Friday nite, Triple S planned to drive about 45 min to go out for Mexican. I guess he figured that would give us enough time to avoid all the cute trick-or-treaters.
When we were almost ready, I peaked through the front door's small window and caught a glimpse of the girl from the end of the block in an outfit with fairy wings. That was enough to send me to promptly put on my shoes and head out the door. I think that gal was born shortly after Serenity. I don't really know.
The unexpected boon from the holidays? The pics from friends...
I was torn between seeing the neighborhood kids in their outfits and running and hiding. I like them for all their own unique kidnesses. I like seeing my friend's kids dressed up and enjoying life. And it only pangs a wee tiny bit. But avoidance strategies do in theory have their advantages....
On Halloween we did light a candle, maybe to help Serenity to find us, maybe just because. It is the same candle we burned on Oct 15. It has a unique fragrance and burns very slowly. I think we will use it whenever we want to feel close to her, to feel her presence in the room: a call to memory.
Even though we can avoid celebrating and avoid our friends, we can not truly avoid the holidays. Triple S lost it as we lay in bed. "Why? We would have taken good care of her...why?"
I'm sorry babe, to that I have no answer.
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7 comments:
yuck, i am sorry. i have yet to look at any pix myself.
well, although you cannot avoid it all, sometimes it's good to just 'lay low'
holidays are hard. This year we are having a quite thanksgiving at our house rather than go to Dh's big family get together complete with several babies and a couple of preggos.
laying low...that's what we're doing
ah - laying low- that's a good way to think about it!
I know. And I'm sorry. As much for the hardness of seeing other wee ones, as the cruelty of friends that will never get it.
Actually, I don't think it is cruel that my friends send me pics, some have even asked and I said I will look when I can. I do like to see them happy and their kids grow, and I guess it is my way to confront reality. And many of my closest friends live in other states - which is sad for me but also part of reality.
Ya Chun, I'm sorry. I know how hard holidays can be. I was in the grocery store, overall pretty safe place and then I turn and see Halloween onesies. I lost it. It's so hard.
WHY?????
I ask myself this all the time. It's more of "WHY NOT ME?"
I like the candle lighting you and Triple S are doing.
Thinking of you and Serenity.
I wish you had some answers to give Triple S. This latest loss of hope wrapped up in a not-so-neat miscarriage package can't be helping things very much either.
Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you both. XO.
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