I went to a yoga class today. I was already feeling a bit 'off' (read, close to weepy), and was terrified that I would start bawling during meditation. Eleven months out, the 4th, 5th, and 6th are still hard days for me.
Yoga went fine. The instructor was pleasant, and instructing. Apparently, my tailbone needs tucked (somewhere?). The class is at noon - perfect for my sleep-late and work-at-home schedule.
Why aren't bodies like used cars - why can't I trade this one in during this lifetime? I am on the 90-day plan until TTC. 90 days seems awfully short....
I am ready for another vacation. Our phone hasn't been working since Friday or Saturday, Triple S had a dead battery in his car this morning, and I blew up an outlet (luckily not myself too) when trying to disconnect all the things plugged into the phone lines to see if I could reset the phone (since ATT said it was something in the house). Time to bring in an electrician. Well, at least the internets are still working!!!
I am sorting through my end of year documents to prepare for the next season - tax season. I really can't believe the bills got paid last February and March. As I was sorting, I did notice a few late fees - fees that didn't register last spring. I guess I wasn't do such a great job afterall. I would like to reiterate, I am glad 2008 is over.
In an earlier post, I wrote how I felt like I came back to a different life. That is a mis-statement. I think I am living the same life differently. The grief has loosened its strangle-hold upon my system - my heart, my mind, my smile muscles. It is taking some getting used to. At moments, particularly when I am trying to fall asleep, there is a rush of thoughts and ideas, my to-do list. I fear a mania coming on, after living 9 months in baby-mode and 11 at the bottom of the deadbaby well. I am consciously trying to pace myself and keep my goals and projects small (did you hear that garden?). I need time to breathe and I need wiggle room for the days the dbl rollercoaster decides to take me on some loop-de-loops.
Mrs. Spit wrote a poignant post while I was in Mexico that reflects a realization that developed while I was having a truly peaceful and illuminating trip in the wilds of the Yucatan Peninsula. I will always be sad. I will always look at other children, oddly, as if out of the corner of my eye. I now have a constant companion in death throughout my life. The grief may relent, I may be content, I may be adventurous, I may be in love; I will always be missing.
The song 'I'm Sorry' by Buckcherry will always draw my face into a frown, using those other, over-worked muscles (dang ITunes).
I feel less fragile. My heart is mostly cobbled back together; the frailty supplanted by an understanding of the strength that exists when Triple S and I are together.
However, I don't feel fortified enough, neither in body nor in spirit, to embark on another pregnancy, not yet. I hope I can feel strong enough to do it before doing it again. I don't know if I will have that luxury or not. It took my 31 years to work up the courage to try it the first time, and I got pregnant before I could change my mind. Now, I don't have another 30 years and, after a year of choking on humble pie, I am a little short on blind belief in happy endings.
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How was everyone else's day back to the grind?
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6 comments:
It's tough, a day to day struggle and although some days are easier than others it will never go away completely. Hang in there with the rest of us.
Lovely post, Ya Chun. I hope one day we can all believe in happy endings again. Not blindly, that's just stupid. But, to come to a place where we can believe that life holds anything good for us. I wish this for all of us.
XO.
It was alright. Nothing like a two year old to brighten up your life. Even if she isn't mine.
90 days seems like forever to me, but it's all about perspective.
Sounds like you had quite the Monday. I hope that you get your happy ending (or happy beginning), and also that the time between now and then helps you find both peace and courage.
Humble pie....I hate it and still have eaten plenty.
I thought I understood the whole concept of no guarantees of happy endings until I was handed my membership card. And I realized I had no idea, until then and now.
Deep breath and jump. It's the only way to get back in to it. Oh, and close your eyes, that helps too:)
xxoo
You sound like you are really looking after yourself which is great. Really hoping that 2009 brings you some of those lovely things that you are looking for. x
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