I'm Still Standing

Monday, April 6th was cold and rainy here. Overcast. Yucky and, did I mention, cold? We had an overnight freeze. I have my veggies out, and I covered many with soda bottles and milk jugs. The spring woodland wildflowers, many planted last May, are all growing like crazy spring plants do, so I covered those with old towels.. That's hoosier for you.

All I thought all day was how different it was from April 6th last year.

Now, who remembers the weather on some random date from last year?

I do. I vaguely remember the weather on the 4th and the 5th, but I clearly remember the weather, and how it actually felt, for the 6th.

It's been a year since we had the memorial service for Serenity. Sunday, April 6th, 2008 was sunny, with a gentle breeze that was almost warm. A breeze that you could feel, that made the balloons dance, but that wasn't too strong. The temperature was in the 60s, warm enough to release monarch butterflies. Monarchs that I hope made it through the crazy St Louis weather, the ups and downs, and whose progeny made it to Mexico and found a wooded area. The sun was shiny, the sky was clear. Light filtered through a fountain in a nearby lake. The outdoors smelled alive. The spring flowering trees were showing off: dogwoods, red buds, cherries and crabapples. The breeze brought me warm, scented air, and I allowed it to carry away some of my sadness, to make room for some contentedness, some peace. I surrendered to the joy that is nature.

Friends, coworkers, and family surrounded Triple S and I as we tried to honor and celebrate our daughter. Our first baby.

This year was just so very different. After all this time.

Time and randomness

Every evening when I log on, I spend all my time reading everyone else's posts that I don't have time to post myself! And, yes, I have been reading, just not commenting too often.

There are garden pictures somewhere - maybe still on the camera.

But, now I will do a tag from Azaera, mom to Sophie and Skyler.

Rules are open your sixth picture folder and post the sixth picture and give a bit of background about it. Tag 4 people.

Well, I have IPHOTO, and I am on my new computer right now. Let's see what I find:


Ah, a photo of my grandmother. This photo was taken when Triple S and I went back to my home state for my grandparents 70th (7. 0.) wedding anniversary. Knowing my grandpa, he was probably refilling at the buffet when I snapped this shot.

My aunt planned a large, surprise party for their anniversary. Everyone was coming home, from around the US. We had replied to my aunt that we were not likely to come, since our baby would be less than 2 months old, and we didn't want to drive so far with a newborn.

Needless to say, we didn't have such an excuse.

My grandmother, of course - she does have 90 years of experience! - knew something was going on for their anniversary, but couldn't get any info from my aunt and uncles. She was extremely surprised to see Triple S and I in town that weekend. I also saw my eldest cousin, a man I only remember as the sailor who's knee I sat on one Easter, when I was young enough to innocently sit on a sailor's knee (just to be clear, I was about 7, maybe 9).

It was a huge party. I know that my grandparents have lost many friends over the years. However, I think they still know more people than I do. My family is very stoic and non-emoting, but tightly knit in ways best understood with a curt nod. For example, my aunt's first husband's family was all there. My uncle committed suicide when I was young, before that time I was sitting on my cousin's knee, if memory serves me correctly. It took me awhile as a kid to figure out how I was related to all these "uncles," let alone a guy named "Beetle" - I wasn't! They are my cousins' uncles, but were always around in my life, too.

Triple S and I were ghosts at that party. And I was seeing the people that I had grown up with, most of whom I had not seen for 15 or 20 years. Maybe people remembered me as a sweet 16; surely they had all heard about my stillbirth (their stoics, but well-informed stoics). In the pictures, Triple S and I look like we had been to hell, and not exactly "back."

That's the 'short' background on that picture.



I tag: Trish, Loribeth, G$, and Mrs. Spit.

This time last year 7

That was a foot trying to push its way out, through my abdomen. It's the last movement I can remember now. I don't know if that is because there is a picture of it, or if it was indeed the last perceptible movement. I just don't know.

My mood is eerily smooth. It has me on edge. I can't force my emotions one way or the other, and I can't predict what they will be tomorrow. I have to actually work tomorrow, so I hope they are calm and collected then.

I am so ready to mother, just not sure about readiness to be pregnant again. I suppose, when it comes to it though, I will just go forward and get through it. That's all we can do.

This time last year 6

I remember that Friday was a snowy day here last year. I called off work, wanting a day to relax. I had a list of things that needed done, I wanted to enjoy a day late in my pregnancy, and I knew the in-laws were to arrive soon. I also didn't want to risk the baby in a car accident. The steering wheel was exceedingly close to my stomach.

I don't remember what I did that day. Maybe I have notes jotted in my notebook, maybe not. I went for a pedicure. I couldn't really reach my feet anymore. And the ankles were swollen. I hadn't realized how much until I took this picture:



***
Today, much like last year, will go by without me likely remembering what I was doing. I dropped an old computer off for e-cycling, I went to Yoga. I putz'd around the house on a few chores.

Mostly, I thought about Serenity. I thought about how sad I am. How tough it is.

