Flawed Logic and Other Downloads

Friends are the family that you choose.

No one has chosen to be in the dead baby mama club.

So does that make us friends or family?

But just knowing you are there in my internets helps a bunch.

***

This week has been a hard week. I try to figure out why, but, well, I know. I really prefer the not-bad weeks.

My hormones are messing with me.

It's rainy today.

I have to call the RE today to make an appointment. Yet another doctor.

I feel like such a failure with my physical therapy. I guess I am better, the pain is less. However, I don't feel like my posture has really improved. My stomach is way out and my upper back is way curved. My PT had a student the last two appointments, so we got to go through all the symptoms. I think I am an excellent example of everything that can be wrong with a back (Kyphosis, Lordosis, Scoliosis, and something is rotated - I don't quite understand this one yet). All it means for me is pain. And that I am not healthy enough yet to carry another baby.

Last Saturday was sunny, and there was all day easter egg hunts at work. ugh. I think easter is bothering me more than I thought it was.

I cried at PT today. I think it is offiicial, I have now cried everywhere that I go.

I called my mom, thinking, 'well, maybe it's my fault we're not closer. I'll try talking to her.' So, I got out that I am still in a lot of pain, and she said she wished a doctor had fixed my back when I was a kid (ya know, when SHE was the parent and responsible for taking care of me). Then, I got to hear all about her crap. Thanks. Nope, not my fault. And then she asked what we are doing for easter. ya know, cause we have so much family here. I told her "You know mom, we haven't been celebrating any holidays this year.' "Oh, really? Why not?" Mental note, don't call family when I already feel sucky.

I am battling a bird on my front porch. Well two. I think they are doves. Sunday, they built a nest on the top of the pillar, under the porch roof. In the afternoon, both were gone, so I knocked the nest down. The second day, the nest was back, so I waited until it was empty, and knocked it down again. I placed an old newspaper 'in the way'. Well, next day, they were nestled under the newspaper quite comfortably. So, then I filled the whole pillar with rolled up newspapers (in the sleeves that they land in my yard in) and a telephone book that has been sitting on the front porch for weeks (still in the plastic too). Guess who is sitting where this morning?


I guess once they choose a spot, they are pretty set on it. There's going to be eggs in their soon, then I'll have to worry about the cat getting out. Dang it.

I cried while talking to the receptionist at PT. She knows that our daughter died. Well, this cry was brewing since last night, and it just came out there. She came over and hugged me and was really there for me. **Thanks** She told me that she understood how sad I was, and that her husband divorced her cause she couldn't have kids. Jerk. The owners of the PT place also had several miscarriages before having their (I think two) kids. Maybe that's why I feel comfortable there, and why I chose that place. They have support for these kinds of super sucky things.

Last week, my PT's grandfather died, and we were talking about grief, I told him my daughter died last year (he didn't know, although I kinda said things around it). Well, turns out he and his wife have had a lot of miscarriages and no baby yet. It just makes me sad.

My PT told me to excercise to get my endorphins up. So I walked on the treadmill after my treatment. It made my back hurt, right under the last true rib. Yep, that's evil spot #1. And then I went out to the receptionist, where I proceeded to cry. My endorphins are f'd up, cause they sure didn't help.

This afternoon Triple S and I are off to the farmer's market to buy a rabbit. Yep, we are eating a rabbit on Sunday. "Hop" it makes me feel better. (See, bitter dbms can participate in holiday cheer too).