Ti.ai..ai.me is on your side

As Triple S has been saying frequently of late, "I can't wait for this year to be over".

Two nights ago I was so dizzy I hardly slept. This morning I woke up feeling fine, rolled over and was super dizzy. I finally got up, brushed my teeth, and gagged myself into throwing up my empty stomach. Oh fun, do I have morning sickness with a dead baby?

Well, no, I guess I have a stomach flu. I called the Doc, and they said one is going around. I have never been so dizzy with the flu before though. So, I spent my day in bed or on the couch. I called Triple S since I was dizzy beyond belief, and he came home. Poor guy.

We can't wait for this year to be over.

I should be all better for the D & C tomorrow. At least since Ihave been so sick today, and asleep for the better part of it, I wasn't awake to be worrying about the procedure.

I need a stasis pod so that I can have a vacation from life.

Either Triple S or I will let you know late tomorrow how we are doing. Thanks ya'll.

Empty Words

List of random things that people have said over the last few weeks to me:

Last night, after seeing some people who worked at old job: "oh, how do you like your new stay-at-home job? You have young kids at home, right?" "Um, no." "Oh, yeah, your the one, right, yeah, so how do you like it?" I talked tot his girl often, and I worked at a place with about 150 emloyees, all of whom received 'the email'.

"My son is so rambunctious. You better hope you have a girl." Oops. "Ya know, next time."

"Just wait til you have kids, you'll get no sleep."

Yep, I guess we should be all over it by now.

Just helps me to put it out there....

No changes in my health. Really tired today and had myself one good cry. We are going for ice cream for dinner.

Nobody was home

There was no growth since the last ultrasound and no heartbeat today. Macadamia is no longer with us.

The doctor has recommended a D & C. I am not sure that I am up for a medical procedure. Any thoughts, pros/cons, your experience? I think a miscarriage should come soon since it has already been 2, if not 3, weeks. We are scheduled for Thursday. I guess I hope that a miscarriage will occur before that.

Triple S is hanging around the house now. I think he will go into work a bit, as I am encouraging him to do so.

This new OB is recommending that we take super high folic acid, aspirin, and maybe even heparin, for the next pregnancy, when we get there. I am really leaning towards after February, when Serenity died. I just want to get through that and get my health better (and figure out what my thyroid is or isn't doing).

Thanks to those who checked in earlier today. You all know that it means so much.

Right now I feel like I want to pop into the reception for a very short bit. It's good to celebrate life sometimes, and this person was really supportive when Serenity died, I returned to work, and I quit that old job. This is someone whose good fortune I want to celebrate, with them.

I guess I am still in a bit of shock and denial, but in some ways was prepared for this since that last u/s wasn't promising. It will hit me soon enough, I am coasting on this rollercoaster right now.

~a

Getting out of the dead baby rut

Nope. I am not out of it. Today is one of those days that I just 'woke up on the wrong side of the bed' and am feeling blue all day.

I have a lot of little things on my mind. This pregnancy is wearing me out. I am anxious. We have an OB appointment on Friday, and an ultrasound. Hopefully there's someone home.

My retest for TSH (hypothyroid) came back within the normal range. I don't know if I should test again, to see if I am fluctuating. We will discuss with the OB.

Like Sara over at "Streaks on the China" said, these politics are wearing me out. This Palin lady is scary. She traveled late in pregnancy and supposedly had some early signs of labor. I just wonder if she didn't care that much if her son was at risk.

Since I was having a blah day, I watched some "day time television" while eating my lunch. I ended up watching one of those spouse swapping shows. The one mom was real nice and her family and kids were her priority. The other lady was kinda selfish, she left her daughters' father for a younger, immature man. I thought she was really immature. People like that bug me.

Highlight of the day- I went for a bike ride around the nearby park. Early fall weather rocks. I won't be able to bike much longer as this pregnancy goes on, although I am thinking of getting a stand so that I can bike in the basement.

After this ultrasound on Friday, I hope to tell a few friends that we are incubating. That way we'll be able to do things with them again. There's two couples that we do something with about monthly. This started after Serenity died (a few months after). We don't talk about Serenity (we did quite a bit with the one couple right after), but they are not immature and don't say dumb stuff around us. There's really been very few people we've been able to tolerate these last months, so it will be nice to be able to go out with them. They're fun and pleasant and loooow drama.

We have a wedding reception to go to this Friday. Yesterday I went shopping to buy the couple a small present. I don't think they registered and their in their 40's, so they have all those household type things. I went to an antique store, because sometimes I can find something nice for that couple that already has everything. Nothing really caught my eye, and I haven't been to their new house yet to know what would work. I went to a Hallmark store to see if I could find something about 'love'. Well, the Hallmark store just made me really sad. I told Triple S later that night, and he said it's because "Hallmark stores are full of all that sentimental crap!" Oh, yeah, that's what was getting to me. He always knows jut what is beyond the tip of my tongue! Anyway, I bought a plaque that says:

Love believes all,
hopes all,
endures all...
Love never ends.

This is something on which I believe I can speak with authority. I hope they appreciate it and the deeper idea behind it. I am deeply grateful to have Triple S, my best friend and my strength.

Well, hopefully we will be in the mood to go the reception. It will really depend ont he U/S results. I think I might have to wear the dress I wore to a wedding last October, with my big Serenity bump. I have now what can only be referred to as pudge. I really can't blame it on macadamia...yet.

