If

2 1/2 Years.

Woulda. Coulda. Should be.


Bea is my calm after the storm. Much like I am here helping her to drift into sleep, she is there for me.

I can't imagine doing this without her. I don't know how I managed before she came safely into this world - through the grief, through the miscarriage, through the pregnancy.

My admiration to all of you still struggling to get your next baby.

It's not easy having a baby after such a devastating death. But it sure beats not having one when you want one.

I wanted to acknowledge you, my persevering sisters. I appreciate that you are still reading me. I am thankful that you can celebrate in my joy, but it must still bring pangs to your heart.

The look of utter peace on Bea's face while she sleeps, her chest rising and lowering, brings a little peace to my heart, mitigates my tears.

You've got mail - not.

You know what I realized yesterday? That no one emails me anymore. I have a long list of email addresses, and all I ever get in my in box is junk, from websites I signed up for, from orders, etc.

I pay for my one email account, thinking that then people could always get a hold of me - I've had it for years now. It downlaods quite nicely to my computer, so I always have correspondence saved.

But why do I bother?

I hadn't really noticed that no one contacted me over this last year and a half, after the initial round of cards and emails. But, now, I am noticing.

I like Facebook, because you can keep tabs on the mundane, and with friends spread out all over the place, you wouldn't really know these things if you didn't live in the same town. But, few people respond to my various posts. Some email me there (which I like).

I am not really complaining, I am just noticing, wondering.

What I am to do - send a group email "Hey, I am ready to email again. I promise not to talk about dead baby stuff. But, I am also not going to tell you abut this potential bean, hopefully this sticky sticky bean, yet either. And I probably still have little interest in everyone else's unecessary dramas. Real troubles, yes, I'd like to try to be there, if I can handle it."

But, shouldn't friends check in? Don't they wonder what is going on? Do they not know what to ask?

Have any of you gotten any emails recently from people that you hadn't heard from for awhile?

Toronto is a long drive from the Midwest

**I apologize, but this is really long. I hope you can rea through ost of it, and comment! I don't write as often as I used to, and when something needs to get out, it seems to be all at once**

We drove about 15 hours to get up to Toronto on Friday, arriving while the family was out to a very late dinner. Luckily, some of the bride's friends were also staying at the house, so we could get in. n total, there were about 15 people staying - with two baths and one extra toilet! The bride was wisely staying elsewhere, and the new couple had a hotel room for after the wedding.

Her one friend's fiance was quite nice, offering us tea when we arrived, busying himself with dishes while the bridesmaids got ready. He was an easy one to talk to.

The wedding was lovely. I usually cry at weddings, but worked extra hard to keep this down, since I am not so 'graceful tears welling in my eyes' anymore, but more 'sobbing and blubbering'. It was a full-on Catholic ceremony, complete with blood and body. The bride's side stayed put.

It was hard seeing so much of Triple S' family. We hadn't seen them since long before we were pregnant, and only his parents when Serenity was still here, died, and was born (and again this winter). We hadn't seen the one cousin in 10 years. No one said anything to me about Serenity, and I was trying to keep my thoughts from roaming there, as this weekend was about his 2nd cousin's marriage and new life, replete with Polish fertility-wishing ceremonies. The groom and his family seemed nice enough.

The reception was very fancy and large. The meal was beyond belief, including an inter-course sorbet and peppered chocolate ice cream for dessert (if you live in Toronto, you might be able to guess where this was held, as it is the chef's creation). There was some famous actor there (there is a pic of me with him on someone's camera, just not mine).

After the first dance, and the beginning of the groom/mother and bride/great-uncle (in her case - her father passed when she was really young, and grandpa didn't want to do it - this was my FIL - who is actually a snazzy dancer, me having danced with him at two of my own weddings), all the guests were asked to join in on the dance floor. I don' know what the song was for that second dance, but it transitioned into "what a wonderful world," which was one of the songs we played at Serenity's memorial service, and to which I now apparently have a programmed response to cry upon hearing it. All the emotions of seeing family, and being at the wedding (which we may no have gone to with a toddler), and of missing a wee one running around like crazy, burst out all the dance floor. How embarrassing. It's at moments like these that I wish Triple S and I had the more common gender dimorphism, so that I could have buried my head in his chest and hidden from view.

