I didn't even buy a ticket for this roller coaster ride

**Warning- major venting to follow**

The last two days have been really rough for some reason. I was crying and my husband was holding me. I told him I didn't know why I was like this today. He simply said "Because our baby died". Oh yeah. But why am I crying and weepy all day?

Well, I think it maybe because I have now gotten my first period since losing Serenity. Yeah, another egg gone. Two more and I can TTC again, right? I can't even imagine being pregnant again at this point. At first i set a "think about it" date at August, but now that even feels like it is to close.

My life just seems so tough right now. I don't know where to go.

I need a new job, My boss asked me on Monday if I wanted a high school student for the summer. First of, I told him I was looking for a new job. I think he kinda forgot. (not such a bright guy, anyway). I told him that I didn't think I could handle it this summer. He said "oh, you're too busy?" I said, "No, I am not too busy," [[I think I am barely doing 15% of my previous work load- I don't know if he knows this or not]] I just don't think I am emotionally strong enough for it." He actually asked me why? Why am I not strong enough to handle someone else's kid following me around all summer, completely dependent on me for ever action? Are you kidding me???? So, yes, I had to explain it to him. So he said, "ok, I'll ask C if she wants one". This guy is really in-human. Really. I can't f*ckin believe him.
This is why I need a new job pronto. This is the same boss who had a message sent to every employee at my work that my baby was born and that "dad" was to excited to tell him the weight and length. This was after two phone conversations with my husband that we had lost the baby. This was all the bad stuff going on when I returned to work. My boss then found out we were having a memorial service for Serenity and asked me why he wasn't invited. I told him that we were mad that he had sent out this email. He thought that there was no way he could have misunderstood my husband. So, he was saying that my husband told him that the baby was ok. ??? I found this incredibly difficult to take. My husband managed to inform my parents, his parents, his work and my friend. No one else was confused. They all understood that we lost our baby and I had to push a dead baby out of me. During this convo, my boss also started yelling at me. He said "I spent $55 on flowers for you and I never even got a thank you!" This was after an email that went out with my request for no flowers! I could not believe he was raising his voice at me and yelling at me! This guy is a sociopath. All I wanted was for him to say, and mean, that he was sorry that the email was incorrect. Pretty simple for a normal human.
And now he wonders why I am not emoionally strong. That was a hard thing for me to say, like I was putting my feelings outside. I really need a new job.
I don't make that much money, but it is not so easy to get a job that pays this much in my field, nor to get a job period. You know, slumping economy and all. I really don't want to jeopordize our finances by quitting and hten not finding a job for awhile.
So, I am trying to apply for jobs and also apply for a class. i need to do alot of writing and resume re-writing for each application. So, not so many blogs lately due to this other energy expenditure.

So, that was major stress area #1. Current and future job.

Major stress area #2.
My back is killing me and the physical therapist makes me do all kinds of painful exercising that I just really ahve a hard time handling. it hurts and I feel like a big cry baby. It is just hard to push myself. I amnot emotionally strong enought ot hanfdle this either. Well, we'll see how the appointment goes tomorrow (2nd one). I haven't done my 20-30 daily reps of the 3 super painful exercises he has given me. I can usually make it through 3 before the pain is unbearable. What will he say if I tell him I am not emotionally strong enough to handle thsi right now?


What is stress #3? Well, this is probably number 1 and the overlying stress. I just don't know what to do with my life. I wanted to quit my job, be a SAHM for at least 6 months, do some freelance editing on the side and eventually get enough freelance work that I wouldn't have to work outside the house. Those plans have been completely obliterated. And I just don't know what to do. I set a date to stay at this job through June. I am not emotionally strong enough to handle an interview, really. And at least I have a routine. (Well, if you count getting to work sometime between 8:30 and 10 a routine)


So yeah, the last two days have been spent on the verge of tears. It's just really tough and super sucky. That's all I can think. DH says not to be so hard on myself. But I have to get out of this job! It is definitely not helping my emotional state.

This sucks.

I miss my baby girl.
My dream girl.
She's gone.