I am humbled

I am humbled when I learn that a new-to-our-ranks mama is reading my blog. To have a new reader recognize my blog with an award, wow. I have received a blogger award from Jessica at Two Pieces of my Heart. She just lost her twin boys, William and Ethan. I have started reading her blog, and I am so sad to know her here. She's a school teacher and is back to work already - I am amazed at her strength - please go give her some love!

So here's how this award works.

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Make sure you contact these bloggers to let them know about the award.

Seven Things About Me

Hm.  I'll just do this on the fly...

1. Growing up, I never wanted to have kids. When I met Triple S, I decided I could try for one. Now I have have been pregnant three times and have two girls. Another? Well, that's a whole series of blog posts...
2. I am a bit of a procrastinator. That's why it has taken me so long to post this! And it will probably take me even longer to name 15 blogs.
3. Hm, it's so hard to think about things about myself from "before." It seems like a different person. What a disconnect from my self. (That's something about myself in there)
4. I am a total food addict.
5. I've never tried drugs. Probably because of #4. If food is that addicting...
6. I really love tawny port. Yummmm. Unfortunately, I am out right now.
7. I hate the TV. I wish Triple S could give it up.
And a bonus: I read my Chinese horoscope the other day, and it said that wood rabbits like me need alone time to work things out. So true. Hence the blogging.

Ok, 15 blogs. Actually, many of the blogs I read during my darkest days have slowed down. Proof, I guess, that life does resume. We'll see how many I get. And consider yourself notified!

Here are blogs that I have recently discovered:

Demeter's Feet - Jenni did such an awesome job organizing the ornament swap!
After Iris is not someone I was reading at 'my' beginning, but her reading of dead baby names caught me.
I found Longing, Living, Loving just within that last few months. Yet another joining us dead baby mamas.

Here are some oldies but goodies. If you aren't reading them already, you sure are missing out:
The Happy Sad Mama
The Road Less Travelled
Still Life with Circles and Angie's wonderfully curated project still life 365
Ferdinand's Gifts that darn Janis has me reading blogs like "The Minimalists." With our impending move, can I do it???
And I want to shout out to CLC, who is busy with her family welcoming her second son after the death of her darling Hannah. I am over-the-top happy for her and her hubs. I am sure she is missing Hannah even more these days.

Looking through my google reader blog roll, it occurs to me that I don't read any 'mom' blogs. Only dead baby mama mom blogs. It's a different kind of parenting.

This blog, Her Five Year Diary, is an awesome idea and has inspired me to keep a five-year diary too. It's a transitional year for us and there are so many little things happening every day with Beanie, so this is an interesting time to start such a project. Thanks, Sara, for the great idea and the snapshot into 1961! And I still miss your blog!

A ridiculous number of blogs in my reader have to do with food. I eat gluten- and dairy-free (12 years and 6 months, respectively) and am trying to reduce my sugar intake. Chocolate doesn't have sugar, right?  I just started reading The Healthy Cooking Coach and the recipes intrigue me. Too bad I am eating salad only this week to recoop from our extended holiday family visits... I am also thinking about reducing grains and making all my sweets 'raw'. Can I do it?

The third category of blogs I read is Copyediting blogs. I won't torment you with any of these!

And I want to take this chance to thank you all, my friends in the internet. I would not have survived without you.

Re-post: Bereavement Study

I recently participated in this study on infant loss. She is still looking for more participants. Please consider, I think her work will help change how the medical community treats us:

BEREAVEMENT STUDY

THE IMPACT OF PERINATAL LOSS ON MOTHERS

A researcher from the Pacific Graduate School of Psychology is conducting a dissertation study to learn about the loss of a singleton, a twin, a triplet, or higher-order multiple and its impact on mothers. The investigator is Louise E. Marasco, MS, clinical psychology PhD graduate student. She is requesting participation from adult mothers who have lost a baby, or more than one baby between the 28th week of pregnancy and the 28th day after birth. This study seeks mothers who have lost a baby in the last 4 years. The hope is that the information that is learned will assist health practitioners in providing comprehensive care for grieving mothers who have lost a multiple while simultaneously caring for a newborn.