It had begun to rain during the wedding ceremony, and continued quite steadily through the time of the reception start and the reception, so there were no outdoor pictures, and the bride had gotten no photos with her family. So, shortly after the dancing had started we were all called out for pictures. Me and my puffy red eyes. How much magic do you think the photographer can do before printing??????

We had a Chinese banquet on Sunday evening. One of the bride's mom's friends asked if our family really did still do the tradiotnal things, like red pockets. I am surprised, that living in an area full of so many Chinese (I was a definite minority in Markham), that people didn't still give the new couple red pockets. When Triple S and I got married, we received enough money from his family to have a substantial start to our house fund (my family not so generous). I see it as a big loan, because over the years we will give all that money back, but it is really nice to get a huge lump sum at the beginning to help you get started. We couldn't give as much as I had wanted to, but I will send them a really nice housewarming present when they settle down (there are teaching in Kuwait right now - and planned the wedding from there!)

At the banquet we sat with the bride and groom and some of her bridal party, her sister and boyfriend, and the Chinese cousins. I am always surprised when my FIL's brothers get together, they talk nonstop. Since they all speak Cantonese, I have no idea (neither does Triple S, as he speaks Mandarin) what they talk about, and I really have a hard time fathoming how they can talk so much (we were long in bed while they were still up taking all 3 nights we were there). And Catonese is a boistrous language. So, while there was an apparently stirring conversation going on at the old folks table, our table was silent. I think most of the young people were worn out, having stayed late at the reception. But you would think that 13 people could find something to talk about. I am a naturally curious person, and don't know this 2nd cousin well (having only met her at my own wedding - and she is a bit reserved - and I had no time to talk to anyone at my wedding) and had not met the groom before. So, I am peppering them with questions (but also conscious of not over doing it), receiving short, direct responses, and no questions in return! Am I that rusty at social interactions? And these people aren't even scientists (like Triple S and I, a group that is often disparaged for no social skills - my sciency friends are always a lively bunch and ALWAYS have somethings to talk about - yes, sometimes science, but also politics, jobs, money even entertainment, etc). I want to know how they ended up in Kuwait, if the groom had seen the dress beforehand, what they liked to eat (several of the speeches at the reception mentioned that the way to the bride's heart was thru her stomach - which was the same way Triple S won me over - his family on a whole is alot about food - so I thought this would be a good topic), what their plans were, etc. The conversation didn't really get rolling until the one friend was talking about the two degrees she is seeking (Nursing and public health and some minors). I later asked her, that it seemed she was interested in doing something community based, and we started talking about urban issues (she from Minneapolis and us from the Lou - Midwest cities with similar demographics and issues), and finally we had something going. The rest just kinda sat there. I guess I am really passionate about stuff, and it seems others, not so much.

I don't know if people seem inhibited around us, maybe the one thing they want to talk about they feel is taboo (although I am sure the friends don't know about our reproductive woes). I am not sure if this is a dbm issue, an age gap (we are 33 after all - ya know - old), or just differences in interests. I know the sister is more of a partier than a conversationalist (I have never been able to strike up a conversation with her - and I have seen her several times). Maybe people think I am a gossip or something??? But I am one of these people who likes to know things, and have it all ordered. Would I pester someone if I knew they lost baby? Want to know how they were feeling? Would that be a bad thing?

It irks me in some ways tho, because when you are at a gathering, shouldn't you try to learn about others? I have plenty of other things about which to talk, say my job, my gardening, my recent trips, volunteering. But no one was interested, I guess. (can you tell that it kinda bugged me? Like I said, I like to understand things).

