodbye to everyone else, in the den, as they were watching a video on the computer. Would this be an appropriate use of the word pariah???

Anyway, we left at about 5:30 the next morning, stopping off to see Niagara Falls, because Triple S had never seen it.



We also took a detour to stop in Cleveland and see my grandparents' and my uncle's graves. I could have stayed there to cry for an hour. Or more. If I was a superstitious person, I might even think that my grandmother stole my little baby to be there with her.

The return trip took about 18 hours, with the stops and all. And I am exhausted.