Now, I just need to lure some small birds there. The plant nearly visible at the bottom of the frame is my native columbine.
This is a small orifice feeder, to attract finches an other small songbirds. I also got a hummingbird feeder, but haven't hung it up yet.
***
This morning, finally OPK was positive. Day 30. Triple S audibly breathed a sigh of relief and was as happy as a lark.
We took a long drive today, through hill and dale, literally. Out in the countryside. Triple S wished me a happy MD.
We hiked in a muddy park, got to see a big cave, and wore the dog out.
We bought the bird feeder and the seed.
We stopped at a local dairy and exchanged our old bottles for ice cream. Milk jugs are our savings account (loose less value than stocks), and we only had to pay 20 cents for our malt/ice cream. We had a few bottles.
We came home, where I hung up the feeder and planted some more stuff that I started from seed in the garden. I also planted a Lavender cultivar called "Serenity'.
I had a good day. I felt happy. I miss Serenity, it's always in the background, and I thought of her a lot today. But, today, I felt happy to have been her mom, for the time I had with her.
Then, Triple S got mad at me. I thought he wasn't allowed to get mad at me on MD. I was having a fine day, deadbaby notwithstanding. He's been very sensitive lately, and he has some anger built up or something. He's still prickly, I can sense it. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do with him. I can't tell if he is upset about MD, upset about some jack at work, or what. I think he is mad abut the unfairness of it all. Oh well. I can't ask him these things when he is pissy and expect a decent answer. And I am not too happy with him for raining on my peaceful day.
I think in most ways I have accepted our situation. I have my bad days, but most often they coincide with days of lousy weather or when my body is hurting. For instance, today my back is only a bit tight in the sacrum area, I could walk up steep, muddy hills, and I am without headache or vertigo. If I had been laid up today and it was raining, I think I would feel crummy and more sad.
Now, I say this all the time, but I want to live to honor Serenity's life. I don't want to fight with Triple S or be mad at the world. This morning, when I first woke up and was lying in bed, I tried to direct my thoughts toward the good times when I was pregnant, instead of thinking about the hole in our lives or the time when I realized she wasn't moving anymore or the delivery. I want to remember that happiness, and carry those positive memories and feelings through the day with me.
I am not sure that he is there yet.
Happy Mother's Day to you all, my mama friends in the internets.
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15 comments:
Right back at you Ya Chun. Thanks for this post today, I needed to read it.
I'm so glad you are finding moments of peace. You deserve it.
Thinking of you.
Hugs to you mama. I'm thinking of you today and always!
Happy Mother's Day! Wishing you more moments of happiness and peace. HUGS
I'm so glad you planted that lilac. I saw the cultivar on Friday and I've been meaning to send you an email - but things got in the way this weekend.
I'm glad it was a good day.
I'm glad your day was mostly peaceful.
Moments of peace and happiness are among the best of MD gifts now. The lavender sounds lovely. abrazos y besos.
I'm glad you found some peace and acceptance. Acceptance is such a big deal - I still only get it in glimpses.
I hope Triple S finds some peace soon, too. This grieving as a couple thing can be really tough.
Excellent - moments of peace and happiness are always welcome and I'm glad some came your way. Love to see pics of your garden when it's blooming.
I'm sorry triple S has been upset lately. I'm sending you big hugs, and lots of love.
It sounds like you had a very relaxing peaceful day. It also sounds like maybe you have reached a crossroads in your grief. About Triple S, men have such a tendency to keep everything inside so they can be the big strong man, I know my hubby is like that. hang in there and hopefully it will pass quickly.
your acceptance sounds like acceptance; mine, i think, sounds like denial.
Love the feeder, can't wait to see a pic with BIRDS!!
I hope you both get to the same place in your grief so you can find peace together.
xxoo
The bird feeder is such a lovely idea. It's hard when you both bob around in your different grief boats. I would get to points of acceptance and even peace at times and that would often coincide with S and his grief bubbling to the surface. I would desperately want us both to feel the peace at the same time. Sometimes we did it just seemed to take a long time.
It's a very long road that we walk.
Wishing you much peace and I'm glad the OPK turned up positive.
Glad you had a good day. My parents have a hummingbird feeder that we can see from the patio doors in the dining room & it's amazing to watch them come feed while we have our dinner.
As for Triple S, from my experiences with our support group clients, it is not at all uncommon for couples to "trade off" in their grief -- one feels down while the other seems better, & then the balance shifts. We like to think we're going through this together, but in reality, I think each of us has to find our own way through this, & it won't always be in synch with what our partners are doing & feeling.
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