We said our goodbyes, that night after the banquet. I have a soft spot in my heart for Triple S' one aunt, Kuku we call her. We can't communicate well, as she doesn't speak English and I don't speak Cantonese. I've always had some kind of connection with er, from the first time we me, maybe 10 years ago. But she called the U.S. after Serenity died, speaking with my ILs and also talking to me. The broken conversation meant a lot to me, because she was making an extra effort to reach out, something that people who can speak to me didn't even do. She also became a grandmother this spring, and I can't talk about the new niece in the family, I don't talk (FaceBook) much to Triple S' cousin. But I really wanted to tell Kuku congratulations. While standing in the kitchen full of the family, I started crying before I got it out. The kitchen emptied. After our hugs with Kuku, we waved goodbye to everyone else, in the den, as they were watching a video on the computer. Would this be an appropriate use of the word pariah???

Anyway, we left at about 5:30 the next morning, stopping off to see Niagara Falls, because Triple S had never seen it.



We also took a detour to stop in Cleveland and see my grandparents' and my uncle's graves. I could have stayed there to cry for an hour. Or more. If I was a superstitious person, I might even think that my grandmother stole my little baby to be there with her.

The return trip took about 18 hours, with the stops and all. And I am exhausted.

Duality

There's a 8-10 foot wide spot of yard and sidewalk between our house and our neighbor's. In an effort to separate their child, their dog, and the dog's crap, they have made a two-year-old haven in that area, some of which is actually our otherwise unused property.

There's a sand box, a slide, a rumbling plastic roller coaster, and some other toys, large and small. It's become the hang-out for the two-and-under gang of the neighborhood, every afternoon. Some of the kids are small enough that a parent holds their arms as they go down the 'coaster. Other's go down forward or backwards, without fear. Some are thinking it would be great to line the ramp up with the embankment, for an extra long and steep ride.

I am thinking to post the following sign in my front garden: "If your child plays in my yard, I will teach them cuss words".

Or maybe to start blasting punk music out my windows "Fuck fuck fuck" to a heavy drum beat. I am sure the kids will dance to it.

My neighbor knocked on the door yesterday, to see what was going on "oh, I was wondering if you were still alive over here, I haven't seen you for awhile" (why do people so colloquially refer to death?). Well, I have been busy, and out of the house a bit, with the summer camp and all. I also told her that I am outside, working in my front garden, just not when she - of the unusual work schedule - is around.

In my circuitous way, I did eventually use an opening - when she said how much fun her son has on the rollercoaster - to say that it is annoying. I can hear it in my house. No it's not that he rides it too early. It's the afternoon, when all the two-and-unders are here. She figured it out, she got it.

I feel bad that it bothers me. But I feel like all those parents are being insensitive. They all live here, on the same block that I do. If they didn't know directly, surely they have heard - that my baby died, that she should be out there, of an age with their children. Maybe she'd be old enough now to go down the rollercoaster by herself, or maybe she would still need the support of her parents.

The reason my neighbor doesn't see me is because when they are all out there, I am hiding in my house, trying to not hear the rumble of the rollercoaster, as its reverberations break chinks into my cobbled together heart.

Drives are Great for Talkin'

I have been looking forward to today for about 5 months. Today was the native plant sale at a local nature reserve. Multiple vendors come from all over the state to sell their natives. All of my gardening is natives or edibles (except for the gerber daisies I plant in the front porch boxes and plants inherited with the property).

Triple S had a tough week because his coworker's baby shower was today. His boss always hosts the showers after the baby is safely here, because one of her technicians had a stillborn son about 10 years ago. We never had a 'work' shower, and he wanted nothing to do with it today (although he did contribute towards the group gift). So, he planned his day to be over before the shower and came home early. Poor guy. He drove out to the reserve with me.

As we drove through the verdant tree-lined roads, we talked. Triple S feels he received pity at work (short-lived as it was) but little compassion from most of his coworkers (the one who lost her first son and another who had four miscarriages and is now childless have been great - those who get it). For some reason, so many people lack true compassion and empathy.

There seems to be a subtle difference between pity and compassion.

