The doves that talk to me

There are two kinds of doves that talk around this house.

There are a pair of mourning doves (maybe the same pair I tried to evict weeks ago, who laid an egg in a unprotected and windy spot) outside. Coo....coo-coo. If you've ever heard a mourning dove, you know how it got its name. It makes my heart hurt a tiny bit every time.

The second dove involves foil. Today, it said to me:

'Bring your life to life: stop planning and start doing'

'Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die tomorrow'

'One's best success comes after one's greatest disappointment'

The first one makes me think snarky thoughts. "I wish I could just bring my baby to life. Ha"

The second one hurts; I thought chocolate was supposed to be heart healthy.

I am still waiting for the third one to materialize.

Sometimes I wish doves would keep their thoughts to themselves.

Ya Chun meets Mondrian

I like straight lines. I like being told to color within the lines. I never thought of Mondrian as abstract art, because his work is composed of straight lines. And I understand straight lines.

Now, there's this handy little internet do-hickey that will make 'you' into straight lines (all very well explained by Niobe).

This is 'me:'


Can straight lines and colored blocks portray a person?

Apparently, I am as wide as I am tall. Or, um, I like balance? Well, brown is my favorite color, so I guess that's good. I like plants and gardening, is that how that green got in there? The quiz asks if you have children, but doesn't ask about if any have died. Would that introduce a diagonal or a jagged line? I feel that a nasty crack should be right across that image.

Aches

Still, almost 15 months out, some days are ok and some days aren't.

I am having some not so great days.

I have had a headache for the better part of the last few days. Comes from the base of the back of my head, wraps right up the side to my temples. Nice. Last night and today it hurts so much that my stomach is nauseous. Super nice.

Then I think, am I pregnant? Even though I just had a period? Because I had a headache for the entire first trimester. But no, don't think so.

Then, am I developing seasonal allergies? Triple S' have come into full force, but that involves a lot of snot and sinus pressure. I don't think I have sinuses at the base of my head (but who knows, other anatomical things are awry in my body).

I think it's from PT. Since I was all losey from my massage, I think the PT did some super special 'treatments' and the upper vertebrate in my neck are unhappy about it. Apparently they like the position that they have been in for the last 15 or so years and are stubbornly refusing to be content in a new position. Boo hiss to them.

I am also anxious, because as Janis recently wrote, I am about to enter one of the frontiers of avoidance. This Saturday is the Chinese Festival at the Botanical Garden where I work. They expect at least 6000 people on Saturday, the day that I work. Triple S and I have been to the Chinese Festival before, since you know Triple S is Chinese. This is an event we would have surely taken Serenity to this year, but wouldn't otherwise be attending now. But, alas, I have to work.

All the folks that have adopted Chinese babies bring their kids to the event so that their kids can get some of the 'native culture'. Now, I am mostly ok with blond-haired and blue-eyed little babies*. But those Asian kids break my heart. Serenity looked more like Triple S than me, from the tone of her skin, to her dark hair and the shape of her eyes. She also had his lips**.

So, tomorrow I expect to be sitting at the gardening help desk, answering the number one question for such a large event (Do you have a bathroom in this building?) and seeing all the kids in their cute little chi paos looking all alive and happy.

*Ha-who am I kidding, I had to try really hard not to cry Thursday when a volunteers' one-year-old grandaughter came in Thursday and everyone was fussing over her.
**Just for the record, she had my pinky toe.

Busy as a Bee

What have I been up to lately?

Lunch:

Apple butter and cottage cheese on homemade toast. One of my favorite snacks! If I ever have apple butter and cottage cheese in the house at the same time, neither lasts long! This was the second piece for the day (so I'm a hobbit and need two lunches...) If you have never tried this, I recommend it. There's a local farm here that makes yummy apple butter. My favorite apple butter is anise. Ohhhh. I shoulda bought that one. I thought that *maybe* the plain would last longer...

Indoor farming:

I start my own tomatoes, peppers, eggplants, some herbs, gerber daisies and some other stuff. This year I started extra, since I have more time, and I am selling them. Craigslist is working great for this! Those funky looking pots are made of coir, or coconut fiber, which is a byproduct of coconut food processing. It's a more sustainable product than peat, which is a carbon sink that must be mined from the earth. I also make my own soilless starter mix, which is coir, earthworm castings, perlite and bio-fertilizers. (that's why I can sell these on craigslist- targeted marketing...)

Outdoor gardening (Well, a bit windy today these are from the other day):


This is a shot of the Polemonium reptans in our 'woodland' garden, which is a bit of a garden for Serenity. It is a 'woodland' garden because it is under a dogwood, which itself is supposed to be an understory tree. It is marginally growing here, but the native woodland plants do quite well under it. I have violets (cream, yellow, purple and white, and purple) blooming now too. The P. reptans is just the lightest of blues.

Cooking:

Those pansies, violas and woodland violets are supposed to make up for the saturated fat in that nice piece of steak. Yep, all are edible flowers! Triple S thought it was so pretty, I had surprised him by laying out the plates and stashing them in the fridge while he was grilling the steak on Friday. Maybe that's why I got the surprise bath on Saturday!

And see how straight my back is in the pic! I got a massage on friday, and I don't know what my *new favorite-person-in-the-whole-world* did, but my upper back is feeling much better - and for a whole 5 days now. I was gentle with myself in yoga yesterday because I didn't want to hurt it! She said she did a myofacial massage.

I changed my profile to a pick of me pulling weeds, a favorite hobby of mine.

The other thing going on was not recorded for posterity through photography. We went to see the reproductive endocrinologist yesterday (which I always try to call a restriction endocrinologist, ya know, RE, for all you molecular biologists). She said we can do progesterone about three days after ovulation (so even before getting the BFP), and suggested that we do ovulation predictor kits. Triple S was surfing the web yesterday at work looking for a brand to buy (guess who is motivated). The doc also want to do a hystosonogram with saline. We missed it for this cycle, as she is booked the rest of this week. I kinda wanted to ttc this month, so the secretary checked with the doc and the doc said she'd prefer us to wait. This lady is really helpful! This is what I wanted from my OB - just a bit of advice about my cycle length. I guess the RE thought that I could get away with doing an HSG even though we've only had one miscarriage. I don't think there is anything funky going on in my hooha, but who knows, I guess that's why we are going to look.

So, I feel like someone is taking care of us right now. Sigh of relief.

Why he's a keeper

I came home from work today to a freshly drawn hot bath, replete with candles and strawberries.

Yet another reason why he's a keeper...

Oh. Sometimes I am a bit of an airhead

Time has been amorphous for me the last two years. This May, it will have been two years since we got pregnant with Serenity. To me, it seems like last year. But last May, we were in the thralls of grief.

In preparation for the RE appointment, I was looking through my calendar (I swear I kept, ya know, records somewhere).

Macadamia's due date is/was this month.

I miss Serenity so much, and think about how old she would be, and what we are missing. But the miscarriage fed more into the fear of our next pregnancy than it registered as a loss of another baby. I totally forgot (repressed?) the timeline on macadamia, although I am not so good with time anyway, as I never really paid attention to Serenity's due date either. But 39 weeks has kinda snuck up on me.

Wow, in an alternate universe, I am freaking out for other reasons right now.

Eh gads, I suck.

...and Other Obvious Statements

Our baby dying really sucks.

I'm just sayin'.

Got any other obvious ones?