Have I changed?

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today. We were out, at the movies. The light was different in that restroom than here at the house. Bright. Too bright, and the mirror was at a different angle, and maybe closer.

I saw myself as I was washing my hands. I stared. "Do I look different?" My eyes look sad. My mouth seems to be a bit frowny. Doesn't it take more muscles to frown than to smile? Frowning is easy now. The fresh highlights look lighter than my old ones. I like this haircut. Even though it is a "mom" cut. Short and easy. Should I grow my hair longer, be a girl again? Young, fresh, innocent and cheery? It would take more than long hair for that. Maybe even a wrinkle, a crease in my forehead. I am going to have frown lines from this. I'd rather have smile lines. My eyes look sad. Aged beyond their years.

"Oh, my hands are probably clean by now..."


On the way home, I ask my husband if he thinks he looks different. He knows this is a loaded question.
"Yes and no. I probably do."
"Do I look different?"
He looks over at me. Hey, he is supposed to be driving.
"Yes, and no. Yes, you do. In your eyes."
"You too."

No, we are not over anything. Yes, we are still sad. We are blue. No, it's not fair. We don't like it. But it is our reality. It is our love. For each other. For Serenity. For all the goodness in the world. Our hope and our fear. The new us. Probably not improved.



Things I am not:
Blithe
Light-hearted
Fulfilled
Perky
Sunny
Steady
Healthy
Happy
Hopeful
Whole

Things I am
Blue
Melancholy
Pained
Strained
Stretched
Stricken
Afflicted
Deflated
Empty
Despairing
Broken