We also talked about a recent story I heard on NPR. It was about the case in Iowa that has legalized gay marriage there. The lawyer that brought the case put into words something that I have always felt but haven't been able to coalesce into a decent paraphrase (Aside from the fact that I identify as a flaming liberal). Basically, this lawyer has worked for years to bring equal rights for LBG to marry. But, she's straight. And the interviewer asked her why she worked to do this. What she said rings so true. I translate it now into my own thoughts. I don't want to see people enslaved, or tattooed to be filed into camps, or treated unfairly or lacking in rights that so many others take for granted. And like the white abolitionists of the North leading up to the Civil War, I am not content living in a society that doesn't offer rights to some but not all, such as accepting that true love can exist between two men or two women. Any two people of adult age should be able to marry, and enjoy all the legal rights and take on all the legal responsibilities of that institution. Triple S retorted that this kind of thinking requires compassion, something we've already seen that so many people lack.

After our deep car conversation, we arrived at the sale, where Triple S helped me carry the plants. I finally found the witch hazel I have been waiting for - I got an Ozark witch hazel for myself and a Virginia for my neighbor ($15 bucks each -a bargain! others I saw at nurseries as high as $120!). This made my day, and made Triple S happy and light because I am happy (he spoils me). Since I saved so much on the witch hazel, I bought several other shade-loving plants for our 'woodland' garden, under our dogwood tree. On the way home, I treated my dear hubby to BBQ, which made him extremely happy.

I am so glad that the days are getting longer. We arrive home and I puttered around in my garden some, planting more basil, sage, calendula, and even risking some gerber daisies. Unfortunately, I was so excited to take care of my posies that I let the dog eat the leftovers. So, I guess I made her happy today too.

I have a wish for this Sunday, and that is to go hunt out a bird feeder for my office window. Other than that, MD is not really bothering me that much. I think that how much I have been looking forward to the plant sale this weekend has outshone the holiday glaring at me on the calender. I sent my mom some generic card, because I didn't want to read too many and because I don't feel like she has really been all that supportive. Well, she doesn't say too many unsupportive things, and I don't try to talk to her about anything anymore anyway.

For all of you out there, I wish you a peaceful and safe Mother's Day. I hope those near you find the ability to feel compassion. May you handle it with grace and may your heart be filled with love.

And please, go give love to my IRL friend who just miscarried her son's little sibling.

Aches

Still, almost 15 months out, some days are ok and some days aren't.

I am having some not so great days.

I have had a headache for the better part of the last few days. Comes from the base of the back of my head, wraps right up the side to my temples. Nice. Last night and today it hurts so much that my stomach is nauseous. Super nice.

Then I think, am I pregnant? Even though I just had a period? Because I had a headache for the entire first trimester. But no, don't think so.

Then, am I developing seasonal allergies? Triple S' have come into full force, but that involves a lot of snot and sinus pressure. I don't think I have sinuses at the base of my head (but who knows, other anatomical things are awry in my body).

I think it's from PT. Since I was all losey from my massage, I think the PT did some super special 'treatments' and the upper vertebrate in my neck are unhappy about it. Apparently they like the position that they have been in for the last 15 or so years and are stubbornly refusing to be content in a new position. Boo hiss to them.

I am also anxious, because as Janis recently wrote, I am about to enter one of the frontiers of avoidance. This Saturday is the Chinese Festival at the Botanical Garden where I work. They expect at least 6000 people on Saturday, the day that I work. Triple S and I have been to the Chinese Festival before, since you know Triple S is Chinese. This is an event we would have surely taken Serenity to this year, but wouldn't otherwise be attending now. But, alas, I have to work.

All the folks that have adopted Chinese babies bring their kids to the event so that their kids can get some of the 'native culture'. Now, I am mostly ok with blond-haired and blue-eyed little babies*. But those Asian kids break my heart. Serenity looked more like Triple S than me, from the tone of her skin, to her dark hair and the shape of her eyes. She also had his lips**.

So, tomorrow I expect to be sitting at the gardening help desk, answering the number one question for such a large event (Do you have a bathroom in this building?) and seeing all the kids in their cute little chi paos looking all alive and happy.

*Ha-who am I kidding, I had to try really hard not to cry Thursday when a volunteers' one-year-old grandaughter came in Thursday and everyone was fussing over her.
**Just for the record, she had my pinky toe.

