iPOD I

Every time we put Bea to sleep, we turn on a lullaby CD. I often think of her sister as I push play, as I bought this CD,-alarm clock-nature sound machine for Serenity. It even has a connection for the first iPOD shuffle. I don't think the new iPODs will connect.

My daughter is left back there, in the time of the first iPOD shuffle.

***

I finally turned on the radio channel that plays Christmas music all day.

Has my spirit finally gotten the holiday season memo?

I've gone crazy with getting ornaments for the girls. One set arrived yesterday, and my ornament swap ones are in the mail. I can't wait. I also bought a remembrance one and a baby first christmas one from Hallm@rk.  We will put our tree up in two weeks.

This year I decided to do a photo card. (Yes, we've become those people).  But, some folks might like to see what Triple S and I look like these days too. And I've always liked getting ones from others... Do you guys want me to post it, so you can see it?

***

In case you are looking for a lullaby CD, this is the one we have. I don't know if it works for Beanie, but it puts me to sleep:

Chinese Lullabies by Beijing Angelic Choir (I bought it on Am@zon). This video has lyrics in the comments:



***

I went to the dentist today to get yet another cavity filled (I am cursed with bad teeth - I hope Bea gets her dad's teeth). Bea cried the whole time that the receptionist held her.

Attached much? I know she'll outgrow this phase, but it's a tough one. And I know it will be worth it, this little blip of demand, in the connection between mother and daughter. I want her to know that her mama is here for her, that I'll listen to tween pains and teen angst. She won't remember that when she was 8 months old, her mama was with her 24 hours a day. But I hope that she'll come to me with her troubles. That she'll know she can rely on me.

And she is quite adventurous at home. She scoots around everywhere, looking back periodically at me. With a winning smile. That melts my heart.

It's nearly been a year...

It's nearly been a year since he's been gone

And we still sing his goodbye songs

I think I may have originally been introduced to this song (and artist) here in DBL.

This song hasn't left me. This is a man who knows grief.

I guess I'm gonna give up

Not give up life or living. To me, it means giving up the battle with the grief, giving up the unwillingness to accept my daughter's death. Trying to pursue again my hobbies, albeit sometimes without success:

I dropped my paintbrush in the dirt
Still remember just how much that hurt

Triple S sang this song last night, with his guitar. I think it might have been the first time he tried to pluck through it. I was busy, and only half paying attention to him as he sang through different songs. But this morning, it was in my head. I asked him if he was playing this song the night before, singing a few, disjointed lines that were stuck with me. Then he remembered, and played it again. We discussed the lyrics a bit while we ate breakfast, before he headed off to work.

This isn't a song to which I must apply a mental shift in order to make it fit my deadbaby emotions. This isn't a romance of longing. This is the real deal.

I just can't seem to get it right today

It was hard to find a youtube video of it. It's not a happy song, maybe not wildly popular. But he does perform it - painfully- live. Although he is hidden by the microphones, this version is standout. Did you notice how quiet the audience was?

Thank you, Joe Purdy. For such a beautiful, authentic song. For sharing your pain.

(And, I bought a bunch of your albums, because of how much I liked this song...and I hope to see you perform live sometime)