I commented today on a post that I can't believe it is only four weeks since I found out I was pregnant. I am weary...and confused. It's only been three weeks.

September GITW 6x6

1 | Do you feel as though a higher entity/supreme being/energy force has a presence in your life? What do you call it, and what makes you feel it exists?

No, not really, Didn't before Serenity died and don't now.

2 | Describe, in a word or two, the nature of your spiritual self before and then after the loss of your baby/babies.

Before and after, an agnostic or humanist. I don't think there is a 'higher power', certainly not one that trifles with the daily lives of individuals.

I am not sure what happens to our 'souls'. I tend to think they get recycled.

3 | Do you pray, even if you wouldn’t call it praying? To whom? What for?

Nope. I sometimes just hope for peace and love in this world, for everyone.

4 | Is there a particular line of scripture/teaching/sentiment that you find particularly helpful? Or is there one that’s commonly referred to but is unhelpful?

The songs I chose for Serenity's memorial service really spoke to me, and still do.

Unhelpful comments are such as things as "god needed his angel back" and any of those religious platitudes.

5 | Did your faith offer rites, rituals or teachings that acknowledged your baby and your healing? If not (or if you didn't seek it out in an organized fashion), what rites, rituals or mantras have you adopted as your own?

I only think that I love my daughter and that she should be a force of good in my life, and that nothing bad should come from her death. This is why Triple S and I have been careful to handle our emotions and to support each other in our grief, being patient and caring towards one another.

6 | Some people say that in a foxhole (a desperate, life-threatening situation), there are no atheists. You’ve been in a foxhole. Discuss.

I actually considered being an atheist, but I am a scientist so can't say either way. I know enough people believe in 'god', so there is a force of common thought out there. After receiving the news that our baby had no heartbeat, I didn't turn to any invisible being. Perhaps my grasp on reality worked for me, because I knew I needed to get through the delivery. I relied on my husband and myself.

Memories of love

I just came here to check on my comments. That's it. I am having a fine day, full of a doctors appointment, an x-ray and bloodwork, errands and a trip to the Uni to get some info for the course I am teaching (microbiology for those who would ask).

After arriving home, I set to work on finding some essays from which to write assignments for the students. Delightful time to read some beautiful science writing. I hopped back here to the computer to check for an email on which I am waiting. Not here, so I thought I'd check in with my blog.

After reading the two comments from fellow John Denver fans, the song just popped into my head. And I remembered why I chose it for the memorial service.

Love is hard to define, but you know it when you feel it. And you surely know it when you loose it.

The pain of my grief is less turbulent, less disruptive. Like a body of water, it is calm, and looks soothing and, since it is crystal clear, safe. It even has a layer on top, that layer of surface tension that allows a water bug to skim about, disturbing the pond's absolute tranquility. The pool looks inviting. However, if I even dare to stick my toe into this well of grief, it boils, and roils and spews, it scalds and freezes. The slightest dip hurts, not from without, but from the core of my being. Mostly, it makes me sob.

Perhaps everything from this point in my life will go swimmingly; I may find contentment, happiness and joy at every turn. But my deepest memory of love will always be of Serenity. My most painful memory will be her death.


***************

I went to my family doctor today for a follow up on my back pain. I think she adjusted at least 80% of my vertebrate (she's also a chiropractor - a perfect combo for me). No wonder I was in so much pain. My hips were out, my thoracic, and my neck.

We also went over the blood work, the same results I had handed to my new OB at our first appointment. She said my TSH was a bit high (a sign of hypothyroidism). This runs in my family (although I didn't know this until my sister was having dizzy spells when she stood up a few years back AND THEN we found out that my father's mother and sister have been on thyroid medicine for years). What's the point of having a family history if the family doesn't tell you the history (like it is a shameful secret to be on thyroid pills). I didn't even know those grandparents had false teeth until I was, like, 17. Anyway, irate rant there.

So, my TSH levels were at 4.25, which is still less than the "threshold" number that LabCorp prints on their sheet, a 4.5. But my doc said that anything over 3 is actually abnormal and warrants a low dose medicine. Well, since I needed to have some other bloodwork done, we decided to repeat it and I will point it out to the OB next Friday.

So, here I am consulting Dr. Google. I type in 'TSH above 3', and this is the article at the top of my search. Note the date at the top.

I just want to say the my family doctor is really up on things! Now I have to go read what hypothyroidism is all about and maybe if diet does anything (I seem to think not, but hey, I'll check). I also wonder how this will affect macademia. I am going to try not to worry about the last time........

I haven't disappeared, honest.

Triple S is playing one of the songs from Serenity's memorial service on the guitar. It sounds so beautiful.

I am tired and slightly nauseous. I assume that means that macadamia is growing and pumping out lots of hormones. One week 'til our next appointment.

I have been trying to comment, but I don't have too much to say to everyone. I also have a meme and the GITW 6 x 6 to do. On my list....

Perhaps Love
John Denver

Perhaps love is like a resting place
A shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort
It is there to keep you warm
And in those time of trouble
When you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home

Perhaps love is like a window
Perhaps an open door
It invites you to come closer
It wants to show you more
and even if you lose yourself
And don’t know what to do
The memory of love will see you through

Oh, love to some is like cloud
To some as strong as steel
For some a way of living
For some a way to feel
And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
And some say they don’t know

Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict full of change
Like a fire when it’s cold outside
Or thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you


Mommy and Daddy miss you, Serenity.