Now that the blond highlights are growing out, I've noticed how many gray hairs I have. I had just a few near my part last year. Now, there are gray hairs all around the front of my hairline. I have aged. Noticably.

***

Last night, Triple S and I had a fight. This is the first fight for a long time. Over a year. Like most fights, it was over nothing. A misunderstanding over an insignificant thing. All on a background of the impending re-opening of partially healed wounds and large dose of grief. For Triple S, it is the birth of his co-worker's baby. He hadn't told me, saying he didn't want to make me sad. Really, I would be relieved to know.

***
The last several days, I have felt blocked up. I feel disconnected from the universe, even from myself. Nothing is flowing. I went to stitch the first seven days of my quilt together, only to find that the tension unit is completely busted. How that happened I don't know. Not an auspicious beginning to my quilt.

It feels like nothing is going on in my life today, because I am spending time in the past.

This time last year 5

Finishing up the edging on the baby playmat- still not done.



After a huge hot pot meal at my friend's house. I was stuffed, top down and bottom up!


A belly shot. I still felt great. The baby wasn't dropping at all. Maybe because she couldn't, with that umbilical cord around her neck. Why didn't I have another ultrasound? Why didn't I ask for one?

***
Today, I feel the anger and frustration trying to boil to the top again. I have many regrets, but who knows if any alternate actions would have yielded alternate results.

***
I miss you Serenity.

This time last year 4

A month before the baby's due date, a friend and a neighbor hosted a baby shower, for all our neighbors and non-work friends:


Triple S and I were wondering if the baby would prefer the 'I love Mommy' or I love Daddy' bib.

All the attendees decorated a onesie - they are cute and precious and packed away in the basement.

Triple S was jealous so decorated his own.


Looking at these pictures reminds me of what I was doing, planning, and feeling last year. It is unfathomable to me the difference in place, in hopes, in dreams, and in activities between now and then. I was working full-time, still climbing the 3 floors of steps and pollinating 6 foot tall corn plants, tearing them down when the seed was produced. Our house was spotless AND organized, in an attempt to make room for one more permanent resident, an extended 2 month stay of the inlaws and visits from my parents and our sisters. I was finishing up the binding of a quilt. Triple S was trying to wrap up experiments so that he could take some time off. I was eating healthy foods and abstaining from all yummy things, such as alcohol, raw cheese, deli meats, coffee. Wwe were in the home stretch.

Now, I am just here. I am feeling better than six months ago, and better even than one month ago. The night before we left for Mexico, I cried for four hours. Late into the night. We woke at 3 am to catch our plane. This month, I haven't bawled at all; now, tears come to my eyes, forcing their way out. Maybe I am saving up for February.

I am exercising: Mondays Yoga, Tuesdays (7 AM!) boot camp, um, yeah, the rest of the week- I am working on that... I am working on a quilt, one for my sister, replete with butterfly patterned materials and after that a similar one for my SIL. Too bad if they don't like dragon or butterflies.

I am cooking more and baking for fun. The house is a disaster. I still barely care about that. The inlaws are coming for two weeks, arriving, um, sometime this week. I don't really care, they'll get here when they get here. What are we doing while they are here? Don't know.

I am working at building my own business. During the worst financial crises since WWII. I work part-time at a fun job, which hopefully could pay off career-experience wise, but really might not.

We are on the 90-day plan. I am not happy about a 90-day deadline, but of course, I also don't want to get pregnant in May, because it would be one year from when we got pregnant with Serenity, and I think the parallelism would be too much for me to handle. So, we have a window for March and April, then June. Before, I never really cared when I got pregnant.

These days, I just try to keep my stress levels down and my time filled. I try not to over-extend or over-commit myself, because I am not really reliable. I am going out to lunch with some old coworkers tomorrow. This lunch has been in the works for about two months.

I am letting the days go by, trying to strengthen my body and my spirit for what lies ahead. And I try not to think about last year too much.

This time last year

This is me, last year. Look at that big belly. Look at that smile. We went to a wedding for two friends. I have to send them an anniversary card.

I am not looking forward to the next 4 months. Remembering what it was like to be pregnant. Birthdays and holidays. Serenity's delivery and due date.

I told my grandmother (who lost her toddler to diabetes) that we weren't celebrating any holidays this fall. She wrote back to say that we shouldn't "give up every event [we] normally celebrate. ... Believe me, I know how hard it is."

We don't have anyone to 'pretend' for. No older children, no family in town. To me, it truly would be a farce to celebrate my birthday, to decorate for Christmas, or do holiday shopping. I should decorate for Dia de los Muertos.

It was hard enough for us on Mother's Day and Father's Day, days we never 'celebrated' before, days with less commercialization and infiltration. Days we tried to insulate ourselves from the world, days spent in our secret garden.

The smells of fall, the crispness in the air, the shortening days, and the difficulty I had trying to find my winter clothes all remind me of me, pregnant. Last year, my time with Serenity.