Four

Four.

It is a hole, and it is not. 
A space filled with unfulfilled dreams.
A void of love.

Our daily lives are so busy now, with your little sister. I feel your absence, see it when I see how she enjoys playing with other kids. Older kids, drawn to that big sister with whom she cannot play.  When I read about craft ideas that she's not ready for yet, but that would be perfect for you. When I see a butterfly, a bird, a bee. Or feel the sun or the wind. When I breathe.

I see how happy your sister is in her innocence, not knowing what happened to us before she came along. I hope she never knows that pain.

We miss you. Maybe we don't talk about you enough.

We will mark this day. We will have cake. We celebrate the time we had together and the love for you that we have for always.

xoxo Serenity xoxo

On names and signs

Triple S' cousin* just used 'our boy name' as her son's second name.

I am so bummed.

I think I will take this as a sign that we are done with more kids.

*This is the cousin who's daughter was born ~11 months after Serenity died. I just can't take her half-Asian little girl, I try and try. It's a hang up for me.

How many kids do you have?

I am raising one daughter.

?

I heard someone say yesterday that he raised three daughters. I think that might be my new answer.

Let them wonder, and possibly ask, about the others. Was I a bad mother, and they were taken away to foster care? Did one die? Maybe they won't even notice the particular phrasing.

Meeting that right person

I am enjoying reading the 'Right Where I Am' posts. Thank you all for your comments; I will visit your blogs when I can.

***

Little Beanie has a friend that was born on the same day.  We all met after they were born, but became fast friends. It's sad to leave them - we have even joked about them moving down to TX after we get settled.

Last week, on FB I asked if anyone could play with Bea for a few hours so I could get some packing done and Triple S could study. Of all my friends, all the people I've known for years, all the people that said 'we'll babysit anytime', this husband and wife volunteered.

On our first playdate, back in late fall or early winter, the mom and I talked. I talked about Serenity, and she told me that she lost twin boys.

And I wonder how she and her husband felt chasing after two toddlers born on the same day.  Close, but not quite right.

Leaving

I have a great deal of anxiety over leaving this town, leaving the people that saw our happiness and our pain, that know what it means when I look at a gaggle of three-year-old girls. And leaving my garden that makes me think of Serenity. I see her in many places around my neighborhood, the local park, the botanical garden. What will I do when I am living in a town that doesn't hold physical memory triggers of her? Not think of her as often?

Janis had an excellent post about moving. I am dreading leaving my comfort zone and entering the unfamiliar.

What if I hated it here? Or, what if Triple S had found a job here, would I find that I didn't really want to stay?

I am trying to release my anxiety and embrace the adventure.  And the two important things will be going with me, Triple S and Beanie.

Right Where I Am: Three Years, Three Months

I read Angie's intro, then came here to write before reading her post.

Yesterday, I had been thinking about where I am with my grief. Timely, that Angie.

***

Three years, three months, 19 days after Serenity died, and where am I? Well, I had to count how many months since her three-year 'birthday', so that's different. I don't even note the 'sixth' of the month much anymore.

The pain and the ache are here, deep inside. And hard to express. Not just 'hard to talk about' or 'hard to show others'; but hard to get out for my own examination, experience, expression. Sometimes I feel like I need a good emotional release, a purge, a wallow, yet nothing comes. No body racking sobs, just a long face.

I know that I have accepted 'dead baby mama' as my reality. Very few "I should have a three year old" thoughts in my mind. I can even handle the gaggle of three-year-old girls that live on my block and gang up on my developmental-timeline imaginings. Three three-year-old girls, with one missing. I don't wonder anymore if it is only to my eye that one is missing. I don't need for others to see it. But I do feel that my neighbor and the mother of one of the girls does.

And I can feel love for Serenity's little shadow baby. Born a week after Serenity and also half-Asian/half-Caucasian. She is a sweet and cute girl, with a ready smile, and likes to color. I can hear her from her porch when she comes out and sees Bea and me in our yard, "Mommy, Bea is out, let's go plaaaaay." 

And I can play.

Juno

We watched (most of) Juno last night. It just happened to come up in the queue on Mother's Day weekend. I definitely could not have watched this movie before Bea was here (esp not when I was pregnant with her!).

I told Triple S this morning that it had me thinking about trying for another. Boy, did that guy have a beam on his face. I haven't been to keen on the idea of another pregnancy, birth, postpartum deal. I am happy now with Bea and am not sure if rocking the boat is a good idea.

Well, we still have to finish the movie... here's hoping the ending quells these new ideas!