If

2 1/2 Years.

Woulda. Coulda. Should be.


Bea is my calm after the storm. Much like I am here helping her to drift into sleep, she is there for me.

I can't imagine doing this without her. I don't know how I managed before she came safely into this world - through the grief, through the miscarriage, through the pregnancy.

My admiration to all of you still struggling to get your next baby.

It's not easy having a baby after such a devastating death. But it sure beats not having one when you want one.

I wanted to acknowledge you, my persevering sisters. I appreciate that you are still reading me. I am thankful that you can celebrate in my joy, but it must still bring pangs to your heart.

The look of utter peace on Bea's face while she sleeps, her chest rising and lowering, brings a little peace to my heart, mitigates my tears.

Positive vs Negative

A few other dbm bloggers have been listing their positives each week or setting goals and updating their progress. I struggle to think of positive things in my life. Maybe I am hard-wired for the negative.
When I look back over my life, it is the negative things that I remember, that I feel have shaped who I am and the direction that my life took.  It's the regrets that are burned into my memory more vividly, perhaps because I have replayed them so many times.

I don't want to teach Beanie to be so negative. I don't want her to be a cynic.

Now, sitting here today, playing with Beanie daily, I find it hard to be lighthearted. This is a trend that has developed over the last five or six years. This trend was only reinforced by two years of grief.

My laughs are sarcastic, sardonic, and mirthless, not hearty and robust or genuine.

I think I will try to re-train myself. I will focus on the positive. I will follow the good examples of Barb and Anna and Mrs. Spit, listing the positives and working toward goals.

It seems to me that the positive things are always so small, the minutia of daily life, while the negative things are the big deals.  (A nice sunset vs, say, a dead baby) Do you think this is true or just my wiring?