So, there was one person in my immediate life that was pregnant at the same time I was, G.
I saw G at work, oh, I guess this was before I left town. We used to always find a corner and chit chat for some time about being preggo and baby stuff and family stuff (we are both married to foreigners). Well, she came to Serenity's service, brought her baby, saw dh and I crying our eyes out. Well, like that Wednesday we were talking. She is having problems with her mom and really looking forward to her inlaws coming to help with the baby. Ok. I can handle this convo.
At some point I told her that one of the most panful things for me emotinally and physically was when my milk came in. I said I didn't understand how a woman could choose not to breastfeed when that baby is there and crying (With a way to relieve than pressure and also making more milk with all that crying). Really, the engorgement was really rough for me and I think I could have been choked by how swollen my boobs were. Well, she started complaining about all kinds of stuff, I can't really remember it all cause I think I went somewhere else. But she was complaining that one boob was bigger than the other and one wasn't making milk, etc. etc. Ok. I did not appreciate this. If you need to vent about this, really might be better to not be venting to the deadbaby mama.
I just don't get it. Did she forget. Is it over already? And noone told me?
Yeah, ok, don't complain to me about your kids! I wouldn't mind a defunct boob if I had Serenity to nurse off the other one.
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9 comments:
People are strange, it's like if you open the door a little bit, they swing it wide open and tromp all over you. It makes them so uncomfortable to have us around and they retreat into the familiar, let me complain about my baby stuff mode she has been in since the birth. There's really not much more to her life right now: it's all about baby. Much like us, except it's all about the deadbaby.
That's a really good point! Thanks g.
Maybe that's why I did listen to her, I sensed she needed a little venting.
Maybe I am too compassionate...haha
Sometimes people just get so caught up in their own "pain" which is so not like the pain we know. And g is right, you open the door a tiny bit and they feel you've given them free reign to bitch about anything. Which is so not the case. People are stupid. Really stupid.
Ya chun,
first time coming to your blog and my heart just aches for you. You have such a long journey ahead of you in the grief and it hurts to know you have to go through it, that the darkest days may still be ahead.
Please use us here in deadbabyland, for support, for a sounding board, anything.....I am so glad you found us, but so sad that you had to say goodbye to your precious little girl.
Email me anytime if you want.
I love her name Serenity Joy.....
oh and if you are in need of a good read "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" is a good book, if you don't already have it. Someone recommended it to me, and it's helped me to understand all the emotions and stages.
Peace be with you...
okay, another comment in response to the post.
You will find that people will "get over it"...and it will hurt. I've found it best to just not be around these people for awhile. find the people who do get it. Who remember you and your girl.
I found I was patient with these people in the beginning, then was unpatient (would have said, well, at least you have yours), and now back to being a little more patient.
The worst is when they either forget, or they pretend to....the book talks about this.
take care!
I am sorry you had to deal with it. I think people are just clueless. And yes, it seems in most cases our pain will always "win". Maybe next time you should just tell her that you wish you had such problems and then maybe she will shut up.
Ya Chun- 8 months later i am still bother by the complaints of the women with living babies. it does not happen very often to me and my sisters and my brother wife have all be really careful to not hurt me but when some one "forgets" that what they are sawing might be painful to me i call them on it with this..." want to trade me? you take my dead daughter, you raise and love her from afar and i take your living children and your complaints." general it works and they get that it was in sensitive. and i wouldn't trade Lucy ever, but they get the idea. i hope you find some peace. i am sorry for the loss of your swwet girl serenity
I have a friend who does nothing but complain about her baby. To me. Are you kidding? I guess I wouldn't really call her a friend...
I know I'm late to this blog and this entry, but as a non-babylost mama, I might just shed a little light on why someone would complain to you. The reason I would do it would be to make you feel better! I guess it's misguided, but I would feel like if I acted like everything was SO wonderful that it would be like rubbing your face in it and amplifying your loss. I guess it's not the way to go, though. But, it isn't that we 'forget' what you've been through. We don't want to add to your pain by enjoying what you've lost right in front of you. It's about trying to make it sting less? I don't think I'm explaining this correctly, but I hope you get the gist. It's not thoughtless. In my case, there actually was a lot of thought into it. However, if it makes a babylost mama feel worse, I'm glad I read this so I would never do that again. Thank you for this.
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