MISS

Two days ago I received the lapel pins that I ordered from the MISS Foundation.

Two days in a row I have worn the pin.

Two people asked me what the pin was for.

Maybe I am not ready to wear this yet.

Today, my friend at work asked me what the pin was of. I said it's a mama and her baby. It's hard to say that. I said it is the symbol of the MISS foundation and she sai she never knew there was such a foundation. I said she was lucky. I felt like I sounded callous saying that, and it wasn't what I really wanted to say but it just came out. She said, well, you didn't want to know about it either.

So, I thought that maybe I am not really ready to wear this pin and answer the obvious questions that will come. But then, while I was driving home, I thought, no, I DO want to wear this pin. it shows people that I am still upset about losing my daughter, that I am still sad and mad, that I still miss her. Of course people are going to ask, and of course it will hurt, but she is being thought of, by me and by the curious friend, coworker, stranger.



Other random things in my brain

Now, like I have been saying, my mood is generally good. However, I have a commute that is 45 minutes on a good day. I am not happy nor cheery nor anything good on this drive. That time, alone, in the car, heading to my babyless house, is super sucky.

I try to think of my "good third" at that time. And those in the "middle third" that are close to the good third. I don't need everyone directly speaking to me about my baby. I have many coworkers that I never discussed any personal stuff with before I was pregnant. I kinda like that it didn't change. Most of them sent cards and have been gentle with me, and that is enough.

Additionally, I realized yesterday that many people ask how my hubby is doing. DH always tells me when we get home that so-and-so asked how you were, etc. I never remembered to tell him when people asked about him, but this week someone asked how he was and it dawned on me that many people had been doing this. So, of course I tried really really hard all day to remember to tell my dh that people do ask how he is doing (two people on the same day, as a matter of fact). Well, I did remember to tell him and it made him feel so, I don't know what the word is, not happy, but, cared for, I guess. Well, anyway, it warmed his little heart.

So, maybe it's us, the mamas, who forget to tell their hubbies sometimes!!! Sorry dh...