Life

The birds laid an egg. I moved the phone book and the egg was nestled in there. Today, I found it broken on the porch floor. This isn't the first bird who has tried to live there, nor the first egg to roll of the shelf. It is really not a good place for a nest. Ugh.

We have an appointment with the RE next Monday. Feels better knowing (hoping) that help is on its way.

The rabbit was really good. We'll cook rabbit again.

We cleaned my car yesterday.

Didn't get any phone calls from family.

But my hubby is great. You plus one equals love.

And, I really like the show called 'Life.' Anyone watch it?

Flawed Logic and Other Downloads

Friends are the family that you choose.

No one has chosen to be in the dead baby mama club.

So does that make us friends or family?

But just knowing you are there in my internets helps a bunch.

***

This week has been a hard week. I try to figure out why, but, well, I know. I really prefer the not-bad weeks.

My hormones are messing with me.

It's rainy today.

I have to call the RE today to make an appointment. Yet another doctor.

I feel like such a failure with my physical therapy. I guess I am better, the pain is less. However, I don't feel like my posture has really improved. My stomach is way out and my upper back is way curved. My PT had a student the last two appointments, so we got to go through all the symptoms. I think I am an excellent example of everything that can be wrong with a back (Kyphosis, Lordosis, Scoliosis, and something is rotated - I don't quite understand this one yet). All it means for me is pain. And that I am not healthy enough yet to carry another baby.

Last Saturday was sunny, and there was all day easter egg hunts at work. ugh. I think easter is bothering me more than I thought it was.

I cried at PT today. I think it is offiicial, I have now cried everywhere that I go.

I called my mom, thinking, 'well, maybe it's my fault we're not closer. I'll try talking to her.' So, I got out that I am still in a lot of pain, and she said she wished a doctor had fixed my back when I was a kid (ya know, when SHE was the parent and responsible for taking care of me). Then, I got to hear all about her crap. Thanks. Nope, not my fault. And then she asked what we are doing for easter. ya know, cause we have so much family here. I told her "You know mom, we haven't been celebrating any holidays this year.' "Oh, really? Why not?" Mental note, don't call family when I already feel sucky.

I am battling a bird on my front porch. Well two. I think they are doves. Sunday, they built a nest on the top of the pillar, under the porch roof. In the afternoon, both were gone, so I knocked the nest down. The second day, the nest was back, so I waited until it was empty, and knocked it down again. I placed an old newspaper 'in the way'. Well, next day, they were nestled under the newspaper quite comfortably. So, then I filled the whole pillar with rolled up newspapers (in the sleeves that they land in my yard in) and a telephone book that has been sitting on the front porch for weeks (still in the plastic too). Guess who is sitting where this morning?


I guess once they choose a spot, they are pretty set on it. There's going to be eggs in their soon, then I'll have to worry about the cat getting out. Dang it.

I cried while talking to the receptionist at PT. She knows that our daughter died. Well, this cry was brewing since last night, and it just came out there. She came over and hugged me and was really there for me. **Thanks** She told me that she understood how sad I was, and that her husband divorced her cause she couldn't have kids. Jerk. The owners of the PT place also had several miscarriages before having their (I think two) kids. Maybe that's why I feel comfortable there, and why I chose that place. They have support for these kinds of super sucky things.

Last week, my PT's grandfather died, and we were talking about grief, I told him my daughter died last year (he didn't know, although I kinda said things around it). Well, turns out he and his wife have had a lot of miscarriages and no baby yet. It just makes me sad.

My PT told me to excercise to get my endorphins up. So I walked on the treadmill after my treatment. It made my back hurt, right under the last true rib. Yep, that's evil spot #1. And then I went out to the receptionist, where I proceeded to cry. My endorphins are f'd up, cause they sure didn't help.

This afternoon Triple S and I are off to the farmer's market to buy a rabbit. Yep, we are eating a rabbit on Sunday. "Hop" it makes me feel better. (See, bitter dbms can participate in holiday cheer too).