This time last year 6

I remember that Friday was a snowy day here last year. I called off work, wanting a day to relax. I had a list of things that needed done, I wanted to enjoy a day late in my pregnancy, and I knew the in-laws were to arrive soon. I also didn't want to risk the baby in a car accident. The steering wheel was exceedingly close to my stomach.

I don't remember what I did that day. Maybe I have notes jotted in my notebook, maybe not. I went for a pedicure. I couldn't really reach my feet anymore. And the ankles were swollen. I hadn't realized how much until I took this picture:



***
Today, much like last year, will go by without me likely remembering what I was doing. I dropped an old computer off for e-cycling, I went to Yoga. I putz'd around the house on a few chores.

Mostly, I thought about Serenity. I thought about how sad I am. How tough it is.

Now that the blond highlights are growing out, I've noticed how many gray hairs I have. I had just a few near my part last year. Now, there are gray hairs all around the front of my hairline. I have aged. Noticably.

***

Last night, Triple S and I had a fight. This is the first fight for a long time. Over a year. Like most fights, it was over nothing. A misunderstanding over an insignificant thing. All on a background of the impending re-opening of partially healed wounds and large dose of grief. For Triple S, it is the birth of his co-worker's baby. He hadn't told me, saying he didn't want to make me sad. Really, I would be relieved to know.

***
The last several days, I have felt blocked up. I feel disconnected from the universe, even from myself. Nothing is flowing. I went to stitch the first seven days of my quilt together, only to find that the tension unit is completely busted. How that happened I don't know. Not an auspicious beginning to my quilt.

It feels like nothing is going on in my life today, because I am spending time in the past.