In the last weeks, the only time I do not feel grief is when I am frustrated or mad (usually at someone). This seems like a good idea, be angry and you don't feel so sad. And it's pretty easy to be angry, especially with my stupivisor at work. However, when I realized that anger is so powerful that it can actually mask my very big load of grief, I thought that this must not be a good emotion. I don't feel like I am explaining this very well, but it kind of scared me. Maybe I saw that I would become like my parents. They are so mad all the time and speak to each other in an unloving way.
While I was still in pitocin-induced labor and sobbing over my dead little girl, her name just came to me. Serenity Joy. Serenity was a name on our early list, but I always had reservations about naming a child a word. Well, her name came to me and it is two words. So much for reservations. I thought Serenity, because it is my hope that she died in peace, and she certainly never had to live in this troubled world. Joy, well, because she brought my husband and I the happiest 9 months of our lives. I still cry when I think about this. I told my dh about my idea for her name, and he instantly felt it was right. I went back to trying to rest during the labor.
The next thought I had and decided to share with my dh was that we should live our lives to honor Serenity Joy. To me, this means living well and honestly. And really living, not giving up. This is something I would periodically tell my husband, too. I would tell him, "if anything ever happens to me, I want you to live your life. If you find someone else, and she's good, it is my wish that you make a good life together". He would always get so mad at me for bringing this up. But it is important to me that he be able to live to his potential and that he could make it through my death.
Now that we have lost our daughter, I feel the same way. We miss her terribly and so many of our dreams have been dashed. She really is our dreamgirl. We won't know what she could have been, or how she would have looked. But I do know that I don't want her life, nor her death, to have initiated anything bad.
So, when I felt that anger was powerful enough to mask my grief, I realized that anger was not good. Being angry is not living well, and to have anger in my heart would not honor Serenity Joy. Being angry at some stupid thing is not something I would have wanted to teach my daughter. And being angry over her death is not going to bring her back.
My heart is broken, and I want to heal it with positive emotions and feelings and actions. I want the hole in my heart that Serenity took with her to be surrounded by love.
Posts
3 comments:
"speak to each other in an unloving way"
is an understatement about your parents.
I really hope we can live as you write and cherish and honor each other as we deserve. I think what you wrote should be read by everybody in these troubled times and not just be something that we just read, think about for a couple of minutes and forget, instead we should strive to make things better each living moment.
- dh (Serenity's Daddy)
The story about how you chose Serenity's name is quite touching. It seems fitting. It's beautiful.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Surely, that cannot make you feel even the tiniest bit better about what has happened; I'll put it out there, all the same. I'm comforted to know you have found your way to this place. I hope you can find some comfort and solace in knowing that others have been where you are now and they know the intense sense of loss you feel. I don't know what I would have done had I not found these women and their babies. Thinking of you and your Serenity.
I was told very early on in my grief (and who knows by whom at this point, I can't remember many details) that anger is so very close to sadness and grief, that it was a natural thing for it to slip out. We develop coping mechanisms because we can't live in a state of grief 24/7 and still function. I took it with a grain of salt.
In reading other women's blogs and their ability to transfer this anger into compassion and love, I was astounded. I never thought I would get there. I was too angry and anger felt good on me.
Now almost 5 months later, the anger has subsided a bit (although I am still short fused, but that's always been in me). Now I am finding that love and compassion coupled with sadness and fear. It all rolls around, tangles up and spits back out depending on the day, the hour, the minute.
What I am really trying to say is, be gentle on yourself. If you have anger, that's OK, you are still expressing instead of suppressing emotion. Feel it and then move past it back to the love that you want to feel for Serenity. There is no wrong way to do this grief thing.
Thinking of you and your husband~
g
Post a Comment