No, I am not keeping score... well maybe a little

Mother's Day as a childless mother...sucks.
The weather today is quite possibly the worst it has ben all year...fitting.

A neighbor of mine just dropped in my mailbox a request for donation to the lung Assc. Now, this lady has never introduced herself to me in the ~5 years we have lived here. She lives directly across the street from us. Surely she knew I was pregnant. Surely she has seen that I am not now and everyone who has visited wears a long face and there is no new baby bobbing around on the block. If she can freakin walk across the street to ask for money, can't she drop in a sympathy card? Yeah, I won't be donating. Maybe I should drop a solicitation for MISS or NILMDS into her mailbox.

I went to a BBQ last night at a friend's house. She has some other friends that I have met at her house before, but don't know myself. The last time I was with this group I was, oh maybe 8 months pregnant. So, the one guy who I had spoke with quite a bit at the last party asked me about my baby. Because, obviously, I am not pregnant any more. I shook my head no. He said, 'but weren't you pregnant?' Well, I had am mouth full of food and he just kept asking. I finally swallowed and said we lost her. Now, it is great that my friend isn't gossiping a bunch, but it sure would be nice to warn everyone not to ask me. So, yeah, it ended up being just a great time. I was already in a rotten mood all day.

And, I must be getting old. She just started grad school after working a few years. Her new friends I think are all 22-23 years old. There were talking such nonsense. I really said to the one "you must live a sheltered life" Yeah, woohoo, I am the life of the party. My husband just thought they were immature. Like I said, I am getting old.

But she was really pissing me off with her asinine conversations. I only stayed because I really wanted a chance to talk to my one friend who has been really great through all this. We are going hiking maybe next weekend, once dh allergies have subsided.

And then there is my one high school friend. Had a baby just before me. She is on face.book so knows I lost my baby. I think my sister also talked to her. Haven't heard anything personal from her (she sends me lots of forwards and links to her babies' sites. What the heck?

And my parents. My mom talked and talked yesterday without saying anything. I sent her her card and she thanked me for it. I talked to her yesterday because I didn't want to talk to her today. She never acknowledges anything that is going on. Hello dysfunction!

And what about my friend who hasn't done anything more than send me a sympathy card. And the invitation to her wedding. She lives here in town but didn't have time to come to the memorial service (or send a note as to why she didn't come). Yeah, maybe I won't have time for her wedding.

Thank goodness for the new/good people in my life.

My dh's coworker who lost her first born. I had met her a few times, but didn't know her that well. But she really helped us. She now has 3 sweet gals.

The nurses at the hospital. They gave our family a peaceful environment for us to bring Serenity's tiny body out into the world. They washed her and took care of me.

My friends H and Y, who don't always know what to say, yet say the right thing, and also know when to not say anything.

My dh's other coworker who had at least 4 miscarriages. She is old enough to be my aunt. She lost both of her parents last year. Her and her husband have been so sweet to us. They bought us a garden stone with a dragonfly and "serenity" on it. We bought some more native plants to fill in the garden under the dogwood tree that I want to make for Serenity. I wanted to work on it today but we are having a typhoon here in the beautiful midwest. I want to take them out for breakfast next weekend. Sweet, sweet G and L.

And my neighbors, M, J, and Mr. B. M has been so wonderful and present for me. You just never know who is going to step to the plate.

The nurse at my new family doctor who just held both of my hands in hers and let me cry when I had to tell her my medical history and got to the "just lost my first baby" part.

My coworker S who was there when I needed her and now has helped me return to the daily routine and picked up my slack, since I now have half a brain.

And my dear dh. He wished me "Happy Mother's Day" today. Well, maybe he likes to see me cry or something. But I think I would have missed it if he hadn't.

And the deadbabymamas, members of the club that no one wants to be in, yet here we are. We are moms, and we are good moms. I wish you, my sisters, a calm and love-filled Mother's Day.

~a