If you choose to participate, the researcher will interview you by phone at a time that is convenient. You will be asked to complete several questionnaires about how you are adjusting and coping with the loss of your child. The questions are designed to help us better understand your experiences following the death of your child. Your individual responses will be kept completely confidential. Participation in this study will take approximately 2 hours and will be at no cost to you.

If you are interested in participating in this study please contact:

Louise Marasco, MS
Principal Investigator

(503)956-6003
louise.marasco@gmail.com

Time and randomness

Every evening when I log on, I spend all my time reading everyone else's posts that I don't have time to post myself! And, yes, I have been reading, just not commenting too often.

There are garden pictures somewhere - maybe still on the camera.

But, now I will do a tag from Azaera, mom to Sophie and Skyler.

Rules are open your sixth picture folder and post the sixth picture and give a bit of background about it. Tag 4 people.

Well, I have IPHOTO, and I am on my new computer right now. Let's see what I find:


Ah, a photo of my grandmother. This photo was taken when Triple S and I went back to my home state for my grandparents 70th (7. 0.) wedding anniversary. Knowing my grandpa, he was probably refilling at the buffet when I snapped this shot.

My aunt planned a large, surprise party for their anniversary. Everyone was coming home, from around the US. We had replied to my aunt that we were not likely to come, since our baby would be less than 2 months old, and we didn't want to drive so far with a newborn.

Needless to say, we didn't have such an excuse.

My grandmother, of course - she does have 90 years of experience! - knew something was going on for their anniversary, but couldn't get any info from my aunt and uncles. She was extremely surprised to see Triple S and I in town that weekend. I also saw my eldest cousin, a man I only remember as the sailor who's knee I sat on one Easter, when I was young enough to innocently sit on a sailor's knee (just to be clear, I was about 7, maybe 9).

It was a huge party. I know that my grandparents have lost many friends over the years. However, I think they still know more people than I do. My family is very stoic and non-emoting, but tightly knit in ways best understood with a curt nod. For example, my aunt's first husband's family was all there. My uncle committed suicide when I was young, before that time I was sitting on my cousin's knee, if memory serves me correctly. It took me awhile as a kid to figure out how I was related to all these "uncles," let alone a guy named "Beetle" - I wasn't! They are my cousins' uncles, but were always around in my life, too.

Triple S and I were ghosts at that party. And I was seeing the people that I had grown up with, most of whom I had not seen for 15 or 20 years. Maybe people remembered me as a sweet 16; surely they had all heard about my stillbirth (their stoics, but well-informed stoics). In the pictures, Triple S and I look like we had been to hell, and not exactly "back."

That's the 'short' background on that picture.



I tag: Trish, Loribeth, G$, and Mrs. Spit.

Eye Color Meme

I am finally getting around to posting my eye color. This was first posted so long ago that I don't remember who I first saw post it.




I guess my eyes are green. I usually call them hazel. Today they look less mucky hazel and more green. The pic was snapped in the sun using my laptop's camera.

We don't know what color Serenity's eyes were. I deeply regret that, along with not knowing whether her ear lobes connected to her jawline or not. Triple S and I differ in eye color and ear lobe attachment. However, I am sure her eyes would have been brown, as I doubt that Triple S' Asian heritage has any blue eye color genes lurking in it's background.

If you haven't posted a pic of your peepers yet, I'd like to see one (or two).

Honest Scrap

Thanks to Hope's mama, Sally, for tagging me. I love receiving an award extolling my honesty!

The rules of the award:

1) Choose a minimum of seven blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

2) Show the seven winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap". Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

10 honest things about ME!

