The girl who does not like to nap

I have this little 9 month old who doesn't really like to nap. So she is constantly cranky and tired.

I blame the teeth. And the mobility and alertness.

But I am still trying to get her to nap regularly.

She used to nurse down, but now she doesn't fall asleep while nursing. She comes off, then POPS up her head. She just wants to go, go, go.

The room is as dark as possible, it's quiet in the house, there's sleepy lullabies playing, and I am snuggled up with her. She can sometimes fall asleep with patting, or stroking her head. But usually she is not interested in laying down, even though she is yawning and her head is dropping down ever 20 seconds! (She lays it down for a sec to rest, then POPs it up again) It's cute if it weren't so frustrating!

I usually end up having to hold her, with more pressure than I'd really like to, just to keep her from crawling and rolling around.  Then she fusses a bit, but then she can sleep. This is the same way she usually falls asleep in the car, fussing a bit before she can fall asleep. So I am torn as to whether I am making her cry unnecessarily or if she needs to vent some steam to relax.

When my sis was here last week, I told her that I guess that I need to wind Bea down more before trying to go to sleep. And she is like "Wind her down from what, your house is so quiet and you guys play quietly." Which I kind of agree with, it's not like there's two noisy kids here playing together. But I am turning on a quiet 20 min CD before I expect her to be tired and trying to keep it even more mellow (the last two days).

Any mama advice out there????

iPOD I

Every time we put Bea to sleep, we turn on a lullaby CD. I often think of her sister as I push play, as I bought this CD,-alarm clock-nature sound machine for Serenity. It even has a connection for the first iPOD shuffle. I don't think the new iPODs will connect.

My daughter is left back there, in the time of the first iPOD shuffle.

***

I finally turned on the radio channel that plays Christmas music all day.

Has my spirit finally gotten the holiday season memo?

I've gone crazy with getting ornaments for the girls. One set arrived yesterday, and my ornament swap ones are in the mail. I can't wait. I also bought a remembrance one and a baby first christmas one from Hallm@rk.  We will put our tree up in two weeks.

This year I decided to do a photo card. (Yes, we've become those people).  But, some folks might like to see what Triple S and I look like these days too. And I've always liked getting ones from others... Do you guys want me to post it, so you can see it?

***

In case you are looking for a lullaby CD, this is the one we have. I don't know if it works for Beanie, but it puts me to sleep:

Chinese Lullabies by Beijing Angelic Choir (I bought it on Am@zon). This video has lyrics in the comments:



***

I went to the dentist today to get yet another cavity filled (I am cursed with bad teeth - I hope Bea gets her dad's teeth). Bea cried the whole time that the receptionist held her.

Attached much? I know she'll outgrow this phase, but it's a tough one. And I know it will be worth it, this little blip of demand, in the connection between mother and daughter. I want her to know that her mama is here for her, that I'll listen to tween pains and teen angst. She won't remember that when she was 8 months old, her mama was with her 24 hours a day. But I hope that she'll come to me with her troubles. That she'll know she can rely on me.

And she is quite adventurous at home. She scoots around everywhere, looking back periodically at me. With a winning smile. That melts my heart.

If

2 1/2 Years.

Woulda. Coulda. Should be.


Bea is my calm after the storm. Much like I am here helping her to drift into sleep, she is there for me.

I can't imagine doing this without her. I don't know how I managed before she came safely into this world - through the grief, through the miscarriage, through the pregnancy.

My admiration to all of you still struggling to get your next baby.

It's not easy having a baby after such a devastating death. But it sure beats not having one when you want one.

I wanted to acknowledge you, my persevering sisters. I appreciate that you are still reading me. I am thankful that you can celebrate in my joy, but it must still bring pangs to your heart.

The look of utter peace on Bea's face while she sleeps, her chest rising and lowering, brings a little peace to my heart, mitigates my tears.

Baby Photos by the Month

These are pictures of Beanie as each month has passed by:

Eight Days

One Month

Two Months

Three Months

Four Months

Please share in my joy. She makes each day doable.

I've decided...

That it's time to come back.

I miss you gals (and guys).

Bea turned four months today. I think I can swing the time for myself to blog again.

This blog might not be the same. But it's still me. If you can't follow, I understand, but I'll miss you.

Now, reading other blogs. Maybe I'll even have time for that.

There is so much I want to write. About what happened ~10 days postpartum. About life now. About more of my life, not just my grief.

And my grief has changed. A few months into this misadventure, I remember reading that grief lasts two years. I am past that mark - and it is different. Of course, one key thing also changed in the same time period: Bea made it here safely.

Bea, herself, does make me happy. I am happy being a (mostly) full-time mom. I am happy cleaning my house (after I came to the realization last week that I clean my house for me, because no one else seems to notice when it is dirty). I am happy taking walks every morning around 8 with a stroller and a mutt, even when it is 90 pushing 1000 with a relative humidity of 'what the hell are you doing outside in this weather.' I think I may have found my groove (or at least a new groove than the old groove).

So, dear readers, be forewarned: I am back. With my co-author Beanie Bea.

Miss B

Nine Days Old

this is a re-post - last night's was lost in cybespace.

Sisters

Wherever you are now Serenity, thank you, darling, for watching over and protecting your little sister, Beatriz.

xoxo
mama

Beatriz esta aqui!

I am so happy and relieved to tell you that Serenity's little sister is here safe and sound. A little jaundiced, so the doc had us supplementing with formula, which was really stressful and making me a crazy postpartum mom.

we were having difficulty with latching on, but apparently that was because I didn't get little Bea's memo that she was not planning on breastfeeding until March 22, as she finally did it at 12 this morning. I have not slept a wink since then (or much before that) but everything feels ok now that we got that working. I felt like everything was coming down around me before then and that she was going to die because we were screwing up the feeding and she was jaundiced and spiraling so forth and so on.

So, now I am much relieved and I hope today will go easier. I finally figured out that Triple S and I need to ask for help, so I have sent out a local request. Duh, it sounds so easy and everyone tells you to ask for anything they can do , but we are self-reliant, perhaps to a fault, and I really have never had to ask for help before. Hope it helps.

So anyway, with the BF hopefully continuing to go ok and some help on the way - I should be able to freakin get a picture up.

And I want to clearly say 'thank you' to all of you here in the internets for helping get my darling, precious daughter here alive, kicking, crying, and warm. "She's warm" was the first thing I said when they laid her on my chest at birth. I could not have done it without knowing you all, having our community of support, and knowing you were there.

Much love,
Anita