Resilience

n. the ability to recover readily, as from misfortune

I finally found the word I was looking for.

I have been pretty cheery lately, and often feel a bit remorseful about it. When I think of my daughter, I feel really sad, and I have a background sadness that I didn't have before. But all in all, I am able to talk and joke with friends that I feel safe with. I am able to work. And I knew that this was some trait and I just could not think of it. Then I saw mention of a book titled something like "how to raise resilient children" and I found the word!

I think you need some resiliency to get through the death of your child. You can "bounce back" to a semblance of your former self. I can enjoy the small things in life again, even while missing the chance to share it with Serenity.

I feel better now that I have a name for it.

Now, even though I found a somewhat even keel in these new waters, I still have issues. On Saturday, I went to the opening day of our local farmer's market. While I enjoyed the market and seeing all the familiar purveyors, it was just too sad seeing all the kids. The mamas wearing their new babies, the kids happy to be out and about. I wanted to wear my baby to the market and buy my fresh veggies. I am not going this Saturday. I want to enjoy whatever sun comes our way this weekend.