1) I am extremely sarcastic. Which is not really far from lying. I have to be careful with it.

2) I am a terrible typist and now a terrible speller. I rely on Spellcheck way too much.

3) I can barely write by hand. My handwriting was never great, but I can't even write a letter to my grandmother. Plus, there's no spellcheck. I usually type it up and print it out. She really needs email, but she's 90, so it's probably not going to happen.

4) I like to procrastinate; I think of it as professional development.

5) I am a conspiracy theorist.

6) I think I am an idealist and that I tend to have a positive outlook - that the world can be a better place. However, I am also a realist and have little faith in established corporations and organizations.

7) I love to eat.

8) I never wanted to get married or have kids. Then I met Triple S.

9) I read too fast. I just want to get to the end of the story, and skip over too many details. I have lived my life this way in some regards too.

10) I am terrible at remembering movies, actors, bands, etc. There are very few movies that I want to see a second time.


I received this fine award a few days ago, started a draft, and just now got back to it. In that time, I was also tagged by a couple others, and I think a lot of the blogs i read have done this! If you read my blog, and haven't posted this yet (including all you lurkers!), consider yourself tagged!

My Nemesis Tag

Oh cheese, why are you so full of fatty yumminess?

Do you have a nemesis that keeps you from a physical, mental, or emotional goal?
Vanquish your foe by posting your nemesis.
Focus on one nemesis per post.
All readers should consider themselves tagged!

One word answers

Kol@ky tagged me! Thanks dearie!

Answer with a single word answer and then pass on to 7 others...

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Bed
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Annoying
5. Your father? Cranky
6. Your favorite thing? Triple S
7. Your dream last night? Unremembered
8. Your dream/goal? Contentment
9. The room you are in? Office
10. Your hobby? Gardening
11. Your fear? Loss
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Playdate
13. Where were you last night? Bed
14. What you're not? Livebabymama
15. One of your wish list items? Health
16. Where you grew up? PA
17. The last thing you did? Said goodbye (can't think of a one word phrase for sending someone off...)
18. What are you wearing? Houseclothes
19. Your T.V.? DVR
20. Your pet? Stinky
21. Your computer? MAC!
22. Your mood? Indecisive
23. Missing someone? Someones
24. Your car? VW
25. Something you're not wearing? Shoes
26. Favorite store? Tarjay
27. Your Summer? Unfillfilling
28. Love someone? Triple S
29. Your favorite color? Brown
30. When is the last time you laughed? Sarcastically?
31. Last time you cried? Yesterday

Only one word? I am a wordy one...

7 people:
Sara
Reese
Rosepetal
Kristi
banbear2
The Fab Ms. Beth
Team Killion

Since I love your blog, you are now tagged to do this meme!

25 Words of DeadBabyMama Wisdom MEME

The 25 Words of "DeadBabyMama Wisdom" Writing Project

I am snagging this from another blog and modifying it for us in deadbabyblogland.

Write, in 25 words, about your experience OR write 25 words of advice for other deadbabymamas, maybe newbies, OR you can do one of each. This is maybe more of a writing exercise, but everyone I read here has shown themselves to be excellent writers, so please, have at it: (I TAG you ALL!)

Will you accept my invitation to put 25 words of advice or wisdom into a blog post? Here’s how the original author thought that you might go about it.

1. Write about you expereince or feelings as a deadbabymama.
   
2. Write a sentence about it.
3. Count the words you have written.
4. Edit the sentence until you have 25 words exactly. Notice how your idea changes as you edit and how your feelings change with each rewrite.
5. Add a picture if you want.
6. Post your 25 words on your blog with the title "25 Words of DeadBabyMama Wisdom."
   
7. Link back to this post or leave a link to your post in the comments section.
8. Pass this on as you see fit.

Here's mine:
Shoved onto this rollercoaster the day that Serenity's heart stopped beating, I endure the ups, downs, and unending circuits around the track, unable to disembark.