This time last year 6

I remember that Friday was a snowy day here last year. I called off work, wanting a day to relax. I had a list of things that needed done, I wanted to enjoy a day late in my pregnancy, and I knew the in-laws were to arrive soon. I also didn't want to risk the baby in a car accident. The steering wheel was exceedingly close to my stomach.

I don't remember what I did that day. Maybe I have notes jotted in my notebook, maybe not. I went for a pedicure. I couldn't really reach my feet anymore. And the ankles were swollen. I hadn't realized how much until I took this picture:



***
Today, much like last year, will go by without me likely remembering what I was doing. I dropped an old computer off for e-cycling, I went to Yoga. I putz'd around the house on a few chores.

Mostly, I thought about Serenity. I thought about how sad I am. How tough it is.

Now that the blond highlights are growing out, I've noticed how many gray hairs I have. I had just a few near my part last year. Now, there are gray hairs all around the front of my hairline. I have aged. Noticably.

***

Last night, Triple S and I had a fight. This is the first fight for a long time. Over a year. Like most fights, it was over nothing. A misunderstanding over an insignificant thing. All on a background of the impending re-opening of partially healed wounds and large dose of grief. For Triple S, it is the birth of his co-worker's baby. He hadn't told me, saying he didn't want to make me sad. Really, I would be relieved to know.

***
The last several days, I have felt blocked up. I feel disconnected from the universe, even from myself. Nothing is flowing. I went to stitch the first seven days of my quilt together, only to find that the tension unit is completely busted. How that happened I don't know. Not an auspicious beginning to my quilt.

It feels like nothing is going on in my life today, because I am spending time in the past.

To Give Thanks

Today is what is normally my favorite holiday. I love all the food (the family recipes only, mind you) the time with family, the casual ease of the long weekend.

This year, I cleaned the shelf around Serenity's spot, gardened a bit, and took a nap. I did not want to have a taste of my favorite foods, which I normally eat once per year, in my mouth. I didn't want to celebrate.

But I am grateful for many things:

Triple S, my dear hubby, best friend, companion, confidant. The guy who understands me, and whom I (mostly) understand. He understands why I don't want to celebrate my favorite holiday in the normal manner. We've made a nice life together: we've got a house, a dog, a cat, two cars, and high speed internet. All good.

A couple of my doctors. I figure I better be grateful now, and maybe things will work out next time with the dream team helping us out.

You, the folks on the other side of my blog. This place helps me stay sane and get it all out. Reading your words, whether comments or on your blog, helps keep me balanced. The blogs have lit the path and revealed from the get go that this journey is neither straight nor narrow, but convoluted and at times repetitive. I only hope that I have helped half as much as I have been helped.

Today, I was trying to think that I should be grateful about Serenity. I don't think I am totally there yet. I am glad I had her in my life, and that I enjoyed our time together. I am glad to have felt her move in my belly, and to see Triple S so happy. To me, though, I don't think grateful is really the word, and certainly does not suit the situation as a whole. I love and miss her more than I can bear. I feel privileged to know such love and robbed to have lost her.

Not a good idea

It was not a good idea to skip going to the grocery store Tuesday and to instead go this afternoon right before my evening class. I am teaching microbiology and wanted to show the students examples of some foods that contain microorganisms (think yogurt, blue cheese, kombucha). Not a good idea.

It was not a good idea to have to go to the local whole foods store that is in the middle of the metro area at the intersection of two of the busiest local highways when half of the largest highway is closed. The DOTs sign proudly proclaims that there are only "13 months and 4 days" left until construction is over. Not a good idea for them to have that sign up.

It was not a good idea to be thinking about your dead baby, the one who should be smiling at you in the rear view mirror, when you are stuck in the nightmare traffic on the day before a holiday you are trying to ignore. Not a good idea.

It was not a good idea to change from your normal 'classic rock' station during a commercial to the "best mix of the classics and the latest from today" when you are sitting in traffic and can actually listen to the lyrics.

And the song "With Arms Wide Open" comes on, and although you have heard it before on those few occassions when you aren't listening to the 'classics', but now that you are bored sitting in this god awful traffic it is definetly not a good idea to pay attention to these lyrics and to realize that it is about a rocker finding out he is about to become a father, that he 'created life' and all the wonderful things he wants to teach his kid. Not a good idea.

It is not a good idea to start crying while you are trying to drive in bumper to bumper highway traffic with a bunch of out of town drives that don't know what freakin lane they needed to get into about 2 miles back so that you can go to the grocery store just before going to stand up in front and teach a bunch of college students.

Not a good idea.