I miss my Serenity so much. I was laying on my tummy last night reading "Tunnels" (why I am reading a kid's book now is beyond me, but it is all I can manage to focus on - I started 5 other books). I just started to feel so empty. My belly is empty and my arms are empty.
It might be too cold next Sunday to release butterflies at the memorial. What a downer.
We had to walk over to the park today, well, for exercise, and to see if the pavilion we want to use has electricity. We are getting a DJ to play some sad songs and so we have a mic. I have been blue all day and running errands just didn't cheer me up (go figure). So I called our neighbor. On Sundays he is stay-at-home Dad. Over the years that we have lived next door, we often find each other on weekends to chit chat a bit. I like to see his son and he goes bonkers for lack of adult conversation (he also teaches middle school- so yeah, i would say so). So we walked over to the park with neighbor and his son. Good for us and good for them. His little one (we call him Mr B.) always cheers me up and Mr. B's dad has tons to say. My dh and I don't have too much to talk about when we are by ourselves. First, we were together all day and second, especially when I am blue, the biggest topic is missing our dream girl.
So the point is, it really cheered me up to go for a walk in between the rain with Mr. B and his dad. Mr. B is 11 months older than Serenity would have been and we had great plans for them to play together and dh always joked around about having to keep him away from Serenity when they were teens. But I love Mr. B very much, he is a really sweet kid, just turned one and is walking and calling everything "da". I saw him just a few days after we lost Serenity, and I feared I had scarred him for life. His mom came over to talk to me and I just cried while we all three were hugging. Mr. B. didn't really warm back up to me for about a week (along time when you're that little) Mr. B's mom has been really great. She has weird work hours so that Mr. B never has to go to day care, so she was around during the day when I was on maternity leave and dh was already back to work. We'd spend some time together or go for walks. Over those weeks, she is the one who said some of the sweetest things to me. One thing she said was
"You know, all these weeks, I have been in mourning for Serenity, and ..."
I don't really remember exactly what she said after that, but it touched me so much that she was so sad about our baby too.
It is always a little bittersweet. People have asked me (including the counselor) how it is too see other babies. With Mr. B it is definitely fine, and I am glad we saw him right away and didn't wait a long time so that it became a dreaded occasion. But the way I see it, Mr. B is Mr. B. and Serenity is Serenity. They are not he same person. It helps that we have known Mr. B since the week he was born. But, think of it this way, if one's spouse dies, can you not tolerate seeing your friend's spouse? It is actually harder for me to see kids at the grocery store, especially little ones still in the car seat.
Two real tests will come in the next two weeks. My friend from work is coming to the memorial service. She was pregnant at the same time I was (the only lady to overlap with me at work-actually that I knew at all). Her baby was born a few months ago (I am trying really hard to not keep track so I don't compare their "ages - and I told her this and asked her not to tell me how old he is). I know however that they would be pretty close. She asked me if she could bring him to the service or if I would rather she find someone to watch him. THANK YOU! Thank you very much for asking. I told her I really thought it would be fine, mainly because she asked, and I won't be surprised, and just the consideration makes it better!. And she told me that if I didn't come over and see them she would totally understand, but she just really wanted to be at the service for Serenity. So we will see how it goes, but I do really want to see her son- I haven't met him yet. Hopefully I can.
The next big BIG challenge is the following weekend. It is my grandparent's 70th wedding anniversary (yes, they have been married 70 years- 10 times as long as my husband and I). We have to travel half way across the country for this. I am out here without any family, as they are all back east. My cousin had a baby about a month after we lost Serenity. This is going to be really hard, I think. I am glad I will have a pretest with my coworker's baby. Yeah, my family isn't as sensitive and considerate as my coworker. I can really see my uncles not understanding why I am crying my heart out just by seeing a little baby. Well, maybe this kid is really ugly....that might help. haha.
I was reading some posts at "A Road Less Travelled". I think these got me tinking about this. topic- other people's kids.
The other thing on my mind is at work. My coworker, C (she shares my office-no cubicle or nothin') hasn't been to work for almost two weeks (she hasn't been back since I have returned). When I got back to work, she had missed a week with a really bad stomach flu and couldn't keep any food down. My boss was really concerned and we were discussing this. I said maybe she has an underlying health condition that she really needs to figure out. My boss was wondering if she had an eating disorder and I said I had never seen any signs that had me worried about that. Well, we talked about this for probably 10-15 min and I talked about it also with my close coworker (S), who also shares our office but is more of a friend of mine than C. Well, anyway, it turns out that C is pregnant. I guess she has that really bad morning sickness. Well, this might be a bit of a tough one. I guess she got pregnant about two months before I did (last year). I just hope she has a rough pregnancy at the beginning and a smooth one at the end with a happy ending. I plan to say this to her (I am guessing she will be in tomorrow). I already know I will buy her a kick counter after her 20 week ultrasound. That will make ME feel better.
I just have to remember that these aren't "babies"; they are little individuals with character flaws and stinky diapers. And they certainly aren't my Serenity!
Readers- any advise on these issue will be greatly appreciated!!!!!
~a
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