At the bookstore

we purchased materials for a bit of light reading come January:





And because I am feeling positive, something for, say, March:


(Well, that one book does say 90 days...)

The day after

As I stirred from my sleep, I was in the middle of a wonderful, adventure-filled dream.

I awoke to return to my normal nightmare.

**love you Serenity**

**

End of the day

I cooked the lasagna and chocolate mayonnaise cake. Triple S cleaned up - that is a real present as I am a messy cook.

Caught some of the Operation Smile special on NBC. Very sad.

I think I was ok today. Mostly chilled. I didn't want to hear about family. My MIL recognized that this might be a hard day for me. I got lot of chocolate as presents- maybe that is how some recognize that I might be have an emotional difficulty. The cards from my Mom & Dad and sis were sweet. Butterflies and posies.

It was better than I could have hoped. Of course, I still have 2 hrs and 17 min to get through.

November 28th

Today is my birthday. I am 33 years old. Perhaps birthdays are really celebrated for the mother. Thirty-three years ago, at 1:29 PM, my mother was successful. I was born after about 36 hours of turkey-induced labor, by c-section. My mom had attempted to impress her in-laws with Thanksgiving at her house.

Triple S gave me a thoughtful and truly suitable card. I have one to open from my grandmother yet. Wishes began to arrive yesterday via email and FaceBook. I can't imagine anything truly wonderful happening today, but maybe the next two years will hold better fortunes for me and my family.

This year, I don't want to hear a slightly off-tune rendition of a certain song that is always sung slightly off-tune. I don't want to be told to have a happy birthday.

Triple S is preparing some congee for breakfast, then I plan to go to an office store to buy myself an all-in-one printer, fax, home office companion. Too much excitement, to be sure.

I am 33 years old. I thought that I had gotten pregnant at a young enough age to make it without worries, just 31. Here I am, two birthdays later, far from where I started but perhaps even farther from my goal.
.

To Give Thanks

Today is what is normally my favorite holiday. I love all the food (the family recipes only, mind you) the time with family, the casual ease of the long weekend.

This year, I cleaned the shelf around Serenity's spot, gardened a bit, and took a nap. I did not want to have a taste of my favorite foods, which I normally eat once per year, in my mouth. I didn't want to celebrate.

But I am grateful for many things:

Triple S, my dear hubby, best friend, companion, confidant. The guy who understands me, and whom I (mostly) understand. He understands why I don't want to celebrate my favorite holiday in the normal manner. We've made a nice life together: we've got a house, a dog, a cat, two cars, and high speed internet. All good.

A couple of my doctors. I figure I better be grateful now, and maybe things will work out next time with the dream team helping us out.

You, the folks on the other side of my blog. This place helps me stay sane and get it all out. Reading your words, whether comments or on your blog, helps keep me balanced. The blogs have lit the path and revealed from the get go that this journey is neither straight nor narrow, but convoluted and at times repetitive. I only hope that I have helped half as much as I have been helped.

Today, I was trying to think that I should be grateful about Serenity. I don't think I am totally there yet. I am glad I had her in my life, and that I enjoyed our time together. I am glad to have felt her move in my belly, and to see Triple S so happy. To me, though, I don't think grateful is really the word, and certainly does not suit the situation as a whole. I love and miss her more than I can bear. I feel privileged to know such love and robbed to have lost her.

Avoiding Miscarriage Book

Dear internets-

Can anyone recommend a book on:

1. Tracking cycles (my cycle is perhaps too long)
2. Preventing miscarriage

that you read and thought was informative?

I can search amazon but can't decide...

I am tired of looking up websites.




thanks

Not a good idea

It was not a good idea to skip going to the grocery store Tuesday and to instead go this afternoon right before my evening class. I am teaching microbiology and wanted to show the students examples of some foods that contain microorganisms (think yogurt, blue cheese, kombucha). Not a good idea.

It was not a good idea to have to go to the local whole foods store that is in the middle of the metro area at the intersection of two of the busiest local highways when half of the largest highway is closed. The DOTs sign proudly proclaims that there are only "13 months and 4 days" left until construction is over. Not a good idea for them to have that sign up.

It was not a good idea to be thinking about your dead baby, the one who should be smiling at you in the rear view mirror, when you are stuck in the nightmare traffic on the day before a holiday you are trying to ignore. Not a good idea.

It was not a good idea to change from your normal 'classic rock' station during a commercial to the "best mix of the classics and the latest from today" when you are sitting in traffic and can actually listen to the lyrics.

And the song "With Arms Wide Open" comes on, and although you have heard it before on those few occassions when you aren't listening to the 'classics', but now that you are bored sitting in this god awful traffic it is definetly not a good idea to pay attention to these lyrics and to realize that it is about a rocker finding out he is about to become a father, that he 'created life' and all the wonderful things he wants to teach his kid. Not a good idea.

It is not a good idea to start crying while you are trying to drive in bumper to bumper highway traffic with a bunch of out of town drives that don't know what freakin lane they needed to get into about 2 miles back so that you can go to the grocery store just before going to stand up in front and teach a bunch of college students.

Not a good idea.