It doesn't really feel it.
I think I am almost recovered from my parents' visit. Mostly I am disappointed in them. I don't know why I expected more, I was raised by them after all. I guess I was just hoping for something like grandparental instincts.
I am blue. My grief is here with me, but not manifesting in tears. In some ways, that all-consuming grief was easier. This is just below the surface. Not reaching a critical load and exploding. I think I am feeling it with the holidays and my birthday.
I did all my holiday shopping online this year. I didn't eel up to going to the malls (Where I can never find the weird stuff I am looking for anyway). But maybe I have missed out on some cheer. Let me think about that, no probably not after all (I really hate the mall).
Bea is in full-blown separation anxiety. I've had to stop going to the gym. I think this is the biggest bummer; now it is too cold to go for walks. I guess I could go, but I just don't feel like. Something about dark and cloudy with a blistery 35 degrees is not appealing. And now her nap schedule is all off, so I don't know if we can even go to the open playtime they have at the Y. I must try nest week before I go insane with cabin fever.
I think this week Bea had both a growth spurt and a 'wonder week'. This makes one exhausted mama. I have been up to my ears in editing and have to work tomorrow at the garden.
I am quitting the botanical garden job. I ave been sick three times this fall and feel I am just run down. Plus it is getting too cold for Bea and Baba to run around the garden for most of the day, with pit stops at my building for Bea to eat. It had been wonderful doing that, still getting to nurse Bea in the office, but the time has come for it to end. I knew it would, as we will be relocating next year and I was planning to quit in late winter, before I was expected to return to work again on Thursdays.
But I am also sad to be leaving my job. In general I like it, I like saying that I work at this world class place. It is my major adult interaction of the week. But, my editing business is also too busy, and I need the Saturdays during which Baba will be home to watch Beanie and I can put a few uninterrupted hours in. So, I think I am stressed about leaving this job in some ways, but I think once I am done with it, it will be a relief.
The impending relocation is also weighing heavily on me. It's almost like these next 7 months are kind of a freeze. Not much point making new mama friends, since I won't be here for the long haul. I don't know, it's like I've almost half checked out. The uncertainty of the whole situation (will Triple S get a job? Where? When? Can we sell our house? Can we buy a house? Will we like where we move?) has a host of anxieties.
I hate winter. I've tried to like it. I just don't. I am glad it came late this year, but it has kind of hit me unawares.
Bea is so cute and precious to me. She keeps me afloat. Her smile. Her snoarty laugh. The way she plays peekaboo behind a piece of cloth. How photogenic she is.
She is also a bit impatient and demanding. But then she smiles... Oh, and she has really good posture (of which I am completely jealous!).
It's just that by Friday I am worn out.
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5 comments:
Oh I hear you on the 10 month seperation anxiety. Oy. I am fighting with my baby to give me 20 minutes to tidy up or get dinner started so that I can curb a fight with my husband if I never get the above done when he is working FT. Holy Anxiety batman. I feel so stressed when I am peeling carrots and my 10 month old is standing behind me tugging on my jeans and crying, but I know it's not fair for me to never be able to get anything done either, especially when we are still spending hours each day cuddling and nursing. They are cute, that is their saving grace haha. I think it's harder on a loss mama, we have higher expectations of ourselves as parents, we have to be perfect.
Sometimes I miss those raw, early days of grief as well. I read a lot of new loss blogs, and part of me wishes I could go back there, where it was socially acceptable to still be sad. I feel hollowed out, but on the outside I look fine. I wish I could let the grief spill out these days, but for the most part it is bottled up, for the sake of staying on this road towards healing. Not sure where healing really is or if I'll ever get there, but I guess we just keep trudging forwards, don't we?
xo
Sometimes I don't feel too wonderful either. Just a little worn down by it all.
The cabin fever feeling is just awful, I hope you manage to settle Bea a little so that you can get out of the house.
It must be very difficult to know where to head with an impending move hovering about in the near future.
Bea sounds so very precious and I'm glad that she is keeping your spirits up. I'm also jealous of J's incredibly good posture. I took a bunch of photographs of her sitting the other day just so that when she is a slouchy teenager she can look back and marvel at how perfectly straight she sat up!
I hope that the blues ease up, sometimes I feel as though I will always have them with me. I just don't know. x
I'm sorry you have the winter blues! Maybe relocation will lead you guys back to the sunny part of the country!
Taking care of an infant is a lot of work, I couldn't handle it more than 2 months each time! You have all the right to be exhausted by the end of the week. And working from home is still work. But it seems like you are able to manage it and are doing a great job both getting work done and raising a happy little girl!
And separation anxiety will pass, just keep her social as much as you can. She'll get over it in a few months.
Take care of yourself, and remember spring will be in the air soon enough...
Ethan & I went through a lot of the same things, I couldn't get anything done at home - he was always right there. But he out grew it.
Dark winters are tough on anyone's psyche, tougher on mamas of lost babies.
Take care of yourself!
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