The misadventure that is deadbaby motherhood

It's Sunday.

I feel really behind for this week, even though it hasn't started yet.

Today I am trying to prepare my microbiology lectures. I am still so dizzy. I didn't take the cytotec last night and this morning I skipped both the cytotec and the doxycycline to try to thwart the dizziness. I just need a few clear-headed hours to write this lecture, some essay questions, and to start writing the exam. I really hate being dizzy. I think if not for that I would feel pretty darn good.

We went to a small party last night. Triple S has joined a futbol team. He enjoys this so much. They are playing right now. The group seems nice enough and we made our best efforts at being social. I was super dizzy last night, so it was a wee bit hard to hold down a conversation, esp with someone I don't know. I did run into a gal that works where I used to work, and some of the people work in Triple S' department, so at least some people knew we had lost Serenity. Sometimes, when I see someone that hasn't seen me for awhile, I feel like a ghost of my former self. I used to be so outgoing, but now I really don't have the energy for it.

This group was heavy on the latinos (ok, there were 2 American there, out of say 25), which is a culture I really miss after leaving our friends in Florida. The best thing about latin parties, and the biggest difference I have seen between an 'American' party, is that they bring the kids. The kids run around and entertain each other and are rather self-sufficeint. This is nice and I do enjoy seeing the kids. It was hard to see the uber-cute little girl who was just learning to walk. We didn't even go over to where these people were and I have no desire to know how old the baby was.

I am missing Serenity so much these days.

Our block is full of kids. Yesterday we were awoken by the giggling, screaming, near-banshee like sounds from our neighbor, Mr B. (http://serenityjoy.blogspot.com/2008/03/babies-everywhere.html), playing out front. It makes me sad because I want to be woken up by the cooing and giggling of my baby, not by Mr B. when he is outdoors. So what if it is 10 AM and we are still in bed, what do we have to wake up for anyway? Dizziness and the management of an abject sense of loss? Yeah, I stay in bed for as long as possible.

This miscarriage is very different for me than Serenity's death. I haven't told anyone, although I sometimes do feel like I want to talk about it, and sometimes don't. Triple S has leaned on some of his friends, and one sent a sympathy card (which made me cry of course). Maybe I am already numb in some way. I am sad, but more for the loss of the ground I had gained in the last 6 months and now the additional healing and waiting that needs to be done. The worry I had going into the D&C was more for my health, emotional and physical, than for the baby itself. Serenity's death was all raw, searing pain. Maybe this loss is mitigated because we were expecting the worse after the first u/s, even tho we were trying to keep our hopes up. I don't think the baby ever developed and never had a heartbeat. This miscarriage is not so much a singular event like Serenity's death, but just another small stop on our continung journey, or rather our continuing misadventure into reproduction.