Here I am

I now have a new understanding of the phrase "take one day at a time".

I lost my dear sweet girl at 39 weeks on February 6th, 2008.  

I've returned to work after 6 weeks of "maternity" leave.  

I still cry everyday. Somedays, it is just a tear or two.

I try really hard not to cry at work.  

The first day back to work was very difficult. I started dreading it about three weeks before my leave was over. I had been planning to leave my job after my maternity leave and a brief time back to sort out my responsibilities.  I was really looking forward to staying home with our little baby.  Since I now have no reason to stay home, I am back to work. However, I am currently have trouble finding a reason to be at work. 

The dread leading up to the return to work was very great. I started to think that maybe it wasn't going to be as bad as I was fearing.  I set in my mind the goal to make it through half the day. The worst fear was for the moment that I walked in the door and saw the receptionist. Every morning, coming into work, I would see her and we would both cheerily greet each other. I am not so cheery these days. Everyone at work would always ask how I was doing and my baby worked very hard right along with me, even on the last day.  

Well, I mustered the strength to drive to work, after dropping my husband off at his place of torture and money-making.  I walked into the building and the receptionist was there, talking to a nice coworker from IT. We did say good morning (or something) and she looked very sad. I made it around the corner and pushed the button to call the elevator. I was already crying. I got on the elevator and cried up to my floor. Luckily no one was on the elevator and it is a slow elevator.  I pulled myself together before the doors opened. 

It's not that I am worried that I will be ashamed if I cry at work. I am just worried that if I start allowing myself to cry at work, I will never stop. Or I won't be able to control it as well.  

I think that anyone who saw me on the first two days back to work (luckily my return day was a Thursday) would have seen a ghost. I felt like a ghost.  I really was trying to avoid talking or seeing too many people. I feel that everyone is giving me "that look". I don't know what that look is, but it must be sympathy and worry and relief and curiosity.   I think people want to see me to know if I am ok, but I am not really ready to talk to that many people. Small talk is tough if it goes over, say, a minute.  Luckily, I have many great coworkers that I am happy to see. Hopefully soon I will feel up to handling it more.

This whole post may end up discussing work. It is a big issue for me.  Hopefully anyone who has suffered a similar loss will gain from this. Maybe you will gain a sense that you are not the only one who has to go through this. Hopefully anyone reading this who hopes to help a coworker who has suffered a loss will gain some perspective.

So, basically, I like my place of work. I like a lot of the people that I work with. I just have issues with my boss. This is why I was quite happy to be leaving my job. In fact, I was really looking forward to it. Now I do not know what to do. One is not to change jobs while in grief. However, I am really unhappy with my boss.  I think I will save that for another post.

This is why I understand "day by day". I just have to get up, go to work, do some work at work, and come home. And do it again. This will allow for the passage of time and some healing.  I can't see forward through the fog right now.  I just have to take small steps everyday in a generally forward direction and see what is revealed to me in the